Good luck, Malone. Hope everything works out for you.
I’m back…sort of.
Well, here I am in Cali, and things are…well…I don’t know how things are.
I have to tell you it took me a while to be able to look at the living room and not picture my wife on all fours and…nevermind. It’s hard to move into a place and be comfortable knowing what took place before you got there.
You know what, let me back up a little. My last post said I was leaving that weekend. Well, due to money and other problems I couldn’t leave. I called my wife and told her what happened and even asked to borrow a little money to help me move. She was pissed, said she can’t help, and we ended up in a big fight, and didn’t talk for the entire next week.
During this week that we didn’t talk, I didn’t know what to do. Was it really over? Does she even care? I was lost.
I try to keep myself busy with work and other activities. I went out after work one night to have a drink with a couple guys I work with. It’s a place where a lot of us from work go to drink and hang out. And I see the girl that I originally cheated on my wife with. I go to talk to her. I didn’t do it to get any ass (although it did cross my mind), I just wanted to talk to someone that kind of new the situation. We talked for a while, just me and her, and I actually got a little teary-eyed (OK, i cried, I’m a big softie).
So, I’m at a table with this chick, having a simple conversation with my eyed a little red and wet, when for some reason her boyfriend(ex?) came up and sat with us. He decides it’s OK to start running his mouth; apparantly he knows about me and his girl.
I get up to leave because I’m not in the mood to hear this guy’s drunken ramblings. As I stand up he has to call me a bitch, why do I look like I’m crying, etc.
Enough’s enough. I walk up to him and tell him to shut the fuck up right now. I’m at a point that I’m ready for him to swing or attack me and I’m not hearing what he’s saying, but I know he didn’t stop talking.
I push him. It wasn’t much, just a little pre-fight, measure-up shove. He keeps talking. I walk closer give a stronger shove. He falls back over a table onto the ground and keeps talking. My fists are clenched waiting for him to get up.
He doesn’t get up. He lays there and runs his mouth some more. I suddenly come through and realize that most of the bar is watching us and I decide I should leave before the cops get there.
I’m in the parking lot when the cops pull up. Yeah it was that fast. Damn suburbs. So they question us and he turns into Queen Pussy.
“He started it”
“He kicked a chair on me”
Whatever. I get cuffed and booked for disorderly conduct and get a $400 ticket. And I get to walk either back to the bar to get my car or home. I chose to walk home.
On the walk home I start to wonder what the hell I’m doing here. I need to get to California fast. I call her and tell her that we are both being stupid, and that I’m not going to let our marriage end like this. If it’s going to end it needs to end with me out there. So I get my check that Friday and leave on Sunday.
When I get out here I get to here what she did during the week we didn’t talk. Selfish bitch. She had another guy over. At first she tells me that they didn’t do anything, just talked, slept together, and made out. Huh? Yeah right. Stupid me, she convinced me it was true.
But even if that was true, I wondered if that bothered me more than the other guy. What’s worse meaningless sex or a long night talking and a mild bond with another guy. I’m not sure I didn’t like either one.
A couple days later I’m thinking and I wonder if she was just trying to trick me with words.
“Did you go down on him?” I aked
“Did I go down on him…no.” she responded.
“So he went down on you. I thought all you said you did was kiss…oh wait I didn’t know you meant he kissed your pussy.”
She said she didn’t want to rub it in and bring up stuff to hurt me. I just want the truth.
The funny thing is, I know I can get over it. In fact I somewhat have. We both did our deeds, let’s move on. If I didn’t get arrested, I might have been with the chick I work with one more time. It’s over, let’s get back to what we had.
So here we are now. I’m not sure how I feel. The more we talk the more I get the feeling that she isn’t fully committed to us again, yet. I know it takes time, but I’m not getting a good feeling from her side. I feel like there is a double standard in our relationship where it’s OK for her to ask me to do things she isn’t willing to do herself.
Anyway, that’s a brief recap of where I/we are right now. Honestly I don’t know if I’m going to stay out here, but if I do go back to Milwaukee, at least I know I tried to fix our marriage.
Thanks to all,
Todd
I’m not trying to be a dick, but didya see my earlier response?
This time, YOU mentioned what I already had (the image thing of “her on all fours”). Despite your comments about being able to accept her screwing someone else (or for all you know, has it been a number of someones?!!!), I repeat: ain’t no way in hell you’ll be able to get the now MULTIPLE images outta your head!!! You are really fooling yourself if you believe otherwise.
Either cut your losses now (I mean, what’s this crap about “I’ll know at least I tried” when AT BEST, you BOTH are behaving half-assed about being
committed to one another in a mature, honest, forsake-all-others-even-when [insert f’ck-up line of your choice here]…type marriage!!!), or continue to get kicked in the head and ass because of your own poor judgment. Even a blind person can see that whatever-the-hell you might have thought you had with this woman, it ain’t there no mo’.
I haven’t read one thing that makes me believe that y’all have common goals, common values, mutual love and respect, or common sense when it comes to your relationship with one another. If you both truly intend on creating a HAPPY marriage, it requires work, commitment, and compromise by both parties, and sayin’ all the right things while behaving otherwise IS A BIGGGG PROBLEM, dude (admit it - if you had known she’d screwed the second guy the night you “talked” with your ol’ one night stand, you woulda tried a li’l harder to get the one-nighter back in bed, now wouldn’t ya?).
Finis
Malatoned, I’ll keep it simple for you.
Use Love as a strength not a weakness. You can live without her and you can be happy without her and you can still lover her all at the same time. You have to look out for #1 first, if you try to be in a relationship where you are forced into doing something you don’t want to do that is a 100% clear indication that the relationship should end. All good relationships involve 2 people who do what makes them happy, and the partner is happy with any decision the other makes.
If she leaves for cali and then calls and says I’m not coming back? WTF that is definately a “This is over” Probably the only reason that she is attempting to make it work is societal pressure and the stigma of marriage and divorce. Yes she probably still loves you but it’s not the same giddy non stop cuddle love you had for the first year or so.
Tell her you love her and move on. Grab life by the balls and look at it as one big adventure. Make yourself happy and you will attract another happy person that wants to share space with you.
Vegita ~ Prince of all Sayajins
Dude, after reading the original situation, I would’ve said give it a shot; it’s worth it. I think she’s showing her true character now, whether you want to believe it or not. Someone who cares about salvaging their marriage won’t keep sleeping with other people. No one can tell you what to do, but we can tell you what we would do. I wouldn’t want to be with her if this is how she would act.
Jason
I feel for you. You’ve got to be real careful with this. It sounds like she’s playing you. I don’t know for sure, but it sounds to me like she’s been pushing you the last several months, seeing how far you will go. I’d say to give it a little longer, but there has to be some give on her part or she has lost all respect for you and is probably thinking that you are putty in her hands. Maybe she is resentful over what you did with this other girl or whatever and this is her way of exacting revenge. Just keep a clear head through all of this and try to stay positive. I think you need to get her to come clean and be honest about what she is expecting from you and how committed she is. If she isn’t willing to answer you honestly, then the relationship is already over in her mind. If it doesn’t work out, it wasn’t because of you and you will find another woman to fall for down the road. Just be strong, be true to yourself, be brutally honest with her and stand up for yourself. Don’t be afraid to tell her exactly how you feel about how she is treating you. I wish you the best of luck.
The writing is on the wall. Stop the Denial. Read the previous posts of Cardinal, Vegita, Dookie and Dollarbill for validation, if you need…these are the opinons from objective outsiders who have nothing to gain or lose by telling you what they see. It seems to me that she’s stringing you along as well as repeatedly cheating. Don’t stay with someone who does hurtful things to you. Think of yourself first.
I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like she knows that sleeping with someone else gets to you in the worst way, she also thinks you won’t leave her because of it. I think you can expect her to cheat on you just to get to you everytime you guys have a huge fight. I think you should go back to WI and start over. I know thats not as easy as it sounds, but you have to consider weather or not you are just prolonging the inevitable. In any case I hope things turn out well for you.
I guess I know it’s better for “me” to leave, but it’s hard when for five years all I’ve thought about is “us”. After re-reading every post in this thread, I think it’s time to go back home. It’s just hard to end it, you know.
As far as getting over her and other guys, I know I can, and eventually I won’t picture it everytime I sit on the couch, but it makes it even easier to picture it when I can look on the internet and see what the guys look like. One is an ex-division I NCAA football player and the other is in a small name cable television show. It doesn’t take a lot of detective work to find them on the great big web.
I know some people to just move on the first time, but I guess I was just a sucker for love. Oh well.
Late,
Todd
Malontd~
All the best of luck to you…
[quote]malonetd wrote:
I guess I know it’s better for “me” to leave, but it’s hard when for five years all I’ve thought about is “us”. After re-reading every post in this thread, I think it’s time to go back home. It’s just hard to end it, you know.
As far as getting over her and other guys, I know I can, and eventually I won’t picture it everytime I sit on the couch, but it makes it even easier to picture it when I can look on the internet and see what the guys look like. One is an ex-division I NCAA football player and the other is in a small name cable television show. It doesn’t take a lot of detective work to find them on the great big web.
I know some people to just move on the first time, but I guess I was just a sucker for love. Oh well.
Late,
Todd[/quote]
I don’t think it is ever easy to move on, but you sound like that is what you are going to do. You sound like a pretty good guy, so I’m sure things will end up in your favor. Good luck, Semper Fi, and GO PACKERS!!!
Jason
I just saw this thread for the first time just now; was out of town for the last month.
I’m glad you’ve decided to move on. It’s rough. Hang in there, man.
BUT:
I know you mentioned above the reasons why you like Milwaukee and the midwest. I’m just curious, do you really prefer WI climate over that of CA??
FYI, I grew up in Milwaukee. Specifically, I spent the first 18 years of my life in West Allis. So I’m not trying to bust your chops or anything. For me, I much prefer the friendliness and the usual lack of pretense of the people in the Midwest, but man, there’s some seriously fat chicks up there. And as I got older, the appeal of the winter became less and less. I couldn’t imagine being 80 years old and still living in my old neighborhood just off the corner of HWY 100 and Oklahoma Ave.
One thing I like about CA and the Southwest is that, for me, it’s more conducive to fitness-related activities. It’s a hell of a lot easier to jog and do outdoorsy stuff when it never freezes outside. But, for now, my job is based out of Chicago so I’m itching to return to where my family is now, Los Angeles and Las Vegas.
Anyway, sorry for hijacking. Just rambling…
I’ll just add a few quick thoughts here.
First, the Packers; there’s obviously some sort of karma thing going on here. This season the Pack is 1-0 when I’m in Milwaukee, and 0-2 when I’m not. They need me in Wisconsin. Also, my last full football season in Wisconsin was 1996, when they won the Superbowl. I spent most of 1997 there as well, before I left for boot camp, and they made it to the Superbowl, but lost.
Second is the Wisconsin climate. Honestly, I was scared about this being my first winter in seven years. I was freezing when it got below 70 degrees. But, at the same time, I missed snow and winter and all that comes with it.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the year round weather that southern California has to offer, but I don’t like that much else out here.
Another big issue in the Midwest vs. West Coast debate is housing costs. I want to own a home, and soon; with or without my wife. In California, it’s not even an option right now; unless I want to live in some remote desert community. I pretty much have unlimited options in the Midwest. Also, I prefer older, large bungalow style houses that you can’t find in Cali. And california houses don’t have basements! Where am I going to put my bar?
Yeah, there are a lot of hot girls in Cali, but there’s hot girls everywhere, you just have to look. One thing I don’t like about Cali girls is that a great percentage of them are the same little fashion clones. You know; Von Dutch gear, little shorts with brand names on their asses, the same hairstyles; they all look the same. Not that they don’t look good, but have some originality. Be and think for yourself. I guess that happens everywhere, but it just seems so dominant in SoCal.
One thing I do need to stop doing is comparing every girl I see to my wife. I base what I’m attracted to on her looks. But, that’s because she is typical of what I’m attracted to; brown skin(she’s mexican), dark hair, dark eyes, etc.
Over the summer I would look at a girl and think, “She looks like Liz, she’s kinda hot.” I guess it’s hard to even picture myself with another girl right now. So, if any girls out here in t-nation want to volunteer to help me forget and move on…I’m kidding(sort of).
Again, thanks to all those that took the time to read and post, and thanks to those that wished me well. I appreciate it.
Going, going, back, back to Ca…Milwaukee,
Todd
hey Todd- go over to Building a Better Body-I have a surprise for you!!!-Julianne
Let me start by apologizing to Julianne for missing out on a wonderful opportunity. I’m sorry, I have a lot going on right now that has left me away from my computer.
Well, I am back in Milwaukee and I’ve been back for about a week now. I talked to my wife before leaving about any chance of fixing us and getting counselling(which she has twice rejected the idea); all I wanted to hear was that she wanted me to stay. Instead, she says, “I don’t love you.”
“I don’t love you.” I have to say those are some of the hardest words to hear, especially coming from your wife. So, now I try to move on.
Let me back up and say that when I left for California to “fix things” I left my car with my brother so I could fly and hurry up and get out there. I figured either myself or my wife and I could have flown back to get the car in a couple weeks. No big deal.
So i get back and can’t get a hold of my brother. He’s in jail. My car was seized by police. He used my car as the getaway car in an armed robbery. Thanks, bro.
So I come back to Milwaukee with no job, no wife, no place to live, very little money, and now I can’t have my car for at least a week. What a great summer.
Well, the DA, or whoever made the decision, finally said I can have my car back. So now I at least have that. I’m also taking a low paying job, just so I can have something and start working immediately. And that’s OK since all I have to support is myself now. And I should have my apartment by November 1st. So things are slowly looking up.
I really miss Liz, but I’m getting over it. I found out when I was out there, that she lied to me about what all happened this summer. And she conyinues to lie. But I still miss her.
I really need to keep myself busy, otherwise she is all I think about. I guess that’s what’s good about the gym; it keeps my mind off everything else.
Anyway, I’m moving on with my life and taking care of myself. I will probably continue to post here as a sort of therapy for myself. Thanks to all those that read and offered support.
I’ll be back,
Todd
Damn dawg, you’ve had a rough couple a months. I think that in break ups there’s kind of that “seven step” rule like the alcholics have except it’s like 5 steps:
the break up-anger and sadness balled up into one.
the mourning period-still sad, sometimes wishing someone would run you over and put you out of your misery. You may look at pictures or gifts that she gave you over the years with longing.
hopeful period-you think maybe you might be able to get back together if you can just say the right things, but often these conversations just leave you pissed off.
hatred-funny how quickly love can turn to hate. You burn her pictures and/or teddy bear.
acceptance-you move on, hopefully bang a couple of hotties on the way to another relationship if only to put yourself through the same pain again.
Some people will traverse this quicker than others, length of relationship and personalities are contributing factors. Nothing that a bottle of Jack and a couple of college students paying their tuition by stripping can’t cure.
Hey Todd,
I have been more or less 3 years ago where you are now (without the brother thing though, I must admit). So I decided to look at my life, made quite a few changes as I had changed due to my experiences and got on with it. And now my life is better than ever before. I still sometimes miss my ex-girlfried (of almost 10 years), and so will you, but I promise that will get better.
I wish you all the best - stay true to yourself and I am sure you will be fine.
Makkun
Todd: slimjim is a man of wisdom. Listen to him. I’d also through a couple of Sam Kinison stand-up tapes in there, too. Stay strong, brother!
Good luck, bro. We are all here for you. Try to remember that, in the end, this will make you a stronger person.