I’ll try not to bore you with my life story but some background. In HS I was kind of an antisocial misfit. Afterward I worked a year and saved up money then started college. I decided to change things around then. I worked close to the school (first at a deli, later bouncing from a popular bar) and played on the rugby team. Things did pick up somewhat.
Most weekends I had some party or something to go to and though I didn’t have a steady girlfriend I could usually get phone numbers or a date when I’d go out.
Since graduating in May '07 I moved back to the DC area. I’ve been busy working and taking night classes because I needed more credits to take licensing exams. Haven’t been able to go out frequently due to time and money, and when I do I usually end up drinking on my own (I’m usually withdrawn unless I already know people well.)
I have a friend from Highschool I hang out with here and there but other that still don’t really know anybody. No dates since college besides a couple drunken one night stands. I’m content enough with my humdrum life but I feel self-loathing sometimes as I know most people look down on loners.
In addition watching TV alone on a Friday night gets old fast. I think to change things around I would need to be alot more outgoing or extroverted, but worry that at 24 years old it would take a monumental effort to make my personality do some kind of 180 degree turn and at this point feel kind of jaded and unmotivated.
Anyway, long story short, I don’t say this for sympathy. I know this place is not for that. I like the general no-BS attitude here, so I am just trying to see if anyone has been in a similar situation and what they did about it.
Yes, it can be done. Yes, it’s a monumental effort.
Watch people who are good with other people. If you can, hang out with them. It rubs off, and you’ll see how to interact with people.
Sometimes its just a matter of asking questions. Every motherfucker on the planet wants to talk about themselves.
Going out and getting drunk, as much as I love it, is not really the place to “meet” people. If you’re looking for friends, look to places where you go where you share an interest, i.e. the gym, work, etc. Take classes on something you’ve always wanted to do- martial arts, woodcarving, yoga, some shit like that. It’s through stuff like that that you’ll come to know people that are worth knowing.
Join a rugby team … you said you played in college … google it man … see if there are any club teams around you. You have to get on that shit, man.
I had to do that recently as I just moved back up to Massachusetts. I knew I didn’t want to hang out with my old friends from high school as they’re stuck in a perpetual state of adolescence (nttawt) and it’s not really my cup o tea.
So I hopped on trusty ole google and got in touch with a club team that practices about an hour away and went out and joined … it’s been fun ever since … basically, you gotta find what you wanna do and make friends with similar interests through those activities … it opens doors that you never knew were there
As an extreme introvert myself, I’ll advise you to not try to change who you are. I was fairly unhappy in high school because I wanted to be one of those bubbly outgoing fun girls. Because I’m not, when I tried to be this person, I looked like a retard. Now I live alone with my cats. j/k.
An introvert is a person who needs to be alone a certain amount of time to recharge. I need more than most. An extrovert is a person that gets their energy from being with people. I find it draining.
This isn’t to say you are anti-social. Find things you like to do and do them, to some degree with other people. I trained with a powerlifting club for quite a while and that filled a lot of my social needs. I don’t like to be out with people all the time. I’m content to be home and read in the bath tub.
It took many years to not give a shit but once I learned to do that, things were much happier. Just don’t try to change fundamental aspects of yourself. It never works and you will never be happy.
Edit: I also find it irritating that people think there is something fundamental wrong with being introverted and we should strive to change.
I’m pretty introverted myself, and I know what you mean. When I graduated college I moved to a new town and didn’t really know anybody, but for me it was easy because I went to grad school and met people there.
I often prefer my own company, and don’t lead that active a social life, but I do have some buddies. Try to read some books or go out and walk around if you get bored on Friday nights. I have several hobbies that work well with a more solitary lifestyle. I like fishing and working out. I’m also a moped enthusiast and going on rides is a fun thing for me.
I agree with you, when I’m single I find myself going out a lot more, but I do that less since I have a girl right now.
One thing made me more social was actually quitting drinking. I got better at having a wild time and being myself without needing to get a buzz first. This also helps you better identify what social functions are worth your time. (Note, I’m not trying to bash on drinkers here. I personally have a drinking problem and found it to be a detriment to my personal life, but I realize that this is not the case for everyone.)
[quote]polo77j wrote:
Join a rugby team … you said you played in college … google it man … see if there are any club teams around you. You have to get on that shit, man.
I had to do that recently as I just moved back up to Massachusetts. I knew I didn’t want to hang out with my old friends from high school as they’re stuck in a perpetual state of adolescence (nttawt) and it’s not really my cup o tea.
So I hopped on trusty ole google and got in touch with a club team that practices about an hour away and went out and joined … it’s been fun ever since … basically, you gotta find what you wanna do and make friends with similar interests through those activities … it opens doors that you never knew were there[/quote]
Where do you play? I just moved out to Cambridge to go to grad school but I never heard back from the school club. What’s the level of play like? I’ve only played about a semester of the sport, but I had a blast and would love to continue to develop as a player.
[quote]ouroboro_s wrote:
As an extreme introvert myself, I’ll advise you to not try to change who you are. I was fairly unhappy in high school because I wanted to be one of those bubbly outgoing fun girls. Because I’m not, when I tried to be this person, I looked like a retard. Now I live alone with my cats. j/k.
An introvert is a person who needs to be alone a certain amount of time to recharge. I need more than most. An extrovert is a person that gets their energy from being with people. I find it draining.
This isn’t to say you are anti-social. Find things you like to do and do them, to some degree with other people. I trained with a powerlifting club for quite a while and that filled a lot of my social needs. I don’t like to be out with people all the time. I’m content to be home and read in the bath tub.
It took many years to not give a shit but once I learned to do that, things were much happier. Just don’t try to change fundamental aspects of yourself. It never works and you will never be happy.
Edit: I also find it irritating that people think there is something fundamental wrong with being introverted and we should strive to change.[/quote]
I know what you’re saying, and to an extent I agree. I don’t think that others think there’s something wrong with being an introvert- unless you’re a creepy kind of introvert, then people understand pretty well. But remember- you’re the one who said that you didn’t want to be like that. I don’t think that comes from anything other than yourself. it’s a strange kind of self-loathing that can occur, and people can either change it or learn to be comfortable with it.
I’ll never be someone who genuinely likes people, but there is something to be said for getting out and being around people. This is also coming from someone who hasn’t spent a weekend in the house in five years… I’m not someone who likes being alone, regardless of whether or not I like people.
I like the advice given so far, but I’ll add that maybe you don’t need to turn extroverted.
I consider myself an introvert, but not antisocial, if that makes sense. When I use the word ‘introvert’ I guess I mean two things 1) I’m hard to get to know because I don’t open up to people that quickly and 2) I recharge by being by myself. Not that large groups of people are stressful to me, per se, but it can be fatiguing. Moreso than watching tv, reading a book, cooking dinner, etc etc I have heard of a book, and intend to buy it next paycheck, entitled ‘The Introvert Advantage.’ My understanding is that it’s basically a book that talks about using your natural character traits to your advantage, rather than buying into this idea that being an extrovert is inherently ‘better’ or a faster path to success. I’m sure there are also tons of other books like that, or at least lookign at introversion/extroversion
Now I said I’m not antisocial, why? For the same reason I like the advice given, I meet people through stuff that interests me, which for me, is mostly the gym and my strongman competitions. So if you like rugby, go for it.
Yes it’s possible but takes a lot to do. Talking to people is a skill that CAN be learned with practice. And there’s no reason you shouldn’t try and improve that skill…I mean, the entire point of this site is to self-improve in another area of our lives, our physique. If where you’re at right now makes you unhappy, there are two options: live with it or try to change it.
Living with it isn’t always a bad option if you can re-evaluate what you want out of life. But in my opinion, making the leap and trying to make yourself more comfortable in social situations will make you happier in the long run.
I’m struggling with this myself, attempting to become more outgoing and friendly in everyday life. Mostly getting the courage to approach women randomly where there isn’t something obvious to start a conversation about.
There are a few ways of going about this, in my opinion - one is hard but produces better quicker results but is harder, the other produces slower results but is a lot easier to pull off.
The difficult path is to just flip the switch and start being friendly and talkative to everyone, all the time. Approach strangers randomly and initiate conversations, even if it’s about stupid shit like the weather. In this case you’ll have to deal with those people who don’t want to talk to you and might be rude, and get used to that rejection. However, you’ll make friends quick because of the sheer amount of people you talk to, eventually you will find someone who you have a lot in common with.
The easier but longer route in my opinion is to get involved in things which allow you to meet people, and slowly build up that base of friends which you can use to meet more friends which allow you to meet more friends.
Personality is genetic, including one’s degree of introversion/extroversion. Anyony can improve their social skills but you will never be a true extrovert. But keep in mind that even the most introverted people can be very gregarious in the company of people they’re comfortable with.
I am an introvert. I have learned how to engage people, make friends, be social, network, whatever - but it is exhausting. I will never enjoy socializing as much as I enjoy quiet time, and that is okay, it is who I am.
Learn how to talk to strangers, but don’t beat yourself up because you aren’t naturally extroverted. Those fuckers are annoying, anyway.
The difficult path is to just flip the switch and start being friendly and talkative to everyone, all the time. Approach strangers randomly and initiate conversations, even if it’s about stupid shit like the weather. In this case you’ll have to deal with those people who don’t want to talk to you and might be rude, and get used to that rejection. However, you’ll make friends quick because of the sheer amount of people you talk to, eventually you will find someone who you have a lot in common with.
[/quote]
See, I don’t know where you’re from, but that’s just creepy, and might get you in trouble in NJ.
Making conversation sitting at a bus stop is one thing, but hunting for friends everywhere is something that people can see… and it’s fuckin creepy.
I’m also not much for approaching women randomly. I mean, maybe, if you’re in line at the store and you got something to talk about, or if you’re at a bar and they’re sitting next to you. But just walking up to a broad who’s at Shoprite and starting to talk is another thing that, unless you’re very, very good at it, is just fuckin creepy.
[quote]FightinIrish26 wrote:
ouroboro_s wrote:
As an extreme introvert myself, I’ll advise you to not try to change who you are. I was fairly unhappy in high school because I wanted to be one of those bubbly outgoing fun girls. Because I’m not, when I tried to be this person, I looked like a retard. Now I live alone with my cats. j/k.
An introvert is a person who needs to be alone a certain amount of time to recharge. I need more than most. An extrovert is a person that gets their energy from being with people. I find it draining.
This isn’t to say you are anti-social. Find things you like to do and do them, to some degree with other people. I trained with a powerlifting club for quite a while and that filled a lot of my social needs. I don’t like to be out with people all the time. I’m content to be home and read in the bath tub.
It took many years to not give a shit but once I learned to do that, things were much happier. Just don’t try to change fundamental aspects of yourself. It never works and you will never be happy.
Edit: I also find it irritating that people think there is something fundamental wrong with being introverted and we should strive to change.
I know what you’re saying, and to an extent I agree. I don’t think that others think there’s something wrong with being an introvert- unless you’re a creepy kind of introvert, then people understand pretty well. But remember- you’re the one who said that you didn’t want to be like that. I don’t think that comes from anything other than yourself. it’s a strange kind of self-loathing that can occur, and people can either change it or learn to be comfortable with it.
I’ll never be someone who genuinely likes people, but there is something to be said for getting out and being around people. This is also coming from someone who hasn’t spent a weekend in the house in five years… I’m not someone who likes being alone, regardless of whether or not I like people.
[/quote]
I know this wasnt directed towards me, but I’ll jump in. I don’t think that insecurity is inherent in being an introvert. I think it’s very likely that what ouroboro was feeling was not coming from her, but was coming from the cultural norm that associates extroversion with being popular, well-liked, the life of the party etc. In general, society considers that the more of this (popular, well-liked, etc) you are, the better a person you are. Almost like it’s a competition to see who’s got the most friends, the highest Q rating, etc. There’s very little thought given to the question of quality vs quantity.
The other point is that I think people commonly mistake being anti-social for being introverted, and there’s a difference between being misanthropic and being introverted. It’s very possible I misunderstand what you mean, but when you write “I’ll never be someone who genuinely likes people, but there is something to be said for getting out and being around people” it seems to me that you’re saying “hey, I can be a little bit of an introvert too, but I overcome it” and I dont think that’s what being an introvert is, that, to me, is more misanthropic than anything else.
[quote]KBCThird wrote:
I consider myself an introvert, but not antisocial, if that makes sense. When I use the word ‘introvert’ I guess I mean two things 1) I’m hard to get to know because I don’t open up to people that quickly and 2) I recharge by being by myself. Not that large groups of people are stressful to me, per se, but it can be fatiguing. Moreso than watching tv, reading a book, cooking dinner, etc etc I have heard of a book, and intend to buy it next paycheck, entitled ‘The Introvert Advantage.’ My understanding is that it’s basically a book that talks about using your natural character traits to your advantage, rather than buying into this idea that being an extrovert is inherently ‘better’ or a faster path to success. I’m sure there are also tons of other books like that, or at least lookign at introversion/extroversion
[/quote]
Good call on introverted vs. antisocial. Also, that book sounds pretty neat. I think I’m going to check it out.
Thank you for the replies so far. I can relate to alot of what said- especially needing the alone time to recharge.
FI- I agree with you. I think most of my life I was the “creepy” quiet person. I’d like to think I’ve improved on that but I guess it’s always at the back of my mind.
To those who recommended a rugby club: The next year or so I will be busy studying for CPA exams. Is the time commitment for the teams high, I’m intrigued but time will be somewhat limited between work and exam preparation?
I’ve made friends with some other PL’ers at the gym but most are alot older and have families so they’re past the point in their life where they go out and whatnot.
Another thing I thought of doing was bouncing from this bar I like to go to sometimes on weekends, but would like to wait until I finish the exams and stuff.
nowakc: I tried the “flipping the switch” thing, as you call it, in college, but there it was so easy to meet other people. I guess the second option is probably more applicable. Thanks!
[quote]KBCThird wrote:
FightinIrish26 wrote:
ouroboro_s wrote:
As an extreme introvert myself, I’ll advise you to not try to change who you are. I was fairly unhappy in high school because I wanted to be one of those bubbly outgoing fun girls. Because I’m not, when I tried to be this person, I looked like a retard. Now I live alone with my cats. j/k.
An introvert is a person who needs to be alone a certain amount of time to recharge. I need more than most. An extrovert is a person that gets their energy from being with people. I find it draining.
This isn’t to say you are anti-social. Find things you like to do and do them, to some degree with other people. I trained with a powerlifting club for quite a while and that filled a lot of my social needs. I don’t like to be out with people all the time. I’m content to be home and read in the bath tub.
It took many years to not give a shit but once I learned to do that, things were much happier. Just don’t try to change fundamental aspects of yourself. It never works and you will never be happy.
Edit: I also find it irritating that people think there is something fundamental wrong with being introverted and we should strive to change.
I know what you’re saying, and to an extent I agree. I don’t think that others think there’s something wrong with being an introvert- unless you’re a creepy kind of introvert, then people understand pretty well. But remember- you’re the one who said that you didn’t want to be like that. I don’t think that comes from anything other than yourself. it’s a strange kind of self-loathing that can occur, and people can either change it or learn to be comfortable with it.
I’ll never be someone who genuinely likes people, but there is something to be said for getting out and being around people. This is also coming from someone who hasn’t spent a weekend in the house in five years… I’m not someone who likes being alone, regardless of whether or not I like people.
I know this wasnt directed towards me, but I’ll jump in. I don’t think that insecurity is inherent in being an introvert. I think it’s very likely that what ouroboro was feeling was not coming from her, but was coming from the cultural norm that associates extroversion with being popular, well-liked, the life of the party etc. In general, society considers that the more of this (popular, well-liked, etc) you are, the better a person you are. Almost like it’s a competition to see who’s got the most friends, the highest Q rating, etc. There’s very little thought given to the question of quality vs quantity.
[/quote]
I hear you. But I think it’s something natural in everyone, something that’s kind of born into us, that makes us like (obviously) extroverts. To wish that we could be like them isn’t something I think society pushes on us- I think it’s just the way things are. No society ever really rewards those that go about their business and don’t talk to anyone.
And, depending on the job you have, it can make life hard. If you’re a painter or a landscaper or something, than being an introvert is fine. You can get away with it. But I’m a journalist- if people don’t like you, they’re not going to call you back. They don’t want to deal with you, and they’re certainly not going to ever go out of their way to help you. I have to be a hustler or I don’t get paid.
Oh man I’m confused. That was one hell of a run on sentence. Are you calling me introverted or misanthropic? I’m probably a little of both. But I don’t know if you can be more outgoing by being a misanthrope than you would be if you were simply introverted. Is it possible to be a misanthrope but still have a shit ton of friends? I think I hate people as a whole, but individually they can be pretty decent. I start getting philosophical when it gets to this point.
The difficult path is to just flip the switch and start being friendly and talkative to everyone, all the time. Approach strangers randomly and initiate conversations, even if it’s about stupid shit like the weather. In this case you’ll have to deal with those people who don’t want to talk to you and might be rude, and get used to that rejection. However, you’ll make friends quick because of the sheer amount of people you talk to, eventually you will find someone who you have a lot in common with.
See, I don’t know where you’re from, but that’s just creepy, and might get you in trouble in NJ.
Making conversation sitting at a bus stop is one thing, but hunting for friends everywhere is something that people can see… and it’s fuckin creepy.
I’m also not much for approaching women randomly. I mean, maybe, if you’re in line at the store and you got something to talk about, or if you’re at a bar and they’re sitting next to you. But just walking up to a broad who’s at Shoprite and starting to talk is another thing that, unless you’re very, very good at it, is just fuckin creepy.[/quote]
Dude I don’t mean just running up to random people and asking them if they want to be your friend, or bothering people who look like they don’t want to be bothered. There are ways to be friendly to complete strangers without coming off desperate or weird. But yeah, you might come off a little creepy at first, but the idea is it’s something you can work on, and practice is the best way to work on it and the quickest way to get better at it in my opinion. You just have to be self-aware and not a retard who blames other people for why he’s unpopular.
And yeah, there is a difference between being introverted and being a little insecure with yourself socially. If you’re happy being introverted then don’t change it. If you’re sitting lonely and alone in a bar on a friday night because you’re scared to strike up a conversation with a stranger, that’s something you can work on and eventually become completely comfortable with.