[quote]pat wrote:
[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
About dominance - How about this scenario? This is from my BFF. She has taken a very pragmatic approach, and I think it’s fairly egalitarian. This is a marriage of about 10 years. She decided that, baring physical illness, she would never say no. Never. And her husband does the same for her. He never tells her no. I asked her how they decided on this strategy, and her reasons were that she noticed that sex becomes a point of contention in a lot of marriages, so she decided to try to avoid that in her own. Purely pragmatic. And funny, because there isn’t necessarily a lot of seduction going on. Either can just say, “You want to?” and the other person will say “Sure.” Now, it’s not entirely equal because her husband still initiates sex more often. Maybe you all can read that as he’s still dominant. He is dominant in a lot of other ways, so maybe his need to dominate is met. Does this scenario work for you guys?
As an aside, I asked her what she thought about relationships where the woman initiates sex most often, or nearly all the time. She said she thinks that usually happens as a result of the man being rejected enough so he stops trying, and takes the “Getting rejected is not working, so I guess she can ask me approach.” I’ve only seen that in one other friend, but I had to agree. In that situation, the man got turned down nearly all the time, so he finally just stopped asking. And so sex slowed down for them to about once or twice a month, when she would finally ask him. Not sexless, but less than ideal for most people. Recently, this friend told me that her husband pulled her aside one day and said something like “We’re in our forties now, and we’ve missed out on a lot of good times. Those years are gone, and we can never get them back. Part of me really resents you. It could have been a lot better.” OUCH - Not something you want your life partner to say to you. As in “Hey, you are my person. I trusted you to want to be with me, and to meet these basic emotional/ physical needs, and it could have made US a lot better and you blew it.”
EDIT: I think I’ve run out of good stories, and am at the end of my insight on this topic. I’m a school psychologist, not a Marriage counselor :). Soo, not the expert, but I do think all the layers of this in terms of the bio-chemistry, as well as the ways different people handle intimacy in their long term relationships is interesting. Some open discussion can be good. I often learn something. Thanks everybody for such thoughtful and frank responses.
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This has been kind of a pet peeve of mine about women for a looong time. I hear them talk at parties with pride about how much they reject sex and how they are constantly wanted. For me it allowed me to develop an iron will. A took passive aggressive approach. If I heard this kind of shit, I would avoid sex like the plague. I figured if it’s such a hassle, fuck it. Far be it from me to be a hassle. Don’t like sex? Fine we won’t have it. No biggie. So next time you talk to your friends you can tell them that you haven’t been bothered and life is good.
If girls don’t like sex so much, why don’t they just stay virgins? They talk like it’s annoying and such a pain. Nobody is forcing you.
One thing I realized is that girls take it waaay more personal if you turn them down for sex than the opposite. Well, if you don’t want to be turned down, then don’t complain that people want to fuck you. I don’t like a challenge, it doesn’t turn me on, it doesn’t make me try harder, it does nothing but piss me off. I will never give chase. Life’s to short for that.
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Pat, I was talking about two very different situations here. I’m not defending the person in paragraph B, quite the opposite. That situation is pretty sad. A cautionary tale. And I agree - Life is short, and I don’t think most people want to look back on their sex life and say “It was kind of mediocre”, or worse.
I don’t think I implied that the woman in the first paragraph is any of the things you mentioned. She and her husband are fairly well matched. Nobody responded to that first situation, but I see it as quite a lot like the On Edge family approach. Not a schedule, but another way to keep sex from being a battle of the sexes type of deal. Even if one of you is not really in the mood at first, you can recognize that afterward, you’re always glad you did. And you kind of assume rejection is for the poor suckers in the single scene, and once you are married it’s kind of a sure thing.
About me living in Austria. I think you are confused about how trolling works. Not only is Orion a chick, but he has been married for 22 years, lives in California, and has never smoked anything.
