Tough one but issues like this have been talked about on this site before. The bottom line always comes down to the fact that you’re not going to fix it by posting it on the internet. I’m usually not in favor of therapy but in your situation it sounds warranted. Good luck in what ever you choose to do. Just remember you always get out of something whatever it was you put into it. And if you keep doing the same thing, you’re going to get the same results.
[quote]Kaizen08 wrote:
I’ll tell you guys where I think it stems from. A long time ago, like 4 years back (and im 23 years old btw), I fell in love with my best friend. She really was like anyone I’ve ever met. She was really the only person that I had no fear of saying or doing anything. We saw each other at our worst, and it didn’t matter, I would love her the same. But after a while, it turned from just a friendly love to a serious love (you guys know what I mean). While I never told her, I knew that she knew, and she slowly started to distance herself away from me, pretty much rejecting me. So the only person I’ve ever really been in love with, the only person I’ve ever cared for that much, just rejected me, whether it be as a friend or a partner. [/quote]
Jesus man I was a very similiar circumstance not even a year ago…
I started to get really close with one of my best friends. When we’d go out to bars and clubs we’d normally just end up talking and joking on our own for most of the night. Friends (and even relative strangers) would keep coming up to me(and her) and keep asking if we had got together.
So anyways I started to fall for her hard and I thought(and still kinda do actually) that she liked me back so I started hinting at it a small bit.
We told each other fucking everything. I mean, she had issues, but I was the only one she could talk to. She even text me a few times at like 4 in the morning just needing someone to.
No I have a very one-track mind and when I fall for someone, I fucking fall. So weeks and months of being her ‘talk-to’ person but only ever staying at that(she had started seeing a few guys at this stage, which she had never done before) started to get to me. I eventaully got a bit cranky at times and she started giving out to me for not telling her as much as she told me.
But if I told her what was getting to me it could have totally ruined out friendship. And I knew in the back of my mind that I was being an idiot for her. My 2 closest friends actually decided to tell me that she likes to have me around 'cos it makes her feel wanted.
Bottom line is, I don’t really talk to her anymore. She was at a party I was at last week by chance and it was one hell of an awkward meeting. But I still hold a grudge against her because she definately knew that I was crazy about her and that I was going through hell while she was seeing all these guys to get her confidence up and she still kept me close but at a distance.
It literally took me months to realise that if I hang around with her or see her too often, I’d never stop feeling that way about her. So I stopped talking to her altogether. When she didn’t even text asking how I was I knew I did the right thing.
(Didn’t mean to hijack your thread or anything, I only just realised how big and irrelevant the post is, but know I typed it so I ain’t deleting it)
Point is-I know how you feel man. I haven’t had much confidence with girls since but I’ve also realised that sitting on the internet on saturday nights(a bit of a habit for me lately) is not helping me.
[quote]N522PB wrote:
I just copied this from a website, some of the ideas may help you. You have to actually do them, though, dont just think about them… actually do them!
Cultivate self-appreciation
Write a list of your top seven qualities as these are what make you unique. Carry these around with you every day and read them to remind yourself of who you are and what makes you special.
Write a list of past successes
Think about the times in your life when you’ve been successful at something. Write a list of all of these and remind yourself of how you did this and how great it felt when you’d achieved your goals. Use these past experiences to fuel your self-belief and confidence for achieving your goals now.
Don’t engage in negative dialogue
Don?t put yourself down in front of others as it succeeds to tell you and everyone else that you don?t value yourself and have a low self-confidence. (Don’t post something like this again!)
Support yourself and put yourself first
Be your own best friend. Don?t beat yourself up and call yourself names. Be encouraging and congratulate yourself when you complete actions moving towards your healthier lifestyle goal. This will help your self-worth soar.
Choose positive role models
By looking at others in a constructive way rather than negatively comparing, we can help ourselves. Look at others with a glowing self-confidence and notice their characteristics. Pick up words and body language that they use and add this to your own repertoire.
Accept compliments
Being able to accept, believe and feel good about accepting compliments is crucial to cultivating a high self-confidence. The best way to accept compliments is to look the person in the face, smile and say thank you. This will in turn also make them feel good. Looking embarrassed, and feeling uncomfortable will also make them feel uncomfortable
Banish negative beliefs
What are your negative beliefs and how have your negative beliefs held you back so far? Cross them out and make a pact to add nothing else to the list.
Adjust your body language
Having good posture tells your mind, and others, that you?re looking good and feeling confident.
Use positive affirmations
Using positive affirmations everyday is effective as you?re communicating with the negative thoughts stored in your sub-conscious. Pick three strong statements, which literally make a negative self-belief into a positive one. For example, if you believe you?re not a confident person then ?I am a confident person? should be one of the positive affirmations that you say every day. Say your positive affirmations out loud while looking in the mirror and connect with yourself.
Redefine your self-image
Think about and write up who you are now. Identify the bits you want to change and rewrite a definition of your self-image. Read this everyday for the next three weeks at least and be that person. Prepare for the changes you are going to make and the new you by throwing out your old clothes and thinking about how best to dress your new self. Then go shopping![/quote]
Hey this is great advice! 
I’m using it too!
Kaizen, I’m sorry to read what you’ve gone through. None of that is fun and if it’s any help at all, know that others have gone into that black hole. i was there awhile ago too. it’s hard getting out and you’ll probaly still be shell-shocked for awhile.
It’s great that you’ve got a haven - that is incredibly important to have a place you can go and feel like a person.
Since all the other stuff you mentioned is social, it may take a while to make new friends especially ones you can trust and want to be with. Socila loss can be devastating but this time is going to have to be for you. You’ll need to work out what you want( which you already probably know) and how to get it (which may not be so easy).
perhaps the first thing is to take things easy and not rush into anything social - take time out to just chill and get yourself together and come to terms with what happened, whether with professional help or without it.
Can i say it’s a good sign that you sound angry? Someone at T-Nation said once that to be angry was good because it meant you were ready to do something about whatever was wrong. (Possibly Shugart, i’m not sure…frown).
Can i suggest that while you’re working stuff out and going to the gym, try to see some funny movies or comedy gigs occasionally. you’re possibly still misanthropic and bored at the idea but it’s a amazing how a really good bunch of laughs can get your brain into plan mode and lift you sufficiently into a few minutes of peace, even if you fall back into the doldrums afterwards. It’s one way of getting away if you can’t literally leave where you are and it will remind you that at some point you can enjoy life again.
And it’s nice to be in a room full of people laughing
All the best, and take it slow and easy.
[quote]polo77j wrote:
SickAbs wrote:
StevenF wrote:
SickAbs wrote:
OP i’ve got some simple advice for you.
Whether you think you CAN, or you think you CAN’T…you’re right.
you know what, I never thought I’d say this to you but you make a good point with that one.
I can die a happy man…
/being a douche
There’s not end in sight of you being a douche … I think it’s inherently embedded in your DNA[/quote]
Douche genetics must be the best for building muscle
To tell you the truth,If your lifting weights and your scarred to talk to girls and have confidence problems then I don’t really know how to help you. I was the same way until I hit the weights back in the summer of 2007. As I start gradually gaining muscle and getting compliments my confidence grew 10 fold.
Find something that gives you confidence and makes you feel better about yourself. That can be Lifting weights or Boxing or whatever. Its all about you dude. If you want a girlfriend,be active. Make guy friends and then from there make female friends and there the more people you talk to and the more people you get connected to,the more confidence you get to be around people and eventually you`ll land a girlfriend.
One last thing,let your mind go. Release all that negative thoughts and energy. Just let it go. Let your mind free. So what,you get rejected? Move on and find another broad with an ass and big tits. At least you man up and tried. You have problems? Who doesn’t? MOST IMPORTANTLY (IM USING CAPS BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT) THE ONLY THING THATS HOLDING YOU BACK IS YOURSELF.
[quote]SickAbs wrote:
polo77j wrote:
SickAbs wrote:
StevenF wrote:
SickAbs wrote:
OP i’ve got some simple advice for you.
Whether you think you CAN, or you think you CAN’T…you’re right.
you know what, I never thought I’d say this to you but you make a good point with that one.
I can die a happy man…
/being a douche
There’s not end in sight of you being a douche … I think it’s inherently embedded in your DNA
Douche genetics must be the best for building muscle[/quote]
I hope not … cuz then I’m a douche and I’ll have to start training for marathons and shit…I HATE RUNNING
[quote]polo77j wrote:
SickAbs wrote:
polo77j wrote:
SickAbs wrote:
StevenF wrote:
SickAbs wrote:
OP i’ve got some simple advice for you.
Whether you think you CAN, or you think you CAN’T…you’re right.
you know what, I never thought I’d say this to you but you make a good point with that one.
I can die a happy man…
/being a douche
There’s not end in sight of you being a douche … I think it’s inherently embedded in your DNA
Douche genetics must be the best for building muscle
I hope not … cuz then I’m a douche and I’ll have to start training for marathons and shit…I HATE RUNNING[/quote]
running is for women and kenyans
[quote]Jereth127 wrote:
I started to get really close with one of my best friends. When we’d go out to bars and clubs we’d normally just end up talking and joking on our own for most of the night. Friends (and even relative strangers) would keep coming up to me(and her) and keep asking if we had got together.
So anyways I started to fall for her hard and I thought(and still kinda do actually) that she liked me back so I started hinting at it a small bit.
We told each other fucking everything. I mean, she had issues, but I was the only one she could talk to. She even text me a few times at like 4 in the morning just needing someone to.
No I have a very one-track mind and when I fall for someone, I fucking fall. So weeks and months of being her ‘talk-to’ person but only ever staying at that(she had started seeing a few guys at this stage, which she had never done before) started to get to me. I eventaully got a bit cranky at times and she started giving out to me for not telling her as much as she told me.
But if I told her what was getting to me it could have totally ruined out friendship. And I knew in the back of my mind that I was being an idiot for her. My 2 closest friends actually decided to tell me that she likes to have me around 'cos it makes her feel wanted.
[/quote]
You can’t be mad at this girl when you never really made your feelings known. It’s one thing to lay yourself out there and get shot down, but you just gave small hints? What makes you think that she knew your intentions if you never explicitly made them known. And if you didn’t tell her to save the friendship, then why did you stop talking to her? You lost a friend either way.
I think guys give girls way too much credit these days when it comes to self-confidence. Girls are insecure… most people are. Did it ever occur to you that maybe this girl liked you and assumed you didn’t LIKE HER because you never made a real move? Any number of things could have been going through her head that you never made an effort to find out. You can’t let sparks fizzle out like that. Timing is everything, and when you feel it, you just have to pull the trigger. Bahaha cliches are awesome.
At the very worst you would have at least had closure, but you are still talking about how you think she might like you a little bit!
[quote]Ct. Rockula wrote:
you need a fresh start somewhere, go to a place where you know nobody, and then reinvent yourself[/quote]
The problem with that is that no matter where you go, you take yourself with you. I moved a lot as a kid and tried to reinvent myself every time but still was the same person I am.
Whatever the problems are, you have to deal with them not the geography. Unless you live in some Siberian Gulag. Then you should move.
Gotta learn to say fuck it. Nothing you do with some girl or whatever will matter in the long run anyways. You need to look at the worst case scenario and accept it before it happens.
You’ve kinda gotta put yourself above people who aren’t close to you and make their opinion not matter to you.
Also, don’t be so quick to trust somebody. People can be pretty shitty. Don’t get emotionally attached too easily.
This is probably bad advice and probably not what a therapist would say, but it works for me.
[quote]Kaizen08 wrote:
A long time ago, like 4 years back (and im 23 years old btw), I fell in love with my best friend. She really was like anyone I’ve ever met. She was really the only person that I had no fear of saying or doing anything. We saw each other at our worst, and it didn’t matter, I would love her the same. But after a while, it turned from just a friendly love to a serious love (you guys know what I mean). While I never told her, I knew that she knew, and she slowly started to distance herself away from me, pretty much rejecting me. So the only person I’ve ever really been in love with, the only person I’ve ever cared for that much, just rejected me, whether it be as a friend or a partner. [/quote]
So, your life is all fucked up because some friend of yours actually cared enough about you to try not to hurt you?
Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. Let’s say you have a female friend who you really like and you care about her feelings but you’re just not in love with her. You realize that she’s in love with you but you don’t want to hurt her so you start to distance yourself from her in an effort to prevent her from feeling like you led her on. Does that make you an asshole and responsible for her feeling like shit about herself for the next four years?
Grow up, you sound like a angsty teenager.
[quote]Fezzik wrote:
Jereth127 wrote:
I started to get really close with one of my best friends. When we’d go out to bars and clubs we’d normally just end up talking and joking on our own for most of the night. Friends (and even relative strangers) would keep coming up to me(and her) and keep asking if we had got together.
So anyways I started to fall for her hard and I thought(and still kinda do actually) that she liked me back so I started hinting at it a small bit.
We told each other fucking everything. I mean, she had issues, but I was the only one she could talk to. She even text me a few times at like 4 in the morning just needing someone to.
No I have a very one-track mind and when I fall for someone, I fucking fall. So weeks and months of being her ‘talk-to’ person but only ever staying at that(she had started seeing a few guys at this stage, which she had never done before) started to get to me. I eventaully got a bit cranky at times and she started giving out to me for not telling her as much as she told me.
But if I told her what was getting to me it could have totally ruined out friendship. And I knew in the back of my mind that I was being an idiot for her. My 2 closest friends actually decided to tell me that she likes to have me around 'cos it makes her feel wanted.
You can’t be mad at this girl when you never really made your feelings known. It’s one thing to lay yourself out there and get shot down, but you just gave small hints? What makes you think that she knew your intentions if you never explicitly made them known. And if you didn’t tell her to save the friendship, then why did you stop talking to her? You lost a friend either way.
I think guys give girls way too much credit these days when it comes to self-confidence. Girls are insecure… most people are. Did it ever occur to you that maybe this girl liked you and assumed you didn’t LIKE HER because you never made a real move? Any number of things could have been going through her head that you never made an effort to find out. You can’t let sparks fizzle out like that. Timing is everything, and when you feel it, you just have to pull the trigger. Bahaha cliches are awesome.
At the very worst you would have at least had closure, but you are still talking about how you think she might like you a little bit! [/quote]
I know because she found someone right before it. I realized my true feelings for her right after someone else told her their feelings, and I felt that there was a fear of loss. Also, it was interesting , that this guy reminded me of myself. Anyways, none of that matters now. Your right, I never got closure, and I think thats one of the things that I end up thinking about eventually. And no, she never felt that way about me, I’m 100% sure. I didn’t tell everyone every little detail of the story, but trust me, it was a no.
[quote]Jereth127 wrote:
Kaizen08 wrote:
I’ll tell you guys where I think it stems from. A long time ago, like 4 years back (and im 23 years old btw), I fell in love with my best friend. She really was like anyone I’ve ever met. She was really the only person that I had no fear of saying or doing anything. We saw each other at our worst, and it didn’t matter, I would love her the same. But after a while, it turned from just a friendly love to a serious love (you guys know what I mean). While I never told her, I knew that she knew, and she slowly started to distance herself away from me, pretty much rejecting me. So the only person I’ve ever really been in love with, the only person I’ve ever cared for that much, just rejected me, whether it be as a friend or a partner.
Jesus man I was a very similiar circumstance not even a year ago…
I started to get really close with one of my best friends. When we’d go out to bars and clubs we’d normally just end up talking and joking on our own for most of the night. Friends (and even relative strangers) would keep coming up to me(and her) and keep asking if we had got together.
So anyways I started to fall for her hard and I thought(and still kinda do actually) that she liked me back so I started hinting at it a small bit.
We told each other fucking everything. I mean, she had issues, but I was the only one she could talk to. She even text me a few times at like 4 in the morning just needing someone to.
No I have a very one-track mind and when I fall for someone, I fucking fall. So weeks and months of being her ‘talk-to’ person but only ever staying at that(she had started seeing a few guys at this stage, which she had never done before) started to get to me. I eventaully got a bit cranky at times and she started giving out to me for not telling her as much as she told me.
But if I told her what was getting to me it could have totally ruined out friendship. And I knew in the back of my mind that I was being an idiot for her. My 2 closest friends actually decided to tell me that she likes to have me around 'cos it makes her feel wanted.
Bottom line is, I don’t really talk to her anymore. She was at a party I was at last week by chance and it was one hell of an awkward meeting. But I still hold a grudge against her because she definately knew that I was crazy about her and that I was going through hell while she was seeing all these guys to get her confidence up and she still kept me close but at a distance.
It literally took me months to realise that if I hang around with her or see her too often, I’d never stop feeling that way about her. So I stopped talking to her altogether. When she didn’t even text asking how I was I knew I did the right thing.
(Didn’t mean to hijack your thread or anything, I only just realised how big and irrelevant the post is, but know I typed it so I ain’t deleting it)
Point is-I know how you feel man. I haven’t had much confidence with girls since but I’ve also realised that sitting on the internet on saturday nights(a bit of a habit for me lately) is not helping me. [/quote]
Man this almost EXACTLY how it happened to me lol. Me and her had the exact same relationship as well that arose from a very similar situation. I hinted, but she just pushed me away. I new exactly what she was doing, but didn’t have the courage to say anything, and it just kept hurting. I haven’t seen her in at least a year, and probably talked to her like 3 times on AIM in the past year. We just end up acting as if nothing ever really happened, when really we just want to talk about it.
[quote]Fezzik wrote:
You can’t be mad at this girl when you never really made your feelings known. It’s one thing to lay yourself out there and get shot down, but you just gave small hints? What makes you think that she knew your intentions if you never explicitly made them known. And if you didn’t tell her to save the friendship, then why did you stop talking to her? You lost a friend either way.
I think guys give girls way too much credit these days when it comes to self-confidence. Girls are insecure… most people are. Did it ever occur to you that maybe this girl liked you and assumed you didn’t LIKE HER because you never made a real move? Any number of things could have been going through her head that you never made an effort to find out. You can’t let sparks fizzle out like that. Timing is everything, and when you feel it, you just have to pull the trigger. Bahaha cliches are awesome.
At the very worst you would have at least had closure, but you are still talking about how you think she might like you a little bit! [/quote]
Yeah, the irony of the outcome of my actions in relation to original intentions isn’t lost on me.
Of course it occured to me that she liked me, I fuckin’ know she did. But when it looked like things might actually happen she would distance herself or hook up with another guy. And then come back and do the exact same thing the next week. And the thing is, I fuckin’ sat there and played along with it for fuckin’ ages!
I realise the fool I was(I knew it back then as well) and it was my decision to cut communication with her. No, I don’t regret it, 'cos I think I deserved to be treated a lot better than that.
My 2 closest friends and one of her friends decided to tell me hwo they thought she was making a fool outta me. (I’m making her sound like a devil-woman here, she ain’t)
[quote]MarvelGirl wrote:
Kaizen08 wrote:
A long time ago, like 4 years back (and im 23 years old btw), I fell in love with my best friend. She really was like anyone I’ve ever met. She was really the only person that I had no fear of saying or doing anything. We saw each other at our worst, and it didn’t matter, I would love her the same. But after a while, it turned from just a friendly love to a serious love (you guys know what I mean). While I never told her, I knew that she knew, and she slowly started to distance herself away from me, pretty much rejecting me. So the only person I’ve ever really been in love with, the only person I’ve ever cared for that much, just rejected me, whether it be as a friend or a partner.
So, your life is all fucked up because some friend of yours actually cared enough about you to try not to hurt you?
Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. Let’s say you have a female friend who you really like and you care about her feelings but you’re just not in love with her. You realize that she’s in love with you but you don’t want to hurt her so you start to distance yourself from her in an effort to prevent her from feeling like you led her on. Does that make you an asshole and responsible for her feeling like shit about herself for the next four years?
Grow up, you sound like a angsty teenager.
[/quote]
Your exactly right, and I've thought about it. I guess its because I never had closure, and that I never had a reason to say "fuck it, screw you" and move on with my life because I she never did anything to make me hate her, which makes moving on so damn easy.
And for the guy who said putting on muscle builds confidence, your right, it really does. but when you fucking hate your body because you spent the last 6 years of your life trying to get rid of my gyno problem by lifting and exercising without little results, then its still quite discouraging.
Also, I’m an endomorph, so all of the muscle gains are underneath the fat (which settle on my upper body, stomach and chest). Saying that you increased your bench from 95 → 145 in 4 months doesn’t mean shit if your man breasts just look a whole lot bigger.
All the reasons above are why Im glad i found this site and endless information and motivation to keep working on myself. Even though I don’t have the results I want, I know that if I keep working on it, then I’m headed in the right direction. Just wish some of my gains, both physical and personal, occurred at a much faster rate. I’m not blessed with superior genetics like many of you, but that doesn’t mean I won’t stop working on it.
If you guys want to give your input in this thread, feel free, but this was really made out of desperation in my lowest of lows, and I just want to move on, so I won’t be replying anymore. Thanks to everyone who cared and provided both positive advice and criticism.
[quote]Kaizen08 wrote:
Man this almost EXACTLY how it happened to me lol. Me and her had the exact same relationship as well that arose from a very similar situation. I hinted, but she just pushed me away. I new exactly what she was doing, but didn’t have the courage to say anything, and it just kept hurting. I haven’t seen her in at least a year, and probably talked to her like 3 times on AIM in the past year. We just end up acting as if nothing ever really happened, when really we just want to talk about it.
[/quote]
Life’s just swell, aint it…?
[quote]Jereth127 wrote:
Kaizen08 wrote:
Man this almost EXACTLY how it happened to me lol. Me and her had the exact same relationship as well that arose from a very similar situation. I hinted, but she just pushed me away. I new exactly what she was doing, but didn’t have the courage to say anything, and it just kept hurting. I haven’t seen her in at least a year, and probably talked to her like 3 times on AIM in the past year. We just end up acting as if nothing ever really happened, when really we just want to talk about it.
Life’s just swell, aint it…?[/quote]
Haha, it has its ups and downs. You live and you learn from the good and the bad.
Stop giving a shit about some things. That always works for me.
Start giving a shit about some new things. Yourself for one.
Happiness isn’t that hard to attain. Most people overshoot or over-analyze it.
[quote]MarvelGirl wrote:
Kaizen08 wrote:
So, your life is all fucked up because some friend of yours actually cared enough about you to try not to hurt you?
Put yourself in her shoes for a minute. Let’s say you have a female friend who you really like and you care about her feelings but you’re just not in love with her. You realize that she’s in love with you but you don’t want to hurt her so you start to distance yourself from her in an effort to prevent her from feeling like you led her on. Does that make you an asshole and responsible for her feeling like shit about herself for the next four years?
Grow up, you sound like a angsty teenager.
[/quote]
Thats some good advice right there MarvelGirl, u speaking from expirence? I’m currently in the same situation but with a roomate. I knew I shouldent have told her but over the months I grew really close to her and her son. I went against my better judgment and told hre how I felt. Any Ideas on how to get over situations like this?