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21

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.

When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.

Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80’s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ’s.

If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

George Carlin

22

“There is nothing certain–nothing except the unimportance of everything I understand and the greatness of something incomprehensible yet all-important.”

L. Tolstoy

23

All from Ambrose Bierce. They crack me up everytime.

Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.

Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.

It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.

Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.

24

What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail

Unknown

In this time-space continuem I exist, and so do steroids, hymmm…

ps

25

[quote]panteasniffer wrote:
What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail

Unknown[/quote]

that was Dr. Robert Schuller

26

[quote]hedo wrote:
I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Winston Churchill[/quote]

More Churchill quotes:

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”

“Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.”

“There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true.”

“We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.”

“Many forms of Government have been tried, and will be tried in this world of sin and woe. No one pretends that democracy is perfect or all-wise. Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.”

“Never give in–never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”

27

“Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.”

Jeremy, Wedding Crashers

28

“You know how I know you’re gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says ‘I like it when balls are in my face.’”

  • David, 40-Year-Old Virgin
29

“You know how I know you’re gay? Because you’re gay so you can tell who the gay people are.”

  • Cal, 40-Year-Old Virgin
30

“When a girl tells you how many guys she’s slept with, multiply it by three and that’s the real number. Didn’t you fuckers learn anything in college?”

  • Stifler, American Pie 2
31

“A condom is the glass slipper for our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night, and then you throw it away. The condom, I mean, not the stranger.”

  • Marla Singer, Fight Club
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“Ok. You fuck me, then snub me. You love me, you hate me. You show me a sensitive side, then you turn into a total asshole. Is this a pretty accurate description of our relationship, Nate?”

  • My ex
33

“All the ways you wish you could be, that’s me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.”

  • Tyler Durden, Fight Club
34

[quote]Nate Dogg wrote:
“You know how I know you’re gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says ‘I like it when balls are in my face.’”

  • David, 40-Year-Old Virgin[/quote]

Excellent movie!

35

Futile? Life is not futile if you simply live it. It remains futile however as long as you keep watching yourself live it. And that is the old syndrome: keeping a constant eye on oneself and on one?s life, to make sure that the absurd is not showing, that one has company, that one is justified by the presence and support of others.

Thomas Merton

36

[quote]graphicsMan wrote:
“I can resist everything except temptation” -Oscar Wilde

“A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it” -Oscar Wilde

“A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing” -Oscar Wilde

“Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much” -Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde was a smart man.[/quote]

“Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.” -last words of Oscar Wilde

37

Kick. Ass. Quote.

[quote]DiogenestheCynic wrote:

More Chruchill quotes:

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”

[/quote]

38

He not busy being born is busy dying.

-Bob Dylan

Fear is a powerful thing
It can turn your heart black you can trust
It’ll take your God-filled soul
Fill it with devils and dust

-Bruce Springsteen

39

“You can get a lot farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.”
– Al Capone

“Without haste, but without rest.”
– Goethe

40

“Life is tough, but it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

goes right along with

“It should hurt to be stupid.”