I guess I should give an update. I did get my blood checked. Doctor didn’t really think that it is necessary but I got him to do it anyway. Results were insignificant. Cholesterol and triglycerides were both slightly elevated. I am going to ignore that as I never had a blood test without elevated tryglicerides and doc said I don’t need to worry about the cholesterol at this point.
I saw the psychiatrist on Thursday and to be honest I was surprised and actually even more scared after the appointment.
She found both my medication as well as therapeutic treatment insufficient given the significance of my symptoms. Which is funny if I think about in how bad of a shape I was a few years ago for months on end. If I would have seen her back then, she would have probably just shot me like a horse with a broken leg, lol.
In all seriousness she wants me on better medication and urged me to go to either a day clinic or do a stationary visit in a mental health institute. I am not considering either at this point.
The problem with the medication is that I can’t just start taking the other pills. I need to gradually get off my current pills before I can start taking the other medication. Usually you even need to have a period in between without any medication since you can’t have both of them in your blood. The doc said however that we can probably start taking the other medicine immediately after I am off the current stuff, given my generally good health and age.
She warned me that the switch or better to say getting off my antidepressant will be hard. She gave me some other stuff that I can take in case of an emergency (panic attacks). Those are pretty strong, you can’t drive under the influence of them and they are additictive and they are sedative (max. dose is 3 per day and she warned me that you’ll probably be fast asleep if you really take 3) .
So I’ll try to save them for emergencies only! Because that is all quite serious stuff.
Other than that she gave me the number of a suicide hotline… So yeah…
I returned to work today. I was anxious about it but on the other hand I was looking forward to it because it is part of a normal schedule and might even help in a way.
I still have the problem that I can’t fall asleep in the evening and can’t get out of bed in the morning. I have very low Energy throughout the day.
Cold symptoms are in the mend again. I want to start with light training this week. Higher frequency and A LOT lower volume.
Additionally I thought about doing another comp to get me focussed again and have some fun because some of the members of my strongman club are going and it isn’t far. It is called “King of the overhead”, takes place in Austria, organized by a legendary former u105 competitior and isn’t sanctioned. It takes place the 16th of November and features the log lift, axle clean and press and circus db, all for max. weight with three attempts.
I have never praked for a max lift with self chosen attempts before. I reckon it could be a great fun and I can push as high or low as I want. If I decide on participating I have one week to get back into the gym and then 5 weeks of prep + one week of deload.
I also might join a different gym for the next 1-2 month, which is much better equipped. It is super expensive though but might be a nice change of pace.
If you really made it all the way down here: Thanks for reading
Wanted to start training again today but I randomly woke up with a sore thront again. So that is what… 5 weeks of on and off cold symptoms?
Also yesterday was hell. Like really, really bad. Even with the emergency meds. I am currently looking into a solution involving a day clinic. I don’t think that I have it in me anymore to tough this out. According to the psychiatrist, such a treatment has the best chance of actually helping you to get better. I’ll also move back to where I come from. Either after the therapy or before depending on availability of clinics.
All I know is I can’t take a lot more days like yesterday. Literally.
Wow things are moving fast around here. Two years ago this log was a lot of happiness, a few month ago a parade of awesome PRs and now you can watch my descent into darkness/ madness. Also no training whatsoever lately
Go to the clinic and get sorted. It’s like a physical injury, you need to do what needs to be done to heal. The process will suck, but you keep looking towards the end result of not being fucked up any more.
Agree with Mark. Go and get this stuff sorted. We all know strong you can be and believe you will get through this. We are here for you in whatever form you need. You can and you will do this. viel Glück mein Freund
Thanks guys, it really means a lot to have you in my corner. I need all the friends I can get.
Today was a little less hell. But still very bad. I saw my therapist and made even more decisions. I need to trust what I feel I need not what I should or what I think about this and that or what others might think about me. I need to understand what I need and prioritise accordingly. Even though the decisions might not seem to great or go with what I want and want myself to be. At this point it is about what I need because I am deadly afraid and need to make sure to survive. Otherwise I can’t find out what better times might look like and have in store for me.
Too long (and confusing to read): I decided to go to my parents. I’ll even leave this week. Maybe that will help me come down initially and I might even stay there for a time depending on the clinic and so on again. I feel like I need to get out of here (even though there is nothing “here” that is threatening me
Right now, there is no point in trying to rationalise why you shouldn’t feel this way. You feel like this, it’s hell, and you address it. When you feel better you can do all the rationalising you want but now the priority is getting out of this situation and that’s exactly what you’re doing.
Short answer, never feel bad for feeling a certain way. That’s outside your control. How you respond isn’t, and what you’re doing is the correct response.
@MarkKO very well put, thanks my friend. @simo74 and @TX_iron thank you as well for the support.
So my psychiatrist agreed to see me on Monday again, which is much earlier than planned but I told her things are looking pretty bad so thankfully I got another appointment on short notice. Makes me appreciate the health care system here more. If you really need help, you can get access to it pretty quick (and without going in debt).
Right now I am on my way home. My parents are on a much needed vacation but I’ll spend some time with my sister who is sitting the dogs and will probably see a friend or two. Pretty big hassle to make the way back Sunday given the distance but I don’t want to muss the appointment.
My cold is back with a vengence and this time with much more typical symptoms. Maybe that means I’ll finally get rid of it. Doc is assuring ne that it isn’t impossible for a cold to last this long.
It might be connected to my general situation as well and in his opinion probably to me getting off my meds. Don’t know why but If he says so …
In general the last two days have been more tolerable and I managed yesterday without Lorazepam.
Mark said it, it’s your feeling, it’s your sensation. And you’re dealing with it in a very good way.
I hope you can get out of you current medicine and in to the new one, with as little struggle as possible.
Moving back to your parent for a little while could be a very good call.
Sports first: I still haven’t gotten rid of my cold (5 weeks now - should be a PR). Symptoms are now concentrated above the neck though and I think I am finally about to be clear of it. I can’t remember the last time I have taken such a long break from exercise. It adds up to about 2 months off regular training all in all. Right now I am just thankful that I get to train at all. I am trying to not think any numbers and don’t compare to previous strength levels. I don’t have the drive right now anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I want to get back into shape, get my old strength back and surpass it. I just have a lot of other Things going through my head. The plan for now is take two weeks to very slowly get back into the motions and prepare my body for training again without over stimulating or being too sore to workout. Then I will do a full body basic strongman template that I have once used in the past already for a short time.
Workout after a particularly beautiful 2 hour walk.
1 deadlift
2 x 5 @ 100 kg
2 squat
2 x 5 @ 70 kg
3 Bench Press
2 x 5 @ 60 kg
4 strict press
2 x 5 @ 40 kg
Health update:
Times are hard, I am not going to lie about that. I think I have made the right decisions to set myself up for recovery/ getting along as best as I can.
I left work on good terms and my bosses were very supportive and understanding.
I am staying at my parent’s right now. I will return to Munich one last time next week to get my stuff and say goodbye.
I am in the process of getting into a day clinic but that is frustratingly slow. I am enjoying the forests and fields around my home village very much as we had nice autumn weather these last few days. Taking long walks in this beautiful display of nature gives me strength and occasionally makes me smile and feel good.
I have also caught up with some friends already.
I am right now off any anti depressants and will start the new medication on Wednesday. The psychiatrists said to expect some nasty side effects on the first few days. I haven’t taken Lorazepam in two weeks.
There are a lot of struggles obvious and dark moments. Panic attacks are fewer atm but a lot of underlying “basic tension”. In those dark moments I sometimes ask myself why even fight anymore? Why get up? Why struggle so much? It would be easier to lay down and wait for the inevitable. Also there are a few super dark moments where the thought “why not get it over with?” comes to mind. Those are rare but also very harsh.
Yesterday on the other hand on one of my walks where I tried to clear my head and think about stuff without going into too dark of a place, I had a different moment. A glimpse of hope in a way. That things will improve. That I can have the life I want. That I am worthy of having a happy life. That I deserve better than this. That moment made my day. I was standing out in a field in front of the forest all by myself and I was smiling from ear to ear. I don’t know why I suddenly had those thoughts and were able to manifest them (please don’t refer to religion btw., this ist not what I am implying in any way). Anyway, I thought: This is not it. I am not fucking done yet!
So that’s why the log’s name changed. I have a long and very difficult road ahead of me but if those questions pop up in my head again during particularly dark moments, I have a reminder what the answer is.
Thanks for reading. I am not super active but I am reading all the logs I used to.
Thank you so much much for sharing. This post damn near made me cry and then made me smile really BIG. It good to hear you are getting a handle on things and have a clear plan on your recovery. I’m a long way away but I am here for you if you need to talk or just to give you encouragement and hopefully help you stay in track. I saw that log title change and thought FK yeah! He is back. I know you will get through this and look forward to following f your journey to happiness, strength and a great future.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and everything. The last part made me happy.
It sounds like a rough time, however as I interpret it, you’re on the way.
Keep at it my friend, find the bright side of life as you already did.
glad to see you back in here.