[quote]AccipiterQ wrote:
holy shit this took off…her’es waht si was thinking
October 21, 2008
I�??m so lonely. When I was growing up the only things that mattered to me were the friends I was surrounded with, the girl I was going out with, and the quality of the life I led. Prestige, money, power, none of that ever mattered to me. I was proud of the way I excelled in school unlike anyone else I�??ve known. But it wasn�??t the be-all end-all for me. I always was cognizant of what really mattered to me, the friends, girl, family, etc. Yet here I am 27, and I still don�??t have a group of friends that I trust, or even any that have shown me that I can trust them. I�??ve never had a real relationship, I�??ve never even had a girl be interested in me really. I see girls on my IM list leave up happy away messages about going to see some guy they�??re dating, or here them excitedly call some guy they�??re seeing. I�??ve never had anyone do anything even that small with me. No one�??s ever been excited to be with me, or even wanted to be with me. I�??m not saying I�??m surrounded by people in happy relationships, I know just as many people that seem to get dragged down by theirs, as those that have it add something to their lives. But even those who are in miserable ones now at some point have had something happy. Just a taste would be amazing. To live for even a week knowing that there was someone out there who thought about me from time to time or got all happy when I called, that would be amazing. The simplest things; they escape me.
It�??s not like I�??ve �??choked�?? or I act different with girls, it just hasn�??t happened, and it always goes the same no matter what I do or say or how I act. I�??m out of ideas. People say �??oh don�??t look and it�??ll find you�??. Bull. There�??s 7 billion people on Earth and that might�??ve worked for 1% at most. I�??ve tried not looking. I�??ve tried looking. I�??ve tried throwing myself out there, putting my best foot forward, be yourself, be mysterious, accentuate your good qualities, don�??t try too hard, don�??t act desperate, be chivalrous, be aggressive, be brusque, don�??t try anything at all, and every other hollow platitude that people throw out there for advice. It doesn�??t work. I go out, I talk about what I do now, where I came from a bit, what I want to do with my life, anything fun or out of the ordinary I�??ve done lately. I find common ground with the girl, things we both like to do, music we both like, etc. None of it works. None of it matters. No matter what I do the only people that even want a 2nd date with me usually turn out to be total losers; coke addicts (I find out later) or shit like that. Even they run after 1 or 2 times.
It used to be that after taking a break from dating I would come back a month or two later, and it would take things going awful with 5 or 6 girls. Then it was 4 or 5, now it�??s like 2 or 3. Baggage is something you carry with you when you�??re not in that situation anymore. I don�??t have any right now because when I stop dating or thinking about it, it goes away. But that buffer is being eroded. Pretty soon it�??ll just be there constantly. Then whenever I go on a date or anything like that it�??ll be there in my attitude. Instead of giving each girl a chance, instead of being happy to meet someone new like I am every time I go out with someone now, it�??ll just be hanging around my neck. I may be right on that tipping point now after the latest girl showed she wasn�??t interested. The thought of going on another date, talking to another person and talking about my plans, what I�??ve done recently for fun, what I�??ve done for school, all that stuff�?�it just makes me nauseous. This is usually where�??d I decide it�??s time to take a few months off. But it feels deeper this time, like something in me has been squashed out of existence. Instead of feeling a little burnt out, I feel dead.
I am just so lonely and so tired.
I mean I just can�??t believe how poorly my life has gone. I have so many skills and was doing so well in every other area, and none of it mattered because at the very core, the things I cared about, I never really had. It�??s not like I ignored the fact and tried to cover it with work or school either. I was aware of it the whole time, and would work on it, and try to seek what I wanted, but even when I found it, it never wanted me back. I always say I want to live 104 years so that I can see a century encapsulated and see everything that�??s happened. But now when I look back at the things I�??ve written before I don�??t even feel any nostalgia or anything at all, just numb. I want to sleep for 40 years now, or just turn to dust and sleep forever.
[/quote]
Out of all of this…sigh. You are still stuck in the same old patterns. Do you really think that taking a month off from meeting girls is really going to solve your problems? If you are attracting the same old stuff then you haven’t done anything different.