What to Know About California

Dumb California Law

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a

tavern, school, or place of worship.

Bathhouses are against the law.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Women may not drive in a house coat.

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

Arcadia

Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Alhambra

You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Baldwin Park

Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Belvedere

City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash.”

Blythe

You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlingame

It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

Carmel

Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)

Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Chico

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

Downey

It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

Hollywood

It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

Lafayette

You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lodi

It is illegal to own or sell “Silly String”.

Lompoc

It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

Long Beach

Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

Los Angeles

It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

You may not hunt moths under a street light.

It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

Toads may not be licked.

It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

Zoot suits are prohibited.

Ontario

Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Pacific Grove

Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

Palm Springs

It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena

It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale

Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands

Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

Riverside

One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.

San Diego

It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

San Francisco

Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.

Persons classified as “ugly” may not walk down any street.

It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

San Jose

It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

Santa Monica

You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Temecula

Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

A short story…

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

I think I Posted those on the Politically Incorrect Thread!!!

man I love those jokes.

You Know You’re In California When…

The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

You were born somewhere else.

You know how to eat an artichoke.

The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

Your car has bulletproof windows.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

Your mouse has only one ball.

You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

Your family tree contains ‘significant others’.

Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.

You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

More than clothes come out of the closets.

When ‘the Dead’ are best live.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

Smoking in your office is not optional.

When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must ‘do lunch’.

Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

When all highways into the state say: ‘no fruits’.

All highways out of the state say: ‘Go back’.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:
I think I Posted those on the Politically Incorrect Thread!!!

man I love those jokes.

[/quote]

i did see some of them, they were funny too. but, still here’s a brief history lesson

edit: double checked the jokes thread and you didn’t have the driver license application

LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER’S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: .
If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain:
________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you’re not sure what “rain” is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

I seriously hate driving in the rain. I consider it a “snow day” and think I should stay home until the roads are safe and dry.

California Recall Jokes

It looks like it’s going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Gray Davis. You got a robot from the future or a robot with no future." �??Jay Leno

“Six women have come forward that say Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. This proves he would be a hands-on governor.” �??Jay Leno

“I have two questions about Arnold Schwarzenegger. What does he know, and when will he know it?” �??Bill Maher

“A lot of critics are saying Arnold can’t get elected because he’s just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn’t know anything about running the government. Didn’t hurt George Bush.” �??Jay Leno

“Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration’s positions on civil liberties in the original German.” �??Bill Maher, on Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Here’s how bad California looks to the rest of the country. People in Florida are laughing at us.” �??Jay Leno

“(Gray Davis) said there was going to be a deficit and there was, though larger than he expected. Bush said there was going to be a surplus and there’s a $400 billion deficit. And he’s the hero. I guess Gray Davis missed the part where you invade Oregon.” �??Comedian Will Durst

“In order to comply with this equal time rule, TV stations in California cannot run any of Arnold’s movies between now and the election because it would be like giving him free publicity. And because it would be free publicity for Gray Davis, they cannot show the movie ‘Dean Man Walking.’” �??Jay Leno

“California has gone insane. According to the latest poll, Arnold Schwarzenegger is leading in California’s governor’s race by 34 points. You can tell that Governor Gray Davis is worried because he spent all day yesterday working on his pecs.” �??Conan O’Brien

“An NBC News poll has found that if the election were held today, 31% of California voters would vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger and 26% were not sure. Today Gray Davis announced he is changing his name to ‘Not Sure.’” �??Jay Leno

Earlier in the week, Governor Gray Davis and former president Bill Clinton made a joint appearance at an elementary school here in Los Angeles. Actually it was kind of embarrassing �?? Davis lost all of the kids’ lunch money and Clinton had sex with their teacher." �??Jay Leno

“Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.” �??Conan O’Brien

“The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That’s insane. I mean, think about it, this guy Cruz Bustamante has never even been in a movie.” �??David Letterman

“Apparently 26 years ago, Arnold gave an interview to Oui magazine about his sex life. The good news is that Arnold is married to Maria Shriver and now that he’s had a sex scandal, the Kennedy family has finally accepted him.” �??Jay Leno

“Eunice Kennedy Shriver, President Kennedy’s sister, endorsed Arnold Schwarzenegger, said he’s not a womanizer. Of course by Kennedy standards that means he never drove one off a bridge.” �??Bill Maher

“An old interview of Arnold Schwartzenegger has surfaced where he admits to smoking a lot of pot and having sex with hookers. Finally a Republican all Californians can get behind.” �??David Letterman

“Arnold Schwarzenegger has come out against gay marriage. He said marriage is a sacred union between a groupie and any number of body builders.” �??Bill Maher

“So, Arnold chooses to dispel rumors of misogyny by implying that he will kill Arianna Huffington in his next movie.” �??Jon Stewart, after Schwarzenegger said he had a perfect role for Huffington in “Terminator 4”

[quote]OctoberGirl wrote:

I seriously hate driving in the rain. I consider it a “snow day” and think I should stay home until the roads are safe and dry.

[/quote]

good excuse not to go to work

1

3

4
i think this pic is funny

5
arnold the pimp

more pics tomorrow

[quote]Jetric9 wrote:

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.[/quote]

I think my late motorcycle (sportbike) broke the law like that, before it ceased to exist.

okay then. California … w00t. I live here, don’t eat sushi…workout when I can. Bottled water is convenient, especially nursing a hangover. Its not necessary though…bottled water. Its just what they want the immigrants to believe so they keep buying bottled tap water. The waters not safe hombre. Just like in your country. Little do they know, its as safe as safe gets.

I heart California…yes I do appreciate tomatoes and kidney beans in my chili. What the fuck else is gonna go in? Just beef? The kind of beef as I passed Bakersfield, that looked like Auschwitz? I called it Cowshwitz. Alright then I’ll take an order of that hot as hell. That’s how I like my chili. No Texan is gonna show me up or make me look like a punk over chili. Hell no. Cmon… were both used to spicy shit aren’t we? I won’t eat a tamale with the casing on, but I’m not buying no shit Rosarita made in her bath tub either. I’m plenty polite, I still wave at people that let me merge on my freeways. Whether they drive a truck or not, I don’t give a hell.

Cali over Texas anyday… even with the liberal bullshit…the rest more than make up for it.

California here we come, right back where we started from…

[quote]Jetric9 wrote:

You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Baldwin Park
[/quote]

Most cities in the country have a law similar to this.

And I miss California. Especially now with 18 inches of snow on the ground.

my state can kick your state’s ass

[quote]Jetric9 wrote:
my state can kick your state’s ass[/quote]

haven’t you ever seen surf ninjas? we have them here. ;>