100%! All big glasses and blinky eyed.
I later received my BA in history (and polisci) but it never quite reached that level of entertainment.
My Ayn Rand book was the Fountainhead. I was all dewy eyed for Howard Roark.
I mistakenly watched a Clockwork Orange with my dad.
I slogged through a lot of books that I thought would be edifying when I was younger. I don’t anymore. Who am I trying to fool? I have no interest in intellectual self-improvement.
Considering that most “classics” were the equivalent of airport novels, you’re not quite off base
I had an unbroken track record; probably because I only read entertaining “junk”, usually scifi and mysteries. (adds self to cabal of Ayn Rand novel readers)
Then I slammed head first into the Dune series, which started out as some of the best books ever. By God Emperor of Dune (I think), the series had morphed into what I imagined reading the bible would be like, except without the juicy bits… I would shake my head in disbelief, or was it wonderment, every time another addition to the series was written.
This made me laugh pretty hard.
I wonder when @liftangryordie500 will finally be happy. Be happy bro. If you can’t find something to make you happy. That’s not drugs or empty sex.
i lost the ability to process emotions a long, long time ago. i am only angry or suicidal, and that is all i will ever be. i am quite literally broken beyond repair. i’m a chainsmoker again, too. i will die soon, because i will be able to experience happiness the day i take myself out. i’m just waiting for the right time. i have the spot picked, and i have the supplies ready. it’s been a hard fight, but fighting a losing battle is just insanity. right? i think we’d all agree on that, it’s just that when we bring it up in the context of suicidal ideations and mental agony, the line of thinking wraps and blames the suicidal person for their thoughts and feelings. you’re expected to keep on keeping on, lest you be considered a selfish, inconsiderate prick who needed to die anyway because they weren’t worth the life they had in the first place.
“look at the family they hurt! oh, poor them. why was he so selfish?”
i guarantee my mom will be fake
crying at my funeral, but i’ve already written in my last will and
living testament that she is not to be present there. she’ll still find a way to sneak in, tell everyone I was the basket case, and she’ll have finally won for good. i’ll be dead, she’ll fake missing me, and she’ll be a happy individual because i’ll be gone.
This is a social stigma that needs to die. Those accusing relations of being selfish for committing suicide should reexamine their own actions/behaviors
On the flip side, this argument has talked more than a couple people off the ledge. However, the question remains whether talking those people off the ledge actually benefitted them considering the massive amount of grief, hopelessness and suffering they’d have to continue to endure. Stopping a suicide is very different from addressing the underlying issues
thank you! this is EXACTLY how i feel. it’s my life. i’m also not leaving anybody behind here. at all. so…i don’t even have to contend with that.
To be clear, I’m not encouraging anyone to commit suicide. I’m just saying that people should be allowed to make their own choices and not be judged, especially not if those judging them contributed to the decision
Have you ever attempted suicide?
It took my mom 4 tries. She did finally succeed though.
Don’t take this as encouragement or anything, more a warning that it doesn’t always work out the way one thinks.
Another guy I knew in sobriety tried to blow his head off with a shotgun. It being what it is, he ended up folding his own face up over the back of his head and blowing his eyeballs out- but lived. Actually went on to be quite usefull and helped a lot of people. Blind as a bat and ugly as fuck now though.
I’ve thought about it a few times myself. Once when I was an early teen, and another time when bottoming out from substance abuse. Turns out I just couldn’t do it.
Now many years later I ended up with a near fatal heart attack. The worst feeling I ever had was rolling into the ambulance knowing that I was dying–looking at my wife as the love of her life was fading, and knowing that my son was going to wake up without a father.
I’ve had a couple of near fatal incidents, but this one was the worst because I had finally gotten everything I’d wanted in life, a loving wife and amazing son and an inexhaustible love for them.
Im not going to suggest that you don’t do it or give you reasons not to. Im going to suggest you find a reason to live.
I didn’t like my life either, so I built a new and better one. And the idea of losing this one that I have now? FUCK THAT!
Hell, I’m even doing cardio now.
Since it’s your own life, who decided it’s a losing battle?
I’ve attempted 5 times. The stupid fucking rope broke. Cheap rope.
see, there is no possibility of living with a massive heroin overdose. there is no narcan in my house - i threw it out. by the time someone found me and the ambulance got there, id be dead for around 20 minutes.
i could! 
see, i’m too broken to ever find this. there will never be healing for me, dude. you don’t know me, and you don’t know who I am. you also have CONNECTIONS to this world — an amazing wife and son and family who need you. I do not. I could die whenever and not a soul would find out.
That’s my point. I created it.
that would be me. and no, you can’t flip that argument and say that i can therefore decide that i’m fighting a WINNING battle, because broken brains don’t work that way. I have a broken brain that is also super intelligent! that’s a deadly combination, much like alcohol and Xanax. they compound each other and make each other worse. see, unless you’ve been in my situation (which i would never wish on anybody), you do not know how i feel or what i go through on a 24/7 basis.
have you ever waken up in the middle of the night every day for years on end, hearing screaming coming from downstairs? have you ever self-harmed just to feel something besides soul-crushing hopelessness and despair? have you ever witnessed your mother (who, in this scenario, also hates you) looking like a chemo patient with half of her hair ripped out of her head all over the back porch while your 250 pound brother mounted her, choked her, and beat her ass; all while being completely and totally helpless to do anything at all because you were 13, you remember it like it was yesterday, and you still have dreams about it every night? have you ever
committed assault on a family member by emptying half a can of pepper spray in their eyeballs while your dad was being attacked and ruthlessly bit by him while driving along a busy street full of pedestrians and children?
has your intelligence ever enabled you to never, ever forget these things and to obsess over them 24/7 all while
always planning out how you’re gonna kill this motherfucker in his sleep by switching his meds out and staying one step ahead of everyone you’ve ever known?
i would hope the answers to these questions are all no.
i could go on and on and on and on and on and on.
so, do me a favor and back off. please. i don’t wanna relive my trauma before i go to bed tonight.
and that’s my point. i cannot. congrats to you, though. seriously.
I’ll get back to this. I have a real doozy for you. Right now I gotta go take care of my buddies dog.
I think it depends. Your the sole caretaker of young children and you try to off yourself without making any sort of plan for them? Yeah, that’s selfish. At least in my book.
OH MY GOD FOR THE LAST TIME I AGREE WITH YOU TOO BUT I DONT HAVE CHILDREN
Just “mock killed” my brother. I got the old sand punching bag, a picture, some red ink, my trusty aluminum baseball bat, and an old knife. Broke the knife. I feel a bit better now that I did that, because boy was I too scared to do anything when I was 13 except call 911. I’ll never forget that night.