This whole notion that what is some guy is inseparable from who is the guy is silly and infantile.
I think it’s because some young men these days think relationships are charities in which they will bask in the fuzzy wuzzies (romantic love) and orgasms and only be appreciated for what “nice guys” they are (“who” they are.)
Well, any woman with a half a brain knows that what a man is (his position in life) is damn important, whether he is poor, middle class, or rich. So is health status. When there are thousand of dollars worth of monthly bills and children to raise, who some guy is (the inoffensive, tender, nice guy) ain’t gonna cut it!
Add onto that dealing with nagging in-laws, nagging and aging parents, chores, sporting events for the kids, errands, and family and social functions and we’ll see just how much who spouses/life partners are matters versus what they are.
I think the first time I heard this who-versus-what mumbo jumbo was from the late 80’s film Coming to America and even at a young age I had no idea what the main character meant! I still don’t!
I think the who vs what argument is mostly a woman thing anyways tbh.
How many men will wake up their wives/girlfriends in the middle of the night asking “would you still love me if I was a worm”?
Probably some psych stuff involved, where a woman is actually asking “will you love me even when I age out of beauty?” (just a hunch).
Why does the whole who vs what thing matter anyways? As you said, they are literally inseparable.
OP needs to get laid, get some confidence, and get a grip. Unfortunately, none of those things will happen.
I think you’d like a book I’ve recommended on here before, No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It’s a quick, simple read and touches upon all this.
No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life https://a.co/d/hvvwGi9
Edit: From the description:
“He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.“
You’re actually talking to someone who has likely railed against and provided the most information on the divorce/family court system more than anyone else on this site.
I know about it all, in detail. If men want to do the cohabitation thing with kids, OK, that’s not my business, and I can see why some choose that option now. Living in separate homes with kids when there’s not even a divorce, no, not my business, but might putting children at higher degree of risk.
@BrickHead is saying that you can be in a civil partnership, have kids, live together, and NOT be married - there’s nothing at all wrong with that (religion/morality dependent for some). No one loses except maybe your household (monetarily) due to a higher tax rate.
Data supports that children living with only one parent are negatively impacted in terms of financial, educational, and emotional development.
None of this applies to you though, because whether you want one or not - you won’t get a woman.
SO, hows that whole ‘getting muscle for the girls’ thing going?
I think that as we (or a relationship) matures, seeking validation can mostly only harm a healthy relationship. Our focus should be switched from receiving validation to giving it without expecting it in return. Just trusting the little things you do for and with each other in the life that you built is all the validation you’ll ever need. The occasional bigger gestures can feel all the better for it.
Seeking it outside of that will just manifest and cause problems, and unless there really is an imbalance or glaring problem in the relationship… then it’s a self-issue.
That’s unacceptable, millennial. I also want my AI drawing of a 6’00" 125 lb 20 something man neurotically posting on strength training websites to be done in the style of Francisco Goya.
Sometimes it’s worth risking being bitten if there’s potential for a big payoff at the end.
Sounds to me like you’re deluding yourself into thinking you’re being sensible to hide from the fact that you don’t want to take risks. The obstacle is the way.
