Your Sloppy Nights

fireplug52 · May 6, 2009, 4:47pm

First year of college. Went down to Seattle to hang with my punk (read punk rock, not jerk) friends. We started drinking some beers when I arrived. I had had about 5 or 6 when it was announced that we were going to go to a “scenster” party. These guys are douchey guys who could be called emo, if emo dudes had giant egos and thought they were king of all obscure music.

Anyway, fast forward to the party where I had been pounding beers (a total of about 10-11 at this point) as the party was lame. Then the insane chick nicknamed kitty whom we had brought began spitting all over this chick who had badmouthed her.

We were asked to leave. We did, but hung out in their driveway for a while so we could decide where to go next. I was super keyed up for some reason. I wasn’t angry but I got very interested in violence for some reason. I shovel hooked my (very large) buddy in the gut for no reason. Luckily for me he thought it was hilarious after he got his breath back.

Then the guys inside thought it would be a good idea to throw beer cans at us. Bad move. A friend and I charged up to their front door demanding that they fight us. They would not come out and threatened to call the police. I threw a blender through their window (don’t ask me why a blender was on their porch). We took off at that point which is the last thing I remember.

Apparently later on in the evening I locked myself in my car (passenger side) and threw up all over the floor. Good times.

What’s strange is that this is the closest I have EVER been to starting a fight, or hell even a street fight at all. Unusual behavior for me.

lostinthought · May 6, 2009, 4:50pm

[quote]BradTGIF wrote:
lostinthought wrote:
Pissed in my girlfriend’s sock drawer thinking it was the toilet. Way, drunk.

Urine asshole…

[/quote]

Awesome.

HangerBaby · May 6, 2009, 5:26pm

Woops
backing out

I’m not scum, my stories won’t stand up to this idiotic shit

Petermus · May 6, 2009, 5:43pm

I dont plan on ever getting drunk because i have many relatives and that are alcoholics…

last week my best friend was telling me how his gf (also a friend of mine) got smashed at one in the morning and started calling him and he was worried and went over to her house (were all 18) and she was drunk off her ass stumbling around outside and when he brought her inside she couldnt remember where her room was and was trying to move their very expensive tv saying her room was behind it then she ran outside and was laying in the middle of the road in the rain and finally he dragged her inside and put her on the couch and tried to leave and she kept following him outside until he ran out and locked the door and hid behind her house and she gave up.

Soz im not planning on it any time soon

BradTGIF · May 6, 2009, 5:57pm

[quote]Petermus wrote:
I dont plan on ever getting drunk because i have many relatives and that are alcoholics…

last week my best friend was telling me how his gf (also a friend of mine) got smashed at one in the morning and started calling him and he was worried and went over to her house (were all 18) and she was drunk off her ass stumbling around outside and when he brought her inside she couldnt remember where her room was and was trying to move their very expensive tv saying her room was behind it then she ran outside and was laying in the middle of the road in the rain and finally he dragged her inside and put her on the couch and tried to leave and she kept following him outside until he ran out and locked the door and hid behind her house and she gave up.

Soz im not planning on it any time soon[/quote]

Yeah you should get punctuation handled before you ever put anything with alcohol in your body.

PimpBot5000 · May 6, 2009, 6:07pm

In high school we used to go to this campground for the odd weekend and get plastered. It wasn’t a typical nature campground…more like a giant field with some trees attached to a Bohemian-type commune. I guess I was about 15 at the time. I’ve never been a big drinker, but that night something possessed me to consume an entire 26oz Smirnoff Vodka, mixed with a vomit-inducing combination of Sunny Delight and Grape soda. Like most kids of that age I started with the disgustingly sweet girly drinks.

Most of the night was a blur. I remember stumbling up to a group of girls and asking them if they “wanted to breed”. They very adamantly DID NOT. I also found my way to some dance party in a cabin with a bunch of 50 year olds.

The old man at the door wouldn’t let me in, and I remember he spoke like a 1920’s gangster for some reason, despite the fact that he was a 1990s slob concealing his gut with a T-shirt with a Walleye on it. “Say, nothing in here for you kid, SEE?!”. All his sentences were sandwiched between “Say” and “SEE?!”. Weird stuff. I finished the rest of my vodka.

What happened next was just a series of lucid flashes between hours of unconsciousness. I was lying on the ground, that much was clear. Someone had pulled my pants down, and the cool night air on my fat ass somehow balanced the discomfort of having my dick in the muddy, soggy ground and my face resting on a pile of puke made up of “Purple Dye #45” and artificial citrus flavour.

People had evidently made my ass into a target game, as graham crackers piled up and occasionally ricocheted off it. I was in no condition to object or protect myself.

The next morning, the puke around my face had absorbed into the earth and someone was decent enough to have pulled my pants up, but I wasn’t able to move. Alcohol poisoning. My head felt like some grizzled construction worker named “Big Sal” went to work on it with a jackhammer, and any attempt at motion resulted in more puking. Even the quietest of bird chirps sounded like foghorns, blasting away at my soul.

We had a group of dumpy British girls at the site next to us, which was only about 5 meters from where I had passed out. I’m talking REAL dumpy, like dark-ages grog-serving wench dumpy. No, they were not the ones I had asked to breed, in fact it was very clear that nobody had asked them to breed that night. They had the radio blaring and I heard sobbing.

Princess Diana had died.

I really had nothing against the princess at all, but the radio, sniffling and recurring “Oh Diana!”, “Oh no…Diana, no” in the high-pitched British accent was really taking its toll. Throwing any shred of diplomacy or tact out the window, I loudly and emphatically requested that they stop making noise of any kind, immediately. To me, it seemed like a reasonable request at the time.

Not to them though, they became quite livid at my insensitivity. I made several drunken remarks about the princess (I still must have had a blood alcohol level high enough to kill a yak), remarks which really made no sense in hindsight…“Oooooohh, I bet the King is REAL sad about THAT!!” and “No more tea and crumpets for the royal princess!”.

These girls came over, tears in their eyes, and began to berate me. “Look at ye, passed out in ya own sick!”, “People been throwin’ biscuits at your fat ass eh!” and so on. A steady stream of obscenities spewed from my mouth, and my friends finally had to intervene and calm the agitated fatties.

I puked all over the side of the car on the way home and had a three day hangover.

ctschneider · May 6, 2009, 6:08pm

[quote]PimpBot5000 wrote:
…
My head felt like some grizzled construction worker named “Big Sal” went to work on it with a jackhammer…
[/quote]

That description is pure gold.

fireplug52 · May 6, 2009, 7:22pm

this one time i went over to a friends house and he was all like woah dude we should go to the mall and check out the chicks and i was like no way man i already have a girlfriend (since i was 17) so instead we just started drinking and playing xbox but then his really annoying neighbor came over so i left and came home then ate some steak.

Learn to use periods. Jesus.

Curran · May 6, 2009, 8:56pm

I have a much larger collection of hilarious yet terrible drunken stories than anyone should ever have. However the one that sticks out in my mind that I ACTUALLY, kind of, slightly, fuzzily remember and wasn’t COMPLETELY retold to me after the fact is pretty good - and not the worst thing ever.

It’s July 4th weekend and my friend is having a party because her parents are out of town (I’m 17 at the time). Back in early May I had broken up with my girlfriend of almost a year who happens to be the party-thrower’s really good friend. I hadn’t talked to her since we broke up and when I got to the party and saw her there I decided I wouldn’t drink and I’d leave shortly. But… I someone got wrangled into a game of Screw the Dealer. For those of you familiar with the game you will understand this a little better. Basically the deck was only passed twice before I was not screwed, but brutally raped. I drank all the cold beers and decided in my ballsy, dumbass attitude that I would drink shots of vodka instead of sips of beer. Fast forward 30 minutues after the game - I got outside to call a girl I had been seeing and manage to fall and break my face, knee, and elbow all open and I’m bleeding a healthy amount. Come back inside and go to the bathroom to get cleaned up. Ex-girlfriend comes to the bathroom to talk. Some drunken, cocky, blunt conversation happens and the next thing I know I’m balls deep inside this girl with her butt as naked and my dick just out of my zipper. Now, I don’t know what happened but suddenly it just “clicked”. It could have been my friends pounding on the bathroom door screaming at me, or it could have been that I remembered why I broke up with her in the first place - but I suddenly had no desire to finish the job and I was quite, QUITE, angry with myself. I pull out, sit her down on the toilet, throw the bathroom door open, storm out with my dick still hanging out my pants with love juice dripping and getting all over my shorts, yelling at the top of my lungs “WHATTHEFUCKJUSTHAPPENEDWHYTHEFUCKWASIINTHEREWITHTHATBITCHIFUCKINGHATHERYOUGUYSAREALLCUNTSYOUSHOULDHAVESTOPPEDMEWHATTHEROYALFUCKYOUFUCKINGFUCKERS” I then kick a hole in the wall, put my cock away, and storm upstairs to find my friend who’s house I was at. “Sorry I just fucked her in your bathroom” “You what?” I didn’t waste anytime in further conversation, promptly turned and went back down stairs to pass out on the couch.

In the morning I had more cocks and writing drawn on me than I would have thought possible. Well deserved in the long run. Worst part about it was I had to limp home instead of riding my bike because my knee was swollen to hell.

pittbulll · May 6, 2009, 10:19pm

Went to a pool party, there was a girl there everyone called the 7th wonder of the world. We called her that because it was hard to believe such a small girl could have such large boobs. Anyhow the 7th and I got along real well and everyone was leaving and I was blitzed and the 7th and I ended up going to the Jacuzzi. As soon as my stomach submerged in the hot water, it contracted and I vomited all over the 7th wonder of the world. Needless to say I missed an opportunity that night

ronaldo7 · May 6, 2009, 10:26pm

[quote]Drizzt wrote:
Staying with the highschool theme…

I was at my buddies house. We were drinkin and smokin no big deal. Did it every weekend back then. We had to get drunk fast because his mom was on her way home. I ended up throwing back about 400ml at least of absolut. I was 150 lbs and a super light weight back then.

Well I drank a little to much; a little to fast. I ended up yaking all over his basement. I tried cleaning it up before his mom got home. Not happening. So his mom ended up helping me clean it up when she got home.

I woke up in this tiny spare bedroom in their basement… About an 8x6 room with no windows. I though I was in jail. Then my friends mom walked in with french toast, and she aparently tucked me into bed that previous night.

Still feel bad about it. We call it even though, my friend yaked all over my basement about a year previous to that.[/quote]
Was she hot?

malakuzzo · May 7, 2009, 12:40am

Holy hell… I got way too many stories… I dont think you can say you had fun unless you had ATLEAST 10 experiences that could fit this thread… where to begin???

Maybe a bottle of 151, a birthday, your cousins .22, waking up in the psychward?

Tequila another b-day party, stealing a case of beer from 7-11 and getting beat up by police then pissing out the cell and having an officer slip n fall as he comes to tell you yard gaurdian came to pick you up but keeps you cause hes now soaked in urine and not liking the “bald” comments?

Amber Bach and slapping the shit out of a RoundTable pizza manager for asking you where your Id is and your 16 and having a night of mischief that ended with broken car windows and a piss soaked car?

Milwaukees best, pissing in some kids you dont get along withs 8ball(OE), then getting jumped in the gym while your older brother is playing his league hoops then having his team get arrested for beating up the dudes that drank your piss(not to mention you pissed all over yourself)?

damn I could go on forever with this shit and thats just the highschool years… the common denominator was always “piss”. I guess some people just dont like drunk peoples piss do they?? glad we outgrew that stage.

anon31651765 · May 7, 2009, 1:42am

Oh my. There’s too many to count for me. The best ones I’m sure I don’t remember.

A good one was a couple years ago on my birthday, when all of the cocksuckers I hang out with decided that every one of them was going to buy me shots of Jameson. Some of them bought more… and when there’s 25 people there, that’s a lot of shots.

Needless to say I fell through three tables and tried to fight the bouncer, after which they swiftly threw me out. Dicks.

Another one was on St. Patrick’s Day in NYC, when a swaggering drunken Irish would have fallen off the planet if not for a metal banister that he was clinging to after…too much Jameson.

Unfortunately I made some inappropriate Jewish jokes to these girls my buddy was hitting on, which was followed promptly by another of my large tattooed friends asking one of them “Why they killed his savior.” You ain’t seen cockblocking till you seen me.

One more- on another St. Patrick’s Day in NYC, I ended up outside a bar testing my manhood with a fellow drunk by… having a contest… to see who could punch the other harder in the face. After the little… contest… I tried to reenter the bar I was in, where they hurriedly told me that I wasn’t coming back in. A friend tried to negotiate a peace between me and said bouncer, until I called him a cocksucker and tried to fight him.

My friend realized the jig was up, and so we left before i got stomped.

anon31651765 · May 7, 2009, 1:43am

[quote]malakuzzo wrote:

Maybe a bottle of 151, a birthday, your cousins .22, waking up in the psychward?

[/quote]

You throw an eight ball and three hookers in there and we got ourselves a party.

StevenF · May 7, 2009, 12:12pm

why is it whiskey is always the reason for stupid things we do when we’re drunk?

anon31651765 · May 7, 2009, 2:36pm

[quote]StevenF wrote:
why is it whiskey is always the reason for stupid things we do when we’re drunk? [/quote]

I don’t know. I swear there’s something special in that stuff that makes the drunk even drunker…

spyoptic · May 7, 2009, 3:09pm

[quote]Da Vinci wrote:
When I was 18 I was having a bad trip on acid and attacked a group of guys with my butterfly knife. My friends tried to hold me back but failed, ended up getting the knife away from me but I went after the group of them anyway. I knocked down two of them but the other two beat me over the head with their beer bottles. Thankfully my buddies got them off of me. Stay away from acid. I have other similar stories from acid use when I was younger.[/quote]

acids beautiful. except once my friend slipped me acid at a rave, and I lost 600$ cash of a drug dealers money. Ended up in Venice Beach at 5 a.m. getting drunk off our asses.

lostinthought · May 7, 2009, 3:14pm

[quote]FightinIrish26 wrote:
StevenF wrote:
why is it whiskey is always the reason for stupid things we do when we’re drunk?

I don’t know. I swear there’s something special in that stuff that makes the drunk even drunker…[/quote]

Agreed…It most certainly is a different kind of drunk. When I discovered the greatness that is Whiskey years ago I had to adjust to it and it took me a while. It used to make me a very angry drunk and I’m never that way. I got ahold of it though and now enjoy the hell out of it.

spyoptic · May 7, 2009, 3:30pm

While I was in the Marines, me and 6 others friends took a car to Santa Barbara.

Once we get there Im bored so I steal 6 lighters and a granola bar from a gas station.

no big deal so we go to a liquor store, I tell one car to keep their engine running and run out with 2 1-liter bottles of vodka.

we mixed our drinks and started walking around, there was a theater about to close so I run in, jump over the counter into their fridge, and grab handfulls of candy as two of my friends take a piss of their front door.

I black out… Next morning we’re walking around finishing the rest of the vodka. we end up in a 200 person Women For Peace rally, holding hands and chanting in front of the town hall - next thing ya know about 1,000 protesters make their way inside to have an Anti-War Rally. Now I havent been to Iraq yet at this point but I still get pissed and walk on-stage with 2 other friends, we stand by the American Flag and refuse to move. We all get a standing ovation. We say fuck this and move on…

About noonish now - walk into a gas station and steal 3 12 packs.

Go to another store, steal a camel-back system and a pair of sunglasses.

While finishing the twelve packs some of my friends are off bum hunting so I go to a store steal a tank top and a hat.

No more beer so we hit on some cougars and drink their wine.

Go into a store, steal a 300$ purse, walk out and give it to a bum.

me and 1 friend run into a bar, take two double shots of 151 and run out. 2 bartenders and 2 civilians are chasing us, I outrun them all, pass out in a bush and puke. They caught my friend and gave him a black eye but thats it. I remember seeing a patrol car but at this point its hazy.

walking back to hotel, I steal him a belt, and black out. but allegedly, went to 2 or 3 restaurants and stole a couple bottles of beer from each.

Nightime falls, go to a liquor store, buy one bottle of Jager, reach around the counter and steal a bottle of orange vodka.

Go to Santa Barbara Campus, theres a block party and Sugarcult is playing for free. two of my friends get in a fight, one of them gets a chipped tooth, the other a broken thumb. I lose them but a girl comes up to me and asks me if Ill go back to her place.

I’m stealing all her beer as shes snorting coke and not noticing. go outside and two campus security ask me for ID. I’m 19 so I try to run but too drunk and get tackled. I go into drunk tank and meet one of the friends I lost at the concert.

Similar story about Vegas but that ones longer and more difficult to explain. sneaking into pools, clubs, robbing gas stations and running out of restaurants without paying.

GetTheHIT · May 7, 2009, 3:51pm

[quote]spyoptic wrote:
While I was in the Marines, me and 6 others friends took a car to Santa Barbara.