Dealing with a Nut-job at Work

Off Topic
61

For real.

There’s plenty of female stalkers who wreck windows panes, car windows and run up our cell phone bills by dumping a zillion unwanted SMSes - and men just suffer in silence. Some poor probably-married sod tries to reconnect and mistimes ONE poorly set up innuendo-laden joke, and the resident heavy-squatting vixen gets bent out of shape. For the record, the OP’s complaint is the FIRST stalking-related female complaint on this site that has merit IMHO.

Phew, judging by some of the complaints we’ve seen from the lasses on here (again NOT the OP), if I even SEE one of the female posters from here in real life 100 feet from me, my best bet is to run off screaming before she reports me to the cops for stalking her.

Then again, most people who see me in real life would run off screaming like they’d seen a fucking gargoyle, lol, thanks at least in part to my heavily beat-up/scarred face.

[quote]on edge wrote:

[quote]pushmepullme wrote:

I had a nutjob from work in CO try to visit me in OK four years after we’d worked (and talked) together.

[/quote]

I hope there’s more to this story. From what you’ve posted it sounds like a former coworker tried to reconnect.[/quote]

62

Kill him, cut him in roughly 30 pieces and feed him to some hungry pigs.

OR! Do what everyone already suggested, contact the police, file a report and tell the fucker what’s what in front of alot of collegues.

Good luck with getting rid of this guy.

63

Now that I’ve heard he’s followed you to and from work, I’ll repeat what I said earlier, and what the officer posted, as well.

GO TO THE POLICE.

they would much, much rather take reports, file paperwork, let you know what steps you can take, and have nothing else happen, than start from scratch when you come home from work one day and find him in your house.

it’s scary, deb. very. be thankful that nothing has happened yet to hurt you physically, or anyone/anything you care about. but don’t let it rest.

to those of you who are suggesting things like, “if you report it, you’ll anger him, and it may escalate,” IT’S ALREADY ESCALATING. HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND, “NO!”

64

Sorry to generalize this, but your situation is a lot like a few case studies I’ve had. Youre dealing with an Erotomaniac.

This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you. To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you, dropping by, writing e-mails, doing unsolicited errands “on your behalf”, talking to your friends, co-workers, and family, and, in general, making himself available at all times. The erotomaniac feels free to make for you legal, financial, and emotional decisions and to commit you without your express consent or even knowledge.

The erotomaniac intrudes on your privacy, does not respect your express wishes and personal boundaries and ignores your emotions, needs, and preferences. To him â?? or her â?? “love” means enmeshment and clinging coupled with an overpowering separation anxiety (fear of being abandoned). He or she may even force himself (or herself) upon you sexually.

Moreover, no amount of denials, chastising, threats, and even outright hostile actions will convince the erotomaniac that you are not in love with him. He knows better and will make you see the light as well. You are simply unaware of what is good for you, divorced as you are from your emotions. The erotomaniac determinedly sees it as his or her task to bring life and happiness into your dreary existence.

Thus, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the erotomaniac is convinced that his or her feelings are reciprocated - in other words, that you are equally in love with him or her. The erotomanic stalker interprets everything you do (or refrain from doing) as coded messages confessing to and conveying your eternal devotion to him and to your “relationship”.

Erotomaniacs are socially-inapt, awkward, schizoid, and suffer from a host of mood and anxiety disorders. They may also be people with whom you have been involved romantically (e.g., your former spouse, a former boyfriend, a one night stand) â?? or otherwise (for instance, colleagues or co-workers). They are driven by their all-consuming loneliness and all-pervasive fantasies.

Consequently, erotomaniacs react badly to any perceived rejection by their victims. They turn on a dime and become dangerously vindictive, out to destroy the source of their mounting frustration â?? you. When the “relationship” looks hopeless, many erotomaniacs turn to violence in a spree of self-destruction.

Ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him or even acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws and often suffers from ideas of reference. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of his “loved one”.

The No Contact Policy works best for this type.

the worst thing you can do is tell him to stop or even talk to him. He remembers all contact with you and romanticizes over it.

Don’t read the messages or emails. He’ll see the “unread” and eventually wear himself out then stop.

its gonna be hard, but your best bet is to ignore the fuck out of him. It will take a long time. Arm yourself and lift heavier, just in case.

65

also, let the police know what’s going on.

like, right now.

66

[quote]CBear84 wrote:
to those of you who are suggesting things like, “if you report it, you’ll anger him, and it may escalate,” IT’S ALREADY ESCALATING. HE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND, “NO!” [/quote]

And this, too. Deb shouldn’t have cow to an aggressive (he is aggressive if he does not respect her “no,” even if he doesn’t touch her) man for fear that he will become more aggressive.

As for lanchfan, I don’t deal with any employment or sex work (har), but think about the company’s incentives here - they just want things to be fixed quickly and quietly so other people don’t come out with stories that give support to an argument that the environment is hostile. They are trying to avoid liability, from you, him, and the rest of the group.

The company is not your friend here.

67

got a brother? that’s what we’re made for :slight_smile:

68

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
Sorry to generalize this, but your situation is a lot like a few case studies I’ve had. Youre dealing with an Erotomaniac.

This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you. To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you, dropping by, writing e-mails, doing unsolicited errands “on your behalf”, talking to your friends, co-workers, and family, and, in general, making himself available at all times. The erotomaniac feels free to make for you legal, financial, and emotional decisions and to commit you without your express consent or even knowledge.

The erotomaniac intrudes on your privacy, does not respect your express wishes and personal boundaries and ignores your emotions, needs, and preferences. To him â?? or her â?? “love” means enmeshment and clinging coupled with an overpowering separation anxiety (fear of being abandoned). He or she may even force himself (or herself) upon you sexually.

Moreover, no amount of denials, chastising, threats, and even outright hostile actions will convince the erotomaniac that you are not in love with him. He knows better and will make you see the light as well. You are simply unaware of what is good for you, divorced as you are from your emotions. The erotomaniac determinedly sees it as his or her task to bring life and happiness into your dreary existence.

Thus, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the erotomaniac is convinced that his or her feelings are reciprocated - in other words, that you are equally in love with him or her. The erotomanic stalker interprets everything you do (or refrain from doing) as coded messages confessing to and conveying your eternal devotion to him and to your “relationship”.

Erotomaniacs are socially-inapt, awkward, schizoid, and suffer from a host of mood and anxiety disorders. They may also be people with whom you have been involved romantically (e.g., your former spouse, a former boyfriend, a one night stand) â?? or otherwise (for instance, colleagues or co-workers). They are driven by their all-consuming loneliness and all-pervasive fantasies.

Consequently, erotomaniacs react badly to any perceived rejection by their victims. They turn on a dime and become dangerously vindictive, out to destroy the source of their mounting frustration â?? you. When the “relationship” looks hopeless, many erotomaniacs turn to violence in a spree of self-destruction.

Ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him or even acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws and often suffers from ideas of reference. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of his “loved one”.

The No Contact Policy works best for this type.

the worst thing you can do is tell him to stop or even talk to him. He remembers all contact with you and romanticizes over it.

Don’t read the messages or emails. He’ll see the “unread” and eventually wear himself out then stop.

its gonna be hard, but your best bet is to ignore the fuck out of him. It will take a long time. Arm yourself and lift heavier, just in case.

[/quote]

Wouldn’t it have been easier to copy and paste the link to this??

69

[quote]3hitter wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
Sorry to generalize this, but your situation is a lot like a few case studies I’ve had. Youre dealing with an Erotomaniac.

This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you. To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you, dropping by, writing e-mails, doing unsolicited errands “on your behalf”, talking to your friends, co-workers, and family, and, in general, making himself available at all times. The erotomaniac feels free to make for you legal, financial, and emotional decisions and to commit you without your express consent or even knowledge.

The erotomaniac intrudes on your privacy, does not respect your express wishes and personal boundaries and ignores your emotions, needs, and preferences. To him Ã??Ã?¢?? or her Ã??Ã?¢?? “love” means enmeshment and clinging coupled with an overpowering separation anxiety (fear of being abandoned). He or she may even force himself (or herself) upon you sexually.

Moreover, no amount of denials, chastising, threats, and even outright hostile actions will convince the erotomaniac that you are not in love with him. He knows better and will make you see the light as well. You are simply unaware of what is good for you, divorced as you are from your emotions. The erotomaniac determinedly sees it as his or her task to bring life and happiness into your dreary existence.

Thus, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the erotomaniac is convinced that his or her feelings are reciprocated - in other words, that you are equally in love with him or her. The erotomanic stalker interprets everything you do (or refrain from doing) as coded messages confessing to and conveying your eternal devotion to him and to your “relationship”.

Erotomaniacs are socially-inapt, awkward, schizoid, and suffer from a host of mood and anxiety disorders. They may also be people with whom you have been involved romantically (e.g., your former spouse, a former boyfriend, a one night stand) �?�¢?? or otherwise (for instance, colleagues or co-workers). They are driven by their all-consuming loneliness and all-pervasive fantasies.

Consequently, erotomaniacs react badly to any perceived rejection by their victims. They turn on a dime and become dangerously vindictive, out to destroy the source of their mounting frustration Ã??Ã?¢?? you. When the “relationship” looks hopeless, many erotomaniacs turn to violence in a spree of self-destruction.

Ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him or even acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws and often suffers from ideas of reference. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of his “loved one”.

The No Contact Policy works best for this type.

the worst thing you can do is tell him to stop or even talk to him. He remembers all contact with you and romanticizes over it.

Don’t read the messages or emails. He’ll see the “unread” and eventually wear himself out then stop.

its gonna be hard, but your best bet is to ignore the fuck out of him. It will take a long time. Arm yourself and lift heavier, just in case.

[/quote]

Wouldn’t it have been easier to copy and paste the link to this??[/quote]

actually, I copy/pasted this from a book I used to do my assignments…no real difference. Why would you point this out? Especially when it really has nothing to do with anything.

70

This guy’s fucking with you, fuck with him back. Do what no other woman in this situation has done before. Start following HIM home. Don’t send him any emails, or do anything else that can be tracked, but leave something on his front door step in the middle of the night.

How do you normally dress for work? How do you normally act with coworkers? Don’t take this the wrong way, but let’s be honest here, you’re a woman that has voluntarily put up half naked pictures of herself on the Internet for friends and strangers to gawk at, give us a little color as to your “professional” behavior traits. If you normally dress a little slutty to work, try dressing professionally. Are you a flirt with normal coworkers? Try acting prudish.

And on the flipside, if you dress and act prudish, try dressing and acting slutty. What I’m saying is, make this guy lose interest in you, outside of bringing in HR and the police. I still say, bringing in the cops is a recipe for disaster. Have some fun with it.

71

Debra,

I think your plan to go to HR is the right one. I think you should ALSO follow SirenSong’s advice and go to the police as well. As she pointed out, the police have experience dealing with loons like this. Wol’s advice about the pepper spray, tazer, etc. is also worth following just to be safe. (I think he’s right about pancakes too, FWIW.) The worst HR can do is fire him. But the police may be in a position to keep an eye on him, especially in the aftermath, and to maybe keep on eye on you too to help keep you safe.

Don’t bother trying to contact his wife directly or trying to humiliate him in front of his coworkers. That’s just stirring up shit. I also wouldn’t bother trying to do any investigations of your own on him. Why? Because if it ever came to light he could claim that his interest in you was MUTUAL. I’m sure people like him can twist anything around to suit them.

Oh, and the last thing I would do is worry about him losing his job or harming his relationship with his wife and child. This guy is not worth your worry. He’s a loser with obvious mental issues, so his wife and family are better off knowing the truth. He’s probably the same type of guy who beats his wife or molests his kids, unfortunately.

If I could, I would come out there and punch this guy in the face! I bet Print would join me in that.

  • Bob
72

Deb, I thought you push each others buttons at work and see how far can you take it? Isn’t that what you said in the other thread?

But on a serious note: I would confront him face to face and tell him what the deal is. He might not realize that he’s freaking you out. Sounds silly, but it’s rather possible. Tell him to stop doing all this shit or you will talk to HR/ police/ his wife/ etc.
Tell him that he’s scaring you and that’s why you would do it. Or don’t say the last thing. You decide, because you know the details.

73

[quote]VealChop wrote:
This guy’s fucking with you, fuck with him back. Do what no other woman in this situation has done before. Start following HIM home. Don’t send him any emails, or do anything else that can be tracked, but leave something on his front door step in the middle of the night.

How do you normally dress for work? How do you normally act with coworkers? Don’t take this the wrong way, but let’s be honest here, you’re a woman that has voluntarily put up half naked pictures of herself on the Internet for friends and strangers to gawk at, give us a little color as to your “professional” behavior traits. If you normally dress a little slutty to work, try dressing professionally. Are you a flirt with normal coworkers? Try acting prudish.

And on the flipside, if you dress and act prudish, try dressing and acting slutty. What I’m saying is, make this guy lose interest in you, outside of bringing in HR and the police. I still say, bringing in the cops is a recipe for disaster. Have some fun with it.[/quote]

Stop watching so much tv.

Also, i’m sure you’re just playing, anyway.

74

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:

[quote]3hitter wrote:

[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
Sorry to generalize this, but your situation is a lot like a few case studies I’ve had. Youre dealing with an Erotomaniac.

This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you. To show his keen interest, he keeps calling you, dropping by, writing e-mails, doing unsolicited errands “on your behalf”, talking to your friends, co-workers, and family, and, in general, making himself available at all times. The erotomaniac feels free to make for you legal, financial, and emotional decisions and to commit you without your express consent or even knowledge.

The erotomaniac intrudes on your privacy, does not respect your express wishes and personal boundaries and ignores your emotions, needs, and preferences. To him Ã???Ã??Ã?¢?? or her Ã???Ã??Ã?¢?? “love” means enmeshment and clinging coupled with an overpowering separation anxiety (fear of being abandoned). He or she may even force himself (or herself) upon you sexually.

Moreover, no amount of denials, chastising, threats, and even outright hostile actions will convince the erotomaniac that you are not in love with him. He knows better and will make you see the light as well. You are simply unaware of what is good for you, divorced as you are from your emotions. The erotomaniac determinedly sees it as his or her task to bring life and happiness into your dreary existence.

Thus, regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the erotomaniac is convinced that his or her feelings are reciprocated - in other words, that you are equally in love with him or her. The erotomanic stalker interprets everything you do (or refrain from doing) as coded messages confessing to and conveying your eternal devotion to him and to your “relationship”.

Erotomaniacs are socially-inapt, awkward, schizoid, and suffer from a host of mood and anxiety disorders. They may also be people with whom you have been involved romantically (e.g., your former spouse, a former boyfriend, a one night stand) �??�?�¢?? or otherwise (for instance, colleagues or co-workers). They are driven by their all-consuming loneliness and all-pervasive fantasies.

Consequently, erotomaniacs react badly to any perceived rejection by their victims. They turn on a dime and become dangerously vindictive, out to destroy the source of their mounting frustration Ã???Ã??Ã?¢?? you. When the “relationship” looks hopeless, many erotomaniacs turn to violence in a spree of self-destruction.

Ignore the erotomaniac. Do not communicate with him or even acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws and often suffers from ideas of reference. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of his “loved one”.

The No Contact Policy works best for this type.

the worst thing you can do is tell him to stop or even talk to him. He remembers all contact with you and romanticizes over it.

Don’t read the messages or emails. He’ll see the “unread” and eventually wear himself out then stop.

its gonna be hard, but your best bet is to ignore the fuck out of him. It will take a long time. Arm yourself and lift heavier, just in case.

[/quote]

Wouldn’t it have been easier to copy and paste the link to this??[/quote]

actually, I copy/pasted this from a book I used to do my assignments…no real difference. Why would you point this out? Especially when it really has nothing to do with anything. [/quote]

Calm down. Why can everyone bust your chops but me? I wasn’t trying to be an ass.
There are alot of other good points in those pages that’s all. I read it a while back. It’s a great read.
Man I hope everyone can relax in the New Year.

75

I don’t watch TV actually, I think it’s evil. Yes, I’m being lighthearted, because most other posters are blowing this up. This sort of thing happens constantly in the workplace, always has, probably always will. It’s highly unfortunate that there has to be such losers living among us, like this guy, making someone’s life a little more complicated, when I’m sure she’s got plenty of other problems to deal with, just like all of us.

But practically speaking, only one out of a million times do situations like this actually result in a mass homicide. It’s easy to advise going to the police and HR and talking to the wife, and buy a gun, taser, and pepper spray all at the same time, it’s another matter to actually do that.

I think anything you do feeds this guy’s imagination. Ignore the hell out of him. He’ll go away in time.

76

[quote]VealChop wrote:
I don’t watch TV actually, I think it’s evil. Yes, I’m being lighthearted, because most other posters are blowing this up. This sort of thing happens constantly in the workplace, always has, probably always will. It’s highly unfortunate that there has to be such losers living among us, like this guy, making someone’s life a little more complicated, when I’m sure she’s got plenty of other problems to deal with, just like all of us.

But practically speaking, only one out of a million times do situations like this actually result in a mass homicide. It’s easy to advise going to the police and HR and talking to the wife, and buy a gun, taser, and pepper spray all at the same time, it’s another matter to actually do that.

I think anything you do feeds this guy’s imagination. Ignore the hell out of him. He’ll go away in time.[/quote]

She has already tried ignoring him. It hasn’t worked. I agree with the other people here. She should get a restraining order and go to HR.

77

Just for future reference purposes, it is kowtow, not cow tow.

No bovine pulling of any way, shape or form is involved in a kowtow.

Cereally.

78

[quote]VealChop wrote:
I don’t watch TV actually, I think it’s evil. Yes, I’m being lighthearted, because most other posters are blowing this up. This sort of thing happens constantly in the workplace, always has, probably always will. It’s highly unfortunate that there has to be such losers living among us, like this guy, making someone’s life a little more complicated, when I’m sure she’s got plenty of other problems to deal with, just like all of us.

But practically speaking, only one out of a million times do situations like this actually result in a mass homicide. It’s easy to advise going to the police and HR and talking to the wife, and buy a gun, taser, and pepper spray all at the same time, it’s another matter to actually do that.

I think anything you do feeds this guy’s imagination. Ignore the hell out of him. He’ll go away in time.[/quote]

Normally I’d agree with the will go away in time part except I’ve only had one interaction with this guy and that’s the initial chit-chat at the coffee station. The last time I even made eye contact with the guy was over a year ago when I saw him on my way to work.

I don’t think he’s going to be a homicidal maniac but this whole thing has me on edge that’s for sure. But I do not want to over react. But I don’t want to under react either!

Unfortunately I got to work and my Boss took the week off as did my HR rep (and most of the office–maybe I should do the same). I sent them both an e-mail but I’m going to have to find someone else to talk to now or wait until next week.

Fuzzy, I have those in place already for work related stuff and he happens to be on our dev network. There isn’t or shouldn’t be any expectation of privacy on that network.

79

[quote]jCaesar88 wrote:

I would confront him face to face and tell him what the deal is. He might not realize that he’s freaking you out. Sounds silly, but it’s rather possible. Tell him to stop doing all this shit or you will talk to HR/ police/ his wife/ etc.
Tell him that he’s scaring you and that’s why you would do it. [/quote]

I agree with this and hope it was done a long time ago. From what I’ve read, it is possible that it’s all been an innocent misunderstanding at this point. Being followed sounds bad but it could be he was just running an errand on the other side of town and never realized he was behind Debra. I used to live and work in the LA area and was always amazed how often I would see friends on the freeway.

I’ve read a post by the only member, I know of, who lives in the same town as I do. She said something like “if a member ever showed up at my gym he better be wearing a flame retardant suit”. I’m glad I know what she looks like and doesn’t know what I look like so if I ever see her out and about I can go in the opposite direction. With Debra’s situation, I hope her stalker has been informed that his attention is unwanted so he has the opportunity to actively avoid her before his life gets destroyed.

80

[quote]on edge wrote:

[quote]jCaesar88 wrote:

I would confront him face to face and tell him what the deal is. He might not realize that he’s freaking you out. Sounds silly, but it’s rather possible. Tell him to stop doing all this shit or you will talk to HR/ police/ his wife/ etc.
Tell him that he’s scaring you and that’s why you would do it. [/quote]

I agree with this and hope it was done a long time ago. From what I’ve read, it is possible that it’s all been an innocent misunderstanding at this point. Being followed sounds bad but it could be he was just running an errand on the other side of town and never realized he was behind Debra. I used to live and work in the LA area and was always amazed how often I would see friends on the freeway.

I’ve read a post by the only member, I know of, who lives in the same town as I do. She said something like “if a member ever showed up at my gym he better be wearing a flame retardant suit”. I’m glad I know what she looks like and doesn’t know what I look like so if I ever see her out and about I can go in the opposite direction. With Debra’s situation, I hope her stalker has been informed that his attention is unwanted so he has the opportunity to actively avoid her before his life gets destroyed.[/quote]

I actually didn’t think anything of seeing him coincidentally even several times on my way to and from work. I was rather oblivious to him. It wasn’t until he sent me an e-mail apologizing for being so ‘forward’ and that he can’t help himself but he’d like to see me sometime. To which I responded (in an e-mail) that I was in a relationship and I was not interested. But more e-mails, coincidences after coincidence, then voice mails. Now since then it has escalated to my boss having a talk with him ‘man to man’ then to HR and his boss sitting down with him explaining how things are and how they are not and that he must cease all contact. So, for a normal person there should be no confusion or innocent misunderstandings at this point.

I’m not a mean or otherwise cruel person and I don’t want to see anyone get hurt needlessly which is partly why I never spoke to HR in the first place. I’m not one to get upset about a harmless come-on even if people are stupid to do that crap at work, it isn’t going to upset me.

But I am getting pissed off but trying not to so I can handle this the best way possible for myself.