Dealing with a Nut-job at Work

Off Topic
81

[quote]debraD wrote:
Thanks for all your responses! :slight_smile:

I think the first thing for me to do will be to talk to my boss and co-workers and then HR. I will then stop by at the RCMP station on my way home and at the very least give them the scenario and get their advice.

I do think he needs to be fired and don’t feel sorry for him in the least. My only concern is what damage an out of work obsessed db admin could do but the more I think about it he is more dangerous to me working in my building especially after showing up in my gmail account. I would punch him in the face if I thought it might help.

HR had previously asked me to keep quiet but I never complied with that and made sure all the people who work closely with me were aware of the situation. HR was worried there might be a problem with one of these guys deciding to ‘talk’ with him and if you imagine my co-workers are on average about 65% Dwight you might see it as a valid concern. But I know it’s better for me to not have it be a secret.

He already does know where I live because he has followed me to and from work already. He doesn’t live anywhere near me and has no reason to be hanging around here.

SteelyD, he is very quiet, fairly new to the company and the city and nobody seems to know much about him. He ‘seems’ like a nice normal guy. [/quote]

No ending to this story is going to be good. But if you let the police advise you and handle him you’re more likely to get a safer, better ending. My guess is they’ll issue a restraining order and notify your HR department, who will have to fire him. At that point, he’s going to be enraged and step-up his campaign of harassment. This will make it easier for the police to haul his butt in. One way or another, his actions will escalate and none of this will stop until an ending is forced. It stinks that you’ve been put in the middle of his warped-ass mess but the fact is you’re going to have to deal with him. You can either be the driver or the passenger in his crazy little car. I don’t see you as a go-with-the-flow kind of girl.

Oh, and HR wants you to “keep quiet” because if nobody else knows they knew the guy was nuts and didn’t get rid of him people are less likely to point a finger at them after the mass shooting makes the evening news. They aren’t looking out for YOU so screw them. Take charge, Deb.

82

on edge:
How can leaving voicemails (just to hear her voice), sending delusional e-mails and following to and from work AFTER she’s asked him to stop it be seen as a misunderstanding? If it was an unhappy coincidence that he happened to be in her neighborhood early morning and evening, you’d think he would have pointed that out (particular grocery store, gym etc). I’m wondering if you read her original post?

While I do agree that some women can be pretty much batshit and claim to have someone harassing them, there is not usually any solid evidence to back it up. The OP claims this guy has left a record by sending disturbing e-mails and leaving voice messages. If that is the case, I can’t see how you could mistake this behavior for anything but harassment.

83

There was a really good horror film made a few years back that sounds eerily like your story.

P2.

Don’t be alone at the office ever. And don’t confront him in an isolated area, confront him privately but in public, so if things do go wrong everyone will be nearby. It’s almost like the universe wants you to go to the police…your boss and hr rep are on vaca. Also, I think its better to overreact than to under-react.

84

One of my good friends had a problem like this, except the guy lived in her house, was harrassing her (was a roomie that her roomate had chosen), and no one would do anything about it because he was on the lease and hadn’t actually harmed anyone.

My friend tried everything, from screaming at him, calling the police, trying to get the apartment to evict him…etc. Nothing worked. Then her uncle (who is huge and looks extremely redneck) came over and told him “If you EVER hurt my niece, me and my sons will hunt you down and kill you. The police will never find your body.”

All harrassment stopped after that. Her uncle had been to jail before and might have meant what he said. In anycase, no one was hurt, and the apartment complex discovered that he had a criminal record in another state which he failed to disclose (he’d apparently beat his 10 year old son bloody with a belt), so he was evicted.

Right now this guy is chasing you. If you turn it into a fight (address him to his face, in a mostly private area, either you or a large male friend of your’s) I doubt he’d maintain interest.

85

[quote]Borolax wrote:
There was a really good horror film made a few years back that sounds eerily like your story.

P2.

Don’t be alone at the office ever. And don’t confront him in an isolated area, confront him privately but in public, so if things do go wrong everyone will be nearby. It’s almost like the universe wants you to go to the police…your boss and hr rep are on vaca. Also, I think its better to overreact than to under-react. [/quote]

I completely disagree with this. If you followed this advice, it would show that you’re afraid of him (which he probably already suspects that you are) and that would make it more likely that he would harm you if you did something he didn’t approve of.

The first rule of walking in a dangerous area is to keep your head up, be aware, look intimidating, and don’t speed up. People who look ready to fight actually have to less often.

86

[quote]dianab wrote:
on edge:
How can leaving voicemails (just to hear her voice), sending delusional e-mails and following to and from work AFTER she’s asked him to stop it be seen as a misunderstanding? If it was an unhappy coincidence that he happened to be in her neighborhood early morning and evening, you’d think he would have pointed that out (particular grocery store, gym etc). I’m wondering if you read her original post?

While I do agree that some women can be pretty much batshit and claim to have someone harassing them, there is not usually any solid evidence to back it up. The OP claims this guy has left a record by sending disturbing e-mails and leaving voice messages. If that is the case, I can’t see how you could mistake this behavior for anything but harassment.[/quote]

Sorry I didn’t commit the original post to memory. My point is still valid in a general sense. People can run into each other coincidentally and someone should be told that contact is unwanted so they can actively avoid it.

87

[quote]Oleena wrote:

[quote]Borolax wrote:
There was a really good horror film made a few years back that sounds eerily like your story.

P2.

Don’t be alone at the office ever. And don’t confront him in an isolated area, confront him privately but in public, so if things do go wrong everyone will be nearby. It’s almost like the universe wants you to go to the police…your boss and hr rep are on vaca. Also, I think its better to overreact than to under-react. [/quote]

I completely disagree with this. If you followed this advice, it would show that you’re afraid of him (which he probably already suspects that you are) and that would make it more likely that he would harm you if you did something he didn’t approve of.

The first rule of walking in a dangerous area is to keep your head up, be aware, look intimidating, and don’t speed up. People who look ready to fight actually have to less often.[/quote]

Well I’m just throwing out ideas. Ideally they wouldn’t have to interact at all. I think theres a difference between showing fear and thinking cautiously. I think it’s logical that if your alone with the guy it’s most likely more dangerous than if you’re in the vicinity of people who can intervene if necessary. Why would you walk into a dangerous area in the first place, you’d want to avoid them. Also, she isnt some meathead wanting to pick a fight…I agree with appearing confident and not showing fear but it’s almost irrelevant.

88

[quote]3hitter wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:

[quote]3hitter wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
Sorry to generalize this, but your situation is a lot like a few case studies I’ve had. Youre dealing with an Erotomaniac.

This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you. To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you, dropping by, writing e-mails, doing unsolicited errands “on your behalf”, talking to your friends, co-workers, and family, and, in general, making himself available at all times. The erotomaniac feels free to make for you legal, financial, and emotional decisions and to commit you without your express consent or even knowledge.

The erotomaniac intrudes on your privacy, does not respect your express wishes and personal boundaries and ignores your emotions, needs, and preferences. To him Ã???Ã???Ã??Ã?¢?? or her Ã???Ã???Ã??Ã?¢?? “love” means enmeshment and clinging coupled with an overpowering separation anxiety (fear of being abandoned). He or she may even force himself (or herself) upon you sexually.

Moreover, no amount of denials, chastising, threats, and even outright hostile actions will convince the erotomaniac that you are not in love with him. He knows better and will make you see the light as well. You are simply unaware of what is good for you, divorced as you are from your emotions. The erotomaniac determinedly sees it as his or her task to bring life and happiness into your dreary existence.

Thus, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the erotomaniac is convinced that his or her feelings are reciprocated - in other words, that you are equally in love with him or her. The erotomanic stalker interprets everything you do (or refrain from doing) as coded messages confessing to and conveying your eternal devotion to him and to your “relationship”.

Erotomaniacs are socially-inapt, awkward, schizoid, and suffer from a host of mood and anxiety disorders. They may also be people with whom you have been involved romantically (e.g., your former spouse, a former boyfriend, a one night stand) �??�??�?�¢?? or otherwise (for instance, colleagues or co-workers). They are driven by their all-consuming loneliness and all-pervasive fantasies.

Consequently, erotomaniacs react badly to any perceived rejection by their victims. They turn on a dime and become dangerously vindictive, out to destroy the source of their mounting frustration Ã???Ã???Ã??Ã?¢?? you. When the “relationship” looks hopeless, many erotomaniacs turn to violence in a spree of self-destruction.

Ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him or even acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws and often suffers from ideas of reference. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of his “loved one”.

The No Contact Policy works best for this type.

the worst thing you can do is tell him to stop or even talk to him. He remembers all contact with you and romanticizes over it.

Don’t read the messages or emails. He’ll see the “unread” and eventually wear himself out then stop.

its gonna be hard, but your best bet is to ignore the fuck out of him. It will take a long time. Arm yourself and lift heavier, just in case.

[/quote]

Wouldn’t it have been easier to copy and paste the link to this??[/quote]

actually, I copy/pasted this from a book I used to do my assignments…no real difference. Why would you point this out? Especially when it really has nothing to do with anything. [/quote]

Calm down. Why can everyone bust your chops but me? I wasn’t trying to be an ass.
There are alot of other good points in those pages that’s all. I read it a while back. It’s a great read.
Man I hope everyone can relax in the New Year.[/quote]

I’m sorry. I’m just wound up over another situation I’m trying to figure out.

89

I wasn’t kidding about the where he lives thing aha…

90

Document every email and voice mail and escalate it to your boss/HR. He had a warning once, he should have gotten the message… but he didn’t. So he should except the consequences, it’s not your fault he doesn’t listen. Bury the fucker.

If that doesn’t work you could contact the wife. Time to take out those claws.

91

[quote]dday wrote:
Shoot him in the tootles!

What?!?! That’s meh name your throwing around!! hehe.

92

[quote]Nate112 wrote:
I wasn’t kidding about the where he lives thing aha…[/quote]

stop shaming neelydan’s country

93

[quote]Brother Chris wrote:
I suggest you start harassing him by flashing him at work while letting a co-worker take pictures of it for further approval on T-Nation.

Seriously, I would suggest collecting evidence and reporting him, as well as, getting a restraining order. I’d suggest you get a body guard, but HolyMac cannot go AWOL and JP has a wife, so you are stuck with getting your own protection. Never underestimate a crazy person, especially if they are ugly, they have nothing to live for. [/quote]

Haha… reminds me of this retardedly ugly and delusional chick. My fault for being too extroverted

Miss, you must get some protection.

94

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
Sorry to generalize this, but your situation is a lot like a few case studies I’ve had. Youre dealing with an Erotomaniac.

This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you. To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you, dropping by, writing e-mails, doing unsolicited errands “on your behalf”, talking to your friends, co-workers, and family, and, in general, making himself available at all times. The erotomaniac feels free to make for you legal, financial, and emotional decisions and to commit you without your express consent or even knowledge.

The erotomaniac intrudes on your privacy, does not respect your express wishes and personal boundaries and ignores your emotions, needs, and preferences. To him â?? or her â?? “love” means enmeshment and clinging coupled with an overpowering separation anxiety (fear of being abandoned). He or she may even force himself (or herself) upon you sexually.

Moreover, no amount of denials, chastising, threats, and even outright hostile actions will convince the erotomaniac that you are not in love with him. He knows better and will make you see the light as well. You are simply unaware of what is good for you, divorced as you are from your emotions. The erotomaniac determinedly sees it as his or her task to bring life and happiness into your dreary existence.

Thus, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the erotomaniac is convinced that his or her feelings are reciprocated - in other words, that you are equally in love with him or her. The erotomanic stalker interprets everything you do (or refrain from doing) as coded messages confessing to and conveying your eternal devotion to him and to your “relationship”.

Erotomaniacs are socially-inapt, awkward, schizoid, and suffer from a host of mood and anxiety disorders. They may also be people with whom you have been involved romantically (e.g., your former spouse, a former boyfriend, a one night stand) â?? or otherwise (for instance, colleagues or co-workers). They are driven by their all-consuming loneliness and all-pervasive fantasies.

Consequently, erotomaniacs react badly to any perceived rejection by their victims. They turn on a dime and become dangerously vindictive, out to destroy the source of their mounting frustration â?? you. When the “relationship” looks hopeless, many erotomaniacs turn to violence in a spree of self-destruction.

Ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him or even acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws and often suffers from ideas of reference. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of his “loved one”.

The No Contact Policy works best for this type.

the worst thing you can do is tell him to stop or even talk to him. He remembers all contact with you and romanticizes over it.

Don’t read the messages or emails. He’ll see the “unread” and eventually wear himself out then stop.

its gonna be hard, but your best bet is to ignore the fuck out of him. It will take a long time. Arm yourself and lift heavier, just in case.

[/quote]
What if the erotomaniac is female and the victim is male?

95

You should also consult counsel. No one likes lawyers until they need them. It is also preferable to speak with the police when your lawyer is present (it does not matter if you are innocent or guilty.) Furthermore, a lawyer who is already apprised of the situation (should this matter go to court) will be more capable of dealing with it.

96

women are tooo nice.

Tell him to leave you alone or your going to HR to get him fired.
Go to HR tell him he’s harrassing you and have him fired. He fired himself you didn’t. He got his warning. If the company tells him not to lose money and he loses money they will fire him. They told him not to fuck with you and he still does they will fire him. Where is the question of what to do?

97

[quote]kardon wrote:
What if the erotomaniac is female and the victim is male?[/quote]

From what I skim of the passage, I must recommend the same no contact policy. In my unfortunate experience it is far easier to intimidate random tough guys than crazy uglies. And if she is crazy and cannot be intimidated into behaving herself, gloating over and bullying the female is not worth it, as the fundamental problem is that in addition to her many other faults she is shockingly ugly and the male only hurts himself by having to think about it.

I am frankly embarrassed and ashamed of that situation. What a disgrace.

EDIT Having read the passage more closely I must admit that it was an unnatural situation. I’d naturally arrogantly ignore her, problem solved, but the thing was, at the time she was effectively a suitemate. I was forced to interact but to no avail. Ended up having to cover my eyes every time I went out, lmao

98

[quote]kardon wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
Sorry to generalize this, but your situation is a lot like a few case studies I’ve had. Youre dealing with an Erotomaniac.

This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you. To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you, dropping by, writing e-mails, doing unsolicited errands “on your behalf”, talking to your friends, co-workers, and family, and, in general, making himself available at all times. The erotomaniac feels free to make for you legal, financial, and emotional decisions and to commit you without your express consent or even knowledge.

The erotomaniac intrudes on your privacy, does not respect your express wishes and personal boundaries and ignores your emotions, needs, and preferences. To him Ã?¢?? or her Ã?¢?? “love” means enmeshment and clinging coupled with an overpowering separation anxiety (fear of being abandoned). He or she may even force himself (or herself) upon you sexually.

Moreover, no amount of denials, chastising, threats, and even outright hostile actions will convince the erotomaniac that you are not in love with him. He knows better and will make you see the light as well. You are simply unaware of what is good for you, divorced as you are from your emotions. The erotomaniac determinedly sees it as his or her task to bring life and happiness into your dreary existence.

Thus, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the erotomaniac is convinced that his or her feelings are reciprocated - in other words, that you are equally in love with him or her. The erotomanic stalker interprets everything you do (or refrain from doing) as coded messages confessing to and conveying your eternal devotion to him and to your “relationship”.

Erotomaniacs are socially-inapt, awkward, schizoid, and suffer from a host of mood and anxiety disorders. They may also be people with whom you have been involved romantically (e.g., your former spouse, a former boyfriend, a one night stand) �¢?? or otherwise (for instance, colleagues or co-workers). They are driven by their all-consuming loneliness and all-pervasive fantasies.

Consequently, erotomaniacs react badly to any perceived rejection by their victims. They turn on a dime and become dangerously vindictive, out to destroy the source of their mounting frustration Ã?¢?? you. When the “relationship” looks hopeless, many erotomaniacs turn to violence in a spree of self-destruction.

Ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him or even acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws and often suffers from ideas of reference. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of his “loved one”.

The No Contact Policy works best for this type.

the worst thing you can do is tell him to stop or even talk to him. He remembers all contact with you and romanticizes over it.

Don’t read the messages or emails. He’ll see the “unread” and eventually wear himself out then stop.

its gonna be hard, but your best bet is to ignore the fuck out of him. It will take a long time. Arm yourself and lift heavier, just in case.

[/quote]
What if the erotomaniac is female and the victim is male?[/quote]

In my opinion, the male ego would be more accepting of this (I would, lol). If that’s not the case the same “stalling” out thing is for sure the way to eliminate attention, either gender.

99

3 pages of stuff I’ve already said.

100

[quote]Oleena wrote:
One of my good friends had a problem like this, except the guy lived in her house, was harrassing her (was a roomie that her roomate had chosen), and no one would do anything about it because he was on the lease and hadn’t actually harmed anyone.

My friend tried everything, from screaming at him, calling the police, trying to get the apartment to evict him…etc. Nothing worked. Then her uncle (who is huge and looks extremely redneck) came over and told him “If you EVER hurt my niece, me and my sons will hunt you down and kill you. The police will never find your body.”

All harrassment stopped after that. Her uncle had been to jail before and might have meant what he said. In anycase, no one was hurt, and the apartment complex discovered that he had a criminal record in another state which he failed to disclose (he’d apparently beat his 10 year old son bloody with a belt), so he was evicted.

Right now this guy is chasing you. If you turn it into a fight (address him to his face, in a mostly private area, either you or a large male friend of your’s) I doubt he’d maintain interest.
[/quote]

Oleena, I find myself both agreeing and disagreeing with this advice.

First, sometimes violence or the threat of violence IS just the thing that’s needed…
I know of a case where a young girl was more or less molested by some guy who would fish in the river near her schoolbus stop. This was in a very rural area. The police went and had a talk with him and told him to stay away from that area. (He didn’t even live in that town.) After that, the guy didn’t approach the girl anymore when she got off her bus, but he was there fishing, on most days when her schoolbus pulled up! So, needless to say, the girl was constantly terrified of getting off the bus. The molester’s reasoning was that it’s a free country and he can fish wherever he pleased. But there’s no doubt he got a kick out of knowing how intimidating he was being.

Finally, the girl’s father and uncle, both big, redneck-looking guys, went over to have a little talk with the fisherman. They each brought along their shotgun, too. The girl had no idea what her father and uncle said to the creep, but he apparently found a new spot to fish, because he was never seen in the area again. (Either that, or they shot him and sank his body in the river - which would have been just as well.)

I also agree with you that people who appear to be tough and self-confident are much less likely to get messed with.

But Debra’s case is different. For one thing, she has already been targeted by this guy, so it’s too late for her to perceived by him as someone he doesn’t want to mess with. Also, even though she can probably kick his ass if it came down to a fight, you don’t know what’s going on this nutcase’s head. He might be armed. I look at it this way: if someone came after ME with a gun or even with a bomb strapped to himself, all my efforts in the gym aren’t going to do me a hell of a lot of good - except for sprinting maybe.

She needs to be as safe as possible, which means making sure she gets the police involved.