Oh, random update:
Econ friend, the slightly creepy one, invited me to make pancakes at his place on Saturday morning.
Should I go?
It seems kind of weird considering that he has a GF, but my little bro often does this kind of thing with his friends
Any man who invites a woman to their place has an ulterior motive.
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not necessarily.
My little bro does a lot of what he does and has no ulterior motives.
THe “problem” I have with him is that he doesn’t seem genuine. I get this a LOT from ppl in finance.
Since you can’t read your little bro’s mind, you have no idea what his ulterior motives actually are.
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No. Don’t go.
99.9% of guys (especially ones who have girlfriends) do not invite girls over to their house to make pancakes on a weekend morning with no ulterior motive.
Does his gf know he invited you? Is she okay with, or would she be? Will she also be present? I bet the answer to all of those is “no.”
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The fun part is that, even if the answer to all these were yes, you still shouldn’t go because the ulterior motives can still exist.
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If it’s a creepy dude with a bad vibe, then don’t go.
But what the hell guys? Your statements are a bit shocking.
I do stuff like that a lot with my female friends (the majority of my friends is female these days, I think) and I don’t think about having sex with them while we have a beer or enjoy breakfast together.
I don’t think a single one of my friends ever had to ask themselves if it was safe to meet me in my apartment though. That’s what I mean with “vibe”.
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I’m assuming/hoping it’s a cultural thing.
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I’m exaggerating for my own entertainment, particularly with the post I made to jshaving, since anna specified that he’s “creepy”.
But I do think it’s safe to assume that any guy of college age inviting a woman to his place to make pancakes would be happy if led to them getting closer with one another.
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Ah sorry, the humorous part was lost in translation with me in this instance then.
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There is a lot that goes into “vibes” and stuff. For example I get suspicious of people when they’re “too nice”.
The problem is that my perception is colored by my experience, and my experience for a big part of my life was with a bunch of animals, junkies, perverts, etc. Like, real ones, not “vibe” ones.
So when people are nice I think they’re working an angle. The really tricky part is that those same weirdos that shouldn’t be trusted are my comfort zone, and I’ve spent too much of my adult life suspicious of genuinely kind people and surrounding myself with complete assholes.
So I’m not saying throw caution to the wind or don’t trust your gut. Bring a friend. One of your sorority sisters. He might actually be a nice guy, or could be a creep, and you’ll be able to get a first hand second opinion.
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I get this feeling with a lot of finance/business ppl (like him)
Always schmoozing
He’s not creepy in a “he might rape me” way. He’s creepy in that he calls/ asks to hang out even though I don’t actually know him that well nor am/have I helped him with anything … and he actually has a girlfriend (unlike gym buddy)
Not saying your instincts are right or wrong, but “I haven’t helped him with anything” is the way you think about relationships, and I doubt it reflects how most people see things. He may just want to hang out with you. Sometimes that’s how people make friends.
Or yeah, he could also have other motivations. I would just encourage you to understand that most people do not see things through the same transactional filter that you do.
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Yeah that’s a whole big step beyond creepy or what I meant with bad vibe.
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If that was the general definition of creepy I’d been pegged as a creep numerous times.
As I’ve mentioned before, if you’re getting genuinely bad vibes then don’t waste the time or energy to see if it subsides. It’s hard to view that as worthwhile. However, if the thing I quoted is the only reason you peg him as creepy I encourage you to reflect on your usage of the word.
For instance, I’d behave that way without ulterior motives and I wouldn’t appreciate if people around me got told that I was creepy for it. Then I think there are more applicable terms.
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There’s a strange disingenuous air around business/finance ppl. Not a bad thing, just makes me wary.
You come off as genuine. IRL, I wouldn’t think you’re creepy, but I’d still be somewhat wary bc I’d be scared to offend you
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Yeah. One of the more difficult things that I’ve had to come to terms with in adulthood and more specifically in sobriety is that I’m a pretty decent person and that being pretty decent is of value in and of itself.
Back to my suspicions- Getting sober there were a few people that were very helpful. One guy in particular that is a highly accomplished professor, surgeon, MD, etc. He would call me up and see how I was doing, pick me up for a meeting, we would lift in his massive and very well equipped home gym, all kinds of good stuff.
I couldn’t get over the idea that I, a person of very little to no value, would be of any good interest to someone who was literally 3 echelon of social strata higher than my broke, stupid, barely sober ass. So I asked him what the deal was.
That’s when he sprung it on me. He was pretty sure that I was a good person. A tad cynical, but funny as fuck.
I was freaking gobsmacked. This must be like a “Dinner For Fools” type set up.
But it was true. Decent people are hard to come by. There was no big reveal. 20 some years later, I’ll probably be hanging out with him this Friday.
It can still be hard to accept sometimes.
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Before even saying (which I will below) I just want to mention it is unclear whether he has invited you as part of a group or invited just you.
Creepy may be the wrong word but NO DOUBT he is weird if he is inviting JUST YOU.
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If you flip the sentence to “This girl’s boyfriend keeps calling and asking to hang out alone with a girl who he does not really know and who is not helping him with anything and he just invited her to his place to make pancakes”… It becomes very apparent that something is not quite right
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He may have non sexual motives. Always possible that he is seeking help from you and is trying to build rapport
Now if he is inviting you as part of a group then that is a completely different story.
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If you flip the sentence to “This girl’s boyfriend keeps calling and inviting a girl who he does not really know and who is not helping him with anything, to hang out with the group and he just invited her to join the group to make pancakes”… Not so weird
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His motives could be pure if he is inviting you and other people. I once had an ex girlfriend who as soon as I got her into training boxing would get invited by school mates every weekend out of the blue… Months later we found out that they were worried about her due to her having constant bruising. Perhaps he just thinks you would benefit from being in the group
Either way regardless of if he is creepy or not, regardless of his intentions, regardless of anything anyone has written… You don’t appear like you want to go so don’t go.
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I already replied but I want to reiterate that I don’t trust him if his gf doesn’t know about this. I just think, as a guy in a relationship with a girl, that if I were to go hang out with another girl and didn’t tell my gf, she wouldn’t be super pleased. I’m not saying guys and girls can’t be friends, but I would just always be wary of someone trying to hang out with a person of the opposite gender when they are in a relationship. If their SO isn’t aware of/cool with it, I wouldn’t want to get involved.
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If I were single and invited a girl over to make pancakes, I can confidently say I’d be 100% interested in more than just pancakes.
If I did the same thing while in a relationship, my girlfriend would chop off my balls in the middle of the night.
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