I haven’t replied to this thread despite it being of great personal interest, because I don’t have time and energy, so I’ll keep it brief.
This cannot be overstated enough, scripture was written for us, but not to us, therefore the proclamation to drive out and kill the inhabitants of the land is not for us, not for modern day Israel, it’s history, and it’s scripture for us to learn from, not a permanent decree.
In terms of reconciling the facets of God, I largely agree with the rest of Emwar’s comments.
God is God, all life belongs to Him, if you think wiping evil people off the face of the planet for horrendous things is hard to reconcile, wait to you realise the curse that hangs over all creation is actually a curse from God - for eating a piece of fruit!
Slightly facetious, but you get the point, the Bible doesn’t shy away from this God is severe (Romans 11:22) in His judgement and punishment of sin. What we’ve got to realise is that we’re so fallen at can’t see how awful sin, all sin, really is, so when we find ourselves feeling God is being overly strong, we have to re-assess, fall back to the position that God is God and we know he’s good - will not the judge of all the earth do right? (Rhetorical - yes of course he will, if we think he’s wrong, we’re wrong).
I love the last few chapters of Job, where God shows up and answers Job and his “friends” and basically says, who the heck do you think you are too question me (gives absolutely zero answers to their questions, just thoroughly dresses them down). We have to remember:
“I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me.
Job 42:2-3 NLT
Also I saw @SepCalla mention the differences between OT and NT and whilst there are linguistic and scholarly differences (it’s a book written over nearly 2000 years by over 40 different authors and 3 different continents with 3 different languages, I think we can forgive it), it’s still got a consistent narrative and view of God - Jesus repeatedly talks of Hell, a place of eternal conscious torment, Ananias and Sapphira are stuck down dead and well let’s just say Revelation isn’t exactly without fire and wrath!
God is severe, but He is also patient and kind, He is love and He loves this fallen creation - For God so loved the world, that he gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him might have eternal life.
But the righteous God must punish sin, otherwise he’s no longer a righteous judge.
Alright that wasn’t that brief, if I’m slow to reply apologies.