Rebuild This Somewhat Broken Body

Training Training Logs
121

Hey man, sorry I haven’t chimed in on your log in a while. I wasn’t sure what to say since I’ve never been in anything resembling your situation. I felt a little awkward about just trying to tell you to keep a positive mindset and be aggressive and driven in the gym given that I have zero basis for the physical reality of what you went through (and are going through). Anyway lol, I hope none of this comes across too trite or out of touch with where you are.

I had my hormones checked once just out of curiosity. I was in like the low-middle range like you said you were. My training partner said he would never get his checked for fear that it would color his mindset lol. Mindset is so important. You can do a lot with what you have. Some people just respond better to test as well, so it’s not always as cut and dry as what your level is so much as what your level is and how much does your body do with it. You see that all the time with guys on gear. Some dudes have to take literally twice the drugs to get the same results as another guy running moderate doses.

But like I said, as much as people have probably told you to “stay positive”, mindset is huge. Stay positive, stay aggressive, stay confident, whatever cue helps you hit the weights like a skullfucking savage (trademark csulli) is the one that will get you that strength and muscle and drive back. To my knowledge there are actually multiple studies showing a crazy placebo effect of telling people they are taking steroids. They even did one with experienced powerlifters. They thought they were taking gear and started setting PR’s of up to 20lbs on all their lifts. When they were informed that they were in fact taking nothing, the strength immediately went away, and they were back to what they were before. Mindset man. You gotta believe you’re getting bigger and stronger.

And about the hernia, look, obviously I’m not a fucking doctor, so don’t take my advice, BUT, here are my thoughts, and you can do with those what you wish. I’ve had 2 inguinal hernias for like 5 years now. One on each side, each just a slight bulge maybe 4cm across. They disappear when I lie down. I have no idea how I got them, and they?ve been pretty much entirely asymptomatic. I’ve never even told a doctor about them. I just kept on lifting like normal. I’ve done tons (literally) of beltless deadlifting, a 900lb rack pull (lol), atlas stones, farmer?s walks, squats, ab wheel, yadda yadda yadda. As far as I know a lot of hernias aren?t actually your guts/intestines poking out of your abdominal wall, but rather it?s just some visceral fat tissue bulging through. Anyway, I?m not telling you to do or not do anything, all I?m saying is that doing nothing has worked for me lol.

I hope at least like 1% of that can help you out in some way. I remember the deadlifts you used to post on here. I?d like to see you over 225kg again :slight_smile:

122

[quote]Serge A. Storms wrote:

[quote]panzerfaust wrote:
Bodyweight is 83.5kg today. I seem to peak in the weekend and drop off during the week, must be the change in eating (and drinking) habits.

I’ve had a chat to a few pharma aficionados, and the general consensus seems to be that I’m better off regaining size the natural way. I’m considering booking an appointment at the local Men’s Clinic to discuss whether I’m a candidate for TRT.

It’s a bitch, like more often than not I feel so drained I don’t want to hit the weights. I still DO, but I suffer through the whole workout. I miss the feeling of energy and vigor, of mentally celebrating after I crush a PR or hit a new rep record. I don’t seem to finish my workouts feeling pumped any more, just drained and fucked up.

If only I knew whether my energy levels will continue to rise, or whether I’ve hit my new normal. Until recently I could feel constant improvement, now I just feel flat.

Wish I knew what my T levels were before I got sick. I mean there’s no point supplementing them beyond my natural state.

shrug[/quote]

I can’t remember how many cycles of which chemo you had, but I hear that energy levels can take a very long time to fully recover.

I would wait it out for a while longer and keep doing what you are doing. What time do you train? Have you considered moving your workout time around, if possible?

Energy is important, I haven’t been what you’ve been through, but I feel like I can somewhat relate to how it would feel like to lack that energy you described. I wonder if you can be doing something more or different during your workouts to help speed along this process of getting your mojo back.

Neural drive sessions - like what Thibs has written about…something like that? Just spitballin’ here.

At your T levels and with everything else considered, I would hold off at looking into TRT for now and maybe revisit in a year or so after you know you’ve given all those other systems enough time to come back on-line.

I hear what you said a few posts back about struggling with lifting without a goal. For me, the goal is to acheive maximum stimulation of the muscle I’m working. This type of goal is different, but it does anchor you “in the moment” quite nicely. For me, it’s brought a ton of enjoyment to lifting. Weights are like golf clubs to me…sometimes a 7-iron will do the trick, sometimes I need a driver. No attachment at all to the number on the side of the dumbbell (or in the case of normal meatheads, the side of the plate).

If you’re open to exploring it a bit, you might find that it would be a good fit for you. You are in a situation where optimum autoregulation would really have a huge impact on how fast you bounce all the way back (and beyond).

Great costume, by the way.

[/quote]

Haha cheers bro, Leatherface is always a hit with the ladies. Women find chainsaws and meathooks overwhelmingly romantic.

I was on IV oxylaplatin for the first cycle but after it crushed my kidneys I continued on just oral capecitabine (xeloda) for the remaining time. It took 7 months total.

Yeah my oncology team told me to think in months, not weeks, in terms of energy recovery. They also said I won’t start to feel decent until after Christmas, so there’s probably a long way to go yet. I guess I tend to overestimate my recuperation abilities, and expect myself to bounce back really fast. I’ve always had a habit of placing pressure on myself - should really watch that.

I train about 6:30pm, after walking my dog. Probably the only flexibility I have would be moving to morning training, say 7:30am. I’ve never tried training earlier than 11am before, but I’ll certainly keep it in mind in case my energy levels continue to hold me back.

Hmm. Yeah there is the thought of training for the sensation you want to feel. IE, explosive movements. I haven’t read CT’s stuff but I’ll give it a look. Way back, I used to power clean and push press quite often. There are probably some explosive movements I could include, perhaps such as box jumps etc.

I like your analogy between golf club and exercise selection. As a beginner lifter (I’ve only been lifting seriously for 3 years) I guess I lack confidence for “training by feel” which I presume is part of what you do? I need to read your log more thoroughly to understand your exact approach, but I certainly envy and respect your results.

But I think you’re correct. With my fluctuating energy levels and inability to target PR-based goals, training with the goal of specifically developing the muscle, and not placing the expectation of completing a programmed workout could be quite sensible. I hope I am interpreting you correctly haha. Cognitive abilities still fairly damaged - another cool side effect.

Care to outline the basics of what you mean? Or is it really as simple as choosing a group of muscles to exhaust or prime on a given day, and doing whatever fulfills this goal?

123

I think csulli made some really awesome points about mindset there, although I too obviously cannot imagine what you’ve been through. I would urge caution with the hernia though, I think you are right to treat it with respect. There are a tonne of different types of hernia - hernia itself really just means something bulging where it shouldn’t lol (hiatus hernia for example (stomach bulging through the diaphragm), is completely different to an inguinal hernia).

My point is that your hernia isn’t a simple one (I’m guessing it is incisional?), and that hernia complications can be nasty. So yeah, I’ve not examined you, I wouldn’t dream of giving you set in stone advice on it, I just want to say that I think your current cautious approach is the best one for now.

Thanks again for the incredible log, I really enjoy following your progress. I’m sorry the dip belt squats didn’t work out.

124

[quote]Warrioress wrote:
It’s great your results all came back normal - I guess a part of you was hoping for something to be out of whack to explain things - but I think Serge is right - it’s gonna take awhile longer for your systems to bounce back fully.
Keep doing what your doing - or maybe take this time to explore other ideas / forms of training (not sure what the heck Neural Drive Sessions are - but they sounds ace!)

Great Halloween costume, very dark - was a bit gutted I didn’t join in this year but I had a work thing on that night.
Speaking of dark - I think at some point I remember seeing a Goya as your avatar - or is my mind playing tricks?? Very cool if so.
[/quote]

Halloween is awesome huh? Though in your line of work I guess dress-up isn’t really a special occasion haha.

Ahh yes, Saturn devouring his son. My favourite painting, actually. Goya isn’t my favourite artist, though. That would be Theodor Kittelsen. I highly recommend a google. He did an awesome series relating to the Black Plague - quite uplifting stuff :).

And you’re correct, I was secretly hoping to find something to explain my blah feeling. Preferably something easily supplemented haha. But it’s all good… patience and perseverance!

125

[quote]LiftingStrumpet wrote:
I am also just spitballin’ but considering the load chemo places on your liver, kidneys, digestive system, endocrine system, etc. it’s not surprising you don’t feel like your old self yet. I have no idea how long it takes to recover from the beating, but your body is definitely somewhat broken still.[/quote]

You’re right. I suffered kidney failure during chemo, and my creatinine is still 1 point shy of being beyond “normal” upper range. They told me I have permanent damage, so I guess I have to get used to that too. Definitely somewhat broken haha.

126

[quote]csulli wrote:
Hey man, sorry I haven’t chimed in on your log in a while. I wasn’t sure what to say since I’ve never been in anything resembling your situation. I felt a little awkward about just trying to tell you to keep a positive mindset and be aggressive and driven in the gym given that I have zero basis for the physical reality of what you went through (and are going through). Anyway lol, I hope none of this comes across too trite or out of touch with where you are.

I had my hormones checked once just out of curiosity. I was in like the low-middle range like you said you were. My training partner said he would never get his checked for fear that it would color his mindset lol. Mindset is so important. You can do a lot with what you have. Some people just respond better to test as well, so it’s not always as cut and dry as what your level is so much as what your level is and how much does your body do with it. You see that all the time with guys on gear. Some dudes have to take literally twice the drugs to get the same results as another guy running moderate doses.

But like I said, as much as people have probably told you to “stay positive”, mindset is huge. Stay positive, stay aggressive, stay confident, whatever cue helps you hit the weights like a skullfucking savage (trademark csulli) is the one that will get you that strength and muscle and drive back. To my knowledge there are actually multiple studies showing a crazy placebo effect of telling people they are taking steroids. They even did one with experienced powerlifters. They thought they were taking gear and started setting PR’s of up to 20lbs on all their lifts. When they were informed that they were in fact taking nothing, the strength immediately went away, and they were back to what they were before. Mindset man. You gotta believe you’re getting bigger and stronger.

And about the hernia, look, obviously I’m not a fucking doctor, so don’t take my advice, BUT, here are my thoughts, and you can do with those what you wish. I’ve had 2 inguinal hernias for like 5 years now. One on each side, each just a slight bulge maybe 4cm across. They disappear when I lie down. I have no idea how I got them, and they?ve been pretty much entirely asymptomatic. I’ve never even told a doctor about them. I just kept on lifting like normal. I’ve done tons (literally) of beltless deadlifting, a 900lb rack pull (lol), atlas stones, farmer?s walks, squats, ab wheel, yadda yadda yadda. As far as I know a lot of hernias aren?t actually your guts/intestines poking out of your abdominal wall, but rather it?s just some visceral fat tissue bulging through. Anyway, I?m not telling you to do or not do anything, all I?m saying is that doing nothing has worked for me lol.

I hope at least like 1% of that can help you out in some way. I remember the deadlifts you used to post on here. I?d like to see you over 225kg again :)[/quote]

What’s up bro!

No worries, for a while I got pissed off with people telling me IRL to just be positive and that would make everything ok. But eventually I realised when it comes to shit like cancer, people just read from a predetermined script of “things you say to someone who has a potentially fatal illness” haha.

And regardless of it being a bit of a cliche - they’re right. You have to be positive… and not just when you have cancer haha. Life isn’t very fun when you roll around being a negative cunt all day. So why waste time?

But yeah - I’m not a particularly sensitive person, so it’s hard to offend me. Unless you diss my favourite beer.

I’d probably say the same if a friend of mine had cancer. Actually I’d probably make morbid jokes, then wonder if I had stepped the line. I’ve always been a bit of a line stepper - probably why I frequently end up single for all kinds of retarded reasons.

Well sweet, if lower-middle range test can produce a back like yours, then I will be fine haha. You’re probably right, I’m sure it actually means fuck all, and will probably pick up as I recover anyway. Unless they’re legit abnormal, test levels probably aren’t as critical as my mind is telling me. I’m probably just playing a weird blame game.

I’ll write Skullfucking Savage on my chalk-wall and see what it inspires. But yeah, it’s too easy to allow yourself to play victim when things aren’t going your way. Ya know, I’m sick… everyone should feel sorry for me… I’ve lost so much weight… I’m so weak… blah. That mindset doesn’t improve anything. And I’ve had my best lifts when I’ve approached the bar with aggression and intensity. I remember before my first 500lb pull I was pacing angrily and swearing at the bar haha. Awesome times.

Thankfully my mindset is slowly changing from sickly busted victim back to a slightly skinnier version of the manosaurus I once viewed myself as haha. I went to town for halloween and considered decking a couple of people, so the confidence must be returning!

Sorry to hear about your inguinal hernias, sounds pretty grim. But it’s cool they don’t hold you back. A lot of people bitch out with relatively minor glitches.
My hernia is a bit weird. The problem is not actually a bulge, but the GAP where my muscles didn’t join. 70x30mm of just skin over guts. It doesn’t really bulge when I lift, just when I sit up etc.
The main issue I feel with it is it gets quite tender and I get paranoid it will tear further. Not sure if this is actually possible.

I try not to let it hold me back, just never quite sure how far I feel willing to push it. The doctor said he didn’t want me to lift full stop but, knowing I would ignore that advice, said to just to light weight high reps. So I am kind of doing that haha.

Anyway, cheers for stopping in and I appreciate the comments on mindset etc. That’s very valid, and I need to recapture my old aggression when training. The bar doesn’t submit to weakness.

127

[quote]furo wrote:
I think csulli made some really awesome points about mindset there, although I too obviously cannot imagine what you’ve been through. I would urge caution with the hernia though, I think you are right to treat it with respect. There are a tonne of different types of hernia - hernia itself really just means something bulging where it shouldn’t lol (hiatus hernia for example (stomach bulging through the diaphragm), is completely different to an inguinal hernia).

My point is that your hernia isn’t a simple one (I’m guessing it is incisional?), and that hernia complications can be nasty. So yeah, I’ve not examined you, I wouldn’t dream of giving you set in stone advice on it, I just want to say that I think your current cautious approach is the best one for now.

Thanks again for the incredible log, I really enjoy following your progress. I’m sorry the dip belt squats didn’t work out. [/quote]

Hey man, I’m glad you enjoy my rambling and peasant lifting haha.

I think mine is technically a mix of incisional and ventral hernia? Since it’s not actually a bulge, but an area of open abdominal wall. But yeah while I agree with Csulli not to allow fear to rule me, I definitely feel a degree of physical risk / limitation which I take heed of. I’m doing stuff my surgeon told me not to do, but I still set pretty serious limits on myself. Otherwise I’d be pushing for squat PRs haha.

Don’t apologise about the belt squats man, it was a fantastic suggestion and I enjoyed the process of testing them etc. Plus I needed a new dip belt anyway!

128

06/11/14

Squat
10 x 3 x 87.5kg

Deadlift
6 x 3 x 87.5kg
1 x 110kg
1 x 140kg

Single Leg Calf Raise
20 x 20kg
20 x 20
20 x 20

Bodyweight 83.5kg

Everything went pretty smoothly. I decided to do a couple of deadlift singles to test my hernia. I got a friend to watch while I did them, to see if there was any bulge in the scar. Apparently there wasn’t so that’s cool.

I still think sticking with a very slow, light progression until after my hernia repair is sensible, but it’s nice to know I can throw in a single without splitting my abdomen in two. Probably a retarded idea, but I never claimed to be a genius.

I tend to creep over my eating goal by 200-300 daily so I’m going to try and really limit my calories to 3600 as I’m averaging 1kg per week, and that is Way too much.

129

07/11/14

Bench
6 x 82.5kg
6 x 82.5
6 x 82.5
6 x 82.5

DB Row
12 x 37.5kg
11 x 37.5
10 x 37.5
10 x 37.5

OHP
15 x 35kg
13 x 35
10 x 35

Rack Chin
15, 15, 11

Bicep Curl
15 x 20kg
15 x 20

Skull Crusher
20 x 12.5kg
16 x 12.5

BW 83.9kg

Pretty good workout. I’ve switched to chest supported DB rows as my hernia is bothering me a little. 3200 calories feels Third World as. Dropped them as I don’t want to Dreamer Bulk my way to obesity. Will reassess after a couple of weeks. I graph my weight and calories daily, so it’s pretty easy to spot trends.

130

11/11/14

Bench
8 x 82.5kg
6 x 82.5
6 x 82.5
6 x 82.5

DB Row
12 x 37.5kg
10 x 37.5
11 x 37.5
11 x 37.5

OHP
15 x 35kg
13 x 35
13 x 35

Rack Chin
15, 15, 12

Bicep Curl
15 x 20kg
15 x 20

Skull Crusher
20 x 12.5kg
16 x 12.5

BW 83.7kg

Bodyweight has dropped a couple of hundred grams, but I’ll wait until the end of the week before deciding whether to increase them slightly. It feels nice cramming less food in right now.

I reversed the order of Upper / Lower, so I have done two Upper in a row. I’m sure that’s no big deal.

Hit my target bench reps, and increased the ohp reps, and number of rack chins. So, as per usual I will add weight next time. Not far from adding weight to rack chins too actually - fun!

I need to order another 4 x 5kg plates for my dumbbells. It sucks being limited in the number of plates you can fit on! And I own the longest DB handles you can get in NZ.

131

12/11/14

Deadlift
10 x 3 x 87.5kg

Squat
6 x 3 x 87.5kg

Single Leg Calf Raise
15 x 40kg
15 x 40
15 x 40

BW 83.7kg. Not sure how many days to wait until I establish this as my maintenance? Ideally I want to reduce my weight gain to 1-1.5kg per month, but I don’t want to waste too much time sitting at the same weight. Hmm.

Anyway I started taking zinc, magnesium and vit d3 supplements and slept really well last night, and had more energy today. I felt really good actually. Probably just placebo effect, but I’ll take it!

I think I was meant to add 2.5kg to the weights but it’s all good will just do it next session. It’s all so light it doesn’t really mean much anyway haha.

Once thing is for sure; by the time I get back to lifting heavy, my form will be well-ingrained by all these featherweight lifts!

132

I’m glad the rack chins are working out for you. A 140k pull is not too shabby for someone with a hernia who has had chemo & hasn’t been able to max out in ages, think how quickly you’ll be back pulling heavy once you’re all fixed up!

Haha I remember what a pain home DBs can be, forevever changing the plates & how they’re more awkward for some exes due to the end of the handle poking out the end.

133

[quote]Lift and Eat wrote:
I’m glad the rack chins are working out for you. A 140k pull is not too shabby for someone with a hernia who has had chemo & hasn’t been able to max out in ages, think how quickly you’ll be back pulling heavy once you’re all fixed up!

Haha I remember what a pain home DBs can be, forevever changing the plates & how they’re more awkward for some exes due to the end of the handle poking out the end.[/quote]

Yeah the rack chins are legit. Excellent exercise. I will probably keep doing them even after hernia repair, as they hit my lats like nothing else. When I start loading them, I’ll try using my weighted vest (30kg in 1kg increments) because that should dump the stress on my shoulders rather than core, as a DB in the lap would.

Thanks man, I’m really hoping that even though I’m only able to lift light, it’ll help me preserve some strength for the long-term goals. My hernia evaluation happens in 4 weeks, so I should know the operation date shortly after that.

Right now I could definitely deadlift over 400lb, as 140kg felt like a warm up in terms of CNS and lockout. But yeah I think it’d be stupid to put that much strain on the hernia right now. Tempting though haha.

Home DBs are a hassle for sure. It’s made slightly less annoying by the fact I have two sets and generally only use 12.5kg or 37.5kg. So no adjusting required. Tightening the spin-locks between sets is probably the worst part. Just wish I had some longer ones!

134

Been a bit quiet as I’ve been really stressed out by a new manager at work, my girlfriend moving out, and some resurgent insomnia. But I’m back at it and had a good workout tonight!

24/11/14

Bench
6 x 85kg
6 x 85
6 x 85
6 x 85

DB Row
12 x 37.5kg
12 x 37.5
12 x 37.5
12 x 37.5

OHP
15 x 35kg
15 x 35
15 x 35

Rack Chin
15, 15, 13

Bicep Curl
12 x 25kg
12 x 25

Skull Crusher
20 x 12.5kg
20 x 12.5

BW 84kg

I’ve got my weight gain under control now - nice and slow. Always good when you take 1.5 weeks off and come back stronger haha. FInally hit all 15 x 3 on OHP so I can increase the weight at last!

135

hey panzer good to hear from you again.

136

[quote]zenontheterrible wrote:
hey panzer good to hear from you again. [/quote]

Thanks bro! Hope all is good in your world.

137

26/11/14

Squat
10 x 3 x 90kg

Deadlift
6 x 3 x 90kg

Single Leg Calf Raise
20 x 40kg
20 x 40
20 x 40

Bodyweight 83.5kg

Bodyweight has dipped a little, but I will see where it goes by the end of the week before I decide what to do. I have increased my calories by 100 recently so I don’t want to panic and push them too high.

138

Hope the recent stresses and resurgent insomnia have eased off - are you still taking the zinc, magnesium and vit d3 supps?

139

[quote]Warrioress wrote:
Hope the recent stresses and resurgent insomnia have eased off - are you still taking the zinc, magnesium and vit d3 supps?[/quote]

The insomnia fluctuates at the moment, still averaging 5-6 hours sleep per night so it could be worse!

The zinc destroyed my digestion, so I dropped that. However the mag and d3 seem to do no harm and hopefully some good.

140

Yeah - 5-6 hours is pretty respectable for an insomniac :slight_smile: I’m happy these days on 6 or so hours after enduring 3-4 hours for long periods of time.
It’s a bit girly but lavender oil has actually helped me in the past when things haven’t been too bad, but for those nights when it feels you need a sledgehammer I use a highish dose of promethazine, a sedating antihistamine - might be worth a shot if you haven’t tried it.