Never feel rushed to reply to me. I’ve written a few posts today, but those were comparatively easy. These kinds of things take a greater deal of time.
First off, thank you for opening up. I welcome the discourse. Evidently, our paths are similar, and also distinctly different. I don’t feel the need to disregard it, and you aren’t overstepping if that is a worry of yours.
I understand that this is a long time ago, but nevertheless, my sincere condolences.
It didn’t really start around a new phase in life for me, I just replaced one self-destructive mechanism with another. I was gainfully employed and had been for long enough to have found some stability there. Sure, things have never been stable for me, and I’m sure my social circle was morphing around a lot back then too, but not uncustomary so.
I’m not offended by this remark or anything, I’m just curious as to what I’ve written in the past that gave this impression? Maybe my memory is flawed, and I’ve lost sight of some trigger that I had a better sense for in the past. Or maybe you are referring to one of the times it has resurfaced?
Hahah, that is certainly a problem area I’m discovering more and more as every day passes. In many ways. Siblings are okay-ish, although I have some gripes. I have more unresolved issues with regards to my parents but to remain within scope I’ll simply reply that my parents didn’t set me on the best path nutritionally, but they more set me up for obesity than anything else but I will note that I’m not the only kid of theirs that has developed an eating disorder.
I feel you. I’ve lost proverbial years, going in and out of this since at least the start of my log.
I haven’t had the same realisation, or at least not an as powerful one. When I’m gaining weight, I get stronger and function better. But, my problems can arise nevertheless. I know that no one can fix this for me, and that I have to put in the work regardless of what help I get. I’m the one that has to grab myself by the collar, and I sometimes do, it’s just so convoluted that I relapse a lot.
That is a powerful insight. I’ve never looked at it that way. When I’m deep in it, I don’t feel as if I have control, I feel as if the disorder is controlling me. As I’ve written about the past, I don’t want to control my eating disorder, or want it to control me. I desire liberty.
This will help with some thing, not everything. I’m positive regardless. A change of scenery will do me good.
That’s the thing, I feel as if I know exactly what you are communicating to me. I wonder if it was @Koestrizer that said that if it all it took to turn things around was insight, then he wouldn’t have that many problems to speak of. I truly believe every single word you are communicating to me, sincerely.
I keep trying. Trying to find additional outlets for emotional regulation for instance, and practice a better body image. I’ve taken the idea from @T3hPwnisher when he communicated with @aldebaran about only looking in his mirror after a workout, when he knows that he looks his best. I practice positive self-talk actively. I know what it is like to have a self-deprecating voice, because I did, and most of the times I do not but I can disassociate from my actual body image and how I perceive it very easily. Maybe it doesn’t help that I’ve had serious dissociative spells where I don’t even know if a person is real or if I’m hallucinating them or disconnected enough so that I don’t even recognize my mirror image (not figuratively).
I am! I got a prescription for Stratera, which you have to take every day as it buffers. I’m not feeling any sides or effect yet, but I’m at a very low dose. I don’t really know how to draw parallells between the FDA and what we have here, but the gripe with the drug that I know that I respond to is (let’s simply) classified as a more restricted substance so doctor’s cannot prescribe it as easily. Amusingly, the drug that I’m on has worse sides, it just doesn’t have any recreational use.
Yeah, I don’t know. I know I have a lot of anxiety and emotional regulation problems, and I see a lot of my behaviour has just been about that. Causing pain and suffering elsewhere to feel the stuff that is going on internally less acutely.
That is an interesting view that I’ll have to mull over.
Since you showed me a great kindness by sharing your story, I want to check in with you and ask if you feel okay — the last topic on your log had to do with your looks, and going back and forth between surplus/deficits. Are you in a happy place overall and trying to figure things out without there being any cause for concern? If you prefer to email me, you’ve done so in the past, and are always welcome in my inbox.
