not for the politically sensitive
Robert and I were commenting on the Vintage LEO topic and I thought a good topic ( and a change of pace) would be to share experiences that ended up being on the humorous side of life. I have occasionally scribbled down a few words on some of the more funny domestics I have been involved with, when working the street as a uniformed LEO. I still remember this one every time i get caught in a thunderstorm.
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Some notes: This incident is true, only the names have been changed to protect me from being sued.
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“Grasshopper” was my nickname in my unit
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“Big Cynthia” was my Sergeant
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“LiL Mack” worked the zone next to mine and was my primary backup"
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Any of you have any funny street encounters, throw them up here
The Towering Oaks
The Towering Oaks was a neighborhood starting at the northern end of Oakwood Avenue and stretching all the way through Baker Street, to butt up against the southern end of Old Federal Park
Currently in the throes of severe urban gentrification, it was a comprised of middle and upper class Whites, Blacks, Mexicans, and gays of all colors. You had to be very aware when answering a call in the area, because, you never knew who had their little ears open for any type of non politically correct comments, fortunately, us animals rarely got a call in the area, and when we did it was mostly alarms
Many of the old southern houses were being re modeled and each couple seemed to be in a frantic race to outdo their neighbor. The term â??class warâ?? really means the well off fighting for neighborhood domination on everything from manicured little lawns to Christmas decorations
(Fine with me, take all you aggressions out on remodeling and show casing the latest Weber grill, just dont lose control and start rolling toilet paper on your neighbors picturesque little lawn).
0037 Hours: 3334 Oakwood Avenue, Towering Oaks Neighborhood
OH, GOD, OH GOD, Please believe me, I love my wife!
A late season hurricane was pounding the Outer Banks of North Carolina and pushing in some severe storms in our area, lightning had been streaking across the sky for the past two hours, and I was praying to St. Michael, the rain would hold off until I got off duty
Nothing worse that working a wreck in raging deluge, especially since it was a weeknight, and the bars would be closing earlier than normal, and every drunk would be trying to beat the rain back to their burrows
I was on southern end of the park looking for a place to hide until the end of the shift, when the radio dispatcher hit the alert tone
Unit 6 Unit 6
Unit 6,go ahead, dispatch, I said
Unit 6 be in route to 3334 Oakwood Avenue,â violent domestic in progress, one subject armed with a lamp
(Lamp?)
Unit 6, clear, in route
Unit 13, in route also, I heard LiL Mack clear on the call
(What the hell? I thought, thats rare for that section of the neighborhood, maybe a gay fight, they often armed themselves with some weird weapons)
Driving across Baker Avenue, I tried to remember if I had ever handled a domestic there
(Nope, didnt set off any alarms)
Turning down Oakwood, I noticed that each home on this block was well kept, and had some nice cars parked on the street, looked like a modern day version of a Norman Rockwell painting
(Some money on this street or overextended credit)
Locating the address, I got out of the car and studied the large ranch style home, looking for any snipers or enraged husbands or wives with a suicide by police wish
LiL Mack arrived and walked up beside me, stuffing his flashlight into his belt and slipping on a pair of black gloves
You ever been here? he said,
Nope
You?
No, but, its lit up like a revival tent
I know,and I dont hear much screaming or cursing either,place seems a little odd to me, I said
As we walking up the little manicured pathway the thunder begin to boom and a lightning bolt shot over the top of the house, blasting the place with a surreal type of white light
Mack jumped and instinctively ducked his head
Ease up I said, You too short to be hit by lightning
Funny, Grasshopper real funny I dont want to end up a crispy critter, just because the idiots in there cant get along
Dont worry about lightning I said, it just Gods way of doing a drive by shooting, and, like I said, you too short to hit
Giving me the stink eye, Mack, said, There is something seriously wrong with you
We got close to the front door and I noticed the knocker was a fish symbol
Hey, I said, a Christian lives here thought they were extinct
Mack looked at the knocker and shook his head
Heyyou know why Christians use a fish symbol?
No, Why?
Its a subtle reminder that if you know how to catch fish, you can live longer than someone who doesnt
Knock it off,lets get this settled before it starts to rain
We placed ourselves on each side of the door and I banged my flashlight on the fish head
(Must be cheap I thought, as I saw a dent appear next to its left eye)
A white woman in her forties answered the door, tears cutting a crooked path through heavy mascara, sporting a torn blouse and cut lip
You called, Lady?
(I know it sounds stupid to ask, but, you have to start somewhere)
Thank God You are here!my husband has went into the kitchen to get a paddle to give me a spanking
(What?)
Are you hurt? I said, seeing a little blood dribble from her cut lip
She just started crying
Call an ambulance, Mack, will you?
Ok,
Where is your husband? Does he any guns or knives with him?
Still shell shocked, she glanced back toward the rear of the house and said
He has his Jesus lamp
(What?)
Just answer the question Does he have a gun or knife?
No, he doesnt believe in violence
(Really, I thought, then why am I standing here)
Hearing a loud bellow from the rear of the house
Margaret! Margaret!
Get your ass in the bedroom for your spanking, now! you sinful bitch!
Police!I yelled, at the top of my lungs, come out here, and,let me see your hands!
I heard a mumbled curse and a short, dumpy, overweight white male emerged from the hall way, dressed in a large pair of boxer shorts, with large blue dolphins leaping across the white fabric
(Blue dolphins?)
He was carrying a slender rod about 6 foot long, with a Jesus figure attached at the top and a small burning light above, like a glowing halo around Jesus head
(Must run on a battery, I thought, put some robes on this boy and he would like a fat Gandalf)
Sir put the lamp down and step over here, I said
Giving me a flat stare, he turned to the woman and said
Margaret you fucking sinner! You called Satans troops on me?
(Satan’ troops?)
Sir,put the lamp down!
Giving me another baleful stare, he said
You have no right to be here you agent from hell!
Well get this straight you overweight torch bearer for Christ, you are under arrest for domestic battery
Now put the fucking lamp down!
No!, He screamed, no member of Satan’s squad will ever touch me and burn me black with their filthy hands!
I looked at Mack and said
He a crazy?
Mack just shrugged his shoulders and said
Crazy enough for me
Ok, last time put the fucking lamp down!
No!, creature of Satan ,I will not do it!
Ok, no problem, take it to jail with you, as I stepped to the side and struck him hard across the knee with my collapsible baton
He screamed and grabbed his knee, his dolphin covered ass hitting the floor
Margaret yelled, take that you sodomizing bastard!, and tried to kick him in the head
Mack, grabbed her arm and threw her against the couch,
Fuck!, he yelled, as she tried to kick him in the balls
Jumping on dolphin boy’s back, I pushed his face into the carpet and got the cuffs on him in record time
Jumping up, I yelled and waved my arms in a circle, like a cowboy finishing up roping a calf
I got to Mack’s side and we threw Margaret on the floor, cuffing her, and sticking her head between two couch cushions
Jesus Christ!, Mack said , what the fuck is wrong with these people?
The woman started making gagging sounds, I didnt know whether she was crying or suffocating
I pulled her head up out of the cushions
Crying
Now calm the fuck downâ?? orâ?? I am going to stuff your head in the cushions again, ok? She nodded her head and then looked over at dolphin boy
I hope, the fuck you are satisfied,you lousy fucking sorry ass excuse for a fucking Christian believer!
(Damn, thats a mouthful)
Mack and I rolled Margaret up into a sitting position and put her on the couch, finally having time to glance around the foyer and living room, I saw several paintings of Jesus, THE LAST SUPPER, and a velvet poster of Elvis
(You might think that was a bit odd, but, I dont know how many times I walked into a house or apartment and saw three things: pictures of Jesus , Martin Luther King, and Elvis: the three kings , I guess)
We walked over to the dolphin boy and put him in a sitting position against the wall,
Dont touch me! you filthy creatures! spittle flying out of his mouth
Hey, Mack, you shower today before you came on duty?
Making sure he was securely cuffed, I went back over to Margaret, who had finally gotten herself under some type of control
Ambulance will be here shortly, I said, You want to tell me what happened here?
Dont tell them a god damn thing! Margaret!, or so help me God,I will bring Gods wrath from the heavens down on your sinful ass!
I looked at Mack and said
Is it legal to gag someone while they are cuffed?
Dont think so, but, sounds like a good idea to me, what do you want to use?
I dont know, how about sticking your flashlight down his throat?
Dolphin boy was following this conversation with a weird light in his eyes, but, at least he had quieted down
I turned to Margaret and said,
Go ahead, tell us what happened
Margaret took a couple of small sniffles, and tried to wipe her nose on her shoulder, no easy feat handcuffed
Taking a deep breath, she said, That fat pig over there,nodding her head at dolphin boy,is my soon to be ex-husband and really emphasizing the word, is Reverend Samuel Coots,holy leader of the Church of Jesus Lights
(What?)
That’s a Reverend? Like a real one? I said
(Lots of fake ones on the streets)
Margaret gave me a withering look,no he aint real, he thinks he is, but, he isnt
Dolphin boy (well, I guess, Sam now) let a out a yell,
I am real!I lead a congregation of ten thousand faithful!
Turning to Margaret, I said
Ten thousand? thats pretty large, where is his church?
He doesnt have any church!He leads a congregation on the internet! his fucking pulpit is in the spare bedroom,In front of his webcam, he is a true fake!
I am not! Sam screamed, I have a virtual church full of devoted believers!
(Virtual church? Well, better than a funeral home, I guess)
Ok, so he is a scam artist, so what happened?
Giving him another withering look, Margaret said
I work down at the Department of Motor Vehicles, and, I was late getting home to start dinner
I came in and went to thaw a chicken,when the holy reverend there came in, holding his Jesus lamp and said he need a blowjob, because he want to be both physically and spiritually closer to Jesus
Wait, I said, he wanted a blowjob?, while holding the Jesus lamp?
Yeah
(Mack and I looked at each other and we both shrugged, we had heard worse)
?Ok, what then?
Well, I told him that I was too tired to give him a blowjob, I had been working a REAL JOB all day while he had been prancing in from of his little camera
He started yelling at me that God had commanded woman to submit to a man,and I was going to submit or God would cast me into the fires of hell
I told him to shut off the rhetoric, he wasnt preaching any more, and, if I went to hell for not giving a blowjob , then hell had to be full of women
He started screaming I was using blasphemy, spitting on Jesus’s light and I would submit
I told him,he was just jealous I wasnt spitting on his dick!
(Not bad, I thought, not bad)
He then grabbed me, and I tried to run away, but, he threw me against the wall and hit me with the Jesus lamp
Sam yelled, its a woman place to submit!, even you troops for Satan should know that!
Shut up, Reverend!
No, I wont, you spawn of the devil, I can see it in you!
Mack looked at me and said, hey, he been talking to Bigs sister?
Funny, Mack
Yeah, go ahead and laugh, spawn of devil seed, but, God knows I love my wife, and she has just lost her way!
Margaret yelled, lost my way? lost my way?, you asshole!, I must have lost my mind marrying you!
Ok,ok, I said, save it for the attorneys
Look, Margaret, I feel for you, he couldnt buy a blowjob from a hooker, much less get one for love, but, the state dont allow any leeway in this, you got go with us
Yeah, Mack said, I would forget the kick at my balls, but, we cant, you could kill yourself after we leave and were are liable
Margaret took this all in and began crying softly
You fucking devils! Sam yelled, I love my wife!, leave her alone!
Looking at Mack, I said, take Margaret to your car, I will load up the Reverend
Ok, he said, as a thunderous clap shook the windows
You hear that devils spawn? thats God showing you how angry he is by touching me, you will know the wrath of God!
No, I said, Thats Jesus being pissed off for using his name in trying to cop a blowjob
Satan, he hissed, God Knows I love my wife and he will strike you down!
You take any medication? Thorazine perhaps?
Mack and I got both of them on their feet and headed out the door
The Reverend screamed in alternate tones that he loved his wife and he needed a pair of pants
Ok, I said, you love your wife? great, but, for now, just shut the fuck up!the blue dolphins stay, hey are the most stylish jail shorts I have ever seen, plus, you being full of Gods wrath, I am not going to take the cuffs off, so you can start another fight
Once outside, I saw the storm had increased in intensity and the wind was breaking the branches off an old breech tree and scattering them across the hood of my car
I waited until Mack got Margaret seated in his car, and then lead Sam over to mine, where he promptly started crying for Margaret
I want to ride with her! , he whined,I love my wife!
Hey, I said, dont sweat it, you will fit right in down at the jail, because,Jesus is always hanging out there, just ask around when you get, lots of assholes find Jesus at the Jail
ou can preach to some real hard asses and maybe redeem yourself in the eyes of the lord
Plus, you will have a live audience to address! Think about that,a chance to grow beyond your webcam, you may even start a new church, you could call it The Sons of Jesus
Heavy crying, post guilt type stuff , I love my wife! Please let me go, I promise to take care of her!
Ok,then get in the back and dont give me anymore crap,I will get you processed as fast as I can
I put him in the back seat, him yelling for â??Margaret!â?? tears and mucus covering his moon face.
I shut the rear door and got into the front, noticing the wind had reach enough velocity to rock the car
What happened next, is kind of blurry, but, Mack filled in the gaps
I had just shut the door when a tremendous flash of bluish light flashed over the interior of the car and I felt my blood start to tingle and my breath catch in my throat. I was aware of Sam screaming in the rear, but, it sounded a long, long, away. I blinked my eyes and saw bits of blue light dance all over my car, leaping like little fairies around the dash and radio system. I felt myself leave my body and look down, seeing the strange blue light and my hair floating like a reef of kelp. Suddenly, the light was gone, and my breath blasted from my lungsâ?¦Holy shit! What the fuck was that? I looked over the interior and saw my dash, radio, and mobile computer terminal were dark, with the plastic cracked or meting, glancing up, I saw the paint on the hood was melted into little black pools, and, for some reason I thought of my dear girlfriends attempt at making pancakes . I tried to breathe normally, but it didnt feel like I was getting enough oxygen. Suddenly my hearing snapped back, assaulted by the screams of Sam in the back .Oh my God!, My powerful God, please forgive me, I have sinned against your son and my wife, please forgive me, my precious God. I looked to the left and saw Mack running toward my car.
Mack opened the vehicle door and jerked me out so hard we both fell into the rain soaked grass. I was aware the rain was coming down in sheets, but, couldnâ??t feel much of anything.
Mack started screaming something and I tried to focus on his lips through the pouring rain
Grasshopper!, are you hurt!, Jesus Christ! are you alright?!
He got to his knees, looking like a drowned puppy and screamed again
Are you ok?!, say something, God Damnit!
I nodded my head and said what happened?, just as a loud burst of thunder shook the ground
What?, he screamed
I got my voice back
Why are you yelling?! I can fucking hear you!
Because you got hit by a bolt of lightning, you crazy fuck!
No shit?
No shit!
I looked over at the smoking hood of my car and said, better get the Reverend out of there, see if he is ok
I slowly got up as Mack pulled the whimpering Reverend from my car
I looked over and saw him fall to the ground, the front of his dolphin shorts stained dirty yellow
He was nearly incoherent, screaming at God to forgive him, trying to crawl away from the car like a fat slug
I yelled at Mack over the rain, get him up, and I will get him back in the house, better get Margaret out of your car before God fucks that one up too.
Through the downpour, I saw Mack wave ok, as I came over and got the Reverend by the arm
Get up Damnit!,we need to get inside and get you check out by the paramedics!
He was whimpering and nearly catatonic, but, managed to shuffle his way inside, and I lowered him in the same place against the living room wall
My hearing was returning to normal levels, and I could feel my blood pressure drop back within survival range
(What the fuck!)
Mack came in with Margaret and sat her on the couch
Looking over at Sam, she said
You got what you deserved you lousy fucker!, I hope your dick was blown off!
(Hell hath no fury)
Sam looked up from the floor and said
I saw the light!, Margaret, I saw the light and I have been saved!
Yeah, you have been saved alright, saved from an ass kicking by me!
Mack followed the paramedics as they came in to check out the Reverend and I
What happened? I asked again
Mack looked at me and slowly shook his head, he said
I had just got Margaret in the back seat, and I turned around to see if you needed any help loading the Reverend when lightning struck the transformer on the power pole next to you car
I saw the bolt run down the stabilizing cable and hit the ground, and it split in half, and then hit your car, man, that car looked like a fucking Christmas tree!, I thought you were fried sure as hell!
How do you feel?
like I been hit by a lightning bolt, but, you know, my sinuses have damn sure cleared up!
Jesus Christ! I thought you were dead!, he repeated
Well, the Brontos would have laughed about that, looking like one of their baskets of red hot wings!
(Mack and I both laughed, what the hell else you going to do?)
No, not dead! The Reverend shouted,we have both been saved and I saw the light!
The paramedic taking my blood pressure said
Grasshopper,you are one lucky bastard,I only see a few minor burns on your arm
Yeah, but,you werent floating in sea of kelp!
Giving me a funny look, he said, (looking at Mack) he needs to be transported and checked out by a cardiologist
Yeah, I said, I am fine,I go to city hospital, I won’t come out alive,you get staph infection just walking through the emergency room doors
Funny,? Grasshopper, Mack said, too bad that surge of electricity didnt help in altering your personality
Thats what shock therapy is for isnt it, he said
Maybe it works on regular people, but, get this, Bro:I did cross over to the other side and you know what?
What?, he said, giving me his stink eye look
Its full of Haints!
Giving me a look between disbelief and stink eye, Mack said,
?Knock it off about Haints, havent you had enough trouble for one night?
Before I could answer, he said, I going to get your gear out of the car before the tow truck gets here
Thanks, Bro
I was sitting in the rear of the ambulance, watching the paramedic check out the reborn Reverend
When Big Cynthia walked up
You ok?, Grasshopper
Yeah, Sarge, I am ok, just feel a little shell shocked and laughed at my own joke
Yeah, thats original alright, glad you werent turned into a piece of the Colonels crispy chicken, but, the major is going to have a shit fit over that destroyed car
I know ,but, you know, you can tell him it was Gods will,and f he dont believe you , e can always talk to the reborn Reverend here.
Big Cynthia gave me the shark eyes and then burst out laughing
Hell, maybe I should call him now,bet he hasnt ever seen a Reverend wearing piss stained dolphins before!
And we both burst out laughing
(Damn, it was good not being fried)
