The Flame-Free Confession Thread II

Training
4450

Please help me. My best friend was molested recently - she was forcibly physically restrained, groped and touched. She and I are both 17. I had to pry out her admittance by asking her a bunch of questions that eventually led to her confessing the truth.

This entire conversation originated when she said that her girl best friend was threatening to tell her guidance counselor about something that had happened, and she vented to me about how her friend was being completely unreasonable.

I, in turn, asked her how bad it was that her other best friend felt the need to tell her counselor about it against her wishes. Her response was “It wasn’t that bad, but my friend thinks it’s horrible. I’m over it anyway.”

I ask: did it involve your parents?

“no.”

“did it involve a friend of yours?”

“not really.”

“did it involve somebody betraying your trust in general?”

“yeah, kind of.”

“did it involve a guy?”

“yeah.”

“were you guys communicative at all when this happened?”

“kind of.”

  • and so on and so forth until she finally tells me that she was alone with a guy (not by her own choosing) that she barely knew, but that she claims she saw around sometimes. She told me that this person touched her inappropriately and against her will, and had to forcibly restrain her in order to molest her. As far as I know, this event took place around a week ago, but our conversation regarding it only began tonight.

I asked her if she knew this person’s name. She refused to tell me. I asked her where it happened. She refused to tell me, but I was finally able to narrow it down to either her house, the horse ranch where she works, or her school (after she said “I don’t wanna say” instead of “no, not there” when I asked her if it had happened in any of those locations). I asked her how old he was. She refused to tell me. I asked her if she’d told her parents about the incident. She has not done so. The only two people who know what happened to her are her other best friend and myself. I asked if she was planning to file a police report against him. She said she was not going to. I asked her if she had blocked him on all forms of electronic communication, and she claimed that she’s never communicated with him by phone or by using any form of social media. I explained to her that if he was able to catch her alone somewhere that he’d probably planned out the attack, and that by extension he most likely knew her walking/bus/subway routes to and from school, work, and her home. I explained to her that if she did not report the incident that he would be very, very likely to plan out another, worse attack (such as by forcing her to have penetrative or oral sex with him). I explained to her that she was very likely to be severely injured or murdered at the hands of this person. She said she was not worried about this, but she could not refute my logic and did not try to argue with the points I brought up. She appeared to be very nonchalant and unfazed regarding her and my discussion of the entire incident, and repeatedly insisted that the encounter was over and done with. She told me at least 15 times, “I’ll be fine, I’m okay, don’t worry about me.” (famous last words, right?) I hope that she doesn’t actually believe she is in the slightest bit safe or that this entire situation is in the past, and that she is merely using her denial of its volatility as a coping mechanism in order to minimize the undeniable and enormous trauma she has experienced at the hands of her molester.

I have her mother’s cellphone number, but absolutely zero identifying information regarding her attacker. I have contacted her other best friend in the hopes that she will be able to shed light on who this person is, because she is slightly emotionally closer to her than myself.

I am wavering between two courses of action.

  1. completely blindsiding my friend and getting her parents and the police involved for her own safety. I would rather her never speak to me again than have to attend her funeral or visit her in the hospital.

  2. not saying anything to her parents, counselor, or police until I and her friend can convince her to report this incident to the authorities on her own, although I don’t know what else I can say; seeing as how I have held nothing back from her in my take on the situation she is currently facing. My reasoning for this line of action is to give her a chance to process what’s happened to her. Picking Option 1 may also cause her to retreat into her shell and deny that anything ever happened. However, leaving her unprotected leaves her at very high risk for another attack.

What should I do now?

4451

I think in circumstances like this you need to be supportive rather than trying to get her to give you more information.

If her life is in immediate danger then the urgency can be justified but you need to give her a pathway to come forward. Making it seem like she is going to be dragged through a journey riddle with interrogation doesn’t open up any pathways.

Your role in this is not to begin an investigation, there are people who actually know what they are doing for that. It is not to manage her well being, again there are people who know how to do that.

Your role is to help your friend deal with what has and is going to happen. To give her another strong relationship that she can depend on. She needs to be empowered to tackle this and your relationship can help her do that. She is/will be vulnerable and she will need to be strong and she needs people that allow that to happen.

If I were you, my first course of action would be to apologise for pushing her so hard but I’d also point out that you are grateful that she told you. Dealing with a vulnerable person is not easy, so I don’t have a lot more advice for you, it is likely very specific to this situation.

I suggest you seek some expert advice.

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4452

I’m active in an environment where child protection is paramount. If a 17 year old told me that I’d have to step in and report it.
This person might still be about. And if they are you’re friend could still be a danger. If I did not report this I’d be in trouble.
But you’re not an adult or a person responsible for child protection. So it’s different.
Your issue is trust. All of my training has told me never promise to keep secrets. Its a hard one as many do not disclose after this.
What did you say to her? If you promised to to tell anyone then yeah you got an issue. But if not its somewhat simpler. No promise, no betrayal of trust.

The thing to remember is youre are just a kid. It’s not fair to place this responsibility on you.

Seek advice from authority local to you. Schools and or Police should have experienced people to help you.
In the mean time be there. Your mate might be struggling more than they are letting on.

All the best man.

4453

@strongmangoals @carlbm I was only pushing her so I could at least tell her mom something was up so she doesn’t end up raped and killed in an alleyway somewhere. I definitely have to give her some room, but I don’t want her to be attacked in the time it takes for her to come to her senses. I told her I’m there for her through anything and everything, and I meant that. She was genuine and thanked me for being there for her, and honestly I do believe she’s more affected by the whole thing than she’s letting on (because who wouldn’t be?). I want to let her get over the initial shock of the experience and do this on her own, because this is a really delicate situation. I am giving her pepper spray (the really strong kind, I had to use it on my aggressive, 250 pound 22 year old autistic brother and it works very well) when I see her, but I am not sure when that will be — hopefully as soon as possible.

My hands are just really tied behind my back right now and I don’t like it because if anything more serious happens to her it’d be the end of my world too. I feel like there HAS to be a way I can help her get over the shock faster, I’ve already contacted her other best friend in hopes that we can work together to convince her to report the situation. Honestly, her father could have molested her. She did not rule that out, and she is 110% at risk for something worse happening to her than being felt up.

The urgency might be justified, but I don’t want to blow the entire situation up and have her profusely deny that anything even happened to her. Hopefully, the cops and her parents wouldn’t believe her over her two best friends telling them something like that, but if she doesn’t take action or cooperate there’s nothing anybody can do to help. Because I don’t even know how involved this person is in her life or how frequently she sees him within her general proximity (although she claims she does not), I can’t assess the urgency of the situation and react accordingly.

I don’t give a fuck if she never talks to me again after this so long as she’s safe. Honestly, if I thought she’d cave into the pressure from her parents and the cops to tell them what was going on and who molested her, I would tell them in a heartbeat no matter what the fuck I promised her (in order to get information from her). But, I believe she will not and will simply deny the entire situation.

4454

WOW you are very caring and mature… are you seriously 17?
With that said, you’re her friend, not her parent/caretaker. I suggest giving her space to process everything. I’m sure if your relationship with her is as strong as you say, she’ll come to you for help if /when she feels ready.

4455

Find out who the dude is from her friend and help get him that wired shut jaw surgery he’s been looking for.

4456

IUDs scare me to no end

4457

@carlbm @strongmangoals @anna_5588 @wanna_be

UPDATE: I talked to her other friend and her some more. Here is what I found out:

  1. There were multiple escalating incidents, beginning with him kissing her without her consent. As far as she has told me, her being forcibly restrained and groped is the farthest it went, but I am assuming she has already been raped because she told her other friend that there was more, but that she couldn’t get into it.

  2. She first mentioned the incidents to her other friend three weeks ago.

  3. He is an adult, around 20 years old.

  4. He has been working at her current barn job for years, and has a close relationship with his/her boss. She has quit her job there, but still goes back to the barn every single week in order to care for her injured horse. She works around her new job, and is there from 8-10 AM and 8-8:30 PM. On Friday nights, she is with her coworkers for 3-4 hours. She is surrounded by her coworkers, including the guy who assaulted her.

  5. She is in danger of being raped or assaulted once again - she is going back to care for her horse Friday night.

  6. According to her other friend, she is completely despondent and very reserved. She does not look well.

  • I have her mother’s number, and I am planning on calling her up to tell her the situation and having her friend back me up - even if my friend denies the assaults, two of her best friends telling her that her daughter got molested, groped, and more than most likely raped is going to bring up some kind of conversation. She is emotionally close to her mother, and she may be the only person that can convince her to report the incident to the police and cooperate with authorities in order to ensure her physical safety.

She is going to hate me for this, but I don’t care.

4458

I think you’re making a mistake. A) she’s not being molested, and B) unless she sees it as rape, it isn’t.

Be the friend who helps her find her voice.

1 Like
4459

Please read what I’ve just posted.

4460

You’re doing a good job being rather caring.
But at the end of the day it’s up to her to decide how she wishes to protect/take care of herself.

But I’d agree that your obligation is to now build a level of trust with her.

I this mentioned earlier, on a different subject, but I too have been sexually assaulted. I was walking home on a route I typically didn’t take, and that’s all it really took to meet a situation that’ll now be with me for the rest of my life. Every single person who decided to poke and prod me about what happened, I would immediately lash out at them. Not because I hated them or anything, but because it was my only real line of defense I had left. If you do decide to talk to her, let the subject matter be of a different topic. Not to take away from anything that’s happened, or to say it’s not important, but so that the young lady isn’t triggered to put up mental defenses.

I myself, reported the whole thing to the police afterwards, despite not even remembering important details about them, and despite being threatened to not call the police. Back then I felt a bit useless trying to describe them, because my brain was doing everything in its power to block out the traumatic experience. Idk what the perp said to young lady, but if he threatened her, that could be another reason she’s not responding the way you’d expect her to.

At this point, befriending her, could lead to another layer of protection. You might not always be able to be around her, but the more frequent you can be, the more she can be ensured safety.

For me, after notifying the police, they took it a step further and notified my school, in turn the faculty notified my teachers, who were aware of the close friends I had, and pulled a few of them aside to inform them of what happened as a means of support. I hadn’t told my friends for some weeks, because For a whole words couldn’t even describe how I felt. At first I was angry because I didn’t want this being something everyone knew. But before I figured it out I noticed my closer friends deciding to walk home with me. And up until I got my first car, it was routine for them to just walk home with me.
I say all of this because there can be a trickle down effect for making sure your lady friend has support. Even if it’s not you personally, somebody can be another means of protection.

I’m just now seeing your update, so again, I’d say to try and expand how many helping hands are available. Be it you or someone else. If you do decide to report it, at least have multiple people who are also concerned, or are also seeing that something isn’t right. I know you haven’t called her parents, but I’d say to do so. Even if that’s as far as your help can go, you expressing concern to her parents or friends or another adult is a step in the right direction.

4461

Yea dude. Time to tell some people. That’s bad. One day she will understand you did this to help and protect her.

4462

Dude - as much as I care. A T-Nation forum might not be the best place for help. Do you not have people around you to fall back on?

You are only 17, this is a big deal. Go find a adult and get help. Someone on your side incase her mum sides with her and youre left out to hang.
And thats not me being patronising - but one of hall marks of maturity is knowing when you’re out of your depth and need guidance. I’m hoping you got it. I mean that why you’re posting on here. For guidance. And as Im trying to say - a bunch of people of the Internet you don’t really know should not be your first, last or any source of moral compass really.
Good luck dude.

4463

Here’s something to consider - I doubt this is the first time this guy has done this. Imagine if his last victim had spoken up and the guy had some ‘splainin’ to do - it might have prevented your friend from being put in this position.

And, if your friend doesn’t speak up, someone else is going to be victimized. It’s as irresponsible as leaving a loaded weapon laying around.

The best tack would probably be to get your friend to get counseling - either in school or out, and to report it eventually.

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4464

I did. She’s having non-consensual encounters with an adult male, but in most - and I suspect all - states she is considered to have reached the age of consent, so unless she is willing to define these encounters as violations they are not. It’s up to her to decide whether to report or not. You, as her friend, have tremendous power here, but your power lies in being a source of comfort and a sounding board. Urge HER to talk to her parents or someone else she trusts. Otherwise I see you as having violated her trust as someone else has violated her person.

You should talk to your therapist about this.

5 Likes
4465

I think this is really important. Personally, it really bothers me and I would like the perp to get his due. If it happened to my daughter, well…

As usual, @EmilyQ nets it out for the rest of cro-magnons.

1 Like
4466

If you don’t care if she hates you for this, like you say, then you need to report this ASAP. What if this guy does it again, or something worse, to her or someone else and you had the power/knowledge to step in? That probably would weigh heavier on you than speaking up would. Women being scared and hesitant to report this sort of thing themselves is common. This guy is a predator piece of shit and needs to be held accountable.

1 Like
4467

Yes. Let me sit back and watch my best friend get raped because she’s too scared and too self-conscious to speak up. The reality of the situation hasn’t hit her yet, but by the time it does it might be too late. Apparently, she mentioned this to her friend THREE WEEKS AGO and her friend has not at all been able to get through to her.

I don’t give a fuck what she thinks about me. If she wants to be mad at me because I’m trying to keep her from being molested AGAIN and subsequently getting her throat slit and dumped in an alleyway somewhere, I don’t care. She has her other best friend to lean on, and I’ve already told her other best friend I’m going to take full responsibility for telling her parents even though her other best friend is going to secretly back me up and join me in doing this. A more important job for her best friend is to be her best friend, and not breach her trust like I’m about to do. I’m not going to blindside her, but I am going to tell her that she will hear more about this from her parents. They may be the only people able to keep her safe and pressure her into talking.

I vehemently disagree with your perspective on the matter, and I find it absolutely despicable that you’d rather I not say anything if I can’t get her to do it herself. I’ve been trying all night and all day to get her to speak up about it, and her other best friend (who she is closer with than myself) has been trying to get her to say something for THREE WEEKS. I’ve recently stopped pushing the issue because I don’t want her to retreat into her shell, and I want to distract her from her own mind.

You also just put me on the same level as her rapist, but I’m not even going to respond to that comment because it’s such an utterly idiotic thing to mention that I don’t have to. If I can’t get her to speak up about something she has TOLD ME she is not okay with (but that she has claimed she’s “over” and just wants to move on from even though she is still very at risk for being assaulted yet again, partly because she refuses to avoid him so that she can care for her injured horse), I have no problem doing it for her even if she decides to never speak to me again. If she’s dead or ends up in a ward because she snapped, it won’t matter that I’ve violated her trust because she won’t be here. She’ll never be okay again if she doesn’t get help and this continues to happen because I didn’t want to be a bad friend and “violate her trust”.

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4468

@The_Myth she HAS defined them as violations to me and her other best friend. Her other best friend has told me she looks very, very despondent, quiet, and nervous. She is downplaying the entire situation so she can cope with whatever happened to her, and it isn’t working. I don’t know if she’s been threatened by her assaulter about her family, friends, or even herself. There is no way for me to find out, because she will not tell me what is going on. I have no identifying clues about who he is, other than her friend telling me he is a weirdo adult coworker of hers. Neither of us know the specific barn she works at, but we do know it is in Long Island.

She is without a doubt severely depressed, and she may be suicidal because she is repeatedly making the same kinds of suicidal jokes I made back when I was planning out my own death a few weeks ago.

Me: “what’s up?”

Her: “haha not much wanna kill me tho haha”

Me: “How was your day?”

Her: “haha it sucked lol but quick question you wanna actually shoot me lmaooooo”

@roscop12 if I cannot convince her to tell her parents by tomorrow night, I will be informing them of the situation for her.

4469

Someone already had their power taken away before. Reporting on their behalf is taking their power away again.

It’s frustrating as the friend of someone that has gone through this. I have been there. I have wanted to do what you wanted to do. I wanted to do even worse, find the person and kill them. At the time, I had nothing to lose and was going through a bad time.

I am glad I did none of those things.

When this gets reported, this person is going to have to relive this experience over and over and OVER again as it goes through our legal system. I imagine they don’t want that.

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