What Business is it of Yours Where I'm From, Friendo?

[Spock81]

k pretty good today

ropey cable pull down
20lbs x 2 sets of 20 w/pause at the bottom
25lbs x 12/w pause at the bottom
30lbs x 10
35lbs x 8
1 drop
20lbs x 20

one arm DB row
60lbs
x 10arm
x 10arm
x 10*arm

block pullz (off bumper plates )
185lbs x 6
205lbs x 2 sets of 3
225lbs x 3
235lbs x 1
245lbs x 1
back off sets
225lbs x 2 sets of 1

bent over row (overhand grip)

95lbs x 2 sets of 12
115lbs x 2 sets of 8

t bar row
bar + 75lbs
x 2 sets of 8 w/pause
x 12 no pause

sitting sideways lat pull down SS wide D handle lat pull down

25lbs/70lbs
x 15arm/ x 10
x 15arm/ x 10
x 15*arm/ x 10

D handle bi cable curl SS alternating DB curl SS hammer curl

10lbs/15lbs/15lbs
x 10arm/ x 10arm/ x 10arm
x 10arm/ x 10arm/ x 10arm
x 10arm/ x 10arm/ x 10*arm
norest

barbell curl (close grip)
40lbs
x 12
x 12

done.

Man I wish they would get some actual blocks to do block pulls easier, off bumped plates is hard cause sometimes the bar doesn’t stay straight for me. I’d be eager to belt up and test my actual 1rm for that.

KBYE

[ouroboro_s]

@Spock81

went to all you can eat breakfast buffet at the sawmill yesterday and holy fuck. Best eating experience of my life. I was a monster, of course.

Every Christmas one of our clients hosts a lunch at the Mandarin. I prepare for that like a sporting event. I may even do lunges before we get there. There is no socializing. Then, for the rest of the day, I’m so sodium loaded I can barely walk. It’s good times

[Spock81]

k good spirits for benching today, first time it felt strong in 4everrrrrr

Bench press

115lbs x 4 (warm up)
125lbs x 2 (warm up)
130lbs x 2 sets of 2
belt
130lbs x 7

paused sling shot

145lbs x 2
150lbs x 2
155lbs x 2 (semi forgot to pause the first rep, heh)
155lbs x 4 not paused, missed the 5th, but I think 4 is a PR so ill take it

incline DB press SS one arm DB flat bench press

32.5lbs/22.5lbs
x 15/ x 10arm
x 12/ x 10arm
x 10/ x 10*arm

incline DB trap raises SS incline DB rear delt fly
10lbs/10lbs
x 8/ x 8
x 10/ x 10
x 12/ x 12
all done in one giant set without setting down the DB’s

rear delt cable fly diff pin settings for each set, all done on one arm in a continuous set then the other arm

lowest setting/middle/highest/middle/lowest
5lbs for all
x 8arm/ x 10arm/ x 15arm/ x 12arm/ x 10*arm

skull crushers SS one arm DB tri kick back

35lbs/10lbs
x 10/ x 10arm
x 10/ x 10arm
x 10/ x 10*arm
norest

hammer strength incline chest press machine
30lbs
x 8arm
40lbs
x 8arm
1 drop
20lbs
x 20 partials *arm

chest press machine
drop sets
85lbs x 8
70lbs x 8
55lbs x 10

lowest setting cable cross over
10lbs
x 12
x 12

uhh done I think… ? ya I think so
…
KBYE

[Spock81]

wow today was awesome, glutes did what I asked them to almost the entire workout obedience PR,…

paused low bar squats

135lbs x 5 (warm up)
145lbs x 5 (warm up)
165lbs x 2 sets of 6
175lbs x 3
belt
185lbs x 2 sets of 3
195lbs x 2
200lbs x 1
back off sets (beltless)
175lbs x 2 sets of 2
155lbs x 2

Anderson pins squats

155lbs x 2 sets of 3
155lbs x 2
155lbs x 3
wanted just 3 x 3 but second set sucked, 4th set was normal again

banded full reset barbell hip thrusts

185lbs x 2 sets of 6
205lbs x 2 sets of 4
225lbs x 4

ropey cable pull through w/ass squeeze SS continuous tension banded barbell hip thrusts

30lbs/135lbs
x 10/ x 10
x 10/ x 10
x 10/ x 10

norest

leg on bench cable ass kick back
drop sets (all on one side then the other side)

20lbs x 8ass
15lbs x 8ass
10lbs x 8*ass
5lbs x 12 partials * ass

lying leg curl
65lbs
x 10
x 10

stepmill intervals x 20 minutes

yeah everything felt awesome today. I want to try using my belt a bit more especially for things like paused squats cause I find I have a tendency to rely on my belt for my strength and my glutes shut off, wanted 2 focus, and it worked out well.

NEWAY getting a massage today with someone who is supposed to be really good with hip shit

KBYE

[Spock81]

k today was one in a billion

low bar squats

135lbs x 2 sets of 5 (warm up)
155lbs x 3 (warm up)
175lbs x 2 (warm up)
185lbs x 2
190lbs x 2
195lbs x 2 sets of 2
belt
195lbs x 7 !! :DD:D:

back off sets (beltless)
165lbs x 2 sets of 6
this was actually 3 sets but the second set got all fucked up and safety clanky so I took the safteys off and had a second normal good set

paused high bar squats

150lbs x 2 sets of 5
170lbs x 2
back off sets
135lbs x 2 sets of 5

ass machine

150lbs
x 6ass
x 6ass
100lbs
x 20 partials *ass

leg ext.

70lbs
x 15
x 15
100lbs
x 10

leg spreader

100lbs
x 20
x 20

leg squisher

130lbs x 8 slow neg
130lbs x 10

back ext.
10lbs x 10 w/ass squeeze
straight into
x 10 w/squeeze and no weight
straight into
x 10 no weight or no squeeze

done

bad news
I’ve lost my mind
and I don’t know if I can find it
good news
sometimes losing my mind makes me re evaluate my life and in the long run it can be a good thing

ive had a really hard time emotionally lately making myself go to work. Every day is like this huge battle and I need an entire cheer team in my head to reassure me I can survive the day. Every hour pep talks in the bathroom like 5 more hours, 3 more hours, etc. etc…
I mean it’s not my passion or my heart, I’m not good at it in any way. It doesn’t fully support me financially and I still rely on my parents to pick up what I can’t. I have no future or direction in it because deep down I hate it and I have no ambition to work towards a career that I hate.
So yesterday I broke down, because sometimes I have difficulty controlling my emotions in situations where maybe someone (sane) can.
I started having a panic attack at lunch in the bathroom. Not even over anything. I just got shakey and started crying and I knew I had to go home.
So I told my boss I didn’t feel well and I needed to leave
so I left
and I felt like, I cant go back there, this is what complete emptiness feels like
I need goals, I need to have dreams and pursue things that matter to me so I can be happy.

Anyway, I felt sick with emotions for hours, just couldn’t stop crying. Was in the bath for over an hour just sobbing. Couldn’t sleep. 8 o clock, 9 o clock 10 o lock. I couldn’t fall asleep cause all I could think about was how I wanted to die. Not like I actually wanted to kill myself, I just wanted a break from existing because I found my life overwhelmingly exhausting and I didn’t (don’t) know how to keep living it this way.
At like 8 marshall said he might be able to come over later, but then buddies came over and they had a few so he said hed come over the next morning
but as my panic attack worsened I texted him and said I don’t feel good I wish you were here, but he promised me the second he woke up he’d come over
I fell asleep for about an hour and then I heard him, he came over, came in(he has a key) and just laid beside me all night to comfort me. I saw in the morning he sent me a text like, on my way, don’t have my key, let me in, babe let me in. I was like how did you get in, you didn’t have a key?
Oh, I went back home and came all the way back.
I was like
holy
shit
this is the single, most nicest gesture anyone has ever done for me
blew me away
Truly
made me feel like ok, things are going to be okay some day

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about massage therapy. Actually for over a year now I kept wishing I didn’t spend the tuition money my dad saved for me on sign language so I could have taken this instead
I want to do this somehow
Student loans, move back home and take it part time and work part time and maybe give my parents rent money or something
So fine, its embarrassing that a 30 year old woman has none of her shit together and has to move back home, but I don’t know
I need to work towards something cuz standing around all day long welcoming people to the branch and counting their money does not fill my heart in the slightest

End///long post

BYE

[Spock81]

K today

military press

65lbs x 2 sets of 5 (warm up)
75lbs x 3 (warm up)
85lbs x 1
90lbs x 1
95lbs x 2 sets of 1
then my tester set
95lbs x 2 LOL!
100lbs x 1, this rep took an hour…
back off sets
85lbs x 2 sets of 3
70lbs x 2 sets of 5
Really worked on squeezing my ass and bracing my core for my back off sets cause my back arched way too much for my 100lb single
I also added my belt and failed a single @100lbs cause for some reason the belt made me weaker
Took off the belt and then was able to do it, weird
pelvis tucked, ass tight, core braced
WORK AT IT

uhh

paused close grip bench

110lbs x 2 sets of 4
115lbs x 2
120lbs x 2 sets of 1
back off sets
95lbs x 2 sets of 6

tempo bench (slow descent)

105lbs x 3 sets of 6

lateral raises of death super set

I did

One arm DB lateral raise w/ pinkies up SS two arm DB lateral raises w/pinkies up SS one arm DB lateral raises done the normal way SS two arm DB lateral raises done the normal way

7.5lbs/7.5lbs/7.5lbs/7.5lbs
x 10arm/ x 10/ x 10arm/ x 10
x 10arm/ x 10/ x 10arm/ x 10
x 10arm/ x 10/ x 10arm/ x 10
norest

ok then
seated bent over rear delt DB fly palms facing in wards SS seated bent over rear delt DB fly palms facing each other
5lbs/7.5lbs
x 20/ x 20
x 20/ x 20
x 25/ x 25
norest

cable one arm rear delt DB fly w/pause SS face pulls w/pause SS standing bent over rear delt DB fly w/pause

5lbs/25lbs/5lbs
x 12arm/ x 12/ x 12
x 12arm/ x 12/ x 12
x 12*arm/ x 12 / x 12
norest

oh I did more lateral raise stuff, ya

straight arm DB lateral raise w/pause at the top SS DB lateral raises w/pinkies up and no pause

5lbs/7.5lbs
x 10/ x 15
x 10/ x 15
x 10/ x 15
noresst

cable tri. ext. two diff. weights done like a giant set each arm so like…

5lbs x 15arm
10lbs x 10arm
5lbs x 15*arm

bent over DB tri ext.
drop sets

17.5lbs x 10
12.5lbs x 10
7.5lbs x 20

front raise super set

alternating cross over DB front raise w(palms facing inwards like) SS straight bar front raise w/feeble attempt at slow neg. SS plate front raise

10lbs/30lbs/25lbs
x 10arm/ x 10/ x 10
x 10arm/ x 10/ x 10
norest

step mill intervals x 20 minutes

Done N’ plenty
BYE

[BOTSLAYER]

@Spock81

I just wanted a break from existing because I found my life overwhelmingly exhausting

I have been there. There is nothing wrong with taking a break and spending some time connecting with family.

[Spock81]

k today was surprisingly awesome considering I felt like total ass when I started deadlifting

deadlifts

135lbs x 2 sets of 5 (paused below knee)
175lbs x 5 (paused)
185lbs x 2 (paused)
205lbs x 2 (paused)
225lbs x 2
belt
235lbs x 2
245lbs x 2
255lbs x 1
260lbs x 1

honestly, hook gripping this didn’t affect my strength in the slightest. So glad I can match my old pr’s!! My thumbs didn’t even bleed

bent over row (underhand grip)

115lbs x 2 sets of 12
125lbs x 8
115lbs x 2 sets of 8

one arm DB row SS hammer strength iso lateral row neutral grip
(tried to squeeze and hold every rep)

50lbs/70lbs per side
x 10arm/ x 10arm
x 10arm/ x 10arm
x 10arm/ x 10arm
norest

uhm

one arm lat pull down

35lbs x 8arm
42.5lbs x 8arm
50lbs x 8*arm
27.5lbs x 15 partials *arm

cable station lat pull down SS ropey cable pull down (all reps paused/squeezed)

20lbs/20lbs
x 12/ x 12
x 12/ x 12
x 12/ x 12
norest

seated row cable

85lbs x 6
100lbs x 8
drop sets
70lbs x 10
55lbs x 10
40lbs x 20 partials

bicep curl machine

30lbs x 20
40lbs x 2 sets of 10

seated DB curl

15lbs x 10arm
20lbs x 2 sets of 6arm

EZ bar curl

35lbs
x 12
x 12

And
and
DONE

Did fancy edit whatevers

weird how sometimes being really upset and depressed about life and everything in general can make for either the best workouts ever, or the worst ones.
Today was one of the best
.

K BYE

[Spock81]

k squats felt so good today. Didn’t even really have to work at glute activation, just happened for me

tempo squats ( 4 cnt. descent )

135lbs x 2 sets of 5 (warm up)
155lbs x 2 sets of 6
165lbs x 3
175lbs x 2 sets of 2
back off sets
145lbs x 2 sets of 5

Andersen pin squats

145lbs x 2 sets of 5

banded continuous tension barbell hip thrusts SS plié squats w/squeeze

135lbs/32.5lbs
x 15/ x 15
x 15/ x 15
x 15/ x 15

seated leg curl

100lbs
x 10
x 10
drop sets
70lbs
x 10
40lbs
x 10 paused

lying leg curl w/ heels touching

50lbs
x 8
x 8
x 8
30lbs
x 10

stepmill intervals x 20 minutes

and dat’s all there was time for today, folks

Couldn’t even squat for an hour like I usually like to do:sweat_smile:

Started my stupid girl thing, O-M-G you mean I was irrational, psychotic, and suicidal for a hormonal reason?! Ya don’t say…
I TOLD U JENN AND YOU WOULDN"T LISTEN
you even put it on the calendar and ignored it! RAH

KBYE

[Spock81]

k WOooooooooo

Low bar squats

135lbs x 6 (warm up)
155lbs x 6 (warm up)
175lbs x 3 (warm up)
185lbs x 3
195lbs x 1
belt
200lbs x 1
205lbs x 1
210lbs x 1 :D:

back off sets (beltless)

175lbs x 3 sets of 4

high bar beltless paused squats

155lbs x 2 sets of 6
170lbs x 4
back off sets
140lbs x 2 sets of 4

ass machine

120lbs
x 12ass
x 12ass
140lbs
x 8*ass

single leg ext.

50lbs
x 8leg (paused)
x 8leg (paused)
60lbs
x 8*leg

one leg on bench cable ass kick back
one giant set on one side then did the other so

10lbs x 15ass
20lbs x 10ass
10lbs x 15*ass
norest
none at all

…

step mill intervals x 20 minutes

back ext. w/ass squeeze
x 40

leg spreader
55lbs
x 30 + 30 partials
70lbs
x 15 + 15 partials

DONE

210 mutha whaaat

happy
BYE

[Spock81]

k woOp paused bench plateau officially over thanks to oatmeal and fractional plates

paused bench

115lbs x 2 sets of 6
126lbs x 4
127lbs x 2 sets of 3
131lbs x 2
132lbs x 2

sling shot bench

140lbs x 6
145lbs x 2 sets of 6

paused military press

85lbs x 3 sets of 3
back off sets
75lbs x 2 sets of 4

DB lateral raises w/pinkies up
did a ramp then a drop with straight arm so like

5lbs x 30
7.5lbs x 20
10lbs x 20
12.5lbs x 15
15lbs x 10

straight arm drop

15lbs x 10
12.5lbs x 15
10lbs x 20
7.5lbs x 20
5lbs x 30

incline DB trap raises SS incline DB rear delt fly SS bent over DB rear delt fly w/palms facing inward SS bent over DB rear delt fly w/palms facing each other

7.5lbs/7.5lbs/7.5lbs/7.5lbs
x 10/ x 12/ x 10/ x 12
x 10/ x 12/ x 10/ x 12
x 10/ x 12/ x 10/ x 12
norst
e

cable underhand straight bar front raise SS EZ bar underhand front raises SS cable underhand straight bar front raise again

10lbs/25lbs/10lbs
x 15/ x 10/ x 15
x 15/ x 10/ x 15

facepullz w/diff. pin heights for each set
20lbs
x 15
x 15
x 15
norest

reverse grip D handle tri ex. SS DB tri kick back

10lbs/10lbs
x 8arm/ x 8arm
x 8arm/ x 8arm
x 8arm + 1 drop 5lbs x 12arm/ x 10*arm
norest

seated DB press
12.5lbs
x 10 partials from the bottom + 10 partials from the top + 10 full ROM x 2 sets

DONE
some strong shit happenin’ these dayz friendz.

I think it’s cause I stopped being such an anal bitch about my diet

KBYE

[Spock81]

k today

box deadlifts

135lbs x 2 sets of 6 (warm up)
185lbs x 2 sets of 4
215lbs x 2 sets of 2
back off sets
175lbs x 2 sets of 3

bent over row (overhand grip) ss lat pull down with the seated row cable handle (narrow) BUT I did it like standing with my foot on the seat like I’ve seen some people do and it feels strangely way better?! *also did these with pause and slow neg to really feel da burn

105lbs/55lbs
x 10/ x 12
x 10/ x 12
x 10/ x 12

hammer strength iso lateral row (neutral grip) BUT this one I did with one arm like iso hold squeeze while the other arm did the reps, and I did it all continuous without ever letting go of a handle so ya…

45lbs per side
x 8arm
x 8arm
x 8*arm
this got super hard near the end

cable station lat pull down w/pause ss ropey cable pull down w/pause

25lbs/25lbs
x 12/ x 12
x 12/ x 12
x 12 + 1 drop set 15lbs x 20 partials/ x 12 + 1 drop set 15lbs x 20

D handle bi curl

10lbs
x 12arm
x 12arm
x 15*arm

one arm DB row w/pause SS two arm DB row

30lbs/30lbs
x 10arm/ x 10
x 10arm/ x 10
x 10*arm/ x 10
norest

incline DB curl

12.5lbs
x 10
x 10
x 10

barbell curl 21’s

30lbs x 21

front lat pull down machine

30lbs
x 15 paused
40lbs
x 15paused

wide D handle lat pull down

70lbs
x 12 w/slow neg
x 12 w/slow neg
55lbs
x 12 * continuous tension

hmm did I forget anything…
No, don’t think so

Felt like a fat tub of shit for this workout so it was fueled by rage and self-loathing…

but I took a pic of my back in a different spot and I do think I look less crooked ?!

I dunno

its like I wanna change my diet and eat healthy but less restrictive and shit, but then I bloat up like a puffer fish and I never know what it’s from
I basically have to just eat ground bison and rice like my dog or I look 6 months pregnant all day.
WHY CANT I DIGEST FOOD?!
k nEway

BYE

[EyeDentist]

@Spock81

but I took a pic of my back in a different spot and I do think I look less crooked ?!

Agree, no crookedness to be seen here. So kick that particular demon to the curb.

[Spock81]

Welll okaaay, i’ll let it go… for now

[Spock81]

K today was aiiight

paused low bar squats

135lbs x 2 sets of 5 (warm up)

165lbs x 8
185lbs x 2 sets of 3
belt
195lbs x 2
200lbs x 2
back off sets (beltless)
155lbs x 2 sets of 4

Andersen pin squats

155lbs x 5
165lbs x 2 sets of 3

paused full reset banded barbell hip thrusts SS ropey cable pull through w/ass squeeze

185lbs/30lbs
x 6/ x 20
x 6/ x 20
x 6 + 1 drop (continuous tension) 135lbs x 15/ x 20 + 20 not epic long squeeze, just normal…pumpy

cable straight leg ass kick back w/pause

10lbs
x 10ass
x 10ass
x 10*ass

single leg curl

30lbs
x 12leg
x 12leg

leg spreader w/slow neg SS leg squisher w/slow neg

85lbs/100lbs
x 10/ x 10
x 10 + 1 drop (not slow neg) 70lbs x 25/ x 10 + 1 drop (not slow neg) 85lbs x 15

stepmill intervals x 20 minutes

K…ya

Felt pretty bad about myself during this whole workout cause I thought I looked fat or whatever

Stuff N' shit

video proof that I sorta do look like I need to drop some
also that I’m really hard on myself
etc…

Basically I don’t remember if I told you a few weeks ago marshall lost his job for a really stupid minor little thing. Really seemed like a bad excuse and they were just looking for any reason to fuck him over.
So he’s been understandably really depressed and doesn’t deal with his emotions well, or at all for that matter.
He just ends up drinking way too often and becoming and emotionless blob. WHICH ISNT ABOUT ME, but it IS very hard on ME .
He’s distant and un caring and uncommunicative and it impacts me and my self esteem, but it’s not like I can be like HEY man shape up, you’re being a shit, because why kick a man when he’s down?
But as the weeks go by I find I’m getting depressed and I feel like I want nothing to do with this person whom I love and who is obviously hurting a great deal. He refuses to let me help in any way.
I asked him if I could take him out to cheer him up
he rejected me
I asked him if he needed a place to stay for a while until something local popped up so he wouldn’t have to move to find work
he rejected me
I asked him if I could lend him money
that made him upset
I asked him if I could come over
he said no

So I’m like wow, you are making me feel like a pathetic sack of shit
but he’s too depressed to even talk shit out with me

I don’t know how long a person is supposed to wait in such a situation
forever I guess
because bad times happen
I guess
I Dunno, but I feel very conflicted
kBYE

[Spock81]

WEll today was a shit show, a good workout, but a shit show none-the-less…

k bench press

115lbs x 2 sets of 4 (warm up)
125lbs x 2 (warm up)
130lbs x 1
135lbs x 2 sets of 1
belt
135lbs x 3

1 board bench press

140lbs x 2 sets of 3
140lbs x 4

uhh then I checked my txt messages and marshall dumped me so I came home, bawled my eyes out, went to the doctor, got medication, a doctors note to get a week off work, and a referral to a shrink

came back home and went back to the gym to finish my workout

paused incline DB press SS incline DB power fly (started with a low incline and with each set I adjusted the seat to make it higher incline)

30lbs/20lbs
x 15/ x 15
x 15/ x 15
x 12/ x 12

cable cross over (lowest setting)
10lbs
x 12
x 12
cable cross over (middle setting)
10lbs
x 12
x 12

facepulls SS rear delt cable fly (again adjusting the pin to make each set slightly higher on the cables)

5lbs/30lbs
x 20/ x 20arm
x 20/ x 20arm
x 20/x 20*arm
norest

reverse grip D handle tri ex SS cable tri ex.t
10lbs/5lbs
x 10arm/ x 15arm
x 10arm/ x 15arm
x 10arm/ x 15arm
norest

rear delt seated bent over DB fly
drop set

20lbs
x 12
15lbs
x 15
10lbs
x 20

step mill x 20 minutes

yaaaa
good but awfulz

so I decided yesterday would be a good day to show marshall his vday gift early (the lego portrait thingie I’ve been excited about for a month :/)

so I showed it to him and all he did was kinda laugh and then not talk to me for hours
like hours
im like wtf
I don’t even get athank you
so I finally texted again like
ookay thennnnnnnn
hes like oh ya sorry thanks
wow
I was completely crushed
So hurt
So I said if you don’t want to be with me anymore just say so
feeling strong
but then he said he didn’t
so I died inside
feeling weak
and apologized and told him I loved him and I asked him if he would come over
and he said maybe
so I waited for hours
cause my panic attack wouldn’t end so its not like I could sleep anywayyy
but I kept thinking I heard a vehicle or my door open but it never did and he never came …
So this morning I texted and wanted to make sure he really wanted to be done with me hoping he was just drunk and he’d take it back …
but he didn’t and he felt the same
My anxiety was as intense as like however long ago when he first completely destroyed my soul
I couldn’t breath
I was like clenching my chest and gasping for air
then I felt like a pathetic piece of shit, humiliated image in my head of him ever seeing me like this and laughing at me for being such a clingy loser.
Who has to be this pathetic for this long over someone \\\ ?!
I do that’s who
I thought no way I can do this alone
So my parents got me and took me to the doc
and he was so understanding and compassionate, I couldn’t believe it.
I guess I’m just used to most people looking at me or talking to me like anxiety isn’t a real thing or its just made up or controllable when , for some people, that couldn’t be further from the truth …

ne way
BYE

[ChickenLittle]

Damn it girl! Sorry to hear this.

[ouroboro_s]

Oh dear. I’m so sorry about your troubles. I suspect much of his problem was losing his job. That effects a persons self esteem like crazy and can be one of the most upsetting, stress and depression inducing events. Unfortunately, your relationship is collateral damage. Many people, when dealing with that type of thing, retreat to lick their proverbial wounds and that may be what’s going on with him.

Sadly, the result is the same for you and you’ve had your stuff turned upside down. Just keep breathing and moving forward.

[Spock81]

thx for the support guys, yesterday was madness, truly…

but today’s workout went really well

low bar squats

135lbs x 2 sets of 5 (warm up)
155lbs x 3 (warm up)
165lbs x 10
165lbs x 10
belt
165lbs x 16 booyaa

high bar paused squats (beltless)

155lbs x 2 sets of 4
165lbs x 2 sets of 4 (lost tightness with one of them reps and made it uggo, so decided to just go straight to back off sets)
back off sets
135lbs x 3 sets of 6

ass machine

110lbs
x 15ass
135lbs
x 8ass
x 8*ass

leg ext.

85lbs
x 12
x 12
x 12

one leg on back cable ass kick back

15lbs
x 10ass
20lbs
x 10ass + 1 drop 10lbs x 10*ass

back ext.
10lbs
x 15 w/squeeze
BW
x 15 w/squeeze
bw
x 25

done

SO anyway
yesterday
I got SSRI’s as you know, and “in case of extreme emergency” anti anxiety shit for very rare occasions, like yesterday post workout…

Spent most of the day sleeping in my closet, my go-to safe haven. I decided to get back on tinder (barf), and pick my self up right away, and was I in complete denial about everything. Deep down just feeling like, ok, he’s making a mistake and I am FINE FINE FINE.
Then he sent me a text telling me he was going to come by and return my key.
I ran downstairs like holy shit I need this fucking emergency pill STAT
nownownownwn
They SAY it’s supposed to work in 15 minutes, but it didn’t
I went total nutso, curled up in a ball, kicking the walls like a person who should be locked up in a mental ward. I kept thinking like, no, he promised
Two weeks ago he said I love you and ill never leave u and I promise this I promise that, blablah

My mom came over and sat with me for a couple hours which was really helpful . She kept reassuring me that this wasn’t my fault…
But it was such a strange sensation to me from feeling like I was losing my mind to complete and utter brain silence.
Like WAH WAHWHA AHA WHHW to (…)
Just dead air space
I texted him back and said no you are not returning my key, you are making a mistake and I do not support this decision.
Then he answered
“I agree”
…
wait what…
He said i’ll come over later and we can just talk
but then I sort of got the feeling that he just wanted to come over to dump me in person and I told him he wasn’t allowed to do that, he could only come over if he was just going to reassure me that everything is going to be fine.
He said he’d come over at like 10:30 when his ex was off work to watch his daughter .
The next few hours were super weird for me though. When that pill really started to kick in I felt so out of it and I feel asleep before 7. When I woke up I honestly didn’t remember how the conversations I was having with people on FB had ended or the emails I sent my mom. I re read them today like ohh, ok…
but he actually did come over exactly at 10:30
Nobody really said anything at first and I said well if you’re going to talk you better talk…
He said I dunno, you were just freaking out about everything. Talking crazy shit. I was shitty to everyone, not just you. The only reason I hung out with my friends and not you was because they just showed up and forced themselves over.
…
So you don’t want to dump me?
It wasn’t a dumping, I thought it was just like mutual .

I think he thought all the frustration in my texts made it seem like I wanted to end it or I was thinking about ending it so he ended it first.
But his assumptions were right, I felt like I wanted out of it until he took it away, and I realized how I don’t want out of it and the thought of being out of it terrifies me completely.

Anyway, I honestly don’t know, my head is just a mess right now at a time that it’s not typically a mess. I can’t blame it on PMS or hormones, it’s just me.
I feel trapped in a relationship that isn’t enough for me emotionally, but I can’t leave it because I love him and melt down completely even thinking about a world without him in it.
I feel trapped in a dead-end job that I keep because it meets all my obsessive requirements about not having to sit at all, or work evenings or whatever.
I feel like I’m living a life that is dictated to me by my ailments VS living a life that I actually want to live. That a mentally healthy version of me could be living.

ANyway this post is way too long, someone is supposed to call me any day to meet with my and get assessed and set up for regular therapy visits with someone. Really looking forward to that.

kBYE

[Spock81]

k onward goes the battle

block pullz

185lbs x 5
205lbs x 5
225lbs x 2 sets of 3
235lbs x 2
245lbs x 1
back off sets
195lbs x 2 sets of 3

bent over row (underhand grip) ss foot on seat two D handle lat pull down w/pause and slow neg

125lbs/70lbs
x 6/ x 10
x 6/ x 10
x 6 + 1 drop 95lbs x 12/ x 10 + 1 drop 55lbs x 12 (not slow neg for the drop)

one arm DB row

40lbs x 15arm
50lbs x 10arm
65lbs x 6*arm

one arm lat pull down w/pause SS front pull down w/slow neg

35lbs/20lbs
x 8arm/ x 12
x 8arm/ x 12
x 8*arm/ x 12

ropey cable pull down

15lbs x 15 w/long pause
20lbs x 15 w/long pause
25lbs x 15

seated DB curl SS EZ bar curl

15lbs/35lbs
x 8arm/ x 8
x 8arm/ x 8
x 8*arm/ x 8
norest

medium D handle seated row cable
drop sets

85lbs x 8
70lbs x 8
55lbs x 10

stepmill intervals x 20 minutes\

K every single rep of every single set of ever step of ever single second of this workout was a battle
Having troubles adjusting to this SSRI stuff and its making me really nauseated, drowsy and my whole body aches.
Slept most of the day yesterday and couldn’t really eat my supper.
Two things that are super weird for me cause I usually don’t even let myself sit to watch a 30 minute tv show and my whole life revolves around anticipating supper…

Do not like.

But hey, I’m not hyperventilating all day, so that’s something…

W/E
BYE