[quote]dave670 wrote:
[quote]BrickHead wrote:
Being a formerly clinically depressed person myself, as I admitted several times before on this board, I believe you are lost and depressed because of the way you repeatedly express yourself. It almost seems like you are taking on the mentality and behaviors of a bum/do-nothing to prove to yourself that you are a loser of some sort. [/quote]
It’s an interesting psychological phenomenon, but within stoner culture, a lot of people (college kids) who start smoking pot start just to do it for fun, but over time, inevitably, they actually end up embodying characteristics of stoner culture itself. My brain is permanently changed now and I have to deal with that. It’s not entirely for the worse, it’s almost like as I am growing up, some of my mind is regaining the mindset of a 12 year old. But, again, that obviously is not good for employment. I want to go to school at some point, probably for Psychology. Believe it or not I’m really not that stupid, though I certainly wouldn’t go to the lengths of saying I had high IQ or lauding myself.
[quote]BrickHead wrote:
It’s not going to be easy to heal your mind and change your outlook and state of well-being or lack thereof. [/quote]
I started with self-love. I just decided one day, since i started this thread, to like myself no matter what. It’s really hard to do, because I’m in that phase of life where young people look to others for validation still, i.e. teachers, bosses, girls who may or may not fuck you. Granted, I would probably take better care of myself if I loved myself more, I wouldn’t smoke or drink or go days on nothing but cigarettes and Mio energy water. Yes I have body issues.
[quote]BrickHead wrote:
I have a sedentary job and was never taught how to use tools (most American-Jewish men do not work with their hands). Now I jump whenever my carpenter father-in-law needs help around his yard and home. I really am surprised by you. [/quote]
I grew up on a farm doing labor every day, I’ve kind of gotten the manual labor thing out of my system I think.
[quote]BrickHead wrote:
You talk about your babyish attribute, your face, yet quit a man’s job! What’s a more manly job than construction? Not many. [/quote]
Is it? Is a man someone who works a manly job so as to gain manliness by association, or is a man someone who is content to play music, sit in the field and look at flowers like Ferdinand the bull, confident enough in himself to know that that’s just what he wants and he doesn’t give a crap? It’s interesting.
[quote]BrickHead wrote:
Also, speaking of women. You think some grown woman is going to want to put up with some guy who quits a job because his co-workers are giving him crap, especially when there are expenses to be met and health insurance to be had or children to take care of? You think she’s going to want to work and come home to some guy smoking pot and eating fast food on the couch and playing video games or writing weepy, angst-laden poetry? [/quote]
At least I’m not a fat stoner. 5’6"-5’7" and 109 this morning. I weigh less than some 12 year olds. Yet the beard is just starting to come in slowly, so perhaps soon I shall be a prime cut above the average 12 year old.
[quote]BrickHead wrote:
A woman who is right for you is not going to give a rat’s ass about your boyish face or slender and hairless physique if you handle yourself like a man! Get a grip! [/quote]
I really hope so, I hope women are less shallow than that. To tell the truth I would rather look a bit boyish than old and gross, but you have to look old enough. Once I stop getting mistaken for a teenager it’ll be good.
[quote]BrickHead wrote:
Because you are anonymous here, would you mind telling if you had good relations with your dad or if he served as a good role model? Mine was sinfully negligent and I do not speak to him. Many men who struggle with your issues did not have involved fathers. [/quote]
My dad was successful in life, has a good job etc, however he was a pot smoker and never forced any ideas of masculinity or ideas onto me, his philosophy was to let me figure it out and be who I will be. That said, he disagrees with where I’m taking my life. I admire the man tremendously and look up to him, but I could never get any real answers out of him about life advice.
[/quote]
Oh for fuck’s sake, kid…
I’m getting sick of trying to help you. You keep claiming to be working on things, and just return to continue to label yourself as a loser and try and make rationalizations about the way you are.
I remember once being in a similar spot to you: I was a 21 year-old single father, and a terrible one. I had quit school to work in a dead end job and could barely scrape together enough money for rent and food, though I always had enough for booze, weed, and cigarettes, which were a daily thing. My place was a dump. I was depressed. I felt so alone all the time: I repulsed women and my shitty attitudes and behaviours had driven away all my friends (and realistically, who would want someone like that in their life?). I was skinny, weak and insecure about my masculinity. I stayed inside playing video games for days on end. I made excuses for my actions and fell into a pit of despair. I was a fucking mess without any sort of direction. Nobody believed in me, including myself.
Now, 4 years later, everything has changed. I have a close relationship with my family and especially my son. I went back to school, finished my degree, and am now in a difficult professional program at a respected university. The gym has filled the hole that mind-altering substances once did (though I did only just quit smoking a month ago). I live on my own and pay for my own schooling. I live frugally, but don’t want for anything, and am currently saving money. I have a great bunch of friends that I think of like family, and they treat me the same. I’m no player, but definitely above average with women now, and recently started a relationship with a close friend. The end result? While things are not as idyllic as this paragraph probably makes my life sound, I’m quite happy overall and not angry at the world anymore.
How do you get from point A to point B? By becoming a man. Becoming a man is not about what you look like or the job you do. It is not about rationalizing why it is okay to be a useless lump. It is a mindset. It is about objectively examining what you are not happy with in your life, and cutting the bullshit, rather than complaining or making rationalizations about why you’re not happy. Complaining and making excuses accomplishes nothing other than driving others that want to help you away. Becoming a man is about gritting your teeth and actually working hard to make progress on fixing your problems. Being a man is about accepting that you are not special and the world owes you nothing. It is about growing up and accepting responsibility rather than shirking it.
It’s never easy, and the setbacks can be frustrating enough to drive you to tears. But where weaker men give up and fall back into their old patterns, you must persevere, for your dreams are goals worth fighting for. I can honestly say that all the hard work I put in was well worth it, and I could never go back to living that way.
While this post may sound self-aggrandizing, that is not my purpose. I am not special. I did not do everything alone, and I am grateful for the help I received along the way from family and friends. Anyone can make these kinds of changes if they are truly determined to make positive changes. There are many posters on this board who have overcome significant adversity and flourished, many of which have probably had it much harder than you or I.
Here’s what you need to do:
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Quit fucking complaining and rationalizing. Seriously. Everybody on this board is annoyed by your attitude and nobody wants to help you anymore because of it. I’m sure it’s the same in real life.
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Put down the pipe, get off the computer, and go find a job that will put food on the table and pay the bills. No matter how shitty, no job is beneath you if that is what you need to make do.
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After you have a source of income, join some kind of physical activity that you enjoy. Also, start saving some money.
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Set realistic goals (“realistic” means they have to be achievable, and that includes accounting for setbacks), both short- and long-term. Make a plan of action about how to achieve those goals. Your plan need not be ironclad: if what you’re doing isn’t working (be patient before deciding that it’s not working), change it. That said, committing to your plan is essential.
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Find out what you need to do to get into the school you want to and do it. This includes sorting out your financials. Be realistic. Be aware that you probably aren’t going to get anywhere in psychology without a Master’s at the absolute minimum.
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Put yourself out there and talk to people in a friendly way. Don’t allow yourself to be used, but do favours for others out of genuine kindness, not because you want things from them (this is the difference between being a kind person and a “nice guy”). Most people will appreciate your kindness and reciprocate.
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Stop worrying about women. Once you get your shit together and are genuinely content with your life, then you can make this more of a priority. Your attitude is needy and insecure, and your life is in shambles. I didn’t start getting better with women until I gained enough confidence to know that I’m happy with my life and who I am, with or without women; a fun person to be with; and stopped worrying about how much I’m [not] getting laid and what others think about my sex life. While variety can be fun, this whole male culture of collecting notches reeks of insecurity. Sex is fun, and can also be a great bonding experience if it’s with someone you feel a genuine connection with. That’s it. Who fucking cares what your bros think? The guys who always talk about their lays don’t get it nearly as much as you think, trust me on that one.
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Appreciate what you’ve accomplished. There will be obstacles, but what is important is how you handle them. While you may not be progressing on all your goals at the same time, take a step back, look at the big picture, and take pride in what you have accomplished and how far you’ve come. Don’t be a dick though, acknowledge where others have helped you (always give credit where credit is due!) and let them know that you appreciate what they’ve done for you.
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Never stop growing. To stagnate is to fall behind. You don’t have to become the “self-improvement guy” who is so obsessed with growth that he doesn’t know how to let loose, but when life hands you opportunities to learn and grow, take them. It’s important to be able to look at obstacles, take them as opportunities for growth, and be able to laugh about them later. Celebrate little victories and learn from failures.
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Give back. If you’ve reached step 10, you’ve accomplished a lot. It’s an easy trap to become a pompous asshole, and we’re all guilty of this at times. To have come so far from a rough place while being able to embrace humility and show genuine kindness towards others is the mark of a real man and a great human being. Why do you think I’m trying to write this fucking incredibly personal novel of all the meaningful things I’ve learned when I have important things I should be doing?
This is what you need to do to get your shit together and move towards self-actualization. People will help (and sometimes hinder) you along your journey, but the biggest determinant of your success is YOU. Remember that while you are owed nothing, you have the potential to achieve so much more than you think can.
If you have questions or want advice to guide you through overcoming specific hurdles, I will always be here to help. I’m also always happy to hear about progress you’ve made. However, if you want to continue to post to rationalize your situation or complain about how your meager efforts were met with failure, then go shove it up your ass. I will always be willing to help someone who wants to make a genuine effort to change, but I have no sympathy for someone who just wants to wallow in self-pity.
Remember that the future is what you make it to be and that it starts today. You have all the tools you need to fix your life. Now go fucking do something about it.
