Yes because my reference point has changed. I know What I look like leaner so this gain feels like a regression whereas in middle school, I disliked how I looked but it wasn’t a loss, just a crappy starting point
Academically, getting into grad school of choice
Fitness wise: being strong and lean, like you. I understand this requires a period of being not lean, but I don’t feel like I’m getting much stronger either. My squat sucks now
It was great for about two months…. I think it’s back out of whack now despite getting fatter. I missed my period July. Could be academic stress though. I spent Mid May to June grinding thesis and GRE, then straight into 10week research programme while simultaneously working on a separate project and studying real analysis
Also shitty sleep bc there was no air con and the pillow fucked with my neck
In absolute weight or also in proportion to bodyweight?
I’ll wait another week to see if the extra weight is actually water or if I’m at a new equilibrium. If the weight sticks, then I’m going to see the dietitian to help drop it. If not, I’ll accept a slow creep up to 110 then drop down second semester for testing
I agree. I haven’t been as involved as many on here; She reminds me of my own kids, in a way, so it’s difficult to see and I obviously don’t know how to help.
Whether or not this is the best decision, I certainly see some of me in you. As I’ve said many times, thank God I didn’t have the Internet when I was your age - it is its own stressor.
@anna_5588, you’re a very intelligent and hard-working person and I understand the burden of your own expectations. For better and for worse, that won’t change for your entire life. It will be the source of your success and the driver of your destruction. Like a fire, you’re going to have to learn mechanisms to control it so you only burn what you intend.
Sorry for the poetry, but you’ve certainly heard very similar practical advice across the board. I think I started doing better in my own head when I stopped trying to figure out why I am the way I am, or, much worse, try to “fix” it. I just accepted that my brain will always err toward certain things; that mentality better enables me to recognize what should be “warnings”. I then get to choose whether I want to heed them or not, but the first step is acknowledgement. It’s also freed me to not ask advice I know in advance I won’t listen to - that puts the outcomes back on me, which is a blessing because everything at least becomes a lesson learned.
I understand. Hearing this brings me a significant degree of sadness. With it, as well, a feeling of powerlessness. I’m going to have to decide my own way forward in that regard.
You’re able to squat 5x10 at over double bodyweight even after dealing with previous injuries and doing a shite tonne of work leading up to it+ you have insane conditioning.
I can barely squat double bodyweight for 1 peaked and after a deload
I don’t feel comfortable opening up. The last therapist I had dismissed my feelings somewhat. She didn’t understand why lifting mattered so much to me. She never exercised herself
Fundamentally, I got screwed over by school guidance counselours and therapists since elementary school. They were used to try to justify setting me back, or getting me kicked out and such
This is a matter of finding the right therapist, imo. It’s definitely taken me a few tries and I still struggle with opening up, to them or anyone else. It’s also miserably hard to find a therapist (especially in a smaller city) who meets a specific set of criteria and accepts your insurance.
No specific advice, just keep fighting the good fight.
I don’t know for sure, but I feel pretty confident that my counselor, John, hadn’t ever lifted a weight in his life. But he was willing to accept that I did, that doing so was important to me, that I had physique goals, and that eating was big part of all that.
Not only did he accept these facts, he was WILLING and ABLE to work within that framework—MY framework—to help me recognize, understand, and, ultimately, overcome my disordered eating habits. Not once did he suggest my goals where somehow unworthy of my time and energy.
FWIW, a phrase we used time and again was, “at what cost?” We worked to frame all of my goals—fitness-related and otherwise—in a way that fit my life circumstances, typically by saying, “Okay, cool. But at what cost?”
Maybe that’d be helpful to you somehow. It’s a question I still find myself asking frequently, despite not having talked with John in nearly 18 months.
Not trying to be overly critical (I am writing this after reading the below) but like everyone else this is coming from a place of care and hurt seeing you being unhappy)
Have these 5 days not been a deload and with less activity?
Is there a reason you for the timing? I’m not going to say it’s an attempt to self sabotage by eating more while less active, gaining weight and then justifying not eating more any longer but the timing of eating more during a deload does not make sense considering you do not want to gain excess weight at all.
This renders a therapist helpless certainly if you are a smart person, you could run rings around them and just waste time.
I view myself as being pretty smart (not in a cocky way) and had to see a therapist when I tried to kill myself years ago and had no trust or want to see this woman . The thing with me being smart is I knew what the therapist was looking for, how to present signs to have her come to the conclusions I wanted, have the conversation steer where I wanted it to and avoid all of my actual issues. I managed to get her to sign off on me not being a threat to myself. I still struggle with issues I regret not letting her help me with and struggled with suicidal ideologies for 12 months + after she signed off.
To play devil’s advocate to this woman. This thread is full of people who exercise who don’t really understand why lifting matters to you or why your goals are your goals.
You do also have the habit of brushing over people’s questions about that so perhaps you not feeling comfortable to opening up may be a reason why she didn’t understand. Or her not understanding was maybe her digging deeper to find out why it really matters to you.
Again not to give more self hand perspective but when I quit boxing due to having health complications I felt lost, it meant everything to me and no one understood why. The thing is I hated it for a while the whole process of training, fighting, cutting weight and when I had to give an answer as to why it was so important to me the answer was it wasn’t. It was just something I used as my identity.
Why is lifting so happy to you? It does not seem to be making you happy or improving your life?
This is what a good therapist does. But he was only able to do that because he was allowed to do that by having a co-operative and transparent client.
I’m not actually working out less. I’m just not lifting as heavy
I ate more because I felt really fed up and had more access to food. Sometimes it felt like I didn’t have too much control. I saw food and ate it. The loss of discipline is part of the stress