Things You’ve Always Wondered About

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Yes.

No. Some of the people I hold dearest have.

Not my brother on my mom, but my aunt’s boyfriends on them.

Yes.

I used to pray God would kill my dad.

This is all up to you. Your life, your decisions. But I hope you don’t. I genuinely do. I don’t know you, but I know you have potential. I know there are people out there who have it worse than you or I can even imagine, and have risen above it and done amazing things, so I know you and I can too. It’s all up to you, dude. But I’m rooting for you, and even if it doesn’t mean anything to you, I am praying for you.

I just came across this video. I don’t know anything about this guy, but it sounds like his childhood was messed up as fuck, and he seems to be doing well now. I sincerely believe human beings can overcome damn near just about anything.

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For reference - no screaming was actually occurring at those hours. I was simply woken up by some terrifyingly realistic yelling that I later learned was entirely in my own head. How the fuck do you get over THAT? Shit is ingrained in your subconscious.

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Well, yes to both.

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Acknowledged, which is why I was not actually responding to you in that post.

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I hesitate to say this because I don’t want to push you in the wrong direction, but…

I don’t think you want to die.

I’ve known a lot of people who have committed suicide. None of them told anybody much about it. They maybe said they were depressed, and had thought about it, but they’d never said they were going to do it, they had picked a spot, and knew how they were going to do it and that it was in a way that they couldn’t be saved.

I’ve also known a lot of depressed people who said they were going to kill themselves, got a lot of people upset and worried, and didn’t end up doing it. I hated that. It’s so selfish. It’s so traumatic for people who care about you.

Here’s the deal. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t know.

You keep telling us all this. Why? If you had zero self care and zero desire to live, I don’t think you’d tell any of us that you feel this way and were going to do it. I think you’d just do it. I think deep down there’s a part of you that wants to live. I think you have gone through an incredible amount of trauma and are still a child, in an emotional sense, and have a lot of unmet needs that you are subconsciously searching for to be met. I know I am. But I think you’re smart enough to know at least some of that and don’t like that it’s the case.

I don’t know. Like I said, maybe I’m wrong. But I’d hate for you to end this. It’s such a waste. You’re young. Strong. Healthy. Smart. You could do literally anything. You could help kids in your situation get out and get better.

You’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, but I’m holding out hope for you.

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Ok. Dog is taken care of.

My first memory of my mother was of her dropping me because my dad punched her in the face. They say trauma like that burns a memory into your mind.

4 years later she got up(we were watching tv.), went into the bedroom and shot herself in the head. She tilted the gun too steeply and instead of blowing her brains out, shot a hole up through the back of her face and out the top of her head. In the confusion I hid behind an easy chair in the living room and got to watch the paramedics cart her out with all of the blood gurgling and mess that goes with a gunshot wound to the head.

And that was just the beginning. It actually got worse in several ways from there.

But that is why I’d suggest building a new and better life of your own making. Mine was fucking wrecked before I even got here.

It took some serious challenges but it had to be done. I couldn’t tolerate the idea of such a bunch of morons and destructive idiots having kicked my ass into a state of poverty, addiction, and eventually death.

So I envisioned a life for myself that they (having died themselves at that point) couldn’t fuck up, and got to work building it.

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I used to get into bar fights (as a teen ager) and beat adults into a state of being unrecognizable. My first time in jail was before I got out of high school.

Etc…

Not braggin’, just sayin. We all have our demons. Mine are just very self actualized.

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Dude, you having a father who cares, access to the internet, some weights, and yes - some people online who care - all of that puts you far ahead of where some of us started or what we experienced. You’re not the first person to think you have it worse than everyone else. I truly feel for you and the horrible situation you’re in. Outside of that, you’re just not getting the reasoning behind suicide being selfish. You’re young as shit and you’ve only considered the people you’ve met. You’ve yet to consider the people you might meet. The woman you might marry - the children you might have. You’re not just depriving them, you’re depriving yourself of the 80% of your life you haven’t lived yet.

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You’re all trying to argue with a teenager. Don’t you guys have kids, or remember how you acted in your teenage years, where you were sure you knew things?

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Not really arguing, just introducing a different idea.

Mine is better. Build a new life and live well is a win. Build a new life and still hate it? Then you can still off yourself.

And I’m just not a “no, don’t do it!” kind of guy. I’ve seen it too many times.

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well, would you just look at me. all bark and no bite. no, i’m not here for attention, which is what you’re saying. i’m here because some kid asked me why i wasn’t happy. do you know how hard i’ve had to fight just to see another day? no, you don’t. you just think i’m here to get attention because IM SELFISH.

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there is. i’m just here to tell you that desire is fading rapidly. i’m talking here because i have, literally, nowhere else to go. at all.

my ex told me the same thing- if you’re gonna kill yourself, just do it

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might means it hasn’t happened yet. i’m not getting married or having children because i’m scared shitless that i’ll bring another me into the world, or that i’ll have a mentally ill wife who just snapped one day and who i can’t help. i’m scared that i’ll have an autistic child just like my brother. dude, i’ll never get over that shit. i don’t have it in me. it’s the only thing i’ve ever known.

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this sounds like fun.

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my father enabled my mother for years. he abused me too. i remember him kicking me in the groin and picking me up/throwing me on the couch out of anger. he also cornered me while i was naked, in the shower, and threatened to beat me up. he then broke the bathroom wall next to my head while i was showering. i saw him do it. my mom watched him do it, and she smiled the entire time. he also pushed me into a glass window. he’s just now stepping in to help me. should i just forgive and forget? i’m broken because of them both. thank you for caring enough to listen, though. it does mean a lot.

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I’ve talked about this before. My brother is 6’4" as an adult and is three years older than me. I’m just under 5’7" and have a slender build, so I was much, much smaller than him as a kid. I don’t know why he raged so, but my childhood was spent hiding from him or, if unable to find a locked place, being kicked, choked, punched, pillow-over-faced, etc. He’s been in and out of jail as an adult - junkie, sociopath.

My father was more abusive toward my brother than me until my brother got shipped out at 17, and then I dealt with his “tough love,” which was to not buy me food and whatnot.

My mother left me to the two of them when I was 12. She had to go “find herself.” She was gentle and nurturing, but since she fucked off to another state, it didn’t matter much.

I left home at 16, a “walkaway” rather than a runaway. I could talk about that but I have to shower. Suffice it to say that it isn’t easy being a slender female teen on the streets. Happily, I’m bright and was able to self-protect to some degree.

And then this ^^. I love my life SO MUCH. So, so much. My life, that I built to look exactly the way I wanted it to.

I don’t have to steal my books anymore, I just walk right into the store and BUY them!*

*This last is meant to be humor.

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Reminds me of myself a long time ago, I’ve thought the same

I’d have probably offed myself at a very young age if I wasn’t afraid of hell. Living a life like that eventually became hellish tho

Pretty sure you can change, I cannot guarantee it’s worth it

I’m pretty sure the vast majority of us wish you well. Family and upbringing isn’t everything, there’s many people that care, especially as you get older

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You do not right now. These things are not permanent. Unhappiness is not permanent, loneliness is not permanent, anger is not permanent, only death is permanent.

Or what @flappinit said above.

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That’s not what I’m saying. I don’t want you to do it.

How old are you now? Like what, 17 or so? Like Flap said, you literally haven’t even lived or experienced most of your life. Your statements of never changing and never finding happiness and never having your own family…never could mean a long time due to your youth. And I know, I know, you’re scared of creating another you. I get that. But what made you turn out to be you? The trauma and abuse. I can pretty much guess that if you don’t traumatize or abuse a kid, they won’t turn out to be (very) messed up. And being autistic doesn’t mean ending up like your brother - some of the funniest and coolest guys I know are autistic. They’re awkward as hell, but they lead normal lives. Just depends where you fall on the spectrum.

And as far as a wife - my mom always told me to fix myself before dating. Tons of people recommend that. I didn’t listen, but I wish I would’ve. Chances are, if you are an emotionally healthy and mature adult, you will attract other emotionally healthy and mature adults. In the state you’re in right now, yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised by how your relationships have turned out.

@SkyzykS had a crazy childhood and saw horrible things. Went on to, in his own words, make a life that he loves more than anything.

@flappinit 's wife had a neglectful crackhead mom who mistreated her, and he himself used to be an addict. Now they’ve created a happy and loving family.

@flipcollar had drug and alcohol problems, and divorced his wife with whom he had a son. Now he’s like the fuckin’ sickest dude ever, log pressing buildings and raising his son well.

(I apologize if I got anyone’s stories wrong - I was going off of memory and hoped I didn’t think of the wrong people.)

And I just don’t think anyone of us, not just you, but any of us can complain. We think certain events in our life have been hard, but none of us have in a concentration camp, been forced to be a child soldier, starved to death, been sold into sex slavery, or any other thing a person could go through that’s actually bad. Like BAD bad. And if those people can get through those situations, I know you can get through your’s.

Like I said, how old are you? Aren’t you super close to just being able to leave it all behind and start up a new life wherever you want, doing whatever you want? Like dude, no joke, turn 18 and hop on a plane and crash at my fam’s place. I am 100% serious. We always have people staying with us. Get away from everything you know, get a job for a while and save some money, and then move to frickin’ New Zealand or Colorado or Japan or something. Get away from the dysfunction, get out into nature, get some counseling or something, and start your own life.

Maybe I’m being too hopeful. I find myself getting surprisely attached to the feeling of not wanting you to die, even though I don’t know you. Maybe it’s because people do care about you? Or because there’s actually decent human beings out there? You do you, man. I’m hoping you pull through.

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I’d like to think I do this, but it seems to be impossible to know the truth. A political decision now might not show any results for years. And then people argue about what caused that result (good or bad).

The politicians are so self serving that they’ll twist anything to fit their objective. And the media is all over the place. They claim to produce the unbiased truth (isn’t that what reporters do?) but I think we all know they can’t be trusted, either.

It’s one big game of misdirection.

I guess the good news is that I don’t need to get bent out of shape about most of them. I can only vote for a few people in my state so I just have to research them. That makes the overwhelming task of researching everyone a little easier.