Am I an A-Hole?

Off Topic
82

[quote]chinadoll wrote:

Whoah, Go Heavy, this is “Chick Porn” all the way!

Your wife must be so happy that she’d do anything for you.
[/quote]

More like the other way around. I’m so happy with her, I’d do anything for her. I came to this realization along time ago. Us(MEN), are just basicly dickheads, and we have to find a woman that will put up with our bullshit. Once you find that “one”, you have to do everything possible to keep her. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I would be bored off of my ass if I didn’t have a woman to please. I love it. It’s fun and my wife is gold. I could take anything she’s dishes out or makes me put up with. Its all worth it to me. Women are beautiful, in the end… that’s all you really need to know.

Just like John Candy said… “like your work, love your wife”.

83

[quote]Professor X wrote:
Go heavy fool wrote:
Professor X wrote:
Go heavy fool wrote:

Most women are smarter than men by the way.

?

Observation Prof… I have no way of prooving this. Purely opinion. But if you have any proof that men are smarter than women… enlighten please.

I think anyone making a claim that any whole group of people is smarter or dumber than any other entire group of people has some issues they need to work out.[/quote]

You’re right… I have an issue with “men” and how they never live up to one. Than they take out everything on the women. Maybe I respect my mom too much, I don’t know. My dad was always seen as the smart one; not too different than a nation as a “whole”, and my mom the dumb one. My dad is an engineer and my mom a housewife… but I saw it differently, my mom was actually much smarter than my dad and knew more about “LIFE”, then he would have ever known.

Just a generalization, but I stand by my opinion.

84

[quote]chinadoll wrote:

Never ever ever would I EVER call any of my married male friends to help me.

Why? Out of respect for their wives, their children and for their marriages. Because I respect my guy friends and their wives and their marriages, I would never want to put my guy friends into any kind of ackward or questionable-seeming scenario. [/quote]

and then

[quote]chinadoll wrote:
And the single male friends scenario. I feel my male friends’ wives, because of my actions, know that they can trust me [/quote]

These statements are completely contradictory.

If your male friends’ wives know they can trust you, how can something as innocent as a phone call for help put them in a “questionable-seeming scenario”?

Please help me to understand this.

85

[quote]Professor X wrote:
ThatGirl77 wrote:

Please don’t hold your wife accountable for her behavior. She’s stressed.

I don’t understand this. When do we EVER hear, “Don’t hold your husband responsible for his actions…he’s stressed.” WTF?

Why doesn’t this shit work BOTH WAYS?

If women expect to get free passes for how they act based on their wild emotions and modd swings, then men should be getting a free pass when a FRIEND needs some help and we actually freaking help them.[/quote]

OMG. Get a grip, dude. Since when do YOU have PMS? Since when do YOU bleed for a week? Since when do YOU birth a baby? Since when do YOU have to breastfeed an infant? Since when do YOU do all the work at home keeping up a house AND rasing the little ones? Since when do YOU do ALL OF THAT after major surgery?

She was in an extremely fragile state. Yes, she should have realized that Derek was doing the stand-up thing and there was nothing wrong with that.

Why don’t you put YOURSELF in her shoes and then come cry about it.

No man I’ve ever known can take what we women deal with.

86

[quote]derek wrote:
To Go heavy fool;

I tried your way. Actually I was that guy for YEARS. As I look back, every relationship I had with your mindset ended up boring, dull, passionless and many times cheated on.[/quote]

Man, we have more in common than I thought…

[quote]When I wised up and realized my place in life was to live by my rules (with some compromise), follow my heart, be noble even when the costs are high, my relationships have been full of passion, life, mutual respect and loyalty.

I don’t think women want a man as a lapdog. You may avoid conflict. You may never have another disagreement but at what cost?

I feel the more “ideal” you become to a woman, the less she wants you around.

The more moldable you are, the more amenable you are the less your woman will respect you and we all know how THAT turns out.

Respect your woman of course. Compromise when necessary. But scarifice my manhood for her? Out of the question.
[/quote]

Right own, brothah!

Some questions for GHF:

#1: You have stated that derek did not do his homework or lay the groundwork for his wife to trust him (I am paraphrasing, but I think this was the gist of it). What exactly do you think one should do to earn a woman’s trust other than being a caring, faithful husband and father day after day, year after year?

I “laid the groundwork”, so to speak very early on in my marriage by being clear that I would not be made to feel like a doormat (details above) and I have the absolute happiest marriage of anyone I know (i.e.; people I can see in the flesh) by a very large margin.

#2: You mention understanding your woman and easing her mind no matter what. Does this mean rolling over and apologizing for nothing just because it is what you think she wants to hear?

(If I acted like this, my wife would take my temperature and ask what drugs I was doing.)

All that said, I cater to my wife’s physical/emotional/intellectual needs to the best of my ability, and I get a huge ego boost out of the fact that she tells, no, gushes to all of her friends and acquaintances about how she has the best husband in the world and how lucky she is, yadda-yadda-yadda… It’s almost embarassing.

Seriously, if you think it’s worth the long distance charges, PM me and I’ll give you her cell # and my real name and you can hear it for yourself. I just hope you’re not diabetic!

87

[quote]ThatGirl77 wrote:

Why don’t you put YOURSELF in her shoes and then come cry about it.

No man I’ve ever known can take what we women deal with.[/quote]

I love this underestimation. I doubt any man would WANT to deal with PMS, but please don’t think that as a species, if the tables were turned, that we would all die out because men couldn’t handle the stress of everything that makes a woman who she is. While I give much respect to most women (not all as some clearly don’t deserve it regardless of how PC we pretend we are), I also think many of you are condescending in the way you view all of us. In your mind, being a guy is simply a carefree walk in the park as if social conflicts don’t make up for some of that biological conflict you just wrote about in yourself. If that needs to be explained in detail, just ask.

88

[quote]Digital Chainsaw wrote:
derek wrote:
To Go heavy fool;

I tried your way. Actually I was that guy for YEARS. As I look back, every relationship I had with your mindset ended up boring, dull, passionless and many times cheated on.

Man, we have more in common than I thought…

When I wised up and realized my place in life was to live by my rules (with some compromise), follow my heart, be noble even when the costs are high, my relationships have been full of passion, life, mutual respect and loyalty.

I don’t think women want a man as a lapdog. You may avoid conflict. You may never have another disagreement but at what cost?

I feel the more “ideal” you become to a woman, the less she wants you around.

The more moldable you are, the more amenable you are the less your woman will respect you and we all know how THAT turns out.

Respect your woman of course. Compromise when necessary. But scarifice my manhood for her? Out of the question.

Right own, brothah!

Some questions for GHF:

#1: You have stated that derek did not do his homework or lay the groundwork for his wife to trust him (I am paraphrasing, but I think this was the gist of it). What exactly do you think one should do to earn a woman’s trust other than being a caring, faithful husband and father day after day, year after year?

I “laid the groundwork”, so to speak very early on in my marriage by being clear that I would not be made to feel like a doormat (details above) and I have the absolute happiest marriage of anyone I know (i.e.; people I can see in the flesh) by a very large margin.

#2: You mention understanding your woman and easing her mind no matter what. Does this mean rolling over and apologizing for nothing just because it is what you think she wants to hear?

(If I acted like this, my wife would take my temperature and ask what drugs I was doing.)

All that said, I cater to my wife’s physical/emotional/intellectual needs to the best of my ability, and I get a huge ego boost out of the fact that she tells, no, gushes to all of her friends and acquaintances about how she has the best husband in the world and how lucky she is, yadda-yadda-yadda… It’s almost embarassing.

Seriously, if you think it’s worth the long distance charges, PM me and I’ll give you her cell # and my real name and you can hear it for yourself. I just hope you’re not diabetic![/quote]

I’ll sum it up for you. My wife knows I’m the biggest self-serving, egotistical, hellbent, hellbound, forthright, upfront, blunt, detsructive, arrogant… son of a bitch there is. What drives her crazy about me is this… I have the power to throw all that shit aside and cater to my wifes every need. She knows it is not easy for a self-serving son of a bitch like me, but I do it anyway. To go the extra mile and go out of your way for your wife means alot to them. And all the little things that you do add up and they appreciate them. I do it because she is more important to me than I am to myself and I love her at all costs.

When you can get someone like me to drop the ax and get of my high horse, to come down and spoil my wife by rubbing body lotion all over her and pampering her to death(includes cuddleing alot)… she knows how much I truely care about her and am willing to do anything for her. She feels very safe and secure with me, she has no reson to feel otherwise. I would not do this kind of stuff for anyone else.

Its not the fact that certain things are done for her. Its the fact that someone like me can do these things for her. Going beyond what you’re comfortably capable of doing sometimes… is worth its weight in gold. How I earned my wifes trust was by letting her into my soul and by removing the mask of what she sees on the outside, giving her the true essense of myself.

89

[quote]derek wrote:
To Go heavy fool;

I tried your way. Actually I was that guy for YEARS. As I look back, every relationship I had with your mindset ended up boring, dull, passionless and many times cheated on.[/quote]

I don’t think you understand my way or my mindset at all. Until I put my relationship priority above my own self-serving priority… I had exactly what you described there, not much of one.

[quote]
When I wised up and realized my place in life was to live by my rules (with some compromise), follow my heart, be noble even when the costs are high, my relationships have been full of passion, life, mutual respect and loyalty.[/quote]
no argument there

[quote]
I don’t think women want a man as a lapdog. You may avoid conflict. You may never have another disagreement but at what cost?[/quote] I don’t avoid conflict, sometimes my wife wants conflict… I give her just enough, & I give her what she wants. I can read my wife very well, very well. We almost agree to disagree. At what costs? Whatever it takes to keep her love.

[quote]
I feel the more “ideal” you become to a woman, the less she wants you around. [/quote] I am a huge challange for my wife, she knows how easy I can give her the stern look and set her straight when she needs to be put in her place. I’m only ideal in the sense that I’m very mutable and adaptable. She knows I do what I want regardless of what anyone thinks of me. The only thing I will not do is disregard my wife’s feelings… that’s where I draw the line. She knows that I don’t need her regardless of how much I’m attached to her, my soul is attracted to hers and that’s why were together, but I could survive without her and that keeps her wanting to pull us together.

[quote]
The more moldable you are, the more amenable you are the less your woman will respect you and we all know how THAT turns out.[/quote]

I find just the opposite. The more set you are in your ways, well those are just quirks, the ability to change the ones that hurt your wife are what counts. Again, the concept being… not to do anything harmful to the relationship. But, again being yourself. I wouldn’t change anything than wasn’t affecting her. If my wifes upset because I spend 10 hours a day in a gym, than by all means keep lifting but give your wife some fuckin attention. I ahvn’t changed much, just threw out alot of the bullshit than neither one of us needed.

There’s the difference maker. You don’t want to sacrafice that, but if there’s one person to do it for… it would be your wife. Your manhood will always be there, but learning to put the brakes on it is the key. Either that, or sacrafice your relationship. You don’t need to be bustin ass and chuggin beer to prove you are a man. She knows that everytime she sees the skidmarks in your underwear. Do that on your own time. Go out in the woods and start growling if need be. But, give your wife the respect she deserves. There is plenty of time to scream & hollar in the weight room. Give your wife a few back rubs and watch the chic flick with her from time to time.

You like it when your woman puts on the gloves and gets down and dirty and does some yardwork or some automtive work… does she sacrafice her womanhood? I think not. Pretty goddam sexy if you ask me. She probaly thinks the same thing everytime she see’s some big manly man actually do some not so manly work every once in a while… like change the baby or wash the kids hair, or do some housework like laundry and what not.

90

[quote]Go heavy fool wrote:

I’ll sum it up for you. My wife knows I’m the biggest self-serving, egotistical, hellbent, hellbound, forthright, upfront, blunt, detsructive, arrogant… son of a bitch there is. What drives her crazy about me is this… I have the power to throw all that shit aside and cater to my wifes every need. She knows it is not easy for a self-serving son of a bitch like me, but I do it anyway. To go the extra mile and go out of your way for your wife means alot to them. And all the little things that you do add up and they appreciate them. I do it because she is more important to me than I am to myself and I love her at all costs.

When you can get someone like me to drop the ax and get of my high horse, to come down and spoil my wife by rubbing body lotion all over her and pampering her to death(includes cuddleing alot)… she knows how much I truely care about her and am willing to do anything for her. She feels very safe and secure with me, she has no reson to feel otherwise. I would not do this kind of stuff for anyone else.

Its not the fact that certain things are done for her. Its the fact that someone like me can do these things for her. Going beyond what you’re comfortably capable of doing sometimes… is worth its weight in gold. How I earned my wifes trust was by letting her into my soul and by removing the mask of what she see’s on the outside, giving her the true essense of myself. [/quote]

Right, I’m with you 100% on all of that stuff; I do it, and it certainly sounds like our friend derek does it, too, but in regards to catering to things like a wife’s unfounded jealousy (which shouldn’t happen, of course, but here we are) how would you handle it, knowing you had done everything you wrote above?

Having given all that you have to your wife, wouldn’t you feel insulted and even a little betrayed if you had to start doing a soft shoe every time you came home 10 minutes late?

I know I certainly would.

91

[quote]Digital Chainsaw wrote:
Go heavy fool wrote:

I’ll sum it up for you. My wife knows I’m the biggest self-serving, egotistical, hellbent, hellbound, forthright, upfront, blunt, detsructive, arrogant… son of a bitch there is. What drives her crazy about me is this… I have the power to throw all that shit aside and cater to my wifes every need. She knows it is not easy for a self-serving son of a bitch like me, but I do it anyway. To go the extra mile and go out of your way for your wife means alot to them. And all the little things that you do add up and they appreciate them. I do it because she is more important to me than I am to myself and I love her at all costs.

When you can get someone like me to drop the ax and get of my high horse, to come down and spoil my wife by rubbing body lotion all over her and pampering her to death(includes cuddleing alot)… she knows how much I truely care about her and am willing to do anything for her. She feels very safe and secure with me, she has no reson to feel otherwise. I would not do this kind of stuff for anyone else.

Its not the fact that certain things are done for her. Its the fact that someone like me can do these things for her. Going beyond what you’re comfortably capable of doing sometimes… is worth its weight in gold. How I earned my wifes trust was by letting her into my soul and by removing the mask of what she see’s on the outside, giving her the true essense of myself.

Right, I’m with you 100% on all of that stuff; I do it, and it certainly sounds like our friend derek does it, too, but in regards to catering to things like a wife’s unfounded jealousy (which shouldn’t happen, of course, but here we are) how would you handle it, knowing you had done everything you wrote above?

Having given all that you have to your wife, wouldn’t you feel insulted and even a little betrayed if you had to start doing a soft shoe every time you came home 10 minutes late?

I know I certainly would.[/quote]

True dat’ Digial! Well said.

I really DON’T see what GHF is talking about. He sounds VERY intellegent and quite lucid. But much of what he’s asking me to do confuses me to no end.

Stand my ground but tell her she’s right. Be a man but only when I’m alone? I must be slow. (seriously, not to dis GHF) I cannot grasp it.

92

[quote]Digital Chainsaw wrote:
Go heavy fool wrote:

I’ll sum it up for you. My wife knows I’m the biggest self-serving, egotistical, hellbent, hellbound, forthright, upfront, blunt, detsructive, arrogant… son of a bitch there is. What drives her crazy about me is this… I have the power to throw all that shit aside and cater to my wifes every need. She knows it is not easy for a self-serving son of a bitch like me, but I do it anyway. To go the extra mile and go out of your way for your wife means alot to them. And all the little things that you do add up and they appreciate them. I do it because she is more important to me than I am to myself and I love her at all costs.

When you can get someone like me to drop the ax and get of my high horse, to come down and spoil my wife by rubbing body lotion all over her and pampering her to death(includes cuddleing alot)… she knows how much I truely care about her and am willing to do anything for her. She feels very safe and secure with me, she has no reson to feel otherwise. I would not do this kind of stuff for anyone else.

Its not the fact that certain things are done for her. Its the fact that someone like me can do these things for her. Going beyond what you’re comfortably capable of doing sometimes… is worth its weight in gold. How I earned my wifes trust was by letting her into my soul and by removing the mask of what she see’s on the outside, giving her the true essense of myself.

Right, I’m with you 100% on all of that stuff; I do it, and it certainly sounds like our friend derek does it, too, but in regards to catering to things like a wife’s unfounded jealousy (which shouldn’t happen, of course, but here we are) how would you handle it, knowing you had done everything you wrote above?

Having given all that you have to your wife, wouldn’t you feel insulted and even a little betrayed if you had to start doing a soft shoe every time you came home 10 minutes late?

I know I certainly would.[/quote]

This is all “damage control” now. Like I said before. Failure to earn every ounce of trust early led to this doubt she has now. Considering she was thinking straight.

Answer… set her straight. Or, you can forgive her. You’ll have to sit her down and let her stare right into your soul so she knows who you really are and what you’re all about. May take some close talking and some deep thoughts. Now if you can’t convince her that your “hers”, don’t expect her not to have doubts. She can’t have a doubt in her mind about you. Apparantly she did before unless she had a momentary lapse of reason due to her condition, then just comfort her and forgive her if your upset at her for doubting you. No big deal, nobody cheated, no harm was done. Patch it up and move on.

93

I’ve “laid the foundation” like Digital Chainsaw said by running my own business, raising my two beautiful kids, feeding them, changing diapers, pushing the stroller (funny story… I was pushing my two kids at the 4H fair this summer. The guy that you knock in the water with a baseball who calls out everyone that walks by to piss them off enough to buy 3 balls yells out to me "That’s right dude, push that carriage… Just like you were TOLD!)

Anyway, I am loyal, work hard (even today, Sunday) protective, a great dad, honest, everything a normal woman could ask for in a relationship.

I understand that a marriage is “a lot of work”. I saw it on Oprah once. Having said all that, I refuse to do very much more than what’s required.

How pissed off would you be if you drove the speed limit all day, every day of your adult life but kept getting speeding tickets?

What would be your next course of action? Should you have “laid the groundwork” with the police department? Would you try and understand what the cops were going through that day?

Don’t get me wrong. It may sound like a have a troubled marriage, I don’t. Sure this stuff gets to me enough to have posted the initial question but I love my wife, my family, my marriage. No it’s not 100% perfect but it’s FAR better than most I see. I don’t look for reasons to get out of the house, I don’t have a girl on the side and I love being home where I belong. Just to clear the air.

94

[quote]derek wrote:

I really DON’T see what GHF is talking about. He sounds VERY intellegent and quite lucid. But much of what he’s asking me to do confuses me to no end.

Stand my ground but tell her she’s right. Be a man but only when I’m alone? I must be slow. (seriously, not to dis GHF) I cannot grasp it.

[/quote]
OK in laymans terms. LOVE YOUR WIFE. I cannot tell you how to do that. I don’t know your wife, you know what makes her tic and where her buttons are. All women don’t have a specific answer. If I was with your woman, I’m sure i would know what to do and say that would earn the trust and get the love in return.

The reason its confusing you, is because love is confusing… nothing is set in stone, there are no rules. You just do it. Some women want you to chase them, some want space, some just want a card & some flowers, some want a vaction, some want a baby. Do you see what I’m saying. Find your way into her heart and its all gravy. But be honest, do it sincerly. Women can spot a fake a mile away.

My wife would want me to take her on a trip or a getaway so we could be alone. I don’t know your wife, therefore I cannot speak for her and what she would want you to do. That is your homework. PAY ATTENTION TO HER. Women give you clues all the time, you just have to know how to read them.

95

[quote]Professor X wrote:
ThatGirl77 wrote:

Why don’t you put YOURSELF in her shoes and then come cry about it.

No man I’ve ever known can take what we women deal with.

I love this underestimation. I doubt any man would WANT to deal with PMS, but please don’t think that as a species, if the tables were turned, that we would all die out because men couldn’t handle the stress of everything that makes a woman who she is. While I give much respect to most women (not all as some clearly don’t deserve it regardless of how PC we pretend we are), I also think many of you are condescending in the way you view all of us. In your mind, being a guy is simply a carefree walk in the park as if social conflicts don’t make up for some of that biological conflict you just wrote about in yourself. If that needs to be explained in detail, just ask.[/quote]

Wow. You’re really making yourself out to look like a rose here, arentcha?

Do not for one second assume or talk to me like I’m some feminist man hater. And don’t tell me what I believe or think.

I stand by what I said. The woman was under some dire mental stress. That doesn’t mean Derek did something wrong. It just means that given the circumstances, anyone should have compassion for her situation, just as SHE should have compassion for the client’s situation.

That’s all there is to it. Derek helped someone out for a few minutes and his wife got her panties in a wad because she was in pain and exhausted and stressed out about it.

Crap happens. Deal with it and move on.

96

[quote]ThatGirl77 wrote:

arentcha
[/quote]

I’m diggin’ that word. I’m stealing it. I’ve only heard it used once, in the movie “Gone in 60 seconds”.

97

[quote]Go heavy fool wrote:
Don’t ask me for advice on women because I ain’t giving any more out. [/quote]

a dozen posts later… LIAR!

Derek, I really think everything is cool and you just need to forgive the wife for the “momentary lapse of reason”. If you truely do have a trust issue and she is jealous alot. You have to get in there like I said and set her straight. No point of carrying on if she doesn’t trust you. It wasn’t your encounter that was a big deal so to speak, it was her lack of trust in you that was spawned by the encounter, or her little episode that can be washed under the bridge. just move on, big deal so she was upset. Its not the first time a woman on earth got emotional. Shit my wife cries every time the starving kids are on tv, ya know.

98

[quote]ThatGirl77 wrote:
Professor X wrote:
ThatGirl77 wrote:

Why don’t you put YOURSELF in her shoes and then come cry about it.

No man I’ve ever known can take what we women deal with.

I love this underestimation. I doubt any man would WANT to deal with PMS, but please don’t think that as a species, if the tables were turned, that we would all die out because men couldn’t handle the stress of everything that makes a woman who she is. While I give much respect to most women (not all as some clearly don’t deserve it regardless of how PC we pretend we are), I also think many of you are condescending in the way you view all of us. In your mind, being a guy is simply a carefree walk in the park as if social conflicts don’t make up for some of that biological conflict you just wrote about in yourself. If that needs to be explained in detail, just ask.

Wow. You’re really making yourself out to look like a rose here, arentcha?

Do not for one second assume or talk to me like I’m some feminist man hater. And don’t tell me what I believe or think.

I stand by what I said. The woman was under some dire mental stress. That doesn’t mean Derek did something wrong. It just means that given the circumstances, anyone should have compassion for her situation, just as SHE should have compassion for the client’s situation.

That’s all there is to it. Derek helped someone out for a few minutes and his wife got her panties in a wad because she was in pain and exhausted and stressed out about it.

Crap happens. Deal with it and move on.[/quote]

Your direct quote is above:

No man I’ve ever known…

I don’t think X assumed anything. You did it to yourself, didntcha.

99

your a ass hole :wink:

100

[quote]sasquatch wrote:
Your direct quote is above:

No man I’ve ever known…

I don’t think X assumed anything. You did it to yourself, didntcha.

[/quote]

C’mon Sasquatch… is that how you talk to women? How do some of you guys ever find a woman, talking to them like that?

Save those harsh words for me. Seriously dude, no need to beat up on women, beat up fools like me.

101

GHF, you are making more sense to me now, thanks.

It’s funny how far this thread has gone. My wife and I had a great day together. She’s still in pain but Friday night seems to be a thnig of the past.

That specific issue has remedied itself but in the back of my mind, I know that this or something like it will rear up once again.

I will adress it before it happens and perhaps will be able to avoid it altogether. However, I LOVE the dialogue going on here. I seem to understand women (ya, RIIIIGHT!) a bit more than two days ago.

This thread helped me to;

  1. Keep being a stand-up type who acts in others best interests first when there is due cause to. It affirmed my resolve to do the right thing as I see it, damn the consequences. And THAT is a lesson we guys either already know instinctively or need to learn.

  2. Realize that sometimes, there’s nothing you can do to please some people. That people can be irratioal no matter how much logic you shove down thier throats. That despite doing everything right, you’re still going to be seen as an asshole, at least for the moment.

Such is life. I 'aint changing.