Like I said before, this is a hard habit to break, but you will be much happier if you can. The great thing about weightlifting is that the only person you truly need to compare yourself to is you (based on performance). Are you getting stronger? If yes and thats your goal perfect.
“Better than me” is a steep slope to a valley of sadness…i have spent a lot of time in that valley.
If I constantly compared myself to John von Neumann, Jonny Kim or 3 year old chess prodigies I’d be forever depressed and never get out of bed. You need to find a way to get out of that mindset.
So interesting story here because I was, as I’ve said before, in a very similar boat to you @anna_5588.
I’m an chronic dieter, spent most of the last 10 years trying to be in a caloric deficit. Obviously I wasn’t in a deficit for all of that time, but when I wasn’t it was because I ran out of willpower, rather than deliberately eating maintenance or above.
This time last year I was heavier than I am now, with more muscle, more strength and my maintenance calories were ~ 2k. To actually lose weight I’d have to strictly track at 1,600 to 1,800. This seems low, and I rationalised a lot of it, but it was basically because I’d spent so long undereating.
After the third lockdown here in the UK, combined with gyms shutting, moving house and both shoulders being injured, I largely stopped hitting the gym and stopped tracking calories and started eating more.
I put on a little bit of weight initially, maybe 7 or 8 lbs, then the weight gain stopped. I continued eating more, no more weight gain. For a few months i was eating easily 1k calories more than I used to with no weight gain whatsoever.
Right now, I’m at the end of a 4 week mini-cut. I lost 12lb in 4 weeks eating 2300 a day. I was aiming for slower loss but couldn’t believe I could cut at that much higher than what used to be my maintenance. I’ve upped that to 2600 now to slow the rate of loss.
I’m in a completely different place now to where I was last year, metabolically and hormonally speaking, all thanks to a 3-4 month semi forced diet break.
A year on you are exactly where you were last year because you insist on standing on both the accelerator and the brakes at the same time. You go no where but do a lot of damage in the process.
If you do put on fat, and spend time there increasing calories, putting on quality muscle and improving your metabolism, the amount of willpower and effort it will take to cut will pale into insignificance compared to how hard you’re working to stand still right now.
p.s low estrogen is a great way to give yourself anxiety.
Very similar experience as well. I got my bodyfat the lowest it’s ever been over this summer and was living off SPARSE calories to get me there. I started eating more to try to put on some bodyfat…and more…and more…and more. My metabolism is like a goddamn blast furnace these days.
It’s not like we’re saying “eat more” because we’re stupid and malicious.
I also had my T levels checked at some of my leaner (but not leanest) points and my T level was low enough that I could have walked into a TRT prescription. Not low end of normal, below reference for Total and Free T.
Staying that lean and eating ‘healthy’ doesn’t fix it. More calories does.
The pandemic has certainly been frustrating for everyone. We have been given the green light to have lab meetings in person soon, which will be great. I don’t want to suggest the pandemic is not fatiguing, but I suspect that starving yourself and overexercising diminish your cognitive potential.
I never participated in Greek life, but the scene at my undergraduate institution was surprisingly bigger than expected. I never really felt alienated in my major because of my gender though. A close female friend and I did all of our problem sets and reports together. I hope you can create some genuine friendships this way, and if not, at least you’ll know that the sorority isn’t for you.
It’s great to find out what you like and don’t like. But I’d also caution against thinking that everything is set in stone based on a specific degree.
As previously said, I hope you act on whatever these professionals tell you – don’t just listen or read. You mentioned before that people repeating the same things to you on here for years has helped you you. I don’t doubt that this played some role in you seeking therapy, which is great. But keep in mind that you alone ultimately took that step, and it is also in your hands to get your period back and not die prematurely.
I get the impression that you think having a period and being a successful athlete are mutually exclusive, when in reality the former is a prerequisite. I know you’ll insist that it’s different for you and that you’ll be fat if you actually decide to restore your hormones.
Again, I know that what you’re dealing with is not easy to overcome. I don’t want to discourage you from writing what you want in your log. But when you rant about these things every week, for the rest of us it’s like talking to a brick wall. You respond in a slightly different way each time, about why doing things correctly won’t work for you. But all in all, you’re saying that you don’t want to do the things to achieve your stated goals.
Like I’m not going to compare myself to Scharzenegger because we are the same height and part of me always wanted a bit to be like him.
You’re you, I’m me etc
In feel you as I’ve been guilty of repeating the same mistakes too many times. Very good advice by @T3hPwnisher @Pinkylifting and @Bagsy. If you’re not happy, something needs to change. It’s very hard and it takes time, I know, but I have faith you’ll manage.
@Pinkylifting Thanks for sharing. I think it’s worth giving a shot. I’ll see what the dietician says tomorrow. The thing is I WANT to eat more. I’m never hungry with the calories I’m on, and actually find myself satisfied at 3-400 calories less, but I want some “wiggle room” for social events
@Bagsy The cognitive “decline” has been pretty sudden, as in just the last 2 weeks. I think it’s more depression and stress. I’m on break today and tomorrow so hopefully that sorts things out
You guys were THE reason I actually sought out therapy
@aldebaran sorry for dragging you into this
Off Week- Day 4
Front rack/Clean “medley”- 45lb KB
(1 clean+100m)/side
(2clean +80m)/side
…
(5cleans+20m)/side
Immediately followed by…
50 goblet squats-45lbs
4x(8rdl/side-45lbs+10rows/side-25lbs)-90sec rests
Pistols: 3x1/side-45lbs, 3sec pause @ bottom+explode at top, EMOM
1x(8rdl/side-45lbs+10rows/side-25lbs)
PM:
25 DB manmakers -20lbs- 5:07
Updates:
Good news?
Embrace the suck!
What? Why? You dragged me into nothing. I’m on this website precisely for this, to exchange with people.
I routinely worry this is why I’m on TRT but won’t get the chance to try and come off again until after I first go through a program dealing with eating disorders.
Some days it eats me up inside.
I very almost was, I was testing below range consistently for 9 months and actually got the green light for a prescription from my Doc.
Read some studies showing how much T gets supressed during contest prep and while it was tempting (mostly so I could stay lean with good T) in the end there were, luckily, just enough factors stopping me for that knowledge to make a difference, though it almost didnt.
I was legitimately out of touch with what I was doing dietarily and didn’t see the harm I was doing. Didn’t cross my mind as the culprit for a long time until such a time that I was actively lying to myself and others.
Off day today- will do snatches tomorrow then get onto the new program
Update: Met with the dietician. Apparently, I’m doing a lot right, just need to eat more. she suggested that I increase calories by 100-200 and wait 2 weeks to see what happens, then adjust from there.
She also doesn’t suggest I gain more weight
Did she mention not upping activity to account for increased calories?
yes 
Fantastic. Seems a new consistent narrative
Off week- Day 6
50 down by 10, alt DB snatch w/ 32lb DB, 200m run btw sets
5x(10 rows/side-25lbs+10 glute bridges- squeeze @ top of each rep)
curls (bc I was bored and tired): 2x20-25lbs
PM:
5min snatch test- 100!!! @kdjohn
Congrats on the Snatch PR!!