So what do you do when somebody loves you but is not in love with you?
My Guess is …nothing?
One word: friend.
(Am I the only one to think that the love word is supposed to be special, unique, that comes rarely, and rocks ones world ? Since we are talking about emotions, I guess people arent too fond of being precise and put these touchy-feeling states in the same category. What happened to appreciate, value your friendship, etc.? Its like those girls that fall in love the first night, 10 times a year. A guess its a definition thing…)
True love is a risk, and people who have been burned often have a hard time making that risk, for fear of being burned again. Many times, the womans perspective is just this jaded person – afraid to put the full measure of effort into it, waiting for the guy to “prove” their love, all the while the guy is looking for signs that his feelings are reciprocated.
But there’s always the old saw: 'Tis better to have loved and lost…
Regardless of religion, I still believe the definition of love given in the Bible (~I Corinthians 13:4-8) covers the subject well. You can’t read someone else’s mind, but hopefully you can break it down by asking yourself if she’ll do each of the things listed there.
Harley…
You brought up a good point about being friends with someone of the opposite sex.
This is purely my opinion, of course.
In my experience…you can be friends BUT there usually is underlying sexual tension. I have had ONE male friend…count that…ONE where there was no attraction/interest on either side.
I don’t think that ex’s can be friends. This is just a bad situation for many reasons. One…as many of you probably know…it is very easy to go back to that ex for that booty call or that shoulder to lean on. It’s that comfort thing. You’ve been there already so it’s easy to go there again. Besides, friendship with that ex complicates things. I’ve found that it is very difficult to get over that person while maintaining a friendship with them. Almost impossible to move on because of lingering feelings. Better to move forward and let your past lie.
That said…
I’ve had male friends who I’ve found very attractive but was not interested in dating them. I guess a friendship like that takes this little thing called self-control.
That’s my opinion. Take it or leave it.
Holy Shit! Smartbulldog… Is this your area of expertise or what. Again this will take a while to ponder. On a quick note I tend to agree with most of it so far, thanks.
Simonbirch, What you are saying is what I have heard and read. It’s sad, too bad, but true.
Let me just say this though:
I don’t believe in love at 1st site. That’s just stupid… to think that it relies on the physical attraction.
(I guess this is why I suck at attracting women in bars)
I guess the other point here is if you Love someone. I mean, have all those feelings you guys have talked about. Even if this person is your inspiration, it truly doesn’t matter if you are not their inspiration. So you are destined to be friends with sexual tension…right?
Hey everyone, hope you dont mind if I stick my nose in here. I registered with the site as I’ve just started taking testosterone (the patches). I’m an Aussie woman and thought I could offer you guys some handy tips.And hopefully you can help me on the thread that I’m gonna post.
It doesnt matter how much you change yourself to pull a woman. You can only keep up the farce for so long. What if you start a relationship with her. How long can you keep the mask from slipping. Anyway a woman likes manners, genuiness (spelling?) and fun!!!
Hey guys. Hope you dont mind a bit of female input. If she likes you , then you’ll know. Go with your first feeling, cause she’ll put out smokescreens and you wont know your own name after half an hour of her playing these games. You’ll get her attention if your funny. dont have tickets on yourself, relaxed and genuine. Always go with that first feeling. Dont be sidetracked or your buggered. Just a tip from a laid back aussie woman.New to the site, hope you dont take offence to me butting in here?
Gonna throw my $.02 in Harley cause I’ve met you and know you’re a genuine guy. My definition of what it takes for there to be a real love is fairly simple. You need to have chemistry and a connection on all levels. As you mentioned love at first sight is nonsense as it only addresses physical chemistry. For love you need not only a physical, but an emotional and intellectual connection or chemistry as well. You really need to be on the same page in just about every aspect of your life. Love is also about compassion and caring for your significant other without making it about yourself. When two people can share and give to oneanother without concerning themselves with what each gets in return than they approach a real love. It’s transcending to place above simple desire and need.
As for the comment about not being able to be friends with an ex, I could’nt disagree more. How people go from claiming to love someone more than life itself, and then to despising them or simply having nothing to do with them baffles me. It makes me question the truth of their love in the first place. My ex wife is my closest friend and a member of my family. My current woman understands this and is not threatened by it and they get along incredibly well. Just because the physical and romantic nature of our love died, does’nt mean the love we have for one another as people should die too. As a couple our loving relationship did’nt work, so we simply redefined the nature of the love and relationship we needed to have for each other. Many people think it’s not “normal” which makes me incredibly sad for what the average person’s perception of normal is. It makes me question the ability of those people to even have a basic understanding of love. But then for most people it’s all about them and not about the person they claim to love.
I guess the real question would be:
Are you able to move on with your life while experiencing these feelings for your friend? If all you will ever be is friends…that’s fine and dandy for the friend…but will that prevent you from moving on with someone else?
Sometimes…it may hurt, but you just have to cut ties in order to be able to move forward yourself.
But if you can remain friends with your “inspiration” and still be able to have other relationships…then good for you. That’s a rarity. Besides…if it was meant to be…all of your feelings would be reciprocated.
Just a little something to think about.
I congratulate you on your ability to remain close with your ex.
I was not saying it was impossible to do so. And it’s nice to hear that it does happen. You’re right. If you truly love someone…then that feeling will remain regardless of circumstances.
I was saying, however, that many people are not able to do that. Some people have a hard time letting go of a relationship and it impedes on their life. They can’t reconcile their feelings and it can be all consuming…sometimes preventing them from moving forward. I guess it depends on how things ended with the relationship. Maybe one person lost feelings (i.e:physical attraction, that “in love” feeling…etc…) and the other person didn’t and just can’t understand why things never worked out. In these circumstances, I believe it is best to cut ties. This is not saying that a person has left your heart. It’s a matter of moving on.
Sounds like your situation was ideal in that you both realized that the relationship wasn’t working. This is closure that many people don’t have the chance to have. You are very lucky in that respect.
But yes…people that break up and end up hating eachother…
I agree…love probably never played a part in their relationship. True love, that is.
Hope I clarified for you a bit.
SimoneBirch: yes you are correct it was much easier in our case as we were both at the same place at the same time and neither of us felt rejected. I understand that for some people if one feels like they’ve been rejected than a period of total seperation after a break up is necessary. But I don’t understand why they would have to completely remain out of each other’s lives. If the person truly was a love than some sort of relationship should be possible down the road. I guess it comes down to emotional maturity.
Holy Shit Billy! The one true test. I knew there was a simple answer to this question. I now have a new quest in life. (ha…)
Magnus…I didn’t realize who you were…hey dude hows it going? How was your ride back? Thanks for the words of wisdom… I still have to look this over a little more seriously. Good to hear from you and I appreciate the input.
Hey Stareide… a womens point of view would be greatly appreciated. How are men supposed to know how to behave without this valued information. What about women anyway? Most women are lucky in that they tend not to change much to attract a man. They don’t need to. For men, unless you are Brad Pitt, the average male has to work very hard at attracting that special someone.
Simonbirch…you are right, the key word is reciprocated.
By the way, I didn’t reveal that this post was about an ex. (just to let you know.)
Hey guys. I reckon that women do change to get their men. Women are full of secrets. A bloke is just who he is most of the time. The only thing a man hides is his fears because its not cool to show them,(thats usually so but everyone has had different experience’s and handled it their own way) But its a blokey thing to be cool with fear, “Nah man, that 16ton blonde comming at me with that machette didn’t phase me!” Yeh right! Inside he was petrified but would never let on.
Girls will never let on anything, ONLY what they want you to know. And girls are uncool in that they will lie to you while looking you in the eyes. Girls talk amongst each other like a guys stupid, but inside they dont feel that at all. They act like that cause they have to control. I am talking generally. Everynow and again, I meet women who are honest with themselves emotionally, are not desperate and needy, who have stuff going on in their lives good stuff, and are happy with themselves and their own company. These girls are like hens teeth, and should be befriended.To find someone who you could love you have to look deep inside and ask what it is you really want in another person. I agree with the guy who is friends with his ex. If you really love someone, then if you grow apart emotionally, why would you push each other away, when you’ve shared so much.
I feel that if you want anything good in your life you have to be honest with yourself.
keep cool!
Watch if behaviour is consistent with what is said (honesty, walk the talk) with women
Don’t believe what women say. Look at what they do. Expect smokescreens to be the rule. And, unless otherwise demonstrated by how she ‘invests’ (gives or gives back), just expect to be cannon fodder or just plain ordinary.
Yeh Dan,not so simple face to face but in short yes. The only catch is that if your not in your body and not in your truth, you wont be able to spring her lies. You’ll be to interested in how you present and your inner eyes will be on yourself.Your outer eyes will only see what they want to see.
The other thing if you get with a lot of women, then learn as you go. Take notice of who she was when you met her and who she became while you were with her, and how she was when you split. Lot of learning their for someone with eyes to see.
I guess… from what I read from you guys (and girls) is that I am just destined to be friends no matter what I feel or need. (sigh)
Friends can be cool too though. You can never have too many.
Best friends are even better.