DarkDescartes TRT Recovery Log

Pharma TRT
122

TRT RTR (Road To Recovery) Log Week 6

Whats up guys,

I believe this marks week 2 without hcg & under a week since my last aromasin dose.

I feel decent. I’ve been waking up with solid morning wood I’d say. Maybe even slight feelings of libido. I feel like I have a little energy I’d like to direct towards women. I feel a bit more alpha.

These feelings are slight as of now, but noticeable enough for me to recognize them.

I have a tad bit more energy, I genuinely didn’t need caffeine yesterday and even now as i type this i feel awake. I feel more optimistic. I have thoughts about increasing the difficulty of my workouts too.

I’m taking this in stride, I have no judgements and i know this still could be a ways away from being over. I haven’t told my girlfriend about the improvements either. I need to experience it to believe it.

I’m switching back to my Mon/Thurs injections, I’m replicating what worked in my past.

I’m super neutral about this, but I’d be lying if i told you that i didn’t have this slight inkling that i could finally be nearing the end of this arduous journey.

As always ill keep you posted, catch you guys next weekend.

1 Like
123

This is more someone searching wellbutrin (and may actually need) in the future that reads you took it for 3 weeks and said it was not working for you. Wellbutrin has zero positive effects until about the 2 month mark. Usually there’s a day or two that feels extra good the first week. Those that feel that short initial good feeling are usually the ones it works for. I’ve read a lot users say that before I took it and found it to be correct in my case as well. Sucks you didn’t give it enough time to see if it would be your savior. It definitely helped my libido go from zero to good for a while.

The problem with most people these days is they don’t give anything enough time to work and then say it doesn’t work for them. TRT especially. It’s like cooking chicken halfway and then tasting it and saying you don’t like chicken. Until it’s ready it’s supposed to taste like shit.

124

I didn’t say wellbutrin didn’t work, i said that i was sick of taking drugs. i already knew that my use of wellbutrin was short lived.

i wanted to detoxify and just stay on testosterone, giving the no hcg and ai a shot.

So far this it seems okay, ill be checking my progress from shot to shot, week to week.

if i need wellbutrin again, ill surely take it, but what if i never needed it to begin with. Sometimes keeping it is the answer.

125

You never know what these drugs are doing to you in the long term, but what they do is far from natural changing brain hormones.

126

Agreed.

I slowed things down a bit in my mind going over what I’ve tried in comparison to my options. I was reviewing drugs for the brain in addition to my use of wellbutrin and i was getting into extremely experimental territory.

I’ve been telling myself that it has to be simplier than this, I’ve had my fun with substances but i wouldn’t say ive abused anything in particular. Misused? yes but abused, i dont think so. I just felt like it couldnt be this deep.

One of the only things i havent tried is testosterone only, and prior to trt when i took test, it was only test only.

I’ve never had an extended period without hcg as fertility was always on my mind, however at this point, id rather take my chances and feel amazing than be safe and be miserable. I’ll worry about fertility when the time comes.

if i need to experiment with neurotransmitters, fine. But not before i try test only for 2-3 months, not until i go the simple route before the complex one.

I could be right about my unfavorable response to hcg and save my brain any possible changes that could land me in a bigger hole.

Only time will tell.

127

TRT RTR (Road To Recovery) Log Week 7

I’m going to restart my 6 week protocol start tomorrow.

100mg of test cyp split into 2 injections Mon/Thurs Subq

Yesterday i caved on the AI, i was feeling a tad fatigued, not realizing that maybe i didn’t get the best sleep last night, i took a dose and of course, like every single time, nothing happened, and i dont know if i took myself farther away from recovery.

I literally threw all my AI’s in the garbage. Being patient is extremely hard, girls constantly interested and throwing themselves at me and i’m unable to do a thing about it really.

I’d love to but it feels like im fighting the natural instincts of my body. I WANT to approach and seduce women, but that confident, aggresive assertive self is still subdued. That “I want to fuck the shit out of you energy” just isn’t there. Having a conversation feels like a regular conversation, there’s no incentive to push forward since it isnt natural yet.

Even when i try to push forward, i feel timid, it feels like im lying when im trying to seduce a woman. These circumstances and emotions frustrate the FUCK outta me. Time after time, i got another woman in the bag, but i know the energy won’t come off right, and its makes me feel so sad.

This leads to impulsions. Impulsions that are utterly difficult to control.

I need to get everything out that would tempt me. I have hcg but none reconstituted. AI’s are gone. if i need them, they’ll be physician prescribed.

Meditation needs to come back. I have this terrible habit of quiting when i feel mentally peaceful, only to relapse into bad habits, once again im starting back up.

As far as I’m concerned, i have 3 areas to consider:
T/E2 balance
T3
Dopamine.

The first of which would be ideal if it were that simple, but we’ll have to wait until bloodwork to see where we go from here.

After 6 weeks, i hope i feel better with the subq injections. If not, at the very least we’ll have very useful bloodwork that’ll tell us what needs to happen to proceed forward.

With no more temptations to indulge our impulsivity, we’ll see what the next month and a half looks like.

128

TRT RTR (Road To Recovery) Log Week 8

Hey guys, nothing crazy after a week.

However i will say, i think i feel at peace, but for odd reasons.

A couple of days ago, during the week before after using the aromatase inhibitor, i lost morning wood again and it definitely feels like I’m back at square one.

At that moment, i just accepted that I’m currently miserable and unhappy.

You would think that would put me in a pit of suicidal despair or something to that affect, but it almost feels like the weight has been lifted.

I no longer feel burdened by the expediency of my recovery, no longer saying “hope i feel good in a few weeks” or things of that nature.

I understand that I’m not happy nor in a good place, and in an ironic way, i guess it feels okay.

Just because i dont feel happy or like myself now, doesnt mean the future won’t nor can’t be different. it sucks not knowing when it’ll be better, sucks even more to be burdened by the uncertainty, but i feel like i dont obsess over it anymore.

I’m 26 and decided that I’m living for my 27 year old self come April. I’m a practicing day trader and my goal is to have that skill mastered by my next birthday.

I’m also a musician, i look forward to the day where i can go all out again, especially once my day trade money gets more consistent.

I appreciate being around women, looking forward to the day where i can finally enjoy relationships again.

Sometimes i think about what if i dont get right, but why think like that? I’m not even giving myself the chance. And God forbid thats the case, we’ll deal with it if i get there. However i truly do think i can make this right.

Like i said, its awful being in this condition, all of you here can relate. But instead of forcing today to be the day im better, i work towards my better tomorrow. I’ll make sure my future self has a great foundation to return to so he can take off and run, instead of sitting and waiting unitl im better THEN picking up from there.

Like i said, i have no idea when things will work the way they’re supposed to, but i have to believe that it can be achieved and ill make sure i do everything in my power to conceive this goal into a reality.

I just need to do my part to ensure that this happens sooner rather than later.

See you next week guys.

1 Like
129

TRT RTR (Road To Recovery) Log Week 10

Sup guys,

I’m currently in my car about to do leg day and I’m pretty tired

Feeling a bit similar to how I was when off test more or less.

Idk if e2 is high, if t3 or iron could be an issue or I 100mg weekly is too little.

The worst part is I have to wait out this protocol until the last week in October, get bloods and then switch up from there.

I’m not feeling rested even though I’ve slept for 7 hours last night, my energy is not there.

Not waking up with morning wood really, a slight chub at most.

Obviously I’d love to increase the test or do something, but I have no choice but to exercise patience.

I’m on week 4, shot number 7 of my 100mg test cyp only protocol starting tomorrow, hopefully I get a little boost as I enter day 22.

Alright guys, about to go trudge through this workout, I’ll update next week.

130

Around week 4 your natural production ceases and you are left with only the exogenous T you’re injecting. You’ll feel not ideal for about the next 2-3 weeks and then things will start to get better. Once you see where 100mg gets you then you can increase and start finding the optimal dose for you. Keep in mind even dosage changes can give you a month or two of worse before better. For me it’s 8 weeks of feeling not great until I feel great. Good luck

131

Well I’m almost 6 months on trt but I know what you mean.

My body, as it’s adjusting, will most likely feel worse before it gets better.

Just waiting for those week 6 bloods so I can see what’s going on and where I’m at.

I’ll give it till week 9 before I change anything, provided blood work doesn’t need indicate another problem like t3 or similar.

132

I guess I misunderstood where you said you’re on week 4 of T cyp. Regardless it’s the same thing. When changing doses, injection frequency, etc I personally will feel less than ideal for a period of 6-8 weeks and then start feeling better than before. Keep that in mind because even though I know it takes me 8 weeks I’m still trying to talk myself into changing shit too soon during that time. It’s a mind fuck.

133

Agreed.

I had to throw out all my AI’s for this very reason.

By now i would’ve popped one hopping to feel better, with no change most likely. starting back at week 1.

However something more than testosterone has to be off, i always believed that. There’s no reason why i could cycle a few years back and feel great, only to do trt to feel less than ideal.

I feel pretty damn drained. I once again got 7-8 hours of sleep and felt no better, nothing after my test shot either. Are you sure i shouldnt up my test. I feel like im running on empty?

I’m more so staying at these levels so i can get consistent bloodwork overtime, but I dont know how i haven’t found an answer by now.

It’s discouraging to say the least but nothing to do but hold serve, we’ll see.

134

BTW when you say terrible, to what extent?

I’m TIRED, my libido is not there and my member is certainly lacking life.

Did you feel similar during your corrective period?

135

@darkdescartes
It took me for f-ing ever to get to where I felt better on TRT. I crashed my E2 using AI’s, I went to a super low dose and worked up really slowly until I got to where I felt great. It was a very long experience that I don’t ever want to do again. I had no energy, no libido and was miserable from 100-160mg and I gave each 20mg increase at least 8 weeks. Each time I changed I felt worse for 6-8 weeks. At 185mg is where I felt good.

136

How did you know it was a matter of just dialing in as opposed to something else going on?

How were you able to trust the process this much?

And honestly i needed this, it gives me a little hope and some more motivation to stick this out.

137

I did a couple small dose steroid cycles in my early 20’s around 200mg and I remember feeling better than I did on heroin and other drugs. I have been on at least 5 different antidepressants (when I was younger) of which some worked a little but not long term. When I got my T tested 3 years ago and it said 575 I couldn’t believe it. The doc put me on TRT anyway. Best decision I ever made. It doesn’t make everything better but it does make a lot of things better.

138

Besides the antidepressants this sounds pretty identical to me.

Couple of steroid cycles except mine was 500mg per week and when i first got tested after finally deciding i needed help my test was 528.

However when you started trt did you feel good right away and then have it taper off too?

139

I crashed my E2 on day one using a 1mg anastrozole so I don’t know if I would have felt better in the beginning for a short time. Even on TRT I had issues and found out I was anemic and had to supplement iron and b12 which had a major impact. Even though my b12 was mid-range supplementing has made a major difference. Sublingual methylcobalamin not b12 pills.

140

TRT RTR (Road To Recovery) Log Week 11

Well i dont feel AS terrible as i did the last few days but i dont exactly feel great either.

Honestly I’m kinda feeling hopeless, idk if ill ever recover.

In relation to other people and especially certain friends, i haven’t done much, yet i suffer the most.

I’m just mentally exhausted, i go through every day keeping a smile on, saying i feel great. I’m currently a server, i have plenty of great conversations with people, especially with attractive women, yet i cant enjoy any of it.

I’ve grown up with a mentally and physically abusive mother and you could imagine how much that obliterated my self esteem.

I met the wrong guy at the wrong time in my life. i went to a supplement shop in my town, looking to get big and first getting introduced to prohormones, specifically superdrol for the first time.

Once i read about it, I tried to return it, only for him to convince me to keep it, most likely to keep the sale and then says to come back and he’ll give me recovery products. Mean while they were just lame test boosters and supplements; least he could’ve done is tell me to get clomid/nolva along with it.

I’ve lived with low t symptoms as a result through out my early 20s but at least i had good erectile function. I didn’t even realize how poor my quality of life was.

Funny thing is there couldve been a time where i took trt and felt amazing and ride off into the sunset. But i remember the day everything took a deleterious turn.

March of 2016 after getting off my last test cycle, 3 months off everything and still not feeling right, i hopped on ostarine. I didnt wanna cycle anymore and i was losing gains and not feeling great at all, i was hoping that ostarine could help, especially since its considered a nice pct product as well.

A week in i remember whatever life my penis had was gone, it dropped and dangled all limp like.

I didn’t think too much about it at the time, i was going to let my body correct itself, but that was the beginning of being where i am today.

Test doesn’t give me that great feeling anymore, and I KNOW i’m clinical hypothyroid, but i haven’t found that reason for my low t3 and sites say that im not supposed to supplement with thyroid hormones and find the root cause.

I’ve lived an extremely difficult 26 years of life. I’ve had small pockets of joy here and there, but have always been unhappy for my entire life.

I know you guys, on this forum or any, dont have the immediate answers, if there are any at all, It also doesnt help when you read other peoples stories. Sometimes youre happy youre not them, other times you see stories where people say their bloodmarkers are perfect but never found their libido.

I never got to enjoy life as both a physically and mentally top notch human being. I have great friends, great opportunites for success, im attractive but none of it matters living like this.

I just dont know where to turn or what to do. All i can do is wait, but for what exactly?

I’ve researched pretty much everything in relation to low t3, i keep searching for something that i may not be considering, but i dont know if thats the case.

This is more of a rant than anything. I’m just beyond frustrated and dont know if better days will be ahead. Dont know if life is worth it like this. I’ve worked SO FUCKING HARD on myself since i was a teen and to go through all that suffering only to be introduced to an entire life full of suboptimal self, doesnt exactly sound like something i want to go through.

Oh well, the battle isnt over yet. Maybe 1 day things will change and should that day come where i do decide to end it all, i at least want to know i gave it all the time i could as well as 110%

I’ll catch yall next week.

141

@darkdescartes
What’s your current protocol and what have you tried so far?