@cyclonengineer@mnben87 After getting some advice from you guys and some very helpful CS peeps, I finally decided to ask my friend out. I sent an email that went like this:
I’m sorry for the extremely and likely unexpected message. I’ve though long and hard, and decided it would be most efficient if I told you outright.
I’ve liked you since about the third ERC meeting freshman year. I’m honoured that you’ve been such a good friend to me.
My question is: Do you like me? And the corollary being: will you go out with me?
Please understand that accepting will not require a significantly larger time commitment than our current contact. I want this arrangement for two reasons:
I would like an excuse to pick your brain about topics not school or research related. A significant portion of our current contact revolves talking about classes. Since we will not be taking classes together after this coming semester, I don’t want to lose private contact.
I am uncertainty averse. It would be nice to have an answer. Thinking about you has begun to influence my decision making- including choosing to take emerging markets despite it conflicting with lab meeting
If you reject, it’s okay. I’ll stop spamming you.
If you have made it this far, please respond with accept, reject or feel free to ask any clarifying questions.
… now waiting for a response (if he bothers to read it)… and hopefully it’s positive
Notes:
I forgot to promise that I wouldn’t publicize this info to our circles of contact to prevent embarassment on his part
The chances of him accepting are honestly pretty low. There are two other girls in ERC alone who are prettier and better people than me and both are in his major → more contact. I’m sure he knows plenty of other such girls
Maybe times have changed, and I don’t know what you or him are like socially, and I also don’t want to worry you but I think emailing someone to ask them out is a bit strange. I understand that it’s easier, especially since you’re worrying about rejection but a phone call is much more personal. You also don’t need to explain to someone why you want to spend time with them, it takes away from the fact that you like them. If he likes you, that’s what he cares about most. It reads like it could be a scene in Big Bang Theory. But again, I don’t know what he’s like so maybe this is the best method to ask HIM out.
It really doesn’t matter that there are other girls in his program and don’t tell yourself that they’re prettier, every one has different preferences. Hope it goes well. I bet your chances are much better than you think
It shows me that his priorities and values align with mine (before I started being irrational). It’s my fault for straying away from them.
Also, here’s where my “requirements” come in:
He fails two of them:
he doesn’t work out
he isn’t a foodie
If he’d accepted, I’d have been happy in the short term but compromising myself.
TBH, the “relationship” wouldn’t have changed much for us anyways. Now that I know his intentions, I’ll just stop complaining about being unproductive and sending food pics
His response seems very positive to me, in that he DOES seem similar to you, so good choice, but is not willing to compromise his goals/priorities. Unfortunate, but not a devastating response.
But in future you should never explain or apologize to someone for potentially wasting their time by liking them. It devalues the product you’re offering (you) unnecessarily. You’re a smart, kind, athletic, diligent, ambitious young woman. Know your value!
I’m not sad at all- the response is EXACTLY what I wanted tbh
I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t go out with anyone who didn’t fit my (nearly impossible) criteria specifically as a commitment device against getting into a relationship. He didn’t fit my criteria… and… trying to figure out his response changed my behaviour in ways that were far from productive
Yep! except he’s harder working and more accomplished.
Even though it sometimes makes me feel bad about myself, there’s research suggesting that peer influence is extremely powerful, so I make a point to hang out with ppl like him
This is one of the reasons I liked him in the first place- he knows his priorities and doesn’t compromise. I was the one compromising my values
I understand. I’m an introvert to the core. Not putting your approach down at all, just saying that where words fail its best to let nature take its course.
Thats usually in pretty close quarters. Wait till you’re hanging out like study buddies or something and hulk smash.
I’m hesitant to discuss anything sex-related with a young woman, but I’m just going to say that while this may currently be your thought process, and some people are just like that (and that’s okay if that’s you), you have spent much of your formative years with a severely damaged endocrine system. Should you ever find your hormones at normal, healthy levels, this may change drastically.
You should also consider that you’re looking for a guy who spends a lot of time in the gym and likes food, and that tends to go hand in hand with at least a decent level of testosterone. Finding a straight guy who’s into the gym and has no sex Drive, but is into you enough to date you, is no small feat.
that’s the point- less options = less temptation to get distracted…
well, my levels are basically normal and my attitude hasn’t changed
In the short term (at least), I don’t want him, or anyone, as a BF so we can do “typical” couple stuff. It’s more to have someone who I can talk to (mostly about research), share my stupid ideas, taste my food and occasionally provide favours (ie help pack/move).
More of a guarantee that I’ll have his time
In the future, I’m looking more for a semi- permenant co- author, or business partner/roommate. Tax benefits too
Even if he did accept, not much would change in the way we interacted with each other.
yes, which is why his response is perfect. He gave assurance that the dynamic won’t change.
Although, the “favours” part is kind of important in the future. My classmates who had BFs had a much easier time when moving. A couple of them even stayed with their partners in the short term. I’m lucky in that my parents had the resources and ability to provide assistance (paid a guy to help), but if they didn’t, I would have been screwed
I don’t really wanna get back into this circular argument, but you have a way of deflecting just about everything. You say you have no period, and have made posts about being on HRT at 19 years old, yet your levels are normal. No matter what it is - overexercise, undereating, sore neck, bad sleep, achey joints, a-fib, one functioning kidney - when someone asks you about your habits you seem to be doing every single thing by the book and perfectly, and your laundry list of health issues have just dropped out of the sky onto you. Again, you don’t strike me as the type to be deliberately untruthful, but there is some sort of deception going on here.
It’s also kind of not cool to try to date somebody while keeping it to yourself that you currently believe you will never want to be intimate. You don’t have to talk about sex to start a relationship, but when you’re asking dudes out, it’s not going to be pretty if one of them says yes and then realizes six months later that you didn’t want a relationship at all, but just a research and gym buddy.
100% Agree but going on the E-mail she sent I think she was just asking for a date and not more. But again 100% agree I do not see the point in dating if you know you will never want to be intimate…That’s friendship
@flappinit I’ve been off HRT for 1/2 year now. I think it’s a real improvement @hustlinghat93 Yes- I guess I do just want a glorified research and gym buddy, and in the future, a friend with (tax and business) benefits. The point is that if he were to get a real GF, he’d have less time to talk/hang out with me (he’s incredibly busy)+ there’ll be an awkward undertone (my problem). However, a small, vindictive part of me hopes he does get a real GF who’s much prettier than me (not a high bar btw) within the next 2 years. It’ll show me that he isn’t infallable. I have other friends to talk about research with and with some luck, I’ll find a female one
Okay… embarrassing conversation aside…
Week 4: Day 5
Giant set: clean+press- swings- curls
4x(clean&press- 65lbs+ 20 alt 1 arm kb swings-25lbs+ 15 curls-25lbs)
Super set: press- swings
4x(8press-65lbs+20 alt 1 arm kbs)
Super set: Btn press- curls
4x(6btn press-50lbs+15 curls-25lbs)
felt pretty good going in- upper back FINALLY calmed down, really worked shoulders and upper back, took longer rests than wanted but needed to it to get the reps in, conditioning fun, you’d like this @ChongLordUno
Fair play for asking him out. First time is always scariest. An email is definitely a strange medium but who cares. Honestly, to me, being asked out over the phone would be about as weird.
There are relationships without sex, usually between asexual people. I don’t know if you identify that way but just putting it out there for the “you’re looking for a friend lol” people.
+1 on all the stuff about setting boundaries early before you start dating someone anyway.
I’m not sure, maybe- my family never talks about this.
I’m interested in sex, but in an academic sense. The psychology, biology, sociology and even the mechanics are fascinating
To be fair though, I’m like this with most things. I joined a sorority and one of my first reactions was to read market design papers about sorority rush
