Things You’ve Always Wondered About

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You don’t. I guarantee you look at things through your lens which probably skews towards one side or another. I know I do as much as I try to be “objective” I’m not. Politics is subjective. I.e. you have a different view of the world and what is “best for everyone” than a progressive would, by virtue of the values you have a larger weight on, or what means you think will achieve the end you think is desirable.

This is why I vehemently believe free and open dialogue is critical for a liberal (in the classical, lockean sense) civilization to function and flourish … I’m always weary of those who want to restrict speech, sow division, or claim to know what’s best for a plurality of people…they don’t.

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I have often wondered how thick my wife thinks I am that when she wears something new and I say “that’s new” and she responds with “oh I’ve had this for ages” that I’ll believe that every time.

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I am sorry to hear that.

I wonder if there is a connection between people who have had a trauma and people who seriously stick with fitness/weight lifting. Lifting is certainly a form of therapy for me.

For the record, the defining moment of my life is sitting in an ER having bit and pieces of my wife’s skull being removed from my body.

The last memory before that was looking at a young Arab teen who had Downs syndrome with a large backpack get on the bus and thinking he looked scared, and I was wondering if he was lost.

Missing about 4 hours, which I consider a blessing.

Anyway, it fundamentally changed my life and who I am.

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Well, I’ve pulled my head out of my asshole. I’m struggling, but I’m trying to fix myself. It’s not going to be an easy process, but I guess since I’m the problem and only I can fix me, I have to go ahead and do that. Today, I’m feeling especially alone, depressed, and suicidal, but I’m not going to kill myself (even though, right now, this is the only thing that would bring me any kind of genuine joy). I’m trying, really hard, to better myself.

For example, I’m sober (something I wasn’t for a long time). I’m taking my meds every day (they numb me out, but yeah. still taking them). I’m working, and saving money. I’m in college, getting a degree. I’m trying my very best to get out of the house, socialize, and make friends (although it’s damn near impossible due to circumstance). I’m moving out of my house by the end of the week because I finally have enough money saved to rent an apartment. I’m a legitimate workaholic with straight A’s and money in my pocket.

And yet, I do not feel happiness. At the end of every day, I go home and I am me, and I hate me. I should be proud. I should feel accomplished. I finally made it, right? My brain says: “no, no you didn’t make it because too much damage has been done to ever truly be fixed. this will always be a part of you, until the day you die. Your abuse, trauma, and bitterness will destroy you, and you’re powerless to help yourself or be helped by a therapist/medication. It’s too much to handle - just end it. You’ve tried everything, and you know in whatever’s left of your soul that ending your life is the only way you will ever be able to experience inner peace, even if it’s just for a few seconds.”

I am kind to others, but it is an act. I am really very apathetic, and I am kind to others only because I know intuitively that I should be kind to others, and I’m trying to be myself again by helping others. Unfortunately, I have lost all contact with the kids from the psych ward. I don’t know where they are, who they’re with, or even if they’re alive or okay. That hurts.

I am intelligent, but that works against me. I would give up every IQ point making me stand out from the crowd if it only meant I could experience love, peace, and happiness.

I am talented, but I find joy in nothing. Simply existing is a chore. I must force myself to shower and brush my teeth against my own will, because I’d really rather lay there and let myself decay.

Life is a battle, and I just feel like I’m going to end up losing it. I’m sticking around in the hopes that I will change into something better. I need so much help, and I don’t even know where to begin. My mind is the one thing I’ve ever come across that I have not, in the slightest, been able to comprehend.

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I would imagine that it is a form of therapy, because it is a fantastic antidepressant if only you stick with it. I’m very sorry about your wife. How did you begin to move on from that? My apologies if that’s a stupid question.

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I had a lot of support from my family and my community is very tightly knit. That was a huge help.

But I also threw myself into something new. Specifically, I got accepted into law school in the United States went back to Boston with my daughters (where I really enjoyed my time) and completely immersed myself into school, my shul, and raising my daughters.

And honestly I picked law to become rich so I could be driven around in a car and never have to be on public transportation.

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You are a smart (and now rich) man. I picked law for money too, especially because I’m good at constructing well-developed yet concise arguments.

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I didn’t “feel happiness” for years.

I felt rage. I wanted to nuke some people. Wipe whole countries off the map. Destroy a people. I even considered my own terrorist plans. Eventually, I just got mad a the people who sent the boy. This still simmers.

I felt guilt. I knew something was funny with the kid, but it didn’t register – if it had, maybe I could have shielded my wife, as she did for me, just by how she was standing. This went away.

But mainly I got through it because I was a dad and my daughters needed me.

So, serving my daughters is how I healed.

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I’ve read that “attention-seeking” would be better termed “connection-seeking,” which is what I see you as doing, liftangry, and what I think jshaving was trying to say. I appreciate that you come here and express your thoughts, because you need voices outside of your head to balance the ones inside (your parents’ and your own self-talk), and we have those for you.

I attempted as a teen also. I could go on and on about the stupid, self-destructive stuff I did before I left home at 16, but it doesn’t really matter. What’s interesting is that it was such a dark and desperate time for me, but in reality I was only off the rails emotionally for a couple of years, and drugs-and-such-wise for a year or so. I’d GED’d and started community college before I was 17. At that point I was still a fuckup, but a safe, garden-variety fuckup. I stabilized as soon as I was out of that house.

I think the message everyone is trying to give you is HOLD ON. Also, bipolar d/o, if that’s the diagnosis you fear, falls on a spectrum just like everything else. I worked with (coworker) a woman with bipolar disorder who had a PhD and was running my agency’s school-based program county-wide. I work with (clients) several completely functional people with the d/o. Your mom is all sorts of things that are in addition to it. I’m anxious, but I work at being cool. I’m ADHD, but I impose structure on myself and so am prompt and reliable, live in a tidy house, and manage my professional life very well. I’m a victim of abuse and neglect, but I work at being happy and feeling safe. I started back with a therapist this past winter, because my fear of loss fucks with me in relation to my marriage, which is the best and happiest thing I’ve ever come across, which makes me feel vulnerable. You’ll do the same with whatever mental health issues you have. You’ll methodically work to make it manageable. And then it will be.

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I guess to be more specific, I mean making rational decisions, even if subjective, based off the end result. Not because you’re red or blue.

Of course you’re going to vote in self interest, that’s the point, what you think is right, someone else will hate.

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Thanks, I appreciate it more than I can really express at the moment.

Yeah, this is what I’m getting.

So we’re merely changing the terminology around while keeping the same implied meaning? This meaning would be, implicitly, that I’m insecure and in need of attention (which is true); but there really is no danger of me killing myself because I just love to talk about it in order to make people upset and worried and concerned about me? That’s exactly what jshaving was getting at, and even though he linked my “attention-seeking tendencies” to trauma and abuse, to him my intent is still the same - I just get off on making people feel concern for me because I’m merely an immature, inconsiderate, and selfish prick (but only because of my circumstances, of course) with no real problems to contend with.

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No. I tell parents all the time - and they are always the same parent; angry and negative - that sometimes kids seek attention because THEY FUCKING NEED SOME ATTENTION. Perhaps we should just give it to them without spinning it into something ugly?

You’re doing that; spinning it into something ugly. I’m stating in a value-neutral way that needing connection is absolutely valid. It is a human need. You’re not saying “look how high I can jump,” you’re saying “I’m alone and in despair.” Why on earth would anyone judge a call for acknowledgement? Why would you?

@jshaving is also a teen, no? Perhaps leave room for him not to express perfectly what he is trying to say. I read it as “you’re looking for something, keep looking!”

I think I just saw him invite you to live at his house. Does that indicate the scorn and lack of respect you’re interpreting from his posts?

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no, you’re 100% right. i’m just paranoid. i saw it as a jab. @jshaving sorry dude. no hard feelings?

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I’ve always wondered why does the Israeli football / soccer national teams and clubs play in European championships.

I have a strong suspicion why (lol) but I never cared enough to google the answer.

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We used to play in the Asian Cup, but after defeating a number of Muslim countries, they began to refuse to play us and forfeit. (In part because several countries’ players got killed back home if they lost to the Jooos.) We even went to the World Cup in 1958 without playing a game – due to universal forfeits.

Moving us to Europe league was was a serious part of the 1998 Oslo accord.

Not joking.

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Thank you for the clarification, Jewbacca.

I’ve also always wondered about the Eurovision contest. I know Israel competes in that.

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I don’t know about the specifics of that one, but, in general it was decided to move us to Europe to (kind of) keep the peace.

It’s stupid and unfair to Israel. But then, being an Iranian player (or whatever) and having the threat of death over you if you lost to Israel is also really shitty.

And so we go to Europe and get our ass kicked.

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Yeah, that was what I thought.

Thanks again, man.

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I understand this, and I accept it. But I’d like to think I don’t make my decisions based solely off red or blue. As a matter of fact, I voted blue back in 2012 in the Governor’s race. The choice was selfish. In Kansas, Democrats have spent more money and that included money on state employees. At the time, I was a state employee and the Democrat was the best chance we had for a raise. No one had received one prior to 2006 when Democrat Gov Sebelius was in office. Of course, my vote lost and Brownback won. I think we all know how that turned out…

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hahaha I think you’re putting too much faith on my New England ass to know what’s going on in Kansas state politics

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