You’ve continually repeated this. You can’t Control every aspect nor can you prevent every dumb decision a person makes. But you can take care of a ton of things from day one!
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I’ll add to this that I know plenty of people who made not one bad life-altering decision and didn’t participate in even one low-brow activity in their whole lives! And uh… they wound up very good!
There a quote from a now defunct internet comedian. “After a certain point, idiots will be idiots regardless of what you do”.
I’m not sure if we are on the same page when we refer to kids being kids.
I refer to playing soccer in the park with your mates, going on group white water rafting trips with friends, watching a horror film at a sleep over, having your first kiss with a special someone that you like, lemonade stands, getting together for school projects.
NOWHERE do I mention oral sex, drugs, alcohol, vandalism or antisocial behaviour… That’s not part of being a kid.
Biologically, everyone is different. Use me vs my brother for example
My brother has never tried recreational drugs, not even once. He has done exceptionally well for himself. He’s religious, was never rebellious as a kid.
We were raised the same way, what gives? Why did I rebel?
As a result my folks were far more controlling with me relative to my brother
And there are plenty who eventuate a different outcome. It’s not black and white. Epidemiological data appears to infer authoritative, but not authoritarian parenting styles mediate the best outcome on average
Uninvolved parenting appears to eventuate the worst outcomes on average.
Nono, it’s actually a legit question when it comes to different Asian ethnicities because of the root of their customs. I don’t know about other Asians, but Chinese people, at least from my generation and prior, are brought up with Confucian shit fucking hammered into us lol. A large amount of this includes filial piety.
So:
Yes, you need to take care of them in theory. Remember the source of the water you’re now drinking. yin shui si yuan. I give my parents a percentage of my pay check every month. This is more customary than anything else since they have enough money to do what they want and it’s understood that they’re “saving it for you” when you need it. For example, an unmarried male might give his mother 20% of his paycheck and she would save it for his wedding.
I don’t see why I wouldn’t want to unless I really hated them.
In Chinese tradition, there’s your “primary” family and your “secondary” family, for lack of better terms. A woman marries into the man’s family and that becomes her primary family, That’s why we want boys as children lol. If the house is big enough and the family is reeeallly traditional with no conflicts between the wife and the husband’s parents, it’s not surprising to see 4 generations living under the same roof.
My dad lived with his parents. My mother married him and moved in with them.
When we migrated, I got them a house near to mine because if I lived with them, I wouldn’t be able to blast Judas Priest without my dad going ballistic. If covid didn’t happen, I’d be having dinner with them a couple of times a week.
Sure. I mean, we don’t do foot binding on women anymore despite my incessant whining about reintroducing it for the lolz.
Seriously, lots of things change. Some traditions are just stupid so we don’t follow them anymore. Introduction to Western culture and religion during colonial times. Government social engineering. Rising housing prices with homes getting smaller and smaller due to affordability. Both spouses needing to work to keep up with costs of living. Your situation in the US with regards to this stuff isn’t unique.
BUT I’m only talking about stuff in theory here. Just because Chinese culture exists doesn’t mean people fucking practice it. It’s like how most of the biggest assholes I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting in life are Christians. The government had to launch a nationwide campaign to tell people to stop abandoning their parents in retirement homes several years ago lol.
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Ahh another change: parents are the ones buying houses.
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@SvenG to prevent derailing your log, I’ll respond here.
I do mean that I will not date anyone who isn’t into working out.
Most of my friends do not take working out seriously. They accept that I do it and think it’s cool that I can do what I do but don’t quite get it.
If I told them I could squat three plates, they would be impressed but wouldn’t get how big of a deal it is to get from 2 plates to 3 plates.
In fact, my friend said “congrats- I’m guessing that’s impressive?” When I told him about my squat pr
It feels quite isolating, which is a big reason I spend so much time on here. I don’t want to have to rely on strangers for these things forever
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That’s totally fair, and I get where you’re coming from. Although I was “lifting” in college when I met my wife (really, mostly just bench pressing, as you know!), it didn’t play as big a role in my life at that stage as it does for you now in a similar stage.
FWIW, we had some other shared interests at that time, but many more that we didn’t share and have learned to appreciate at worst, and pursue together at best, over the years.
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You can squat 3 plates? I thought you only weighed like 50kg… I mean… I can squat three plates ± 10lbs or so, but I weigh like 77kg and I’m a dude.
Can deadlift way, waaaaayy, waaaaaaaayyyyy more than that though. Not sure why there is such a wide strength gap for me.
No I cannot 
It was a hypothetical
Date someone at your fitness level. Same for me!
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@anna_5588’s statement that she won’t date a non-lifter got me thinking about my own preferences in a mate and how some of my desires and priorities have changed through the years. Along those lines, here’s a question I think fits with this thread; I’m especially interested in responses from the slightly older/more relationally experienced peeps -
How has what you appreciate in a significant other changed through the years, and what has stayed constant?
@SkyzykS @BrickHead @EmilyQ and of course anyone else who cares to reply.
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This is something I’m working on myself as well as in counseling. I know of things I think I want, but I don’t know how to assign value to which things are more important.
I’m hoping that hole thing of just meeting someone and when you know you know thing is true, because it’s all confusing as fuck trying not to “settle”
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Do you want to get married and have children? If you do, you can actually come up with a realistic and pragmatic set of preferences for the goals of a satisfying relationship and parenting. Therefore you won’t “settle”. It’s actually not confusing at all. @wanna_be
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I want to get married and I already have two. Idk how I feel about more kids. I like to think with the right woman I’d be down and want another but two things:
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I have two, who are amazing and I love them, but with the wrong woman (long story) so idk how much that plays a role in wanting more.
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I really have no idea
I’ve been mostly skimming this thread as some of the responses became way too long for me to even want to read. But I think this is a good question.
I think the big thing for me that has changed is that I don’t need to have a single common hobby with my significant other any more. Now, I don’t think that this works for everyone, but both my S/O and I are plenty comfortable with how different we are and that it’s okay to do things solo. Previously I felt I could only be with someone that shared my interests, otherwise I’d have to sacrifice those hobbies due to lack of support.
I used to focus much more on compatibility at infrequent things; concerts, parties, trips, other big events. Now I’m much more concerned with who I can spend quantity time with. My S/O and I don’t get out for many events, but I could hang out with her every day and have a blast just sitting on the couch.
The things that have always been a constant for me is a good sense of a humor and an ability to accept how weird people are (including themselves).
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On the topic of expectations, why are so many people against the idea of relationship contracts?
A lot of relationships run into trouble because of not knowing what the other expects. Wouldn’t it make sense to make those explicit and update/review on a semi regular basis?
For most people in good relationships, this is covered by regular and healthy communication with your partner.
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Good question. I think valuing emotions in a romantic relationship, popularized and propogated by Western culture’s media, has overtaken a pragmatic approach to relationships. While I don’t discount the emotional aspects of romance, I’m convinced most Westerners have an imbalanced view of relationships. A relationship contract likely seems too static to most.
We humans are dynamic, even when we don’t plan to be, so a relationship between two people will, by nature, also be dynamic. A relationship contract seeks to turn an inherently dynamic system into a static or semi-static system, and the average Westerner probably feels stifled at the prospect.
However, marriage literally entails a contract between two people, which demonstrates relationship contracts are not only familiar to all (marriage-oriented) people but even expected. The phrase “balancing competing needs and interests” comes to mind. Perhaps relationships contracts are best suited to behaviors pertaining to ethical and moral issues instead of personal interests. I’m curious to hear what others think.
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Interesting! I agree that not everyone will thrive in a relationship without any shared interests. However, I also agree that sharing every hobby, interest, and pastime is both highly unlikely and also unnecessary.
I think I’ve come fuller circle in this area, and it’s one in which my priorities have changed then changed again. I used to want a woman I shared certain hobbies with, such as biking and playing board games. When I hit my mid-30s, I dropped that value in an SO. Now, in my early 40s (and super-single) I’m wanting someone with whom I share what I call personal values - like health and fitness - who engages in activities that further the value, like regular exercise and choosing mostly healthy food. I didn’t share this value with my most serious (ex) girlfriend, and it was a disconnect between us.