[quote]tsantos wrote:
No idea how to break things off without this coming up, especially as we have decided to move in together. I also feel almost obligated to tell the friend about C.[/quote]
[quote]tsantos wrote:
I recently found out my current partner:
A) Cheated on a boyfriend
B) Slept with a guy in a relationship who was close to becoming a father
C) Slept with her very close friend’s boyfriend - they are still friends and she doesn’t know. Bf is out of the picture.
A I can deal with.
B I know is not her call but there is something so vulnerable about a woman close to child birth that I find it very hard to rationalize anyone being a part of it (and she was aware of the partner)
C is an out and out dog’s act I can’t accept.
None of these impact me other than they could be seen as a red flag on what she might do. Yet any feelings I had towards her were nullified as soon as I found out.
Weird part is this behavior is so far removed from who she presents.
No idea how to break things off without this coming up, especially as we have decided to move in together. I also feel almost obligated to tell the friend about C.[/quote]
Just be truthful about it.
A)let her know you decided to check up on her because you agreed to move in together. Establish that you think it’s a rational thing for anyone to do, try to get her to agree that it is.
B)let her know you found some things out about her, and you don’t trust her.
C)she may want to know what you found out, she may not. If she asks be honest about what you found out without ratting on anyone and let her give her side of the story. People change, if she takes no responsibility for her actions, run the fuck away. If she seems like she wants to change, maybe you should make a condition that she confesses to her friend? I’d still not move in with her though. It would take some time to build trust all over again.
Have to ask yourself, if you are willing to put her through all those hoops, and she is willing to jump through them and seek your approval you are already invested in one another. It’s a lot for a cheat to go through confessing… Likely it wont happen, you both have to be willing to deal with some serious bullshit.
[quote]tsantos wrote:
No idea how to break things off without this coming up, especially as we have decided to move in together. I also feel almost obligated to tell the friend about C.[/quote]
If it’s over for you, let her know and let her know why and set a firm boundary. Regarding letting her friend know about what she may or may not have done (where you there?) it’s best not to meddle in the affairs of other people. Unless you have pictures. Other than that, it’s just he said, she said. Also, it’s none of your business. People should mind their own business. When you stick your nose into other people’s business, bad things have been known to happen. Best to avoid that scene altogether.
You don’t think that lady should be able to give her side of the story? Before you judge someone I thought it was always good to get the accused persons side of the story. Top it off he’s close enough with her to consider moving in with her, I think he deserves to hear her out and learn from it.
[quote]theBeth wrote:
…when you found out someone you had been with for at least a year was cheating on you? Has this happened to anyone? How did you deal with the situation? Did you confront them?[/quote]
If I was positive it happened, then trust is destroyed, so I am finished.
It happened to me once and I walked away, because in MOST cases “once a cheater, always a cheater” tends to hold true.
However, I am not, nor have I ever been, married. I understand that when marriage is involved it might not be as cut-and-dried as simply throwing up your hands and walking away, so I completely sympathize with those who want to make things work, and I do believe that some couples have successfully done so with no further infidelity issues. Hence, I don’t believe a universally right answer exists to the question. Your mileage may vary.
[quote]Severiano wrote:
You don’t think that lady should be able to give her side of the story? Before you judge someone I thought it was always good to get the accused persons side of the story. Top it off he’s close enough with her to consider moving in with her, I think he deserves to hear her out and learn from it. [/quote]
No, because you will never get the truth out of her.
Once, might be a jealous competitor, three times smells like a cheeta…
They can run faster than the truth if the need arises…
How does one even find a thread that’s been idle this long and then respond as though the last post were yesterday? Not that this one is the worst example
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
[quote]tsantos wrote:
No idea how to break things off without this coming up, especially as we have decided to move in together. I also feel almost obligated to tell the friend about C.[/quote]
If it’s over for you, let her know and let her know why and set a firm boundary. Regarding letting her friend know about what she may or may not have done (where you there?) it’s best not to meddle in the affairs of other people. Unless you have pictures. Other than that, it’s just he said, she said. Also, it’s none of your business. People should mind their own business. When you stick your nose into other people’s business, bad things have been known to happen. Best to avoid that scene altogether.
[/quote]
Completely agree with all of this.
I fully believe now that cheaters cheat, period. Personally, I’ll never reconcile with one again.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I fully believe now that cheaters cheat, period.
[/quote]
As a reformed man-whore, I disagree.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I fully believe now that cheaters cheat, period. Personally, I’ll never reconcile with one again.
[/quote]
Agreed.
Have a little pride and back bone cause there is no point in getting back with a cheat unless you have a family on the line.
[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I fully believe now that cheaters cheat, period.
[/quote]
As a reformed man-whore, I disagree.[/quote]
x2
Time, maturity and individual circumstances play a large part in a persons decisions.
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
Also, it’s none of your business. People should mind their own business. When you stick your nose into other people’s business, bad things have been known to happen. Best to avoid that scene altogether.
[/quote]
I take the position that if it was me, I’d like to know.
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
[quote]tsantos wrote:
No idea how to break things off without this coming up, especially as we have decided to move in together. I also feel almost obligated to tell the friend about C.[/quote]
If it’s over for you, let her know and let her know why and set a firm boundary. Regarding letting her friend know about what she may or may not have done (where you there?) it’s best not to meddle in the affairs of other people. Unless you have pictures. Other than that, it’s just he said, she said. Also, it’s none of your business. People should mind their own business. When you stick your nose into other people’s business, bad things have been known to happen. Best to avoid that scene altogether.
[/quote]
Here is your answer.
[quote]Stinkfist wrote:
[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I fully believe now that cheaters cheat, period.
[/quote]
As a reformed man-whore, I disagree.[/quote]
x2
Time, maturity and individual circumstances play a large part in a persons decisions.[/quote]
And not having PTSD
[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I fully believe now that cheaters cheat, period.
[/quote]
As a reformed man-whore, I disagree.[/quote]
Haha I also disagree with EQ, and I’m not betting against you or anything, but Ruff, lets face it, you’ve got a while to go before you can declare yourself reformed.
[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]Severiano wrote:
You don’t think that lady should be able to give her side of the story? Before you judge someone I thought it was always good to get the accused persons side of the story. Top it off he’s close enough with her to consider moving in with her, I think he deserves to hear her out and learn from it. [/quote]
No, because you will never get the truth out of her.
Once, might be a jealous competitor, three times smells like a cheeta…
They can run faster than the truth if the need arises…[/quote]
You would walk out on a woman you were going to move in with, without even hearing her out?
I’m saying he should hear her out because he can learn from it.
If she doesn’t want to give her side, then she’s a shitbag and he will learn from that.
If she gives her side of the story but takes no responsibility he will see it.
If she gives her side of the story and takes responsibility, and vows to change he can actually track her progress of it.
Who knows? Maybe there’s some side of the story where someone else, a jealous ex is planting ideas around to try and ruin things?
Just seems like he should hear her out rather than move on without ever really knowing the real truth.
I experienced something where I was accused of sleeping with someone I didn’t sleep with. I was greeted with a fist to the face by a long time friend because someone lied about me and used his jealousy to her advantage. Jealous guys are capable of the same thing… He might want to at least hear her side of the story.
[quote]on edge wrote:
[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I fully believe now that cheaters cheat, period.
[/quote]
As a reformed man-whore, I disagree.[/quote]
Haha I also disagree with EQ, and I’m not betting against you or anything, but Ruff, lets face it, you’ve got a while to go before you can declare yourself reformed.
[/quote]
Following OE around this morning, agreeing. (Though I don’t agree about the not agreeing with me part, lol.)
I think we also need to differentiate between a one-time cheater who realizes the error of his or her ways and a chronic cheat. The latter lacks either honor or self-control. Either way, not a good long term prospect.
Assuming the A, B, and C of the OP are known rather than speculated or rumors, she is a chronic cheat as well as a very poor friend and not worth having. In my opinion. That being the case, what is there to discuss?
I think age has a lot to do with whether one would cheat again. If they were 20 at the time then they were still a child and have many years yet to grow, mature, and change for the better. If they were 30+ then they were probably as mature as they were ever going to get and I wouldn’t bet on any changes for the better.
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]Stinkfist wrote:
[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I fully believe now that cheaters cheat, period.
[/quote]
As a reformed man-whore, I disagree.[/quote]
x2
Time, maturity and individual circumstances play a large part in a persons decisions.[/quote]
And not having PTSD[/quote]
Never officially diagnosed.
Of course, due to warnings by my CO re: Obama plan to disarm vets, I lied all the way through my psych exam, but with just enough true emotions to not to sound like a sociopath who enjoying killing.
[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I fully believe now that cheaters cheat, period.
[/quote]
As a reformed man-whore, I disagree.[/quote]
Hey Ruffie, you know I am a fan of yours, but in regards to your statement above, do you mind if I ask you how long you have been reformed? and, are you in a committed relationship now?
again, not trying to be a dick, just am heading towards a point, with your help and permission, that is~