So, a duck walks into a bar. He sits down, stares the bartender in the eye and orders a drink.
The bartender responds, “Holy Shit, a talking duck!”
You think that’s bad? The other day I was in traffic so long that I missed an appointment, and when I got to my destination I had to pee on a bush.
How do you get 10 irishmen on your roof?
Ask them nicely for help with tiling your roof.
What do you get when you a throw a penny between two Jews?
Two fine people to offer you back your penny.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Are you alright ma’am? Is there anything I can help you with?
Whats worse than finding a fly in your soup?
The Holocaust.
A squirrel ran in front of my car and I ran over it. I looked in my mirror and it was only crushed from the hips back.
The car behind me finished it off.
how do you make a mime scream?
break his kneecaps.
[quote]LiveFromThe781 wrote:
TYR wrote:
To continue on the MJ thread:
What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong walks on the moon.
Michael Jackson fucks little kids.
false.
michael jackson also walks on the moon.[/quote]
I think people are supposed to think that the joke will end “Michael jackson does the moon walk!” and you’re supposed to get zinged by the molesting children part.
Here’s mine:
My ex-wife was so fat that her sister worked for the phone company!
So, this guy walks into a bar
and learns a very valuable lesson about looking where he is going.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A Pilot
Aw jeez…looks like this thread’s dead.
I wanted more.
happy to oblige. ^
How do you recognize the bride at a Polish wedding?
She will be wearing a white wedding dress, and possibly holding some flowers.
A guy was golfing one day and ran across an unusual lamp on the green. When he picked it up and rubbed it, a genie popped out and told the man he would grant him three wishes. The man wished for world peace, an end to starvation and the annihilation of poverty.
How do you drown a blonde?
Immerse her in water until she’s dead.
One day in class, little Joey was asked to locate China on the classroom globe.
He pointed to Liberia, and his teacher, Mrs. Mulcahy, cried herself to sleep that night over her failure to teach Joey basic geography.
Great!
I remembered one:
My high-school was so small the yearbook was shaped like a canoe.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.
John: Did you hear about what happened at work today?
Ray: Confused expression
John: Oh thats right your deaf…never mind
A man walks into a bar. Several hours later he woke up in hospital with severe concussion.
That deaf one is great!
I’ve told lots of these at work. They’re really fun to tell live, as opposed to just sending them in an e-mail.
[quote]miroku333 wrote:
How do you drown a blonde?
Immerse her in water until she’s dead.
[/quote]
FTW. My favorite so far I think.
How does a blonde get to work in the morning?
She takes her car.
Steven was having Tuesday night sex with his wife Marline when upon climax, he managed to literally drown her in semen.
She died Tuesday at 8pm and memorial services will be held this Saturday.
During her 5th birthday party, little Joanne Lee began to vomit and cough up huge bubbles that floated around the room and amused the other children.
“Damn”, her mother thought quietly to herself. “I’ve got to remember which bottle is bleach and which one is bubble bath”.