I have to say no, cuz thats a different category all together. Thats guy/buddy time.
But it does bring up a different test of sorts. Once, probably fine. Twice, a couple of guys are going to drop hints- like “man, she has you wrapped around her finger” or " You better get in there so she can change your diaper." And of course “Whhhap-psshh!” .
Further repeated interruption results in the conclusion that “dude is whipped” “She wears the pants (or permutations of)” and "that dude is lame " (out, aht, beat, etc. interchangeably)
Then they have to either go somewhere else that is cool, or “put up with his nagging old lady”.
I had to draw a clear line with the wife on this several times. Lifting- dont call. Work- don’t call. Fixing stuff/welding at my tree buddys- don’t call, and don’t ask how long. I’m busy and making money, leave me alone. I’ll call when I leave to see if we need stuff from the store.
Fire in the back yard- join, but only for smores or coffee. Unless we have people over, in which case its open for any and all. But if we’re discussing serious guy stuff, its a no go.
I’ve noticed that this doesn’t really happen with us anymore. When we were younger it did for sure. But now it’s more of a “those who smoke things” and “those who don’t” situation. At least at parties. It is not gender specific. My husband usually hangs out in the house with the non smoking people. Also I guess we really just hang out with each other mostly now. Maybe it’s because we are old? Antisocial? I don’t know. Maybe we just like each other more than we like other people. But I will say, if my husband is hanging with guys I’m cool to be left alone. Lol. They talk about shit that I don’t care about. And I’m good to keep my time with my friends to myself. He couldn’t care less about the things we talk about.
You know they are. Especially when they’re delivered as a sideline jab but leave enough room to back pedal and gaslight. Usually this happens in discussions where women feel like they are “losing”. Sometimes it’s just an exercise in “whataboutism”, but always a divergence. It’s almost like it’s own…. shit test. Checking response. But this time the manipulation is topic divergence.
That’s pretty cool about the northeast though. I’m glad your town has engineers and a hospital. Not really as regionally unique as framed but still happy to hear it.
I could see why my statement led there. I appreciate this thread and sitting back to read through. The thing I was trying to hit at with my original post is the amount of thought that has gone into ‘testing’ someone. That’s just what it was when I was in MS, HS and early in college. The ‘hey, I’m thinking about going out with guys on friday’ to see how she responds or, as already mentioned in this thread, ‘do you even love me?’. Philosophizing this into character traits, etc. is wild to me. I suppose, one thing I miss about younger life is that things could just exist. They didn’t have to be overly thought and rationalized. Maybe that always existed and I was just sheltered. Imo, some things should just be and not turned into a complex thought process with hidden meanings and genetic tendencies.
My wife does a lot of the things said in this thread, ‘do you love me’, ‘you wouldn’t even know if I was lying dead on the floor (in response to me taking an hour to respond to a text), etc. She thinks she’s being cute. I find it annoying, as I’ll respond the moment I see something and not pre-occupied. If I’m pre-occupied, it’s usually something stressful at work or I’m training BJJ or in gym. I find it really had to respond to ‘tell me something good’, when I just got done saying ‘fuck you’ to someone (not literally, but sometimes literally . I’m back to working as a developer, so it’s part of industry).
If I thought this way every time my husband didn’t respond to me I would go crazy. Lol. To be fair, I don’t always respond in a timely fashion either.
I’ve had this from men in the past. Insecurity isn’t a female trait. It’s a human one.
Trying to trick someone into showing you who they are is pointless. It shows who you are in that particular moment. It takes time to see recurring trends and character traits in people.
I don’t get the first line. Are you alone, and she can only come out for coffee or smores? Or is this guy time?
I’m more talking about the guys who hang out in the garage all the time. Not so much the inside/outside groups at parties. Guys who pretty much live out there, while kids and wife inhabit the house. In my current life Chip is the only one I can think of who does it. He has a full sized beer fridge, and just spends his non-television leisure time out there. I knew guys like that when I was young, too, and have worked with kids for whom that was the home dynamic. Maybe it’s an alcoholic thing? I don’t know, but it would never work for me.
Husband does guy things and I do stuff with women that he’s not invited to, but those are the exception, not the rule. We’re definitely each other’s best buddy, and are usually together during leisure time. Enough so that I’ve had to request alone time. He’s able to get plenty of solitude, whereas my job is exceptionally social.
Perhaps I dont attract women that do this, or perhaps the way I attracted them was in some way that made it so they didnt need to do these tests to know whatever they find out by doing them, but I cant say I have ever experienced these tests personally, but I do think they are a know thing, especially in younger relationship
I think this would be one of the quintessential “playing games” type things often found in the sub-25 age group. Something like having someone flirt with you to see what you would do, or the “I just wanted to see what you would say” type stuff.
I think a lot of it springs from the way people meet at that age. You get those infatuation feelings for someone you dont really know, so you feel like you have to get to know them by crafting scenarios to see how they handle it. Some guy you meet doing an activity or whatever passes the vibe check and gives you butterflies, but you dont really know him as a man/person and what hes capable of
To get all evo-devo, women are probably testing to see what kind of man they are potentially mating with (is he reliable? Will he cheat on me? Can he protect the family?) and guys probably test to see what they can get away with (the ones who are looking to get away with things, anyway).
That would be more like guy time, but with snacks.
Actually, me & tree buddy do that. But its also very functional. In fact, the garage is probably the most expensive room of the whole house. So it is a bit of an escape, but also a necessity. Lots of trucks and equipment and passers through, and definitely the fridge. Stocked differently, but similar function. So, at least with our situation, its dual purpose.
One possibility is that a lot of guys need to have something going on the side, even if its not going anywhere (metaphorically). The car they’re working on is a good one, or a wood shop. A side business of some sort. That is the guise. The function is to have a domain.and capability. A space for tools of various types, the capability to fix or build things.
Its interesting. A bunch of us were hanging out in garage types in our late teens too. My (we’ll call him car buddy) car buddy’s garage was the place. Beers were definitely drank, weed was smoked, but he also built one of the most bad ass street legal (barely) cars I’ve ever seen. An 800 hp. absolute monster that he also drag raced. And eventually started his own drag car/speed shop from, which is still fully operational.
So its like an every-mans Valhalla. Slaying dragons, winning battles and whatnot. A micro-kingdom.
That may play some part, or be adjacent to it, but not necessarily.
Its an escape coupled with a function.
I think this is solid. It’s a younger person thing. Just learning about relationships without the experience to know or the confidence to just ask. Maybe this is why I’m having trouble with the concept. I’m old and have been married too long. Lol
Completely agree here. I completely botched my first real relationship. Something I regret. Even had it not worked out for other reasons, I could have been better.
That very well could be.
Now that I’m involved in this ‘shit testing’ theorizing. It seems like an overall fine way to determine characteristics that are of importance to one. Especially as someone else noted, with finding out how prospective mates handle situations. I’m open to hearing that women primarily use this. Alternatively, men seem to ‘just do things’ and see what is acceptable vs. is questioned. In other words, just going camping for a weekend not communicating it or much at all and then seeing how or if the other addresses it (something I used to do). Both are fine.. until they become manipulative.. OR, imho, annoying. (I find it very annoying, my S/O finds it cute. Some days I entertain it, other days I want no part in it. If I felt it was manipulative, I wouldn’t have made it 15 years.)
I didn’t know my story about a shit test would spark such intense discussion or the seriousness of some of the tests themselves.
I recall only experiencing a grand total of two from two women. I think, as I said, in the case of my wife a long time ago, she wanted to see if I would take over in making plans sometimes (even though she was infinity planning by her own volition for friends and places she was interested in). In the other case, I cannot recall the details, but I remember her trying to hold her laugh in through the phone after me getting temperamental. Lol.
But I will say, if my husband is hanging with guys I’m cool to be left alone. Lol. They talk about shit that I don’t care about. And I’m good to keep my time with my friends to myself. He couldn’t care less about the things we talk about.
. I’m back to working as a developer, so it’s part of industry).
