I did contact an administrator to please remove this post, but since it is still here, and there are surprisingly responses after my last post, I do have the need to let the last few posts know that I have read your posts.
I know that it takes time and effort to reply, and I don’t want any of the nice people here to think it was for nothing. I take everything seriously, especially with this web site, because I have done many of my routines from it.
The best nutritional advice was carb cycling, until I found better results after I took all the carbs and fats out out, and save for one day where I can eat what I want. It’s kind of like ud2. i didn’t mind going a few days restricted because I knew I’d be able to up the ante.
I see now that most of you are trying to help, and I appreciate it.
All I ask for is positivity and encouragement.
I do have a lot of problems, but I am trying to keep them private. A lot of it spilled out, and I am ashamed of myself. What does anyone care if I get hurt? and if I do, it’s my problem anyway. ell, I have too many problems and I don’t need any more to add.
I HAVE to stay positive, because my mom needs it the most. She has been battling cancer for five years. I cannot stand the fact that I cannot fix her or control what is happening to her. I stay up all night routinely checking on her every hour.
I make sure I am done with everything just so when she wakes up I am there for her, even if she doesn’t need me, I want to be ready and available. there are times I have to pick her up, because she refuses to be in bed all day. Then, I follow her - with giving her space - as she insists on cleaning the house, I watch her on the stairs, especially. Her legs are gone, and her knees are blown out.
My once 110 pound mother is now almost 200 pounds from the treatments. It is not easy to hear her cry, especially since my father died. I put her first, or at least i try to do that.
Why did I put that? Because through it all, I keep a smile on my face, and I am happy to do it. I am not as miserable as you think I may be. I am not miserable at all. This is not a pity party. Maybe you all need to know who i am. I just didn’t feel like explaining anything. I have other people I do that with. I also have God, and that is how I do it all.
Now, a lot of you think I am some rickity skeleton, or over weight. I just weighed myself, even though I didn’t think it was a good idea, I just thought to myself, let’s just see, it’s just a number that doesn’t mean much.
The last time I weighed myself was 2 years ago. I was 145. Now I am 166. am 5’7. I also measured my biceps…11 inches on the left and 12 inches on the right. Last time I measured them was actually before my birthday 7 months ago- and they were 9 and 10 inches. I have to say I was surprised.
That’s all I thought I needed to see to make sure i am not underweight, which I all ready knew, but the slightest doubt, even from strangers in a forum, makes me wonder what things are.
As long as i have striations, I am happy. One day I will be bigger, i am bigger now than I was 7 months ago. A VERY intelligent friend, who actually introduced me to T-Nation once said to me: Willie, if you can let go of striations for a while you will go beyond what you think you are capable of. I know he is right. i know a lot of you are right. It takes me time to process.
There are a lot of things he told me such as:
one day you will not have an actual program, and you will be able to work out instictively
-i thought he was crazy. i didn’t even understand that. Just last summer I “got it” - that was 5 years later.
he told me one day i will not be writing down every thing I eat and counting every calorie/macro nutrient -3 years later, I was able to stop tracing every single thing.
I have done a lot of different diets and routines through the years. All with success. The one common thing: always hungry. Even after a “refeed” I want more. I know better than that. I once allowed myself to eat as much as i wanted for a week.
I was never full. Even after passing out from eating so much, I’d wake up ready for more. I can guarantee you that if I didn’t control this, i would be that one ton guy they get out of the house with a fork lift.
I do not think being fat is a bad thing, in fact I sometimes envy over weight people, but being there a few times, myself, I just don’t like that feeling knowing that I am better than that. I do not like being skinny, either.
It’s just as gross and nerve wracking. At least with muscle all the pain is worth it. It’s the middle and even. Even as “good” as i think I am now, I am better than this. It just takes time and patience.
As for my goals, my striation goal does not need to be reached.
As for size, no i am not there. One day, even if I am 70 or 80, I will be there. Maybe one day I’ll be over straitions for a while and REALLY gain some mass.
I really hope everyone sees this post before it gets deleted. The last few posts were nice.
Now, I have a lot to process.
I most likely wrote more than I intended to, but I will realize later that I may have opened my mouth again and will feel strange about it and want to take things back. I have the tendency to be too trusting. It’s because I have learned so much from tnation, and I think there might be more to it.
Please, if anyone posts, be nice. It is a strange thing for me to ask, and it is not necessary for me to ask, but I know a lot of people out there aren’t nice. For these people, just find someone else to not be nice with. For the nice people, thanks for your kindness.
Willie