My Story

Djwlfpack · August 1, 2008, 5:02am

I wanted to share with you all a series I did for my newspaper last year.

Here’s links to Parts II and III…

http://www.lcni5.com/cgi-bin/storyviewarchive.cgi?038+20071128-832-038-038035.archive+SportsLocal

http://www.lcni5.com/cgi-bin/storyviewarchive.cgi?038+2007927-5452-038-038007.archive+Sports

Part I
Grappling with lifeï¿½??s obstacles

Editorï¿½??s note: This is the first installment in a series that will follow Sports Editor Dan Johnsonï¿½??s training for a submission grappling tournament later this year.

The series will not only chronicle Danï¿½??s training for the event, but also the reasons behind his wanting to compete, and his prior experiences in organized sports and other aspects of his life.

I believe everyone has one life changing moment.

I recall mine vividly.

It was Nov. 1, 2005. My wife and I had just sat down at a table at the Chiliï¿½??s restaurant by Southwest Plaza when suddenly the room began to close in around me and started to spin. I broke out into a massive sweat and my heart was racing out of control.

I didnï¿½??t know what was going on, but I knew whatever it was, couldnï¿½??t be good.

I told my wife that we were leaving immediately, and I made a dash for the back exit. My heart was still pounding against my chest as the cold fall air hit me squarely in the face. I needed to try and settle my heartbeat, so I decided to walk around the parking lot.

The walk helped as my heartbeat slowly returned to normal. My wife was able to drive us back to our home, which thankfully, wasnï¿½??t more than a few minutes away.

I thought the worst was over. I was wrong.

Shortly after returning home, my heart again began to beat out of control and the sweating also returned. I was really starting to freak out. Things like this donï¿½??t happen to normal, healthy 26-year-olds, I told myself as I paced around the apartment, hoping that my body would snap out of whatever funk it was in and return to normal.

Unfortunately, that didnï¿½??t happen and before I knew it, I was in the emergency room.

Some five hours later (letï¿½??s just say this particular E.R. wasnï¿½??t the speediest), a doctor told me I likely had a panic attack.

I had heard the term before but was a bit puzzled as to why the doctor would think I had one, seeing as how I was in a stress-free environment when the episode took place.

The doctor told me that you donï¿½??t always have to be in a stressful situation to have a panic attack; oftentimes itï¿½??s a buildup of stress that leads to an attack.

Now things were starting to make more sense.

Over the next two months I would go on to have several more panic attacks, none as worse as the original episode, but attacks, nonetheless. I was depressed, angry, sad, confused and quiet. I shut myself off from most people, including my wife, because I just didnï¿½??t want to talk about what was bothering me.

As I would sit in my living room in silence, I would often ask myself the following questions:

Why is this happening to me?

What is causing these attacks to occur?

Will I ever be able to return to a normal life?

To get the answers to these questions, I had to do the one thing I thought I never would ï¿½?? I had to see a therapist.

I was always a bit skeptical of therapy and figured whatever problem that I had, I could solve on my own. I was faced with something I couldnï¿½??t handle alone and I needed someone outside of my family and friends to listen to my situation without bias and give me an honest evaluation of my situation.

So, just before Christmas of 2005 I had my first therapy appointment. It went surprisingly well. I was a bit nervous at first, but after a few minutes I opened up and began to discover some of the possible reasons as to why I was suddenly having these panic attacks.

What I discovered was that I had spent a great deal of my life living in fear. I spent a great deal of my life afraid of death. I grew up afraid of upsetting and disappointing my father. I grew up in a neighborhood where my so-called friends came from not the best of upbringings, and I was afraid of them. I was afraid of failing at my job.

Panic attacks are commonly referred to as the ï¿½??fight or flight response.ï¿½?? Well, it was clear after one session with my therapist that I had been racking up a lot of frequent flier miles. Instead of confronting my fears, I flew away from them.

Now was the time to face my fears, and hopefully, overcome them.

As the months went on, I began to see progress. I found myself letting go of stressors that didnï¿½??t need to be held onto, and also found ways of relaxing myself when I felt stressed. I did a lot of deep breathing exercises, and even experimented with various forms of meditation. Not everything worked, but some things worked enough to the point where I literally felt the anxiety melting off my body.

Still, though, I felt like something was missing. In order to truly change my way of thinking, I needed to push myself outside of my comfort zone and do something I wouldnï¿½??t ordinarily do.

Instead of being a flier, I needed to become a fighter.
Thatï¿½??s what ultimately led me into Gumm Mixed Martial Arts and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Iï¿½??ve always had an enormous amount of respect for mixed martial artists, and figured if I began to train like one, I too, would develop not only physical toughness, but mental toughness as well.

Brad and Alicia Gumm, the husband and wife duo that run the facility, instantly welcomed me with open arms. Brad, who has over 30 career MMA fights, including two in the UFC, is without question one of the nicest people youï¿½??ll ever meet. Heï¿½??s also very knowledgeable when it comes to BJJ (heï¿½??s a brown belt), and Alicia is no slouch either, having earned her purple belt.

While I was welcomed instantly, I certainly didnï¿½??t feel comfortable. Sure, the people there training were nice, but I couldnï¿½??t help feel like I was a fish out of water. I hadnï¿½??t had any martial arts training for 20 years. I had taken some Karate classes as a kid, but that was the extent of it.

Everything we did in the first few classes felt foreign to me. If we were supposed to move left, I moved right. Up was down, north was south and after a few weeks, my head was spinning from trying to remember all the steps to the moves.

Another issue I had was my flexibility. While Iï¿½??ve kept myself in good shape the past 10 years, I have never been very flexible. Well, flexibility is key in BJJ, as youï¿½??re squirming, pulling and grabbing in some tight spots, all of which require flexible hips, legs and arms.

After time my flexibility improved (not much, but enough to make a difference), as did my knowledge of BJJ. The submission holds, takedowns, sweeps and guard defenses began to sink into my brain at a faster rate.

Unfortunately, that improvement didnï¿½??t last long, as my attendance at Gumm MMA became more sporadic due to conflicts with my work schedule. Sometimes Iï¿½??d be able to go twice a week, other times Iï¿½??d miss two straight months.
With the school year now over, I knew this was my chance to re-dedicate myself to my BJJ training.

If I was going to re-dedicate myself, I needed to come up with some form of motivation.

Hereï¿½??s what I came up with:

Iï¿½??m going to compete in a submission grappling tournament.
I have to admit, the idea sounded scary to me the first time I said it aloud, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized this was the perfect thing for me to do.

A final step in a near two-year journey in my battle to transition from flier to fighter.

Over the next several months, Iï¿½??m going to detail my training leading up to the competition (which is scheduled for early November), and also go back in time and share with you moments from my childhood and early adulthood that I feel contributed to my panic attacks, and how Iï¿½??ve faced and overcome those moments since then.
I hope you readers enjoy the journeyï¿½?ï¿½I know Iï¿½??m looking forward to it.

BOX
For those that donï¿½??t know, panic attacks (also known as anxiety attacks) are a sudden surge of overwhelming fear that comes without warning and without any obvious reason. A panic attack is far more intense than feeling ï¿½??stressed outï¿½??. Common symptoms are:
-racing heartbeat
-difficulty breathing, feeling like you canï¿½??t get enough air
-paralyzing terror
-dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea
-trembling, sweating, shaking
-choking, chest pains
-hot flashes or sudden chills
-ï¿½??pins and needlesï¿½?? (tingling) feeling in fingers or toes
-fear that youï¿½??re going crazy or are about to die

Djwlfpack · August 1, 2008, 5:07am

Part II

A jammed middle finger and left big toe.

A swollen right ankle.

A bruised right elbow.

Various aches and pains in my shoulders, back and neck.
These are just some of the little bumps and bruises Iï¿½??ve encountered along the way in my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training at Gumm Mixed Martial Arts and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu in the past two months.

Despite the pain, Iï¿½??m having a great time.

I will admit that when I first moved up to the intermediate/advanced level, I was anxious. Why?

Well, I wasnï¿½??t sure if I was ready. I wasnï¿½??t sure what the veteran guys would think of me, and if theyï¿½??d be willing to work with a guy with less experience than most in the class.

Luckily, my attitude has carried me a long way.

Not that I have an ego, but whatever little confidence I do have in myself and abilities, I made sure to check at the door before each class. I want to learn all that I can before my tournament, and as strange as it may sound, thereï¿½??s no better way to learn than by being dominated.

Sure, controlling an opponent and locking in that first submission is a euphoric feeling. I remember when I scored my first submission, I felt like I truly belonged in the class for the first time. But all that did was boost my self-confidence. Where I really started to learn in BJJ is when I was facing adversity.

So I made a point early on to keep my ears and eyes open, looking for every piece of advice I could get from anyone willing to disperse it. If I was caught in a submission (say, an armbar), Iï¿½??d ask my opponent what he saw me doing that allowed him to secure the move. Once I had that information, I made sure to remind myself not to make the same mistake again. If I was giving up position to my opponent, Iï¿½??d ask what I could do differently to either reverse the position, or improve my position.

When youï¿½??re looking for ways to improve your BJJ game, one of the best guys to roll with at Gumm MMA is Jim Campbell.
Campbell, 48, is a purple belt whoï¿½??s been training for just five-and-a-half years.

What makes Campbell such a great guy to work with is his willingness to teach and explain techniques to the fresher faces in the class.

The ever-humble Campbell says heï¿½??s ï¿½??not that goodï¿½?? but is very flattered when guys ask him for advice. He says he feels itï¿½??s part of his responsibility, as one of the longer-standing guys at Gumm MMA, to help out as many people as he can.

ï¿½??As long as guys have the right attitude, I have no problem giving advice,ï¿½?? Campbell said.
ï¿½??Everyone was in the same boat starting out. To make the newer guys better, you have to explain things to them so it becomes familiar to them.ï¿½??

Campbell, a Littleton resident, says he fell into the sport by chance.

Having never competed in any athletic event growing up, Campbell had always wondered what it would feel like to do so. After seeing his son, Adam, wrestle and play football for Columbine High School, the competitive fire in Campbell began to emerge.

He eventually enrolled in classes at Gumm MMA. Campbell said he ran a gamut of emotions upon first starting classes; he was scared and nervous, but also extremely motivated to compete.

The nervousness eventually gave way to the competitive fire, and Campbell did realize his dream of competing ï¿½?? twice.

ï¿½??It was so scary,ï¿½?? Campbell recalls of his competitions. ï¿½??I didnï¿½??t like the feeling but it was worth it to prove to myself that I could do it.ï¿½??

Campbell says he plans on competing again, but isnï¿½??t sure when.

One of the big points Campbell and others Iï¿½??ve talked with about competing have brought up is that I need to focus on my strengths.

Alicia Gumm, co-owner of Gumm MMA and wife of Brad Gumm, suggests to those looking to compete for the first time to make a list of what they feel comfortable doing, and work on those things leading up to the tournament.

Before her MMA debut, Gumm had three pages worth of notes, going over every aspect of what couldï¿½??ve happened in her fight against Michelle Waterson. Gumm won by decision.

With that in mind, I think Iï¿½??ve developed a good strategy for what I want to do when I get to the tournament.

I feel more comfortable in the top position, so Iï¿½??d like to score a takedown, and then work on passing my opponentï¿½??s guard. From there Iï¿½??ll look for submissions.

The one Iï¿½??m most comfortable with from the top is a kimura, which places pressure on the opponentï¿½??s shoulder.

I also want to ramp up my conditioning.

I feel like my strength levels are good, so Iï¿½??ve cut back on weight training to two days a week. I count the 90-minute BJJ classes as conditioning, since you are working anaerobically, especially the last 30 minutes, which is all grappling. I also do a conditioning circuit of various bodyweight exercises, sprints and barbell complexes (doing 5-7 movements without putting down the Olympic barbell) one or two times a week for 30 minutes, in addition to a 90-minute muay Thai kickboxing class on Saturday mornings.

Now that I have a good idea of what itï¿½??s like to compete and how to get ready, itï¿½??s time to get back to work.

Djwlfpack · August 1, 2008, 9:14am

Part III

Editorï¿½??s note: This is the third and final installment in a series that followed sports editor Dan Johnsonï¿½??s training for a submission grappling tournament, which he completed the first weekend of November.

The series not only chronicled Danï¿½??s training for the event, but also the reasons behind his wanting to compete, and his prior experiences in organized sports and other aspects of his life.

Iï¿½??m not one for clichÃ©s.

Wait, who am I kidding? Iï¿½??m a journalist. Most people in my profession use them frequently.

Me? While Iï¿½??ve succumbed to the temptation on more than one occasion, I tend to shy away from them whenever possible.

But, after completing my submission grappling tournament on Nov. 3, one clichÃ© repeatedly found its way into my head on my drive home to Littleton from the Douglas County Events Center.

ï¿½??Itï¿½??s not the destination, itï¿½??s the journey.ï¿½??

I donï¿½??t know why that phrase popped in my head, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

And yes, perhaps part of the reason the phrase entered my conscious and sub-conscious thoughts was that I lost my one and only match on the day (more on that in a bit).

But, I think the real reason the phrase came to me is because it does sum up my experience better than any other saying.

The goal from the beginning (three months ago) was to train as hard as possible to try and prepare myself for this submission grappling tournament; something I had no prior experience in. As a person still actively recovering from anxiety/panic attacks, I thought this would be a good way to push myself out of my comfort zone and overcome some lingering fears.

It worked.

I gained more confidence in myself as a result of my training at Gumm Mixed Martial Arts and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I became more out-going and found myself eager to socialize with strangers, something Iï¿½??ve been very hesitant to do since moving to Colorado in 2004.

Physically, I found that I could push myself past pain thresholds that I once thought impossible. I learned to train through injury and also came away with a better understanding of how to properly care for my body, in terms of nutrition and stretching/active recovery.

Growing up, I was always active in athletics. I played baseball, basketball and ran cross-country. I also played golf, tennis and football recreationally.

But, I never had that killer instinct, that ï¿½??Eye of the Tigerï¿½?? as Apollo Creed put it to Rocky Balboa. Sure, I competed and did enough to put forth a good showing, but I just never seemed to have that spark to go to the next level.

Looking back, I think it was because I put too much pressure on myself. I was so worried about making a mistake, and thus, losing my spot on the team, that I forgot all about why I got into playing sports in the first place ï¿½?? to have fun.

When I made the decision to compete after a 10-year hiatus from any form of competition, I made a vow to myself that Iï¿½??d only do it so long as I had fun, win or lose.

As I made my way into the Douglas County Events Center, I felt confident in my abilities. I didnï¿½??t know if Iï¿½??d win or not, but I knew that I wouldnï¿½??t embarrass myself, and that was my biggest fear going into the whole deal.

Shortly after arriving, along with my ever-supportive wife Lauren, I placed my duffel bag on an open spot of bleachers and headed over to the scales to weigh in. I was competing in the adult beginner (under a year of experience) 185-pounds-and-under weight class. At the beginning of the week I weighed 184 and after carefully watching my diet and doing some extra cardio, I was down to 182 by Friday evening. I wanted to be one of the biggest guys in my weight class and thought I had the number to be there.

Well, to quote Kramer from Seinfeld ï¿½??I was way off!ï¿½?? But, not off in a bad way. See, the scales at the event were 11 pounds light. I weighed in at 171 pounds. I was initially stunned, but that soon turned to anger after thinking about all the great meals I passed up in order to lose a couple of pounds that turned out not to matter.

After that ordeal, I changed into my Gi ï¿½?? a uniform of sorts made out of heavy cotton material worn by everyone in the tournament. Mine was an off-white color. Others had blue, black, brown or white. I began to warm-up first by stretching, then by doing some light calisthenics.

I still had a few minutes to spare before my division was set to begin, so I was able to take in some of the action going on around me. Brandon, a 14-year-old prodigy that attends Gumm MMA and is a student at Chatfield Senior High School, competed in and won his division. Another Gumm MMA student, Jim, who is from Evergreen, was competing in the level above me. He won his first two bouts before it was my turn to step onto the mats.

As I proceeded to check in, I began to size up the competition. Despite the scale fiasco, I was still one of the bigger guys in the 8-person division. I felt like I matched up well with anyone.

It didnï¿½??t take long to find out. I was selected to compete in the first bout. My heart began to beat a little faster in my chest, but I have to be honest, I was anxious. But, it wasnï¿½??t a nervous anxious if that makes any sense. What I was feeling was more of an adrenaline rush. I was ready to go.

My opponent, whose name was Jose, was a short, stocky fellow, who was a member of Fusen MMA, a school located in Aurora off of Colfax Ave. Come to find out later that Jose fibbed on his application and said he was a beginner, when in reality heï¿½??d been training Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu for close to two years. I didnï¿½??t find this little ditty out until later, so on with the match.

At the beginner level, competitors start out on the knees. This immediately favors defensive fighters, as itï¿½??s much harder to take someone down and gain good control from the knees than it is from the feet. Jose proved to be very defensive because after I shot in, he immediately fell on his back and pulled me into his guard ï¿½?? a position where the person on bottom wraps his legs around your waist.
Jose seemed content to keep that position, even though no points are awarded for keeping a guard. I was working hard trying to pass (clear his legs), but I just couldnï¿½??t seem to break his vice-grip.

After a minute or so, Jose went for a Gi choke, where you use your opponentï¿½??s collar as a weapon against them. The choke wasnï¿½??t close to being tight and I countered with a choke of my own. Videotape evidence would later indicate Jose appeared to tap from my choke, but the referee was out of position and I gave up the hold to try something else, as bouts were just three minutes long.

Near the end of the match, Jose went for a triangle submission (trap an arm and wrap both your legs around your opponentï¿½??s head. The person on top then basically chokes himself with his own arm), but I easily escaped and almost passed his guard in the process.

Seconds later the whistle blew and the match was over. No overtime periods were scheduled for the tournament. So, the referee had to make a judgment call on a 0-0 tie. Jose got the nod for the submission attempts.

I was frustrated (again) and confused. I thought I had done enough to earn the call in case of a tie. Itï¿½??s hard to accept defeat when in your heart of hearts you donï¿½??t feel as though you lost, or the scoreboard doesnï¿½??t reflect the fact you lost. But, as you hear many mixed martial artists say, ï¿½??donï¿½??t let the judges decide it.ï¿½?? Now, more than ever, I understand why.

Thankfully Joaquin Baca, a trainer at Gumm MMA, was at the tournament and boosted my spirits. He said he thought I did very well and that I had nothing to be disappointed about. I worked hard and couldï¿½??ve easily won the bout.

After the tournament I went out to lunch with a group of people who came to watch me compete and as I sat there enjoying my guilty-free meal, I asked myself ï¿½??Did I have fun today?ï¿½?? Despite all the craziness with the scales, my opponent lying about his experience and losing on a decision, I was able to answer, ï¿½??yes.ï¿½??

In the end, it wasnï¿½??t about winning or losing. It never was. It was about proving to myself that I have what it takes to push myself past limits I thought couldnï¿½??t be broken. To put myself out there in a vulnerable position and come away with a stronger sense of self.

But, it was my wife, Lauren, who provided the greatest insight of all several days following the tournament.

She pointed out the fact that two years ago at this time I was sitting in an emergency room going through my first panic attack.

To go from an E.R. to competing in a submission grappling tournament is something I never dreamed possible two years ago. Iï¿½??ve come so far since that panic attack and pushing myself to compete in this tournament is a big part of my personal growth.

Iï¿½??m so glad I did it and I know that Iï¿½??ll compete again.

Djwlfpack · August 1, 2008, 1:14am

Hope you enjoyed reading this. It certainly brought back memories for me.

OctoberGirl · August 1, 2008, 5:26am

great read and amazing progress

That was huge of you to share your experience with panic attacks.

Thanks so much

Vinlander · August 1, 2008, 6:21am

[quote]Djwlfpack wrote:
I wanted to share with you all a series I did for my newspaper last year.