Seeking Girlfriend Advice

Off Topic
81

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]Smashingweights wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:
I’m actually curious. How much of it do you think was due to your attitude/approach back then? And at what point would you have walked away?[/quote]
LOL
Knowing what I know now I would have walked away a couple months into the relationship.
None of it was due to my attitude.
She had issues.
I wasnt going to be able to fix her issues (which I wasn’t even trying to do) I just didn’t know it.

Like I said, you’re blinded because its you that is in the relationship.
This isn’t going to be a “happily ever after” ending for you guys.
You’ll just have to learn the hard way.
You have had 15+ people tell you this.
You have had several people tell you they were in the same situation and it doesn’t go well.
You just don’t want to hear it.
You’re different.
Your situation is different.
You’re a special snowflake.[/quote]

Does the girl/woman you’re with now have issues?

The way I see it, and I could be wrong, is that everyone has issues that can be worked on. And, those issues may or may not affect other parts of your life.

Originally, her issues were causing problems with the relationship, because I let them cause problems. (My issues.)

Nowadays, the only person her issues are causing problems for is her.

I made a lot of progress myself by questioning my belief system and changing a few things. I think she would be a lot happier if she did the same. Right now she’s not seeing it – and it took me awhile to see it with myself, so I understand that – and I’m wondering if there’s an approach that might help.[/quote]
Looks like you’ve got it figured out.
Good luck.

82

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:

[quote]philipmein wrote:

I was about to recommend the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” because of the way it teaches someone how to deal with other people’s emotions. My brain didn’t even connect the dots that this guy’s girlfriend might have BPD.
[/quote]

I have a well-worn copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells in my bookcase. That’s $15 I really wish I would have spent about 15 years ago. Would’ve paid for itself over and over and over and over…
[/quote]

I’ll get a hold of it. It sounds like it’s worth a read.

83

[quote]Claudan wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:
Just a possibility. I didn’t read everything. It’s possible that she may not love you in a way that she thinks she should and harbors guilt for said feelings or a lack of them.[/quote]

spot on.

one of my crazy ex-girlfriends used to say shit like “I know you’re too good for me” all the time. she was fucking right but she still couldn’t stop herself from acting like a total dick-face. [/quote]
That’s because on some level she lacked a certain form of respect for you.

84

[quote]jglickfield wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]Smashingweights wrote:
Seriously though, she’s a twentysomething who’s already divorced and has obvious relationship/trust/self esteem issues.
You’ve bent over backwards and she still doesn’t see it.
What do you expect to happen?
Blinded by love.[/quote]

I… expect things to continue pretty much as they are. 99% of the time everything is actually really good; 1% of the time she starts a stupid argument about something stupid.[/quote]

I rarely ever post anything on this or any forum, but I felt a social responsibility here, because I know what her problem is, and the 99/1 numbers that you posted made it click.

I have a friend who married a girl he had only known briefly. This is normal and expected in his culture, so please no questions on the story itself. A few days after the wedding, his new bride was sitting on the corner of their bed frowning. She told him that she “feels so alone” and was in no way comforted by the fact that she was in the presence of her husband. In the coming weeks, she periodically went into fits of blaming him for not caring about her, disrespecting her, and not giving her what she needs. He always reassured her, but the only real way to appease her was to sort of grovel and do whatever she wanted in the moment. He asked her father what the deal was and he said “99% of the time she is an angel, and the other 1% you just have to give her what she wants, whatever it is.”

So a very long story made short, it turns out that these are all signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. She also had bulimia and possibly bipolar. Look up BPD on wikipedia for more information, I see many parallels to the story you are telling us now. This girl’s now ex-husband, my friend, told me that he read a book about BPD and i described giving a person with the disorder what they needed emotionally as akin to “attempting to fill the grand canyon with a squirt gun.” Seem familiar?
[/quote]

Thanks for this. great explanation.

85

[quote]spar4tee wrote:

[quote]Claudan wrote:

[quote]spar4tee wrote:
Just a possibility. I didn’t read everything. It’s possible that she may not love you in a way that she thinks she should and harbors guilt for said feelings or a lack of them.[/quote]

spot on.

one of my crazy ex-girlfriends used to say shit like “I know you’re too good for me” all the time. she was fucking right but she still couldn’t stop herself from acting like a total dick-face. [/quote]
That’s because on some level she lacked a certain form of respect for you.[/quote]

Definitely, I understand that now. It’s the nice guy routine that gets old real quick with bishes

86

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:

[quote]jglickfield wrote:
So a very long story made short, it turns out that these are all signs of Borderline Personality Disorder. [/quote]

Came to write this…
[/quote]

Also occurred to me, but don’t think there’s enough info to make that call.[/quote]

Maybe not for a professional, but on an internet forum I’ve got all the info I need to make an irresponsible diagnosis…lol
[/quote]

I’ve considered that, and haven’t discounted it. She lacks the impulsivity however. But, not my place to diagnose.

It helps to know it appears that way to more than just me.

87

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]orion wrote:

[quote]LoRez wrote:

At this point it’s not even really about what I’m getting from the relationship. I’m getting what I want. She’s just fundamentally unhappy, and I’m hoping there’s something I can do.

[/quote]

You do not want enough.

[/quote]

What more do you think I should want?[/quote]

A woman that is able to give and not someone who needs a man to take from.

I consider regular BJs to be a given.

88

Have you tried having a serious talk with her using your best Foghorn Leghorn voice? Try it. You might be surprised at the results.

89

[quote]super saiyan wrote:
Have you tried having a serious talk with her using your best Foghorn Leghorn voice? Try it. You might be surprised at the results.[/quote]

90

If this hasn’t been said already, it is great life advice.

Kind of have to just be yourself and hope you find someone who can bear the smell of your shit, and waits to poop until after you shower, if you know what I mean.

91

LoRez, Sorry, I only read the 1st page so I might be missing something important, but really, I doubt it.

You are a smart, thoughtful guy, and a good guy. That’s clear from reading your posts for the last couple of years. Given that, don’t you think you can go out and find someone who’s not so needy and full of drama? I know you said you’re not looking for relationship advise, but really, trying to fix or deal with this one sounds like way too much work.

If you insist on trying to make it work, you should lay down the law and tell her what you will and WILL NOT put up with and make it clear it’s over if she doesn’t comply. If it was me, the neediness and the rambling on the phone would stop dead in it’s tracks. I can’t stand that shit.

92

How do you know?

Is this what she is actually telling you or is this how you’re feeling? There is a big difference. If she is actually saying it, then I would ask her to provide examples that back up her reasoning. I would then follow up with a questions like “How would you know if someone cared for you?”

Did you ask why she feels as though you do not respect her?

This will always result in defensiveness. It doesn’t matter how good your intentions are!!! It’s all in the semantics. Rather than focusing on the things that she is doing/saying that are bothering you try highlighting the exceptions. With any luck, this will reinforce the good stuff and more will follow.

It is no doubt a frustrating situation. It sounds like you have made a number of compromises in effort to make the relationship work. I would just focus on trying to have non-defensive communication with her… if you are both on guard you will likely keep going around in circles.

93

[quote]on edge wrote:
LoRez, Sorry, I only read the 1st page so I might be missing something important, but really, I doubt it.

You are a smart, thoughtful guy, and a good guy. That’s clear from reading your posts for the last couple of years. Given that, don’t you think you can go out and find someone who’s not so needy and full of drama? I know you said you’re not looking for relationship advise, but really, trying to fix or deal with this one sounds like way too much work.

If you insist on trying to make it work, you should lay down the law and tell her what you will and WILL NOT put up with and make it clear it’s over if she doesn’t comply. If it was me, the neediness and the rambling on the phone would stop dead in it’s tracks. I can’t stand that shit.[/quote]

Mebbe he wants needy and full of drama.

Mebbe he needs it.

94

[quote]WhiteSturgeon wrote:

Is this what she is actually telling you or is this how you’re feeling? There is a big difference. If she is actually saying it, then I would ask her to provide examples that back up her reasoning. I would then follow up with a questions like “How would you know if someone cared for you?” [/quote]

It’s literally what she’s saying. From there, it goes to “if you cared about me, you would [insert whatever]”. One path I’ve taken is pointing out that I am doing that, where she denies it, despite the facts. Another is taking her statements and reversing it (e.g., me telling her “if you cared about me, you’d be…”), attempting by example to demonstrate how that doesn’t make any sense. Which goes nowhere.

More recently, it just gets left alone with… “this is what I’m doing for you, if you choose not toe see it fine, but we’re going to stop this here”.

Did you ask why she feels as though you do not respect her?[/quote]

I did. And it actually comes down to her saying, effectively, “I need you to tell me what to do”… “You should be the one telling me to get off the phone”. Which echoes a lot of what has been said around here; that women need to be given boundaries and need to be commanded – at least to some degree. Intellectually I don’t really buy it, even though experience has shown otherwise.

This will always result in defensiveness. It doesn’t matter how good your intentions are!!! It’s all in the semantics. Rather than focusing on the things that she is doing/saying that are bothering you try highlighting the exceptions. With any luck, this will reinforce the good stuff and more will follow.[/quote]

I see where you’re going with this.

I’m generally of a mind that you need to know what’s not working in order to fix it, but it’s worth a shot taking a different approach.

95

[quote]LoRez wrote:

[quote]WhiteSturgeon wrote:

Is this what she is actually telling you or is this how you’re feeling? There is a big difference. If she is actually saying it, then I would ask her to provide examples that back up her reasoning. I would then follow up with a questions like “How would you know if someone cared for you?” [/quote]

It’s literally what she’s saying. From there, it goes to “if you cared about me, you would [insert whatever]”. One path I’ve taken is pointing out that I am doing that, where she denies it, despite the facts. Another is taking her statements and reversing it (e.g., me telling her “if you cared about me, you’d be…”), attempting by example to demonstrate how that doesn’t make any sense. Which goes nowhere.

More recently, it just gets left alone with… “this is what I’m doing for you, if you choose not toe see it fine, but we’re going to stop this here”.
[/quote]

Ach, come on, shittest, you know this.

98

[quote]orion wrote:

[quote]on edge wrote:
LoRez, Sorry, I only read the 1st page so I might be missing something important, but really, I doubt it.

You are a smart, thoughtful guy, and a good guy. That’s clear from reading your posts for the last couple of years. Given that, don’t you think you can go out and find someone who’s not so needy and full of drama? I know you said you’re not looking for relationship advise, but really, trying to fix or deal with this one sounds like way too much work.

If you insist on trying to make it work, you should lay down the law and tell her what you will and WILL NOT put up with and make it clear it’s over if she doesn’t comply. If it was me, the neediness and the rambling on the phone would stop dead in it’s tracks. I can’t stand that shit.[/quote]

Mebbe he wants needy and full of drama.

Mebbe he needs it.
[/quote]

Possible, but doubtful.

The relationship was full of drama in its earlier days, it’s actually pretty rare now. Some of this, right now, I do think stems from stressing out over her upcoming board exam.

I’m sure I can go out and pretty easily find a girl that’s not needy or full of drama.

What I’ve had trouble finding:

  • someone with a sophisticated palate, but isn’t snobbish (i.e., appreciates good food, but doesn’t require it)
  • someone who can cook, and cook well
  • someone who has nice clothes and likes to dress up
  • someone who is financially independent
  • someone who is intelligent and educated
  • someone who has a professional job
  • someone who can carry on a conversation well
  • someone who is thin and cares about staying physically attractive
  • someone who is willing to try new things
  • someone who’s just generally a good companion

And

  • someone who I’d trust with my keys
  • someone who is willing to do my laundry and other household chores

I’m pretty happy with that, even at the cost of these rare arguments and her latent negativity.

Certainly it’s all about where I’m looking, but the combination of “financially independent”, “willing to do chores”, “can cook well”, “is intelligent”, “is physically attractive”, “dresses well” and “can carry on a conversation” is hard to find.

99

Thanks for sharing. It wasn’t overlooked.

100

[quote]LoRez wrote:

What I’ve had trouble finding:

  • someone with a sophisticated palate, but isn’t snobbish (i.e., appreciates good food, but doesn’t require it)
  • someone who can cook, and cook well
  • someone who has nice clothes and likes to dress up
  • someone who is financially independent
  • someone who is intelligent and educated
  • someone who has a professional job
  • someone who can carry on a conversation well
  • someone who is thin and cares about staying physically attractive
  • someone who is willing to try new things
  • someone who’s just generally a good companion

And

  • someone who I’d trust with my keys
  • someone who is willing to do my laundry and other household chores

[/quote]

Wow, you just described WhiteSturgeon to a tee. Well, except for that for the household chores part. Ready to move again?