After much thought, I have decided that Super Mario is the most hardcore video game character to have ever existed. Reasons:
Physical Attributes: Despite being a chubby little plumber, the motherfucker can sprint and leap through entire worlds without any hint of fatigue. He can do like a 6 foot vertical jump and smash blocks with his fucking SKULL, and on top of that he destroys enemies by jumping into the air and brutally stomping on their heads while actually managing to squish them. Holy. Shit.
Desire to Win: Mario has such a fierce desire to win, that it creates a kind of fearlessnes, causing him to leap fiery pits, dodge plant monsters, and kill a big dinosaur looking bitch by running straight past him and destroying the bridge he’s on with a fucking axe. That my friends, is fucking manly and epic. Not only that, but he is willing to do anything including the use of hardcore drugs to get the job done. From mushrooms that make him all hulked out, to special stars that make him see flashing, colored, lights and turn him into an invincible, deadly, brick wall of a man, (I’m guessing this is the mushroom kingdoms version of PCP or some shit) there is no such thing as “too far” with Mario.
Motivation: Get laid. Yes, I know, it’s never stated explicitly in the games, but we can all read between the lines. Mario goes into beast mode just to get some poon. Time and time again, we have seen Mario conquer a land only to find out that the, “princess is in another castle.” Fuck that! Mario rages on with the kind of fury that only comes from being cock-blocked one too many times, and to Mario, just once is too many. They say winners go home and fuck the prom queen. Mario goes home and fucks the princess.
Ever had a plummer come to your house in a spiffy, meticulously-pressed uniform? No, they dress like human shit. Why? Because being a plummer routinely involves expunging human shit from pipes. Only a gay plummer would insist on a flashy, crimson red-based ensemble.
Yes, he was actively chasing his princess, but it was probably to exchange facial exfolliating tips.
Ever had a plummer come to your house in a spiffy, meticulously-pressed uniform? No, they dress like human shit. Why? Because being a plummer routinely involves expunging human shit from pipes. Only a gay plummer would insist on a flashy, crimson red-based ensemble.
Yes, he was actively chasing his princess, but it was probably to exchange facial exfolliating tips. [/quote]
he got a mustache too. Gay people often have mustache
Ever had a plummer come to your house in a spiffy, meticulously-pressed uniform? No, they dress like human shit. Why? Because being a plummer routinely involves expunging human shit from pipes. Only a gay plummer would insist on a flashy, crimson red-based ensemble.
Yes, he was actively chasing his princess, but it was probably to exchange facial exfolliating tips. [/quote]
he got a mustache too. Gay people often have mustache[/quote]
Ever had a plummer come to your house in a spiffy, meticulously-pressed uniform? No, they dress like human shit. Why? Because being a plummer routinely involves expunging human shit from pipes. Only a gay plummer would insist on a flashy, crimson red-based ensemble.
Yes, he was actively chasing his princess, but it was probably to exchange facial exfolliating tips. [/quote]
That’s bullshit, his clothes are red because they have been stained by the blood of his enemies. And no gay man would chase a woman down for tips on that shit, it’s like instinct to them. And if not they can just watch any of the many queerish shows on tv.
[quote]AttackOfTheChris wrote:
That’s bullshit, his clothes are red because they have been stained by the blood of his enemies. And no gay man would chase a woman down for tips on that shit, it’s like instinct to them. And if not they can just watch any of the many queerish shows on tv. [/quote]
How do you explain Luigi’s green shirt then? Bile from the livers of his vanquished enemies? Possible, just like the Mario blood theory, but a completely more likely theory is that they are fans of the buttsecks.
Even if Mario were a heterosexual, it’s pathetic jumping through hoops and chasing around a girl like that. After you finish the game the part you DON’T see is the Princess telling Mario that he’s “a great guy, like a brother” as she takes off with some punk on a motorbike. If Mario needed to bust a nut so bad he should have just taken one of those “Little Goombas” (mushrooms) and had his way with it behind a pipe or a cloud or something.
[quote]AttackOfTheChris wrote:
He can do like a 6 foot vertical jump and smash blocks with his fucking SKULL, and on top of that he destroys enemies by jumping into the air and brutally stomping on their heads while actually managing to squish them. Holy. Shit.
[/quote]
Dude, Mario’s just a weak little bitch until he gets some shrooms in his system; only then can he crush blocks with his face and shoot the flames of hell from his hands.
