Open Letter to Gym Members

Off Topic
1

Some lifters head to the gym and hit the weights, diligently adhering to their programs, without paying notice to any other gym members.

I do not count myself among these people.

Life is just too funny, and other gym members provide a constant source of hilarity. There are probably 10-12 people who go to my gym for whom I have created nicknames and elaborate backstories. I don’t know them, and I don’t want to know them. I like the fictions that I have created.

I’m sure there are others here who do the same. Please use this as an opportunity to post open letters to strange/quirky/completely abnormal members of your gym.

I will start…

"Dear Anguished-Looking Asian Man,

I have to hand it to you, Anguished-looking Asian Man, Webster’s Dictionary should have your face next to the definitions of “exertion” and “intensity”. In fact, they should add the word “exertensity” in 2014 and just have your face there, with no text needed. Whether you’re getting a drink at the fountain, adjusting your spandex bike shorts, doing that 10lb bicep curl/lateral raise hybrid you’ve invented, or playing with one of your four silly holographic balance bracelets, your facial contortions and gnashing of teeth imply a truly Herculean effort, one that draws upon every ounce of your strength and willpower.

When I first saw you, I thought your look of agony might have been involuntary. A stroke, perhaps? Some sort of vocational-related electrocution? As an Asian man, I even suspected it could have been the after effects of a feast of improperly-prepared fugu. But no, Anguished-Looking Asian Man, that’s just what your face does as soon as you step into the gym. And your intensity inspires.

When you do light hamstring stretches, you look like you’re being stung in the anus by 1000 bullet ants. When you finish a set of lunges, you look like a frost-bitten Sherpa who is 10 meters away from the peak of Everest. When you fill your shaker bottle with water, your intense face is reminiscent of a gladiator bludgeoning his opponent with a cestus.

Keep stoking that fire inside, Anguished-looking Asian Man."

2

“Dear skinny blonde Dutch guy,
One thing I have to admit is that I’ve always admired your fearlessness in the face of injury. It is amazing how you can close grip bench 140 (almost your bodyweight, I’m sure) and then flare your elbows way out and up halfway through each rep, essentially turning it into a reverse breaststroke. Maybe you’re an elite swimmer trying to train the antagonist muscles? We’ll never know. And the way you squat - feet in squishy trainers, heels almost touching - I bet those 90 pounds give you one hell of a back workout. But you’re smart. You know you need to train ALL muscles and you also know about the importance of explosive training, so you often do semi-rotated reverse grip dumbbell cleans - at least I think that’s what they are since a guy like you would never butcher hammer curls in such an atrocious manner. And you know what? Since the first day I saw you train, about 18 months ago, I think you’ve added at least 10 pounds to your squat! Now that is what I call progress. Keep up the good work.”

(I hope everybody realises we’re being arrogant dickheads here)

3

Dear Mr. Piston,

You sound like some hydraulic press every rep you do as you squeeze your breath out through pursed lips. Please just try opening your mouth and breathing as I can hear you on the other side of the gym, and a hydraulic press can push a lot more than 25lbs.

4

[quote]PimpBot5000 wrote:
Some lifters head to the gym and hit the weights, diligently adhering to their programs, without paying notice to any other gym members.

I do not count myself among these people.

Life is just too funny, and other gym members provide a constant source of hilarity. There are probably 10-12 people who go to my gym for whom I have created nicknames and elaborate backstories. I don’t know them, and I don’t want to know them. I like the fictions that I have created.

I’m sure there are others here who do the same. Please use this as an opportunity to post open letters to strange/quirky/completely abnormal members of your gym.

I will start…

"Dear Anguished-Looking Asian Man,

I have to hand it to you, Anguished-looking Asian Man, Webster’s Dictionary should have your face next to the definitions of “exertion” and “intensity”. In fact, they should add the word “exertensity” in 2014 and just have your face there, with no text needed. Whether you’re getting a drink at the fountain, adjusting your spandex bike shorts, doing that 10lb bicep curl/lateral raise hybrid you’ve invented, or playing with one of your four silly holographic balance bracelets, your facial contortions and gnashing of teeth imply a truly Herculean effort, one that draws upon every ounce of your strength and willpower.

When I first saw you, I thought your look of agony might have been involuntary. A stroke, perhaps? Some sort of vocational-related electrocution? As an Asian man, I even suspected it could have been the after effects of a feast of improperly-prepared fugu. But no, Anguished-Looking Asian Man, that’s just what your face does as soon as you step into the gym. And your intensity inspires.

When you do light hamstring stretches, you look like you’re being stung in the anus by 1000 bullet ants. When you finish a set of lunges, you look like a frost-bitten Sherpa who is 10 meters away from the peak of Everest. When you fill your shaker bottle with water, your intense face is reminiscent of a gladiator bludgeoning his opponent with a cestus.

Keep stoking that fire inside, Anguished-looking Asian Man."

[/quote]

That was really fucking funny.

I’ve seen that face on so many Japanese dudes, even in situations where the exertion is mental rather than physical. It’s like they need to display the turmoil. I call it the “ganbaru face” (ganbaru: to exert strong effort). At track meets and soccer games, Japanese parents don’t yell to their kids to “win!” or “beat them!” or anything like that. They yell “ganbatte!” (“try hard!”).

The result is not the point. The fact that everyone knows you’re giving it all you’ve got is the point. Even if all you’ve got is not much.

5

[quote]Varqanir wrote:
The result is not the point. The fact that everyone knows you’re giving it all you’ve got is the point. Even if all you’ve got is not much.
[/quote]

Crossfit? :wink:

6

Oooh I have some to work on for this, lol

7

Dear skinny italian american dude in a tanktop (looks half Hispanic)
I am glad that you work at my gym as a personal trainer. Its nice how after your shift ends you change into a wife beater tanktop and inconspicuously train in the gym by yourself.
It is refreshing to see how see you load 2 plates on each side of bar. and announce in a loud deep voice “225 that ain’t shit!!” as you proceed lie on the bench and unrack the loaded bar all by yourself. and lower that heavy weight until your elbows form a very obtuse angle. waaaay over 90 degrees.I am sure that pin presses in a power rack are for pussys and lowering the bar to your chest just gives you “a rest position for the weight”, while deactivating the triceps.

I am amazed that after 10 reps of bench pressing 225 you still have the will power and endurance to work your lower back and biceps with 95 pound barbell curls. did you learn antagonistic muscle groups training in personal trainer college or is that street smarts? when you are performing barbell curls are you thinking about humping bitches, so you pelvic thrust? I believe in people like you.

-CircaThursday