I’ve seen many therapists, but I never felt comfortable. When I was little, I had c couple of bad experiences with various guidance counselors and have since never really trusted mental health professionals
tbh, the advice I’m getting on the log is exactly what I want to do. I’m just afraid of things going wrong and then I’ll have to work twice as hard to reestablish habits.
Building what I have (physique and habits) is probably one of the only things I’ve had to work for, and even then, I have great genetics
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I totally get that seeing a therapist as a child sucks. Or at least I can imagine that as I was already an adult when I first saw one.
Maybe it’s different now as an adult?
Maybe a specialist for eating disorders, as mentioned by Allberg, might understand you better. Just presuming here of course since I don’t know what kind of approaches you already tried.
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I actually didn’t want to get drawn into this one too much, I trust @Koestrizer to have more tact and insight than me, plus I should be asleep, but I don’t really want to let that slide.
“Having great genetics” is a cop out to avoid crediting yourself. You should give yourself far more credit than that. I think that if you could genuinely learn to recognise your good qualities, it would help you take the steps you need to overcome some of the challenges you have.
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bad experience with one of those too. I confided in her and made her promise not to tell my parents. She broke the promise, my mom freaked out and went on a rampage against me and my dad for a good week
That is totally messed up!
I get why you would be very cautious after those experiences. On the other hand, things are different now that you’re an adult. They can’t just go and contact your parents. (Okay quick question here: 18 is adult and 21 is drinking age in America, yes? Or is 21 adult?)
Now that you go to college you have a lot more possibilities, INDEPENDENT from your mom. I would imagine most colleges have counsellors of the sort you might find useful. Or they could possibly at least refer you somewhere.
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yep
I want a confidant, but the trust issue will take some time
Honestly, most days, I wish I could just take a week to eat whatever and stay in bed, but the thought of having to reverse the consequences keeps me in line
That’s understandable. To be honest I am just glad to hear that you consider something like this an option at all.
I know all to well that a process like that can a) be long and b) freaking difficult. I myself needed a very long time to even admit to myself that I had issues (different ones but I guess the internal process is kind of comparable). One might think that once this point is reached, the rest is a walk in the park but it truly isn’t! I still needed a lot of time before I would seek help. Which lead to the point of me looking at the shattered parts of what was once my life at that point, drinking like a fish and seriously considering to end it.
My point is: I regretted waiting. It was a mistake and I paid a high price for it.
P.S.: You could rightfully argue that I am stil dealing with a lot of the same issues and have gotten better and worse a few times since then. But the lesson I learned still holds true.
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I thought that you went on a massive fresh fruit bender upon arrival. I could be misremembering though.
Can’t hurt to do a spot check on regular intakes.
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I did, but I’ve cut back significantly and the cramping hasn’t come back- digestion better too!
This is why I’ve exited the conversation. It just feels like nagging to me. People change when they’re ready. I do check in when there are a lot of posts, hoping something wonderful has happened. : )
I’ve worked with a lot of involuntary kids (where parents, schools, or the court system were the impetus) and had some success, but now that I’m in private practice and in control, I quiz parents about children’s willingness. I have a 14-year-old male coming in next week for the first time. “No, he’s really excited about meeting you” was the response to my request for assurance that the kid is not being coerced. A 14yo female wouldn’t faze me because typically they love to chatter, but boys between 12-25 are different. I want buy-in. And then it goes beautifully. But a truculent kid sitting across from me watching the clock for an hour? No.
I’m very clear with the parents who reach out that therapy kids don’t want can be a violation, which I will not do. I will NOT be going after whether a kid was molested by your ex, it’s another form of rape. I’ll be chatting about the week and offering gum and the idea of “mixed feelings” and providing a safe space where things can come up if they need to and the kid is ready.
Being an adult is different. You’re seeking help in feeling better, and you find someone who hears you. I work with…hmm…three? College-aged women, two of whom have eating d/o’s, one of whom is maybe bipolar but maybe was just an alcoholic, which didn’t come up in any significant way until this year and the pandemic. Funny thing is that her moods are not swinging the way they used to, and also she’s not drinking daily, which she never mentioned that she WAS. We talked about her mother’s worry about her drinking, but not the degree to which her mom was right to be concerned. So it’s been I’d say right at a year since we started together, maybe a bit longer (though with long times between sessions because she was in school a couple of hours away, so close enough to continue with me but too far for weekly or biweekly) and we’re just now (presumably) talking honestly. But that’s okay, because we’ve worked on other things, including trust. It hasn’t been unproductive.
All that to say, you’re in control now, Anna, and I suspect you’d find it a very different experience.
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@dagill2 @Voxel @Koestrizer
Thanks for all the advice and support
I guess what I’m really afraid of is getting too comfortable with gaining and going on a permabulk only to wake up overweight and having to cut.
I’m not very good at “listening to my body “ and tend to eat when not hungry “just because I can”. This habit is very difficult to break and is dangerous for future me. I won’t always have the luxury of being active enough to get away with 2000kcal. This is why I throw in low days just to prove to myself that I can stick to lower calories should that be necessary- I’ve actually been pleasantly surprised
My random weight increase(which is probably permanent) freaks me out so much bc it indicates I’m probably grossly mistracking something. I ostensibly only increased 100kcal, yet weight’s spiked nearly 2lbs in a week following the increase WITH eating lower carbs (way less fruit) AND cutting sodium for 2 days now. I haven’t radically changed what I’ve eaten and have even started using a food scale instead of eyeballing calorically dense foods AND have worked on reining in weekend cheats. Covid stress is probably not the culprit either since this is the first time this has happened(random weight gain sticking for more than a week) Imagine what could happen when I don’t have the time to be so meticulous. WTF is going on?!
Sorry for the rant and pls tag someone who might have a better idea of what’s going on
Freaks you out why? Afraid of having to cut why? These are body image issues by the sounds of it, they have nothing to do with lifting or nutrition. You know this, right?
This’ll sound harsh, but I agree. Except I think we arrive at this conclusion from opposite perspectives.
You view this as a habit, but I imagine it’s your body trying every which way to keep you alive as you try to starve it in an effort to keep fat off.
How so? Your current behaviour is most assuredly dangerous and counterproductive more often than not.
Gaining body fat, and having to occasionally employ a deficit is seemingly par for the course. Part of the ebb and tide of building a muscular physique.
While zig-zagging calories between training and off-days is a seemingly viable strategy to add less body fat some body fat is going to be accrued. Inevitably, assuming you don’t go the pharma route.
Zig-zagging calories is however not usually revolved around a social engagement (grill night). Scott Abel’s cycle diet certainly is but once again that’s for people that have the mass that they need and are more focused on maintaining than progressing.
Another strategy of 6-8 weeks of gaining followed by a two week blitz fat loss phase also seems to work for some people. This could be a strategy for you in the future but it isn’t now. You need a long period of maintenance/hypercaloric intake. Of this I have exactly zero doubt.
There are many intermediary steps between where you are now and that mindset. This fear is irrational, but I do sympathise.
If where you are at now habitually is one end of the spectrum (left) and what you describe above is the opposite end (right) you absolutely have to find comfortability further to the right.
I’m afraid you are intellectualizing and justifying a behaviour so that you don’t have to acknowledge that it actually stems in something that relates to your mental health.
Not necessarily. Again, you might have a hefty bowel movement coming up but since you are always at the knifes edge of undereating eventually your thyroid hormone conversion thingamajigs will become effed up lowering your metabolism.
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Sooner or later you are going to have to stop asking strangers on the Web about the ups and downs in your weight and consider how unsustainable this is. Sure, maybe you can string together a year or two extra of this behaviour but to what end? Wouldn’t it be much better to get help with this now than to be hospitalised two years from now and then have that as your starting point when you enter therapy rather than having your current state be your starting point. That’d be two years extra of “habits” you’d have to work to undo which would be far more difficult than starting to solve it now.
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I wasn’t tagged, but can I offer some insight?
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Definitely!
Ok.
This is something I recognize because I come up against it with myself often enough.
A lot of the things you just wrote about are future things you are worried about but can’t act upon and past things you can’t change. Reference to future self, actions taken that didn’t achieve the desired outcome.
There are always going to be impending scenarios that worry us, and past actions that we regret, because we aren’t perfect. We can’t do anything with those. The only thing we really have to do is now, in the moment.
So instead of worrying about your future self, or trying to compensate for a past action that didn’t work out the way you planned, try staying in the moment. Be gentle with yourself and do what you can in the present. This continuous loop of self deprivation->saturation followed by regret, followed by a “new” plan is demoralizing and destructive. I’ve done this with other things and I know, it’s a brutal process of creating proof of failure.
Practice staying in the moment. It’s way more difficult than it seems, so be gentle with yourself.
And remove “Yeah, but…” from your inner dialog 
.
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You worry a lot about future you’s behaviour and little about future you’s health.
You should make sure future you is in a position to still call those shots
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Yesterday’s workout
kB intervals- 6x(30sec+10sec rest) each exercise
- kbs-(3 w/25kbs, 3w/45lbs)
- kB halo-25lbs
- kB row- 25lbs
- kB clean and press-25lbs
- stepups- 25lbs
- kB push press- 25lbs
- kB carry/side-45lbs
AC leaking does ppl were in it to fix all day so needed to get something quick in, Felt good, quick and intense, upper back pumped
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