[quote]FmyLIFE wrote:
I’m 24. I make $800 a month delivering newspapers and still I’ve with my parents, whom although I grit my teeth to try to treat respectfully, I don’t actually like or respect.
The reason I’m stuck living at home is that I am physically disabled due to having rheumatoid arthritis. In and of itself, it’s painful and significantly lowers my quality of life. But the real problem is what it does to my work prospects. While not by any means completely crippling, it cuts me off from all physically active jobs, i.e. ones that require prolonged standing. This is lethally bad for me, because as far as I know, “blue collar” type jobs with significant physical components are the only ones I think I was ever cut out for.
I have no skills that I can use to get a desk job. My only education is an associate’s degree. Moreover, I don’t think I even have the aptitude to do a desk job, at least not a decent one that I wouldn’t despise and that would actually allow me to earn enough to lead a comfortable life. I don’t really see anywhere in the white collar/professional world where I would fit in. I went to university for a year and quit because I couldn’t find a worthwhile major that I could handle. I don’t have the technical aptitude to be an engineer or programmer, and also being a deep introvert with nonexistent people skills, I’m not a good fit for the business world, either. I haven’t been able to see any career that I can aim for, so I’ve done nothing.
At present, my only work options are to do things like clerical and call center work, i.e. shit paying drudgery that I would rather kill myself than be tethered to if there were nothing better to move on to. I would hate pink collar work so much that I doubt I’d be able to survive in it for long anyway.
To top it all off, the economy is in a depression, and there are few or no entry-level jobs available for anything that would be physically appropriate for me. Not that I could physically handle these jobs anyway, but just to illustrate how abysmal my job prospects are, I can’t even get calls back for interviews from places like Goodwill, Wal Mart, and McDonald’s. Forget getting a call back for a male secretary position. I’ve given up even trying.
So I’m broke, disabled, unskilled, unemployable and living in an economic depression. And when I said I don’t really like my parents, I actually meant that I borderline hate them and can’t stand to be around them at all. My mom, the only one so can deal with, has cancer and will probably within a few years, if not sooner. I’ll have a hard time dealing with my dad when she’s gone. Last year I gave him a good slap in the face when he ridiculed me for being unemployed, and lived in my car for a month after the incident, which was actually better than living with them anyway so I’d just as soon do it again if it didn’t hurt my hand so bad.
So yeargh…my life’s ruined. I haven’t dated or had sex since before I got arthritis four years ago. In my depression, I’ve recently arranged encounters with three prostitutes at an expense of about $500 total, but didn’t have sex with any of them. The first time, I was so conflicted about the whole thing that I just couldn’t get into it. The second lady was way fatter IRL than she was in her pictures and babbled so much I just said fuck it and bounced without doing anything. The third one robbed me. I don’t believe in prostitution and don’t want to have sex with a hooker, but I get so bored/miserable I’ll seek thrills like that anyway just to escape.
Basically my life has been wiped out and I’m very much straddling the fence as to whether I want to continue living or not. Truthfully, I conclude that I do not, given the circumstances, but I don’t have the will to commit suicide, either. I ordered and obtained the necessary euthanasia drugs from China, but don’t have the resolve to actually do use them.
So what are my options for a better life? I can only think of a few:
-Go back to school. But I have total uncertainty as to what to go for, I doubt that I have the time and resources to finish, and I doubt even more that anyone will hire me just because I have a degree anyway. So I’m very negative on this option.
-Move to Bismarck, North Dakota, and get one of those pink collar clerical or customer service type jobs that I would detest so much and would pay shit. But at least in North Dakota I would have better than 1 in infinity odds of getting hired.
-Take a commission-only inside sales job selling precious metals from home. This is actually a good opportunity for the right person, but I don’t believe I belong in sales, nor do I have the emotional fitness to face the brutality of it in my present state anyway.
None of these are appealing enough to get me to come down from my suicide fence, so I just sit around in total despair and do nothing.
What say u T-peoples
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*** The one thing I know is this. The minute one kills himself he immediately regrets it. He will then face his eternal judge having just broken his commandment against murder. Once he faces the judgment of this sin he will wish he were back in the circumstances he killed themselves to avoid. Sorry my friend but this is a fact.
Personally I have found that dwelling on the positive and be grateful for what you have is a much better use of your time. It could always be worse.
