The Dating Thread

Off Topic
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I was supposed to go to sleep… But I can’t sleep :frowning:

We are referring to optimal marriage outcomes. There are certain religions that encompass a paradigm that I don’t perceive as being conducive to an optimal martial outcome.

Now, this is just MY perspective! Anyone is free to disagree with me. But when we refer to adopting religious fundamentals within marriage, what if the particular religion/community advocates for polygamy?

I don’t know what the exact laws are within the US, however I know various communities and some religious factions view this as a normal aspect of marriage. To which I argue “doesn’t this break the sanctity, the state of holy matrimony associated with marriage?”

I suppose the rebuttal would be "there’s a difference between state/federally certified marriage and a religious marriage certificate. Marriage from a bureaucratic context refers to a certificate validating a relationship and the associated financial implications. Marriage from a religious context entails what I’ve referenced above, however the pivotal fundamentals that need to be upheld from a religious standpoint may differ by religion. Perhaps within a given community polygamy is culturally engrained.

To which MY rebuttal is “But it’s gross… I don’t like it.” Aaaaaannnd I win…

Just taking you through my thought process.

Will do, thank you. With all that has gone on in Aus over the past two years, any semblance of community has been shattered here. I consider society here to be very, very toxic at this point in time. Even religious gatherings (synagogue, church etc) were shut down with police raids, MASSIVE fines for the hosts (like 100k or so, 10K+ for those attending). At the very least organised religion upholds a sense of community in times of turmoil, we even had that taken away from us… And believe it or not I do occasionally attend synagogue.

I know. For clarification, when I respond on here I tend to write down what comes to mind. It’s not a jab at you, I’m not here to direct attacks at you.

I can understand why you might infer this to be directed at you as I was responding to you but it’s not a jab at you. If I was throwing in a zinger, I would be very direct about it… But I’m not going to do that unless we refer to the occasional, friendly yet sarcastic quip. I HATE it when people resort to ad hominem attacks or subtle yet obvious insults unless the person they’re directed at is a bully who deserves it (which you are not). I wouldn’t replicate the conduct I myself tend to abhor.

That’s fine… Do whatever works for you so long as you are an adult capable of making your own decisions, so long as those decisions don’t hurt anyone aside from perhaps yourself.

I haven’t had a haircut in almost half a year! Covid restrictions shutting down all small businesses will do that :joy:

That’s fine… My brother is on course to do the same, but they’ve been dating for almost FOUR YEARS. They love each other so much, they’ve merged into one massive hermaphroditic blob. I have a special name for them when we hang out. The first half of the name is the first few letters of my brother’s name followed by the last few letters of his girlfriend’s name. I expect they’ll tie the knot within a year.

She’s his high school sweetheart, but it’s not as if they’ve just met.

Agreed, don’t pass up opportunities in life.

Too long… I’m currently watching my grandma who lives with us slowly deteriorate due to a fun combination of Alzheimer’s and dementia… Super depressing…

Not doing this, I’m not naive enough to think I need the “perfect” partner to settle down. Perfect people don’t exist…

I agree with the former… But I don’t think marriage is about sex. Marriage is about union til death do you part; symbolising utter devotion, love and commitment towards one another. From a religious standpoint I suppose we could infer marriage in part is about sex as marriage = permission to engage in sexual relations. However I like to think marriage is about more than that. You can have meaningless casual sex, but the bond created through spending decades together cannot be casually replicated.

I like to walk up to women and say “if you were a fruit, you’d be a fineapple. If you were a vegetable I’d visit you in the hospital every single day!” Works 0% of the time, every time!

That’s part of the game, you ask her out. Go on a date, find out more about one another and figure out whether you are compatible. Last time I did this was at university. There was a new girl who was shy, very nervous and wanted someone to show her around. So, I invited her to go to gym with me as I found out she liked exercise. Afterwards, we got lunch and talked about our upbringing (hers Catholic, mine Jewish), our hobbies and interests, music tastes (I need to be very careful with this one :joy:) etc. After two dates it became apparent that while she was a nice girl, we weren’t compatible.

Another big issue for me is, if the girl isn’t Jewish my family likely won’t approve.

Very, very, very, very, very, very relatable. I can understand that

I extend my sympathies, it’s not fun…

It wouldn’t, unless one partner is forced to adhere to stricter protocals relative to what they are comfortable with. I’m not a fan of full body hijabs (covering everything but eyes), I personally think that’s absurd. However many would call me out on this for discrimination. To note, I have no interest in banning hijabs or anything like that. I’m not a tyrant, but I do believe I am free to have my own opinions… Even if I have to keep them to myself sometimes #dontcancelme

Ahhh… Shit… I’m sorry :frowning:

I’ve given my views on abortion before. But I’ll specify, I don’t think abortion is a ‘good’ thing, anyone who looks at the concept of abortion and thinks “FANTASTIC!” Is probably a bit of a psychopath. That being said, I’m against making it illegal unless we refer to after the point wherein a child is capable of surviving outside of the womb. That… to me… actually may be equitable to murder. The exception I’ll grant in that case is the instance wherein the mother is ill to the point wherein she is going to die, that or incest… The former isn’t an abortion, it’s an emergency operation that prioritises the mother’s life. My brother and I were born EXTREMELY premature due to the former example. I was so small you could fit me in the palm of your hand. We are both very lucky to be alive, I hAvE nO hEaLtH pRoBlEmS. Had my mother died… Chances are we would have died too

However I won’t delve into this topic anymore as you’ve specified in the past you don’t like talking about it (understandably). It’s a very controversial and emotionally charged topic for many.

I tend to believe it becomes harder and harder to control after the age of sixteen. My folks were fairly militant with me because I was rebellious at a very young age. It led to me going off the walls for a brief period from the second I turned eighteen until I was almost twenty, at which point I thought to myself “what the fuck am I doing, this is pointless. What am I rebelling against?” And I settled down.
More factored into it, being around unchecked hedonism led me to see the flaws/downfall associated with that lifestyle up close. I’ve lost/fallen out of touch with numerous friends. It’s a painful process watching someone you care about deteriorate very rapidly until they’re merely a shell of the person you once knew

I had my fun, and to be honest I have no regrets as I never let my conduct harm anyone else aside from perhaps myself.

What about Seinfeld and Friends!!!

I assume this was probably very new when you were a kid. A niche genre of music that pandered towards those struggling with existentialist angst. I’m not saying this was you, just the demographic this music catered towards.

I still listen to all of that stuff, have from the age of six. I don’t listen to it with others, it’s private and 99.9% of the population doesn’t like my music. I don’t intend to stop… But I will ask you this

How did you stop watching completely? Esp interested if at the time you didn’t have a partner. AsKiNg fOr a FrIeNd.

I disagree in terms of comical tv shows and music. I. Can’t see how listening to punk, or some Metallica, heathen etc while working out equates to ‘destructive garbage’. Quite a bit of the metal I listen to even consists of lyrical content critiquing society, lamenting societal degredation. You’ve also got Christian death metal, "un"black metal etc. You can tell me it’s garbage because it sounds a certain way, you can tell me my favorites shows (friends, Bojack Horseman, House M.D, that 70’s show) growing up are/were all garbage. But I’m free to disagree with you on the matter. The only example above that you MIGHT have a point with is that 70s show… However within the program promiscuity is discouraged and is shown to be associated with immense ramifications. The characters smoke a lot of pot, and as a result none get very far in life… So even then, the actions have consequences.

I hate to tell you, but most music is like this now. Have you ever been to an indie rock concert? Or reggae, folk music, classic rock, jazz, trap/house music, hip hop etc.

Metal may be considerably more aggressive in the most pits. I was once punched in the face with such force in a metal mosh out that a fountain of blood virtually erupted from my nose, another time I had my shoulder partially dislocated in a thrash mosh pit…

but the prevalence of drug use, public sex and SERIOUS degeneracy from the other music subtypes from my experience far exceeds that of metal concerts.

I’ve only ever seen weed or alcohol at metal concerts… Once saw someone take a pill on the way to a metal concert, but that could have been anything. At other music venues I’ve seen EVERYTHING, I’ve had people try pressure me into taking things when I’ve adamantly said “no, I’m driving home… Not a chance!”.

Metal/punk is far from the most degenerate of music scenes. At least that is my experience.

I’m not a nihilist, I don’t believe life is meaningless. In the grand scheme of things referring to all that is and will ever be? Yes.. but that merely means we need to appreciate life during the tiny speck of time for which we exist. We need to cherish what we have and value those closest to us.

Neither do I… I have lines I won’t cross. If I viewed life as some experimental ground I’d have a far higher ‘body count’, I’d be okay with the concept of polygamy, I’d dabble with risky financial endeavours etc. I do give myself more leeway as there are certain pivotal milestones associated with a normal life that one could argue have been robbed from me. But I don’t blame anyone for this, sometimes life is unfair. We can’t have everything

But at the same time I would never force/push my world view based around my unique circumstances on someone else.

As am I… But I’m also pessimistic over many non western cultures.

So… That’s unfortunate

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Through work.

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I’m not telling you to indulge

I’m not sure what you equate with indulgence. I’m not aggressive, I’m don’t indulge in deviant behaviour. I’m not a ‘drug user’ aside from the odd sandwich (how I met your mother reference, and for reference not around minors), cigar or glass of scotch (with ICE in it… What sadist doesn’t add ice?). Once again, I wouldn’t consume alcohol or smoke a cigar in front of a minor either… Unless we refer to kiddish wine, I can make an exception for that.

Yes, I’ve tried things in the past, however brief adolescent experimentation that has ceased to be a part of my life needn’t stick with me forever. #noragrets…

Pessimism makes me sad and a little bit cynical, but even then I never display it openly for people to see as I don’t wish to bring people down. No one wants to be around a downer, so nowdays I’ve found a way around it.

I keep my schedule very, very busy. This impacts sleep sometimes too. Wake up at the crack of dawn → work long shifts → run errands → illegal Muay Thai attendance (not illegal anymore, but it was out of the radius by which government permitted me to travel) → lift weights → take dogs on walk → go for cycle if I have time → dinner and fat protein shake → forum posting whenever free time pops up.

Other intermittent distractions include social meetups in public areas with friends that I can get away with if questioned by police… Like meeting up at the supermarket, or at a park for a walk.

The point being, I keep myself busy to avoid wallowing in my own thoughts. Also, I’m not always sad… As of recent the prospect of getting out of Aus has reignited a level of vigor within me that I lost a long time ago (ever since we turned into a flat out police state). I’m leaving in one month! Very excited

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I did not make any judgment on you. I was talking about pessimism, stated I can empathize with a pessimist, and then said why I shouldn’t go down that road.

Perhaps indulge wasn’t the appropriate word.

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I just had an aha moment thanks to pwn’s response on another thread

The problem with gym buddy (aside from the emotional/physical expectation) is that we don’t have an intellectual connection.
Our relationship is based on hobbies. I don’t have the knowledge to talk engineer with him and he doesn’t have the knowledge to talk econ or psych with me
He’s also not really into history or writing and I’m not into coding

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That actually is not a problem considering serious relationships and marriages don’t need common interests. My wife and I do not have common interests.

A hobby can connect people and a friendship can result from the connection but the hobby is not what strengthens the friendship.

So it seems like you have peculiar expectations from both friendships and relationships/marriage.

It seems like you want utterly cerebral and agenda-based dealings with people. Most people are not into that. They don’t want to be at work when they’re with friends and partners.

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I think I’m probably wired differently somehow
No joke I’ve had dreams about my friend (that one) and the “fantasy” is that we’re working on proofs or writing a model together.

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Not that an important, my wife is absolutely terrible at math and science but excels in sociology and the like. We are polar opposites in that regard.

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I laugh and joke about it, but it’s true:

When my wife and I met she taught kids with severe psychological problems during the day and bar tended on nights/weekends. I laughed and said “Perfect! Cuz I’m an alcoholic with all kinds of behavioral disorders!”.

And here we are, like 17 years later!

It’s not always “Oh, you like butter pecan ice cream and yadda yadda? Me too!”.

Sometimes it’s the more discrete elements of two people’s personalities that help them to fit together.

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This sure is different considering most men want the following, showing we’re not all that different from one another.

  1. They want to get laid.
  2. They want emotional and moral support.
  3. They want companionship.
  4. They want their ego stroked, more or less.
  5. They want to raise kids together.
  6. They want memorable times together.
  7. They want someone there in times of need. That is, when some guy winds up in the hospital from illness or accident, he’ll need you to be by his side and taking care of all sorts of shit while he’s laid up there.

If he loses his job, you’ll need to console him and give him a reason to push through the difficult time.

If he’s sick, you’ll need to be attending some doctor’s appointments with him and make sure he takes his medication and follow the doctor’s orders.

If his relatives or friends die, you’ll need to attend funerals with him and console him as he cries.

If he winds up in old age, demented and debilitated in a nursing home before you do, you’ll need to be visiting and feeding him pureed slop and push him around in a wheelchair.

You’ll have to deal with in-laws and all their nagging and nosy ways and expectations.

I am not such a wise man, nor do I want to pretend I am some learned elder giving out tough love or be insulting, but we are talking about dating and relationships and it appears you might not be thinking of what lasting relationships are about.

If you want the sort of relationship you speak of, I think you should keep it very casual and superficial, or else you might lead a guy on and hurt him.

And I say this because I have observed people who treat their dealings with the opposite solely as means to get something out of other people, whether it is sex, entertainment, or diversion, with not much if anything reciprocated or anything serious about the other person considered.

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I’ll add that some of what I write will apply to you if you happen to find and marry the one-in-a-million asexual nerds you want. He will have problems, parents, and he will grow old.

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I just want to go on record, since we’re so often at odds, as agreeing with you.

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Nailed It!

My wife has been absolutely awesome from the very start with my health stuff.

Pastor “For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health…”

Me “Hold me bee…coffee”. :rofl:

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Thank you! :+1:

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I remember you posted that. You came to my mind when I wrote it.

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I was never addicted but I gradually grew disgusted by it after my intellect caught up with me and realized its damaging effects and that it is one of elements of the sexual revolution, which, as you know, I believe it one of the strongest society-wrecking forces out there.

I do not blame men for watching it. It is addictive, nearly all of us stumbled upon it accidentally at young ages, and it is a vice that goes right to the core of man’s foremost weakness. I consider it an exploitation of male viewers and a complete derangement of sexuality.

Plus I believe God doesn’t want me watching it.

So that sort of revulsion is a strong enough feeling that makes one stop consuming it.

Perhaps this post is a derail of this thread, but it relates to dating considering it pertains to sexuality. I believe men, particularly those looking for potential wives, should trash it.

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Neither does my brother and his long time girlfriend. They literally have nothing in common other than they’re both religious (modern orthodox, keep kosher, keep Shabbas, attend regular service whenever possible). But they love each other to bits, they’re extremely supportive of one another’s ambitions and endeavours.

Some people feel the need to connect with their partner on an intellectual level, others don’t. From my perspective there is actually a very discernable gap in intellect between the my brother and his partner, however I won’t detail that on here. It doesn’t stifle or stunt the relationship. I think they’re the sweetest couple. Dating isn’t a one size fits all game @anna_5588, but as @BrickHead has specified, not being able to connect on an intellectual basis isn’t particularly important. You don’t need to share all of the same hobbies and ambitions either.

Think about it, would you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who reminds you of yourself? Or would you prefer to grow older with someone who has their own quirks, hobbies and ambitions that you can learn about and support (and vice versa).

Remember, people on the spectrum are neurodivergent, so it isn’t uncommon for those on the spectrum to have atypical expectations as our minds fundamentally function differently to that of the status quo.

I’d say “go find another autistic partner” but @anna_5588 appears to be very high functioning, this weeds out all but the fringe minority that encompasses the spectrum of autism/Asbergers. It’s not easy to find compatible autistic partners.

I believe watching it supports an industry that thrives on exploitation and manipulation of those participating. Pornography also imparts unrealistic expectations. I’m trying to stop completely, but it’s harder than I thought it would be… I don’t have a partner, I think that makes it harder to refrain.

I don’t know what God is, I’m not an atheist as I believe there is a force/energy that is beyond my comprehension. What caused the big bang, why are things exactly the way they are? Science can explain a lot (like evolution) but it can’t explain “what precipitated everything that is and will be in the future?”

As to how addictive it is… The science is murky, but through anecdotes and the correlation between heightened dopaminergic stimuli and sex would have me believe it is in fact addictive. Though there is no correlation between acutely viewing porn and delta fos B over expression as is seen with drugs of addiction.

Does that mean pornography isn’t addictive? No… And like other habit forming activities like cigarettes, alcohol consumption, gambling, shopping for designer possessions etc, excess exposure starting at a young age is probably far more problematic in terms of neurological rewiring relative to adulthood exposure. The young (13-16) teenage brain is especially malleable. Thankfully it would appear a “reset” is possible, however it requires abstinence for 3-6 months… I can go a month without, and have before… But eventually I always end up reverting to my old ways, habitually viewing it a couple/few times per week. You are correct in that it exploits male sexual impulse, but that’s not why I wish to stop viewing it.

Not a derail, pornography to a degree manipulates societal expectations, thus altering the nature of the dating scene for the worse. However my prime issue with it isn’t what it does to men. There is literature indicative adult couples who watch pornography together can benefit under certain circumstances in terms of how healthy their sex life is. I don’t like it because of the connotations associated with porn. What kind of industry am I supporting? What kind of man/woman willingly chooses to start starring in pornographic videos? Do I want to support an industry that directly preys on these people to manufacture the product, let alone the way by which they market to consumers?
No…

If concern over the effect products had on the health of the consumer I wouldn’t smoke the occasional cigar, drink any amount of alcohol, purchase lottery tickets when the jackpot reaches gargantuan proportions. The aforementioned industries (big tobacco, alcohol and gambling industries) push products that irreparably damage far more consumers than porn ever will. Alcohol and tobacco products kill roughly 3 and 5 million people per year respectively. Two of the only industries I know of who are legally allowed to market a product of which consumption actually slowly kills the customer.

Porn isn’t what it used to be… Back in the days of playboy magazine that was restricted to adults (or 15+ in Australia) was simply a staple vice for adults, but not an absolutely abhorrent one jam packed full of disturbing content. A pair of breasts on a centrefold imo isn’t nearly as damaging relative to what is so easily accessible with a quick Google search today.

Pornography actually started up before the sexual revolution, it largely depends on where you were from. Overseas in Europe, pornographic magazines became common in the 1870s. Americans immediately started importing them until a ban was put in place. Tijuana Bible’s and dawn magazine started up in the early 20’s, playboy in the 50’s. The difference being, pornography wasn’t as easily accessible, and it didn’t commonly encompass the extremely disturbing content you someone’s see today in mainstream pornography.

Erotica has been around before the 1700’s, and some of it was absolutely depraved (Marquis de sades writings for example). Sexually explicit content isn’t new, it’s just more in your face now.

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You sure you’re doing it right? :thinking:

:rofl:

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Some of the elements of the revolution go back hundreds or thousands of years. The difference is that those who partook in them and their ideas were on the fringe of society and some of the practices in it were punishable, sometimes severely.

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As specified, depends on the society. America, the country that descended from puritans obviously took a harsher stance

Much of Europe didn’t. It was still taboo, but it wasn’t generally punished with prison or execution. I don’t agree with the notion of imprisoning people for pornography consumption, lumping them in with sex offenders, drug dealers, murderers and rapists. Prison time equates to a permenant record, a high chance of re offending/getting involved with unscrupulous characters. That’s not the answer

Look at Israel as to what I believe needs to be done with porn. A law has been proposed (or it might have passed) proposing pornographic websites have an age gate that blocks the content for everyone. To view it, you need to ring up your provider, prove who you are/that you are above the age of eighteen after which the content will be unblocked for you… And only you, with safeguards to prevent young people from typing in the address and accessing it.

I think the government is horrible at regulating this type of stuff, so I’m actually on the fence about it. If it can be done effectively, it would be tremendously beneficial. It would alter the dating scene in a positive manner, it would largely negate the concern of “will my eight year old child be exposed to SpongeBob porn tomorrow?”

I do inherently believe adults have a right to view pornography. Not every adult abides by my world view, most don’t have an issue with viewing porn. I’m not going to force my worldview unto others in the name of collectivism. Collectivism and to a degree indoctrination is how you end up like Australia…

Historically speaking within secular society such an approach generally doesn’t work out. I can’t force the 90% of society that disagrees with me to confirm and abide by my standards. What I can do is shut it out for myself. I don’t have to consume pornography. It’s a ripple effect. Then I can talk to others about why I wish to not view the content, perhaps get others on board, who then talk to their friends and so on/so forth.

I never used to have an issue with it… The switch flipped when I realised there actually is substance to the argument pornography is a damaging stain to society, to the dating scene. Exploration needs to be natural… It shouldn’t be about replicating the insane shit you see in adult films as porn isn’t representative of reality to begin with. It’s fucking up how men perceive themselves and seeding long term insecurities AND it’s screwing up people’s expectations of what sex ought to be like.

For adults who have already had sex and have a healthy sex life, it’s not as much of an issue from my perspective… There’s still the issue associated with exploitation in the industry though

To note, this is my perspective. Anyone is free to think what they want so long as they don’t actually take up a whip and start lashing adults who watch porn