I was going to pick pieces of this to comment on, but I think it’s just easier and less long winded to say I agree with 100% of what you said here.
I might not be so odd with my dim view on “bf and gf,” “dating,” and “relationships” and their link with infertility.
These women are right. Though no man is “stealing” fertile years.
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Wait…. I taught the womenz are “happier” being single, barren wombed misandrists??
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Ah… the Kryptonite of most modern women…talking accountability.
After one of these miserable unhinged rejects posts something like that I reply - Now do men.
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Fucking metal disorder. I don’t know how someone can have kids and say a thing like that.
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So I’m a mom with two sons. They are 15 and 18. I can say that raising my children has made me a different person than I was. My priorities have changed and so has my view of what happiness is. I can’t say that I feel like I’ve lost something, but I do remember times while I was a younger mother and wife that it felt like I wasn’t really a person myself anymore. I was a person in reference to other people. “Little Jonny’s mom. Bob’s wife” It can be extremely difficult to have your sense of self kind of disappear. I mean, I don’t even have my own name anymore. Soon my sons will be leaving the nest. So then who will I be? You spend 20 years raising these wonderful little humans and now they don’t need you anymore. I mean the last 18 years of my life has been my children, so who will I become when there is no one left to be a mother to? I don’t know. Do men experience this?
Side note: I have recently had the experience of realizing that sometimes I’m so wrapped up in my own brain that I don’t realize that my husband is suffering from some of the same shit that I do. Lately I’ve been bitching about how unfulfilling my work is. Constantly complaining about it. One day my husband was talking about having the same feelings for a long time. I felt like such an asshole because it never occurred to me that he would possibly be having those kind of feelings. He provides for his family. He takes good care of us. It never occurred to me that maybe he wanted a little more for himself than just being a provider. Maybe he feels like he has some potential that he didn’t reach? Maybe that’s something similar?
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Have you seen the money and time some people spend on “raising” kids? That is, keeping them entertained and engaged 24/7.
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Highly disturbing. There are even women in these whacky articles quoted for their relief in their husbands’ deaths.
This is confusing, in the same way feminists who complain about toxic masculinity and then get on the backs of Harleys or read sexual fiction about psycho men are confusing. In the 70s and 80s, some women who lived in the most egalitarian countries in the world, Scandinavian countries, Germany, Britain, and the US, went to Southern Europe and the Caribbean for tizzy tours with uninhibited tough men who probably didn’t know what feminism was.
That’s up to you, right? I mean, within your capabilities, you can be whoever you want. Isn’t that great?
People who care for their children and family members lose some of their freedom. I think family bonds are extremely important, but I do not look forward to every family event and I sometimes resent the amount of hours dedicated to festivities hosted by my in-laws who are extremely festive people. They are very loving and generous people who bend over backwards for all of us, but the celebrations sometimes get excessive. But I attend most events because strong bonds are important for my children and I do not want them growing up in the sort of dictatorial, sterile, and cold environment I did. So I, like others give up time I want to use for something else, probably something less important but more enjoyable for me. I do set limits on some occasions.
Millions of people, men and women, work jobs they hate to support their families.
In some cases this is true. People forgo fulfilling potential in endeavors and give up some of their identities because of obligations to families.
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I do. There was a vision of who I wanted to be that won’t happen - because I chose marrage and fatherhood. And while it is an incredibly joyful and enriching experience, part of me feels forlorn about a loss. When my kids leave, I can’t jump back into that person again.
You won’t be THE badass, but you can be A badass.
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I like you, but I don’t like this answer.
Self involved bullshit artists
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Huh? Lol. I mean, isn’t it good someone can partake in personal pursuits with more free time, maybe even a remake of oneself for a different phase of life? Like my mom is far more into fitness in retirement, travels a lot, and got into religious events at the synagogue near her home.
Like for me, when I’m retired I plan on continuing exercising, maybe trying other physical activities, reading all sorts of books, traveling, attending workshops. I also seriously want to learn Spanish in retirement. My mom and her whole family speak it and she abruptly stopped taking to me in it when I was four. I’d also want to do some volunteer stuff to help young people out.
Perhaps I should clarify. My husband and sons are the joy in my life. I have no regrets about the choices I made, the time I have spent with my family or the person I gave up to become the person I am. It was quite an upgrade to be honest. I take quite a bit of pride in being a loving and supportive mom, an extremely active participant in the lives of my children and in being what I believe to have been a good wife to my husband.
I never said I hated my job. Nor did I say my husband did. I said that I sometimes feel unfulfilled and perhaps we look back and see missed potential. Perhaps different choices would have made it easier for us to support our family or to support them with more fulfillment. That is something I want my children to have moving forward. Self reflection on missed opportunities help us to better guide our children away from the same mistakes.
True. That doesn’t mean that they don’t ever wonder “what if”. And wondering doesn’t mean you hate your life or regret it. As a matter of fact, most of the affirmations that I have come to about my life choices started as a “what if”.
Of course it is. But you know how some people work long after they could retire because so much of their identity is wrapped up in their jobs? That’s how I feel about being a mom. That’s what I am. That’s what I do. I could give fuck all about the job I’m paid to do. It is a means to an end. It allows me to give my children what they need and quite a bit more. If the day comes that I can retire from my job I will walk away without a second thought. But the day that my children move out and start their lives separately from me? I will celebrate it as a victory that I have done my job well and mourn the loss of the most fulfilling work of my life. And hopefully after, my husband and I will continue the work of having a fulfilling marriage. Maybe I will even be blessed with the gift of being a grandmother.
You keep finding these articles that show what is most likely a small percentage of women and then comment like this is the new normal for women. Of the women I know (and I know quite a few) I can name ONE who doesn’t want children. And her husband doesn’t want them either. That is a decision they BOTH made. I know far more men who have never married than I do women. And I know far more men who don’t want to be married than I do women. I’m sure if I dove deep enough I could make the argument that the incel movement is becoming the norm amongst men and that women need to start carrying their rape whistles everywhere they go.
Most of the women I know are very content in their lives, including myself. My point was that it’s not unusual to occasionally feel a sense of losing one’s self when you become a spouse and parent.
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Good. I didn’t think otherwise and have thought you are a dedicated and loving mother and wife. I’m unsure if I came across like I didn’t think that, but if I did, I apologize.
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That’s part of the plan. 
Yes! I agree.
Exactly. Both can be true at the same time!
Since this is a fitness forum, i wonder if a similar mindset is something that prevents people from being consistent or making lifestyle changes.
for example, I can’t just enjoy indulgence without thinking about the consequences. I don’t necessarily feel guilty or not indulge, but it’s always at the back of my mind.
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Personally, I always have a nagging, gnawing feeling of something missing. Something I can’t quite put my finger on that I should be doing or working towards but I’m failing. This probably stems from my faith and also being a history nerd.
My kids are absolutely my greatest achievement. I’m not the man I was before, but I’ve never considered it a loss. If anything growth.
This is a great point. I’ve had business trips where going into it a weekend alone sounds amazing, then the whole time I’m just missing the kids and can’t enjoy anything.
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I have this too. I have found it is more pronounced when I’ve completed something. Like when I finished college. I felt like there was something I should be doing. Or when I’m just sort of existing in my own life. I think that’s one of the things that lifting helps me with. There is a goal. I’m working towards something. It’s not exactly a grand purpose, but it gives me something personal to move toward.
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The person I was wasn’t fit for child rearing or long term relationships and had to go.
I waited till 10 years sober to become the person that was, to ensure I would be there in what ever capacity required by my wife & son.
I look at the whole process as growing and gaining.
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