Just be nice.
Women don’t realize that females are generally not kind to most males (more like tolerable) for whatever reason. When you actually meet a lady that shows true kindness towards you, it really sets the alarm off inside a guy’s head. You will be on his mind for sure.
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
I had a dream last night that he was wearing a strange uniform and I thought it was for a private school, but it turned out the uniform was for an eating contest…That’s what I was going to tell him next time I saw him. You way sounds slightly more normal.
BUT I did think he would be flattered that I had a dream about him, heh.
[/quote]
Maybe flattered, but it does nothing to give him the “respect” he desires and does not make you desireable. It would make you “available” perhaps, but a handsome guy has lots of “available” girls around.
[quote]
I just wish I could talk normal though, it all sounds good on paper (computer screen), but I get very blushy and flustered and my words don’t come out smooth at all. [/quote]
Smooth is unnecessary in this process. A certain amount of anxiety is good, in fact.
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
I just wish I could talk normal though, it all sounds good on paper (computer screen), but I get very blushy and flustered and my words don’t come out smooth at all. [/quote]
You are not a man.
You can be flushed and flustered and shy and whatnot.
Something that really helped me get out of my head, and deal with social anxiety was Toastmasters. Most people think of it as just public speaking, but it is more-so geared to making, and developing you as a better communicator. Getting better at anything in life is just a product of repitition, and the reason you (and me) feel nervous in some situations is just because you haven’t been exposed to it as often as others.
I get very blushy & flustered, but by facing what makes me most nervous, rather than embracing it, I’ve learnt to handle my nerves (not eliminate them), and in the worst case scenarios, to embrace being that “red-faced, sweaty guy”.
As was said before, most women can be very cold when first meeting men. I think most men would find it cute if you were visibly flustered around them. It’s something for you to embrace, rather than to run from.
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
OMG that all sounds wonderful!!!
I had a dream last night that he was wearing a strange uniform and I thought it was for a private school, but it turned out the uniform was for an eating contest…
I just wish I could talk normal though, it all sounds good on paper (computer screen), but I get very blushy and flustered and my words don’t come out smooth at all. [/quote]
picture him in one of your favorite superhero/barbarian/sci-fi costumes and you’ll be fine.
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
Oh and here’s a bit of a back story to explain my life situation a bit:
A few years ago I was living on my own in an apartment while working/going to school.
I did not need to drive because everything was literally a 10 min walk from my house, perfect right?
Well life was pretty awesome, but I was busy every day and almost never saw my kid (he was with my parents when i worked or during school time).
I could see him every free moment, but that all changed once he started going to school.
I worked weekends and evenings and went to school in the evenings and it was starting to really get to me.
Then summer holiday’s came and we spent TONS of time together and I felt so much better, but school was going to be starting up again and I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t have my parents continue to raise my own kid. So I told him he was going to be changing schools and he was going to live with me and not stay at my parents place anymore.
Well needless to say it broke his heart that he had to change schools. He wouldn’t talk to me for days and the guilt was tearing me up inside. I also felt guilty for not being there enough over the years so on like August. 30th I decided to move back in with my parents and now I’m kinda stuck there. I want to find a place to live here, but like I said, it’s crazy expensive. Twice what I would pay for an apartment in edmonton. It’s something that I am working towards, but honestly this is just where I am at right now whether I like it or not.
I still think I’m a good person and deserve to find a man regardless of my shitty life situation. [/quote]
Hello Spock,
I’ll probably not make it thru the entire thread so apologies if I say something other people have said.
From your description of your situation it may well be that your dissatisfaction with it comes through and men might feel a little put off by it if you are not able to rise above it in your attitude. Your vibe might be a little depressed and that can be scary. I’m just speculating,
but from what I’ve read and experienced guys love to approach women when something about her zings them.
It may well be that you have not zinged or been zinged, but given your feelings about where you are it may only happen when you are actually living your life rather than waiting to live it once you’ve moved, because you’ll be freer to be who you really are in real life rather than just on the computer.
On the other hand, maybe everybody’s busy.
Perhaps you simply need to practice a few things, so here are a couple of suggestions since you are clearly Searching For a Man.
Go on a couple of speed-dating evenings. Don’t try to look for anyone, just get happy with the conversational aspects of the night and saying what you actually want and who you are to various men.
You might surprise yourself! Regard it a the elevator pitch version of Spock. 
If you’re a nerd, check out some local events and just pop in. Many towns have free events.
Pick something low key - farmers’ market, festival workshop, a weekend hike with a local club, even a seminar on fitness or lifting.
Short events that can kickstart some contact with people who are just there to enjoy themselves, and you might communicate at a whole different level - enjoyment.
It sets free some good stuff.
So about the makeup/clothing issue.
If you’re a nerd you’re probably a quick study.
So -being frugal of course - go to the library and get a bunch of fashion magazines.
Give yourself a time limit, like you do with training.
In two hours, look through a whole bunch of mags - see what you like and don’t like.
After that check out a makeover show that used to be on called
What Not to Wear.
Free episodes online so won’t cost you anything.
This show had two friendly hosts that really knew how to break down the clothing choices and fashion principles that guide people in buying clothes. Don’t worry about what they chose for the makeover women (and some men), they explain things like shape, textures, visual stuff, clothing structure, the way clothes sit on the body.
If you block watch a few of these, you can master this in a couple of nights.
They made over some serious nerds, so you can probably identify.
And they had a makeup expert teach discreet quick makeup to highlight your best features.
I saw your photo and your features/skin are lovely. You really don’t need anything much, just a little enhancement for festive occasions.
If you Google “how to highlight your best features”, you’ll get a bunch of great websites
and youtube videos that will show you reasonably quickly how to deal with that area.
IT’s knowing what suits you and what doesn’t, what you want to highlight (eyes, lips, skin).
It can often come down to 2 lipsticks, an eyeliner and a big smile.
Or some great sunscreen/foundation and a dramatic lipstick. Yes, there are concepts like "drama’.
None of this has to be expensive once you know what your’e looking for - you could find it in a thrift shop, a garage sale or a boutique.
A great book is "How to look Expensive Andrea Lustig I think.
Breaks down a lot of processes, great read and pics and she has expensive AND frugal options for everything she recommends.
I’ve found a lot of this works in terms of understanding the shape and structure of garments.
Stuff you think you know til you really look at it.
Anyway, have fun - and try to do one enjoyable thing regularly - people often pair up in these sorts of regular-meeting groups and you get to know someone with no pressure.
Oh, and I’ve jus seen that post with the guy you liked!! LOL! Good luck!!
Hi Jewbacca,
this post is completely off topic, but had no idea how to PM you.
Thought you’d appreciate this:
http://www.newenglishreview.org/blog_email.cfm/blog_id/51600
Apologies Spock!
[quote]nighthawkz wrote:
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
I am the most genuine mother fucker I know.
I am not materialistic
I would never COULD NEVER cheat, despite what 99% of you on this site think about all women because we’re all the same, aren’t we?
NOPE
[/quote]
Spock, let me first state that all of this may be true. And, as someone who is dating a slightly overweight girl who is, however, an awesome person with a gorgeous face, let me state that I don’T think you need implants and/or super low bodyfat.
However, the list you just wrote (and which I am quoting) reminds me of this article:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person_p2/
“For the rest of you, I want you to try something: Name five impressive things about yourself. Write them down or just shout them out loud to the room. But here’s the catch – you’re not allowed to list anything you are (i.e., I’m a nice guy, I’m honest), but instead can only list things that you do (i.e., I just won a national chess tournament, I make the best chili in Massachusetts). If you found that difficult, well, this is for you, and you are going to fucking hate hearing it. My only defense is that this is what I wish somebody had said to me around 1995 or so.”
The issue is that you are a nice girl, good looking, compassionate - but no one who’s really worth it ever gets to know you to an extent where he can appreciate this. Is it a lack of ‘game’? Nah, I doubt it. In spite of what orion may say, pulling someone who’s relationship material doesn’t require that much game - you shouldn’t try to trick them into it.
You should, however, be aware of who you are and what you want, be able to present yourself (I actually mean your character. I think you look pretty enough) and know how to respond. Those are social skills and learning them can be very hard, but that’s really the root of the problem - presenting yourself and social skills.[/quote]
Hence my suggestion with the speed-dating sessions to practice conversation and presentation.
Good advice here!
Thanks for all the advice!
I don’t really think I act depressed in real life. I am typically pretty friendly/bubbley with everyone, but who knows what kind of vibe I give out…
UPDATE:
Lifting, sign-in boy came in last night and he told me he found a post office. <MAYBE HE’S INTENTIONALLY MAKING CONVERSATION?> He said it was a few blocks away.
I said…
“MAIL IS WONDERFUL!!!”
Yes, Jenn, mail is wonderful…
He didn’t really say anything because what do you say to that? THen I was all shakey putting on his wrist band and it was awkward.
But today’s a new day!
he could be just as nervous as you.
I love this thread.
First off, I really hope this works out for you. Although a “good looking young guy” is less likely to be available/more likely to be taken than a “bald middle aged guy”.
In case it doesn’t, THIS (see bold font below) is whats happening with you and the “losers” (your own words) you’ve been trying to get into a relationship with thus far. They likely SENSE that you subconsciously consider yourself “out of their league” based on the wayy you interact with them. Basically, they see it more as “bored soccer mom gives out of shape plumber a pity fuck” than anything else.
As a woman, trying to get into a relationship with someone you’re NOT sexually attracted to will not work. You’ll subconsciously keep putting yourself up on a pedestal based on your self-perceived (and forum encouraged) physical attractiveness as well. People can read that.
The dating “dead zone” - When a person is NOT “attractive” enough to land a relationship with those that he/she considers attractive; but at the same time (subconsciously) sends DONT DATE ME signals to those that he/she is not attracted to!
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
So at work there’s this really good looking boy who signs the weight lifting duotang. Duo-tang.
You are attracted to a REAL person other than bald guy for the first time since last april!!
[/quote]
[quote]super saiyan wrote:
[quote]Jewbacca wrote:
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
So at work there’s this really good looking boy who signs the weight lifting [/quote]
Spock:
I am going to tell you the secret of having a relationship with this guy. Or any guy, for that matter. Oddly enough, it’s a secret found in the Talmud that has been borne out in psychological testing, including the “how boys think” book referenced by PowerPuff.
Here is the logic underlying the secret:
Men want to be respected above all. More important to a man to be respected, even feared, than loved.
Girls want to be desired above all.
An important aspect of No. 1 is a man’s fear of approach, in that a rejection is a blow to respect.
Here is the secret:
Give the man an approach angle where his fear of rejection is minimized and you show him respect. You will most likely become an object of his desire, in that being respected is his desire.
Here is how to play this in your situation:
He comes in to the gym. You say, “Hey _____. I have noticed you squatting. You have really good form and are very impressive. I really respect guys who hit legs hard like that, it shows character.”
He will respond positively. May ask you for coffee in a day or so.
Or, follow up with: “I have problems with coming out of the box at the bottom of the squat because my left knee caves in (or whatever). Can you help me with that sometime?”
The rest is up to you.
[/quote]
I like this idea. I think we should all come up with some similar lines Spock can use next time she sees this guy.
“Hey _____. I have noticed you have eyebrows. I really respect guys who have eyebrows, it shows character.”
“Hey _____. I have noticed you haven’t murdered anyone at the gym. I really respect guys who obey the law, it shows character.”
“Hey _____. I have noticed you have character. I really respect guys who have character, it shows character.”
[/quote]
I have stayed out of this thread but SS…fucking lol man, fucking lol
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
Thanks for all the advice!
I don’t really think I act depressed in real life. I am typically pretty friendly/bubbley with everyone, but who knows what kind of vibe I give out…
UPDATE:
Lifting, sign-in boy came in last night and he told me he found a post office. <MAYBE HE’S INTENTIONALLY MAKING CONVERSATION?> He said it was a few blocks away.
I said…
“MAIL IS WONDERFUL!!!”
Yes, Jenn, mail is wonderful…
He didn’t really say anything because what do you say to that? THen I was all shakey putting on his wrist band and it was awkward.
But today’s a new day! [/quote]
I second speed dating for nothing but conversational practice!
Also, can you guys see what’s happening? Bald guy is out of the picture, so next decent looking guy who spoke with her is instantly being thrown into the fantasy realm and built up.
Jenn you have to learn to stop falling for people and just interact with them, in fact the best time to go out with people is when you know them least. You have a tendency to build up expectations of people in your head that they can never really live up to, then be upset when they don’t live up to the xxx disney version of them you created.
Do yourself a favour, when he comes in next say “So when are we going for coffee?”
If he names a date that’s awesome.
If he says he has a girlfriend say “Fair enough, she has good taste”
If he politely blows you off with something like “let me think about it” then just say “no problem, let me know if you’re interested”.
Best case you two go out and it’s awesome, worst case you find out he’s not able/interested in a low stakes fashion and don’t waste time creating a fantasy that’s going to get your hopes up then dashed.
STU
Actually the worst case probably involves a “Hostel” style tortured end to your existence but I doubt that’s going to happen.
[quote]Sturat wrote:
[
Do yourself a favour, when he comes in next say “So when are we going for coffee?”
[/quote]
There aren’t enough fans in the world that could blow on me to make me able to say that. Nincompoop.
And stop saying Disney fantasies.
He is never a prince charming in my head and I am never a princess.
I would say more like Luke & Lorelai/Gilmore girl’s ESQ., but whatever.
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
[quote]Sturat wrote:
[
Do yourself a favour, when he comes in next say “So when are we going for coffee?”
[/quote]
There aren’t enough fans in the world that could blow on me to make me able to say that. Nincompoop.
And stop saying Disney fantasies.
He is never a prince charming in my head and I am never a princess.
I would say more like Luke & Lorelai/Gilmore girl’s ESQ., but whatever. [/quote]
The point is that we need to get you to that place where you can ask something like that!
If you’re always waiting for guys to ask, and in the mean time not only giving no non-verbal cues that they should but in fact actively showing disinterest in being talked to/approached/asked out you’re not ever going to have a lot of success.
What happens if you ask? Why can’t you ask? What can possibly go wrong with asking? He ruins your fantasy by not being available? now you know, move on. Welcome to life as a guy.
Well its worse for a guy. Most girls will say yeah, then blow you off or give a bad phone number lol. False hope man. It’s worse than rejection.
[quote]ZJStrope wrote:
Well its worse for a guy. Most girls will say yeah, then blow you off or give a bad phone number lol. False hope man. It’s worse than rejection.[/quote]
Stop “hoping” and keep doing. “Hope” is for the weak.
Sorry but my sides ripped in two at “mail is wonderful”. I would have found that incredibly funny and would have continued that convo but I guess he was flustered by it.
Anyway, maybe he got a chuckle out of it or he thought it was sarcastic but either way, back on the horse and see of the next one “gets” you.