For me, and as I previously mentioned but will expand upon, my l, and my wife meets all
Dedicated to children.
No lengthy roster of exes or partners.
Believes in God.
Not attention seeking and no heavy use of social media.
No serious vices.
Psychologically healthy.
Not married to a job.
Parents that are highly involved with her and our kids.
That’s the list I’d go by if I were single with the knowledge and information I have now. Because they’re realistic expectations I wouldn’t have to settle. I do not and would not need common interests and I don’t need to be entertained.
@TriednTrue What has changed most is my view on the construct boyfriend and girlfriend. Most of these sorts of relationships end and I now consider having a girlfriend to be one of the biggest drain of a man’s resources, time, energy, and emotion, and such relationships end with heartache for one or both people. All for what? All the restrictions that come from being with another person only to get nothing long lasting (family formation, all the festivities and milestones, two families can share, assets). Two grown adults “hanging out”? No thanks.
I understand the case of a man who has divorced and wants another woman. If I were in that situation I’d be seeking an eventual marriage and all that comes with it. No girlfriends!
I also know people typically marry older now. And to tell a young man to shut out the idea of sex until marriage can be unrealistic. In that case I’d tell a young man to seek out a serious woman early in life or to be very careful, do what he he feels he needs to do, but with minimal or no investment. And only have a girlfriend if this woman is dead set on eventual marriage and children and from a family that puts emphasis on family and marriage.
I did not have many girlfriends in my life and looking back on it, I think that was fine.
Granted no one has to take my posts for advice or be fond of what I wrote.
This is great! Hence why I want someone who does sports ahah.
I want to have children. What would they think? “Why does daddy always does sports, but mommy never? Why does daddy almost never allows us to eat chips and candies, but mommy does?” Etc etc
I’m exagerating but you see my point. It’s a lifestyle.
I think this is the sweet spot. Some things are mandatory, some aren’t. I wouldn’t care if my GF wasn’t into metal or roleplay games or whatever. I think it’s nice, it’s like a little secret garden or something.
How do you know then, if this person is the right for you to marry, if you don’t spend some time with them? I’m not just going to believe their word
When I say no girlfriend I don’t mean there can’t be a considerable length of time spent with a woman to see if this woman is wife material. But that doesn’t need to be long at all. Six months to a year is all that is needed. What else is there to know and what more family members are there to be met past a year? Dragging shit out for years, hanging out, and eternally dating? Again, no thanks.
That’s correct! There are women hanging out with 30-plus year old men for years who are waiting for commitment. If a grown man isn’t committing after years of being a “boyfriend”… he’s likely not committing or doesn’t want to.
Full agreement here. We have more in common from an interests stand point than not, she’s just risk averse where as I’m an adrenaline fiend haha. We see eye to eye on a lot, the disconnect just comes with how we approach fulfilling those interests, which has been super healthy for us so far.
@aldebaran Totally understand that. For me, the fitness lifestyle lasts about an hour a day 4-6 times per week so I never give it second thought when considering future building with someone.
Maybe I meant liberty…which is quite similar to freedom. I don’t know, I feel like I’m thinking of some old Greek concept of the term which was more along the lines of being “freed” from having to live like the beasts or something and being able to conduct yourself on a higher plane rather than just following your instincts to do whatever the hell you want like a dog. I can’t remember what I’m thinking of but it’s some really old political or philosophical concept regarding freedom, liberty, or some related term. Had to read about it for a class once.
This made me laugh.
Got four generations in my house right now. Honestly, I kinda like it. There’s always aunts and uncles and cousins and people coming over or sometimes even staying with us for periods of time. I’ve always thought having just a couple people in a house could seem lonely or too quiet but that’s just never been my own experience so I wouldn’t know.
What would you do if/when your parents reached the point where this could become needed? Maybe I should say what would someone in your position do here? Would they be expected to help out with their parents’ care? Is there any stigma associated with retirement/nursing homes? Are they expensive? In my town, which does not have any luxury retirement homes, but several “normal” ones, they can cost up to $10,000 USD a month. It’s very hard to afford even mediocre ones so most end up in subpar places.
@anna_5588 - I saw your response too. I think my views allign more with what you and DT are talking about. Maybe it’s a cultural thing. My family/heritage/living situations isn’t like much of what my friends’ families are like.
I respect your thoughts on this, but I’d add that failed relationships are an important step in the learning and development of younger people in order to understand how to have a successful one in the future. Most people don’t get it right the first time, haha.
Granted, some relationships can end in an overly toxic fashion, but I’m talking about your typical breakup that results in some sadness but the two parties move on and become better for it.
I’m quite young but my girlfriend and I have been together since we met in high school, being each other’s first boy/girlfriend, which was probably…six-ish years ago? And we now have an almost one-year-old son with plans to have more (though probably through adoption). So there’s some history there.
Something that’s changed for me was when we had our son. Watching her give birth and seeing her take care of our baby has given me a new type of respect for her. It’s just seeing someone in very vital role that you’ve never seen them in before, and for me, it was eye opening. I admittedly always thought she was…not super “tough.” Not that she was a weak person, just that she didn’t have a high pain tolerance or something. Wasn’t something that made me not like her, but I just thought I knew who she was. She gave birth like a champ though, and surprised me a lot with how well she handled it. I couldn’t do that. So yeah, that was just something that I wouldn’t have learned with time/going through that experience.
The biggest and most important constant is that our values have stayed pretty much the same. As we’ve matured and learned, some things might change, like stances on various political issues, but over most serious things regarding our own relationship and child-rearing, we feel the same way that we felt before meeting each other. That’s made things helpful. Results in less disagreements/arguments.
I’m glad you posted this view. The first time you stated it upthread, I was challenged to reconsider my beliefs and practices about relationships. My goal is monogamous, lifelong marriage, and your insight into the deleterious effects of prolonged dating spurred me to refocus on my goal and slough off the willingness to date in order to not be single, aka willingness to settle.
What I hear you saying in many of your posts is 1) we should each honestly assess what we want from a romantic relationship. 2) you want a marriage with someone you share core values and goals with. 3) you believe it’s possible to find a person you share those things with. 4) the purpose of dating is to learn whether you share goals and values with that person. If you’ve found that person isn’t a match, continued dating is pure loss for both people.
I agree and your posts have helped me refine my views about dating and marriage. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”
Ok so, my ex girlfriend met all of these. And I still wasn’t happy. Like to a T.
Where o feel like it fell short was in a couple areas. One was shared interest. We both liked food, and we both enjoyed the beach but that was about it. She was very much a rule follower and I am very much a rule breaker. At first I enjoyed this as I felt it kept me balanced and grounded. As time went on it was the little stuff that would wear on me. I remember one time we got into a serious talk (wasn’t an argument but she wasn’t happy) that I honked while driving through a tunnel of all things. Just little stuff like that lol there are more examples but this is always the first one that comes to mind.
Another thing is we shared zero of the same physical desires and goals. Although I may not be the beacon of health and fitness, I enjoyed bettering myself not only mentally, but physically. I enjoy eating and exercising and just generally being active. She did not, at all. My diet when gaining or losing was always at odds with our relationship as one of the foundations of our fun times where centered around enjoying yummy food.
I also really enjoyed being outside, hiking, walking, MTB riding, kayaking, and just even sitting outside in a lawn chair. She on the other hand hates that stuff. We went on one hike, and by hike I mean a smooth gravel path to a water fall and it was a disaster. I swore I’d never do that again with her. Even walking in the neighborhood after a good meal was usually met with huffs and puffs and just a general “I hate this” attitude.
Wouldn’t want to be outside if it was hot, or if the activity had any sort of physical activity which I didn’t like.
Sex was also kinda weird sometimes. All though probably way to personal to share on an open forum, I shall anyways lol
Sometimes when it was all said and done I felt weird. Like sad and awkward feeling. Almost as if I had done something wrong. Although I have a low body count by today’s standards and my age, I’ve never experienced this before. There’s even been a couple times where I would just stop mid sex and tell her I’m sorry, I can’t do this. Idk why, just such strange feelings to have with someone when you’re engaged in something as personal and intimate as sex.
Before ultimately ending it I struggled bad trying to come to terms with what exactly was wrong. On paper she was perfect, but it just never felt “right”. The thought of continuing on for the rest of my life with her didn’t bring the kind of thoughts I wanted it too or felt like it should.
I still miss her, and hope I can find another woman with a lot of her same qualities as well as some that I think I want.
It’s a strange age to date as it feels like most of the good ones are already taken
I know you and I have talked about this and came to the same conclusion pretty much.
I am very much interested in finding someone who either works out, or has some type of athletic background.
Not just for the looks, which is an added bonus, but for the fact that they “get it”. They understand why and how. They also can/have “suffered” willingly to get what they want.
I want someone who can somewhat enjoy/get through the suffering to achieve what they want. I think those qualities boil over into everyday life when things are tough, they can buckle down and make it out ok. Kind of a pull yourself up by the boot straps moment maybe
This is very important, and I haven’t totally learned how to, either. A few tools I’ve used with some success - and plan to revisit in the near future - are 1) listing then ranking in order of importance my values and the attendant behaviors/activities, 2) listing my goals for marriage, and 3) looking for patterns of what worked for me and what didn’t in my past relationships and if those issues are still relevant.
Number three just occurred to me, and I’m going to give it more time and thought.
Oh yeah, I like to write the lists by hand. Better yet, I like to write some things in cursive. Researchers have found writing in cursive helps link both sides of the brain, increasing the quality of thinking and writing.
I don’t even know what order mine would go in, that’s part of the problem.
This is another one that will take some deep thought as I have no idea how to word this.
Well I’m 29 and I’ve been in two actual relationships.
One was from 14, high school sweet heart. Accidentally got her pregnant so did what I thought I had to do and went to the courthouse and got married. It was a complete disaster to say the least. Definitely not meant to be.
The other was my ex girlfriend. We dated almost 1.5 years. So, not much experience to fall back on
