Serious Problems, I Want to Die

Off Topic
1

I’m 24. I make $800 a month delivering newspapers and still I’ve with my parents, whom although I grit my teeth to try to treat respectfully, I don’t actually like or respect.

The reason I’m stuck living at home is that I am physically disabled due to having rheumatoid arthritis. In and of itself, it’s painful and significantly lowers my quality of life. But the real problem is what it does to my work prospects. While not by any means completely crippling, it cuts me off from all physically active jobs, i.e. ones that require prolonged standing. This is lethally bad for me, because as far as I know, “blue collar” type jobs with significant physical components are the only ones I think I was ever cut out for.

I have no skills that I can use to get a desk job. My only education is an associate’s degree. Moreover, I don’t think I even have the aptitude to do a desk job, at least not a decent one that I wouldn’t despise and that would actually allow me to earn enough to lead a comfortable life. I don’t really see anywhere in the white collar/professional world where I would fit in. I went to university for a year and quit because I couldn’t find a worthwhile major that I could handle. I don’t have the technical aptitude to be an engineer or programmer, and also being a deep introvert with nonexistent people skills, I’m not a good fit for the business world, either. I haven’t been able to see any career that I can aim for, so I’ve done nothing.

At present, my only work options are to do things like clerical and call center work, i.e. shit paying drudgery that I would rather kill myself than be tethered to if there were nothing better to move on to. I would hate pink collar work so much that I doubt I’d be able to survive in it for long anyway.

To top it all off, the economy is in a depression, and there are few or no entry-level jobs available for anything that would be physically appropriate for me. Not that I could physically handle these jobs anyway, but just to illustrate how abysmal my job prospects are, I can’t even get calls back for interviews from places like Goodwill, Wal Mart, and McDonald’s. Forget getting a call back for a male secretary position. I’ve given up even trying.

So I’m broke, disabled, unskilled, unemployable and living in an economic depression. And when I said I don’t really like my parents, I actually meant that I borderline hate them and can’t stand to be around them at all. My mom, the only one so can deal with, has cancer and will probably within a few years, if not sooner. I’ll have a hard time dealing with my dad when she’s gone. Last year I gave him a good slap in the face when he ridiculed me for being unemployed, and lived in my car for a month after the incident, which was actually better than living with them anyway so I’d just as soon do it again if it didn’t hurt my hand so bad.

So yeargh…my life’s ruined. I haven’t dated or had sex since before I got arthritis four years ago. In my depression, I’ve recently arranged encounters with three prostitutes at an expense of about $500 total, but didn’t have sex with any of them. The first time, I was so conflicted about the whole thing that I just couldn’t get into it. The second lady was way fatter IRL than she was in her pictures and babbled so much I just said fuck it and bounced without doing anything. The third one robbed me. I don’t believe in prostitution and don’t want to have sex with a hooker, but I get so bored/miserable I’ll seek thrills like that anyway just to escape.

Basically my life has been wiped out and I’m very much straddling the fence as to whether I want to continue living or not. Truthfully, I conclude that I do not, given the circumstances, but I don’t have the will to commit suicide, either. I ordered and obtained the necessary euthanasia drugs from China, but don’t have the resolve to actually do use them.

So what are my options for a better life? I can only think of a few:

-Go back to school. But I have total uncertainty as to what to go for, I doubt that I have the time and resources to finish, and I doubt even more that anyone will hire me just because I have a degree anyway. So I’m very negative on this option.

-Move to Bismarck, North Dakota, and get one of those pink collar clerical or customer service type jobs that I would detest so much and would pay shit. But at least in North Dakota I would have better than 1 in infinity odds of getting hired.

-Take a commission-only inside sales job selling precious metals from home. This is actually a good opportunity for the right person, but I don’t believe I belong in sales, nor do I have the emotional fitness to face the brutality of it in my present state anyway.

None of these are appealing enough to get me to come down from my suicide fence, so I just sit around in total despair and do nothing.

What say u T-peoples

2

I sayeth that you do not see the opportunity.

You have nothing to lose so you might as well end it, but, dude, you have nothing to lose, why not take some risk… you are free!

Then, whatever you do with prostitutes, you are kind of doing that wrong…

Also, if college is not for you a trade just might be…

Plumber, electrician and whatnot and you can make a decent living, a lot of it off the books if you wish to do so.

Dont be all drama and stuff, so, some roads are not yours, your pimp hand is not strong enough and you have lost your way a bit…

Sort it out, move on…

3

‘’ I cant find a job and feel like a looser’’
‘’ Thoughts on suicide’’

Please watch these 2 youtube videos by Elliott Hulse,

I’m not saying they are the solution of all your problems but will hopefully give you some different perspectives,

You can find some other relevant videos on his channel about yourself as well, check the ones about following your heart,

Best of the Luck.

4

Well I say I’m 27 and I have 3+ years of miserable-shitastic life on you so you should continue to tough it out so you can discover what other godawful things life still has to offer you.

I spent all 10 000 dollars gave all my heart and soul into education that got me nowhere in life
I lost my virginity and got knocked up at 19 by the biggest piece of shit on the planet
I have debilitating anxiety that basically makes me incapable of accomplishing anything
I had to move back home because of the above and listen to my dad have panic attacks all day long about chicken breasts not being on sale or safeway being out of green peppers which just reminds me I should also be having panic attacks about similar/equally stupid/unimportant things
I feel like no guy on the planet will ever want anything to do with me unless I have the most perfect body on the face of the earth which is not exactly an easy task so I struggle everyday trying to live up to the impossible standards I have set for myself

And to make matters worse, Xbox live never refunded me the 26 dollars they promised they would…

And lots of times I think, fuck, this shit doesn’t ever get any better. Life has been really hard for me since I was 13 years old and kids starting picking on me for being different.
Year after year, it’s always worse than it was before. What is the godamn point? The future looks bleak, my friend, very bleak…

But how do you really know what life will be like in 5-10 years?
You can’t win the lottery if you don’t play it…
If something sucks now can you guarantee that it will suck in 2018? If you can, then by all means, pull the trigger, but if there is even a smidgen of doubt in your mind that someday things wont be awful, then you owe it to yourself to stick around and find out.

5

I am a long time T-Nation lurker and this inspired me to make an account.

I know you are down right now but there are bigger things in life than an ideal job and a sex life. That’s what the world, the media and fickle people want you to believe.

It sounds like you have hit rock bottom emotionally.

I would suggest you find a local church group and try to meet some friends there and network (You may be able to get a job this way or at least see what is out there). Most good churches are friendly and will accept you as you are. They also tend to have young adult groups for ages 18-30.

If you find out that its not for you then at least you will know and you can try something else.

6

The best way to get over these thoughts is to take as many steroids as possible. Try different combinations and find what works for you. Once you find the right combo, train like a beast, and you’ll get that feeling of self-worth back; thus, problem solved. I know most of you would say he should wait till he hits his genetic limit before doing this, but since hes in a tough spot right now, the best thing to do is to be on PEDS. No matter what anyone tells you PEDs are the best way to turn the tables on whatever gets you down in life, since you’ll feel great, look great, and be great overall.

7

[quote]Spock81 wrote:

And to make matters worse, Xbox live never refunded me the 26 dollars they promised they would…
[/quote]

Bastards…

8

Considering your physical hindrances I would look into a job where you use your head, like law or something.
I know my university is very accommodating for people with disabilities, eg tutors, increased time to write tests, note-taking, etc.

9

King’s to you, Fernand.

10

Hate to be the one to say it, but try anti-depressants. They work. Adjusting sucks, side effects blow, but you’ll be happier and able to see the bright side again. Maybe some counseling. If you don’t like your counselor, get a new one. Same with the meds.

I speak from experience here. I’ll check back later, man, going to my own counselor now, as luck would have it.

11

Get a counselor that works w/ a psychiatrist. Take the prescribed meds! Don’t quit your job. It gets you out of the house and gives you something to do.

Don’t worry about school, job, etc, you don’t have to figure out the rest of your life right now. In your depressed state you can’t do it anyway.

Depression is a condition which CAN be fixed. You by yourself can’t fix it.

After doing what I’ve just told you to do I don’t want to kill myself.

When it gets tough, and it will, tell yourself “I’ll see how today goes I can always kill myself tomorrow.”

12

Some wise words already in this thread, so I’ll just add: investigate treatment alternatives for your RA (rheumatoid arthritis); consider Medical Marijuana.

My boyfriend was born with RA. He wakes up in pain every.single.day. Cannabis enables him to powerlift and hold a physically demanding job.

You don’t have to suffer a poor quality of life. Good luck.

13

The fact that your on here looking for help proves you have the will power to change and move on. Take some of the advice in here move on, find a way to get out of your parents house and living on your own.

EDIT: Get rid of those drugs you got from china

14

One thing I’d say is that you seem to be a really good writer. I mean that.

15

Agree throw away the China drugs.

If you are really low and need to talk to someone call a 1-800-273- 8255 to talk to someone if you are having suicidal thoughts.

16

You say " I went to university for a year and quit because I couldn’t find a worthwhile major that I could handle." Why can’t you handle a worthwhile major? I really believe that the vast majority of people can study anything they want if a)they didn’t destroy their brains with drugs and b)Work hard. How many hours / day did you study? Don’t think that because you were brought up in a blue collar environment you can’t study. The smartest guy in med school I know has a blue collar environment background. Nobody in his family has studied anything.

On your RA, how are you being treated?? There’s quite a lot of options for RA (not sure if this is also the case for the juvenile form). Or are you financially limited?

Social skills? You’re 24, a lot of 24 year olds have no good social skills. Not to mention social skills can be learned!

What do you enjoy in life?? Or used to like?

17

[quote]FmyLIFE wrote:
I’m 24. I make $800 a month delivering newspapers and still I’ve with my parents, whom although I grit my teeth to try to treat respectfully, I don’t actually like or respect.

The reason I can’t get a decent job is that I am physically disabled due to having rheumatoid arthritis. In and of itself, it’s painful and significantly lowers my quality of life. But the real problem is what it does to my work prospects. While not by any means completely crippling, it cuts me off from all physically active jobs, i.e. ones that require prolonged standing. This is critical, because “blue collar” type jobs with physical components are the only ones I think I was ever cut out for.

I have no skills that I can use to get a desk job. My only education is an associate’s degree. Moreover, I don’t think I even have the aptitude to do a desk job, at least not a decent one that I wouldn’t despise and that would actually allow me to earn enough to lead a comfortable life. I don’t really see anywhere in the white collar/professional world where I would fit in. I went to university for a year and quit because I couldn’t find a worthwhile major that I could handle. I don’t have the technical aptitude to be an engineer or programmer, and also being a deep introvert with nonexistent people skills, I’m not a good fit for the business world, either. I haven’t been able to see any career that I can aim for, so I’ve done nothing.

At present, my only work options are to do things like clerical and call center work, i.e. shit paying drudgery that I would rather kill myself than be tethered to if there were nothing better to move on to. I would hate pink collar work so much that I doubt I’d be able to survive in it for long anyway.

To top it all off, the economy is in a depression, and there are few or no entry-level jobs available for anything that would be physically appropriate for me. Not that I could physically handle these jobs anyway, but just to illustrate how abysmal my job prospects are, I can’t even get calls back for interviews from places like Goodwill, Wal Mart, and McDonald’s. Forget getting a call back for a male secretary position. I’ve given up even trying.

So I’m broke, disabled, unskilled, unemployable and living in an economic depression. And when I said I don’t really like my parents, I actually meant that I borderline hate them and can’t stand to be around them at all. My mom, the only one so can deal with, has cancer and will probably within a few years, if not sooner. I’ll have a hard time dealing with my dad when she’s gone. Last year I gave him a good slap in the face when he ridiculed me for being unemployed, and lived in my car for a month after the incident, which was actually better than living with them anyway so I’d just as soon do it again if it didn’t hurt my hand so bad.

So yeargh…my life’s ruined. I haven’t dated or had sex since before I got arthritis four years ago. In my depression, I’ve recently arranged encounters with three prostitutes at an expense of about $500 total, but didn’t have sex with any of them. The first time, I was so conflicted about the whole thing that I just couldn’t get into it. The second lady was way fatter IRL than she was in her pictures and babbled so much I just said fuck it and bounced without doing anything. The third one robbed me. I don’t believe in prostitution and don’t want to have sex with a hooker, but I get so bored/miserable I’ll seek thrills like that anyway just to escape.

Basically my life has been wiped out and I’m very much straddling the fence as to whether I want to continue living or not. Truthfully, I conclude that I do not, given the circumstances, but I don’t have the will to commit suicide, either. I ordered and obtained the necessary euthanasia drugs from China, but don’t have the resolve to actually do use them.

So what are my options for a better life? I can only think of a few:

-Go back to school. But I have total uncertainty as to what to go for, I doubt that I have the time and resources to finish, and I doubt even more that anyone will hire me just because I have a degree anyway. So I’m very negative on this option.

-Move to Bismarck, North Dakota, and get one of those pink collar clerical or customer service type jobs that I would detest so much and would pay shit. But at least in North Dakota I would have better than 1 in infinity odds of getting hired.

-Take a commission-only inside sales job selling precious metals from home. This is actually a good opportunity for the right person, but I don’t believe I belong in sales, nor do I have the emotional fitness to face the brutality of it in my present state anyway.

None of these are appealing enough to get me to come down from my suicide fence, so I just sit around in total despair and do nothing.

What say u T-peoples
[/quote]
i’ve been there, get yourself out of the victim mentality, quit feeling like a loser and take risks/work hard

18

[quote]FmyLIFE wrote:
I’m 24. I make $800 a month delivering newspapers and still I’ve with my parents, whom although I grit my teeth to try to treat respectfully, I don’t actually like or respect.

The reason I can’t get a decent job is that I am physically disabled due to having rheumatoid arthritis. In and of itself, it’s painful and significantly lowers my quality of life. But the real problem is what it does to my work prospects. While not by any means completely crippling, it cuts me off from all physically active jobs, i.e. ones that require prolonged standing. This is critical, because “blue collar” type jobs with physical components are the only ones I think I was ever cut out for.

I have no skills that I can use to get a desk job. My only education is an associate’s degree. Moreover, I don’t think I even have the aptitude to do a desk job, at least not a decent one that I wouldn’t despise and that would actually allow me to earn enough to lead a comfortable life. I don’t really see anywhere in the white collar/professional world where I would fit in. I went to university for a year and quit because I couldn’t find a worthwhile major that I could handle. I don’t have the technical aptitude to be an engineer or programmer, and also being a deep introvert with nonexistent people skills, I’m not a good fit for the business world, either. I haven’t been able to see any career that I can aim for, so I’ve done nothing.

At present, my only work options are to do things like clerical and call center work, i.e. shit paying drudgery that I would rather kill myself than be tethered to if there were nothing better to move on to. I would hate pink collar work so much that I doubt I’d be able to survive in it for long anyway.

To top it all off, the economy is in a depression, and there are few or no entry-level jobs available for anything that would be physically appropriate for me. Not that I could physically handle these jobs anyway, but just to illustrate how abysmal my job prospects are, I can’t even get calls back for interviews from places like Goodwill, Wal Mart, and McDonald’s. Forget getting a call back for a male secretary position. I’ve given up even trying.

So I’m broke, disabled, unskilled, unemployable and living in an economic depression. And when I said I don’t really like my parents, I actually meant that I borderline hate them and can’t stand to be around them at all. My mom, the only one so can deal with, has cancer and will probably within a few years, if not sooner. I’ll have a hard time dealing with my dad when she’s gone. Last year I gave him a good slap in the face when he ridiculed me for being unemployed, and lived in my car for a month after the incident, which was actually better than living with them anyway so I’d just as soon do it again if it didn’t hurt my hand so bad.

So yeargh…my life’s ruined. I haven’t dated or had sex since before I got arthritis four years ago. In my depression, I’ve recently arranged encounters with three prostitutes at an expense of about $500 total, but didn’t have sex with any of them. The first time, I was so conflicted about the whole thing that I just couldn’t get into it. The second lady was way fatter IRL than she was in her pictures and babbled so much I just said fuck it and bounced without doing anything. The third one robbed me. I don’t believe in prostitution and don’t want to have sex with a hooker, but I get so bored/miserable I’ll seek thrills like that anyway just to escape.

Basically my life has been wiped out and I’m very much straddling the fence as to whether I want to continue living or not. Truthfully, I conclude that I do not, given the circumstances, but I don’t have the will to commit suicide, either. I ordered and obtained the necessary euthanasia drugs from China, but don’t have the resolve to actually do use them.

So what are my options for a better life? I can only think of a few:

-Go back to school. But I have total uncertainty as to what to go for, I doubt that I have the time and resources to finish, and I doubt even more that anyone will hire me just because I have a degree anyway. So I’m very negative on this option.

-Move to Bismarck, North Dakota, and get one of those pink collar clerical or customer service type jobs that I would detest so much and would pay shit. But at least in North Dakota I would have better than 1 in infinity odds of getting hired.

-Take a commission-only inside sales job selling precious metals from home. This is actually a good opportunity for the right person, but I don’t believe I belong in sales, nor do I have the emotional fitness to face the brutality of it in my present state anyway.

None of these are appealing enough to get me to come down from my suicide fence, so I just sit around in total despair and do nothing.

What say u T-peoples
[/quote]

I’ve got similar physical problems. I don’t get depressed though; just an empty void inside and occasional violent outbursts. I don 't what to tell you but struggle on, be strong and courageous. You have an opportunity to test your true character and inner strength. Don’t do anything stupid.

19

I’d strongly recommend going to Dave Asprey’s website and devouring every bit of info written there. Listen to his podcasts/watch his presentations, you will learn a ton. Implement the emwave2/inner balance app/some other HRV gadget if it’s the only thing you can afford. Practice gratitude as a part of morning and pre-bed routine.

20

There’s lots of options. You’re young, and it sounds like you can uproot and to some degree it sounds like you want to. Some places don’t have the job opportunities that other places have.

Learn a trade - maybe one that isn’t as physically demanding, such as an electrician.

Get a pink collar job - why not? It may not be ideal, but it covers the bills, might even get you medical coverage, try pain treatments. Jobs are a great thing to try to improve, to aspire to a long term career in, so you don’t have to drudge through a 1/3 of you wakign hours. But sometimes you have to, and you have to make the other 8 hours of wakefulness worth it. Not many people get a dream job, some people are lucky enough to get jobs they enjoy. Most of the time, a job is just an enabler for the rest of your life.

Bartending or bussing at a busy nightclub pays well if you get decent tip-out. I used to work as security and the busboys walked out with more cash than I did, and I had the cool job.

Not good with social situations? I can’t say too much about that. You sound intelligent enough, try faking some confidence. Seriously try it. I’ve heard of “fake it until you make it” and confidence is one of those things that it can work with.

Sales is tough though. Takes a strong ego to do that, a great capacity for rejection.