“Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!”
“Hey, I guess they’re right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose.”
“Yeah, I called her up. She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her enough or something. I don’t know I wasn’t really paying attention.”
“We got no food, we got no jobs, our pets heads are fallin’ off!”
Lloyd: “I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.”
Harry: “I was thinking the same thing.”
Lloyd: “That John Denver is full of shit, man.”
Shooter: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter: NO!
Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we’re extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Old Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: What’s that?
Old Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back’s gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else’s fingers hurt? …I didn’t think so.
Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep.
Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up! Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. You’re in my world now, grandma.
“But what if the Guarantee Fairy’s a crazy glue sniffer? Next thing you know there’s change missing from your dresser and your daughter’s knocked up. I’ve seen it a hundred times.”
Tommy: Did you hear I graduated?
Richard: Yeah and just a shade under a decade. All right.
Tommy: A lot of people go to college for seven years.
Richard: Yeah, they’re called doctors.
“You can take a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a bull’s ass, but wouldn’t you rather take the butcher’s word for it?”
“You kids better pray to the god of skinny punks this wind doesn’t pick up, cuz if it does I’m gonna sail over there and shove an oar up your ass.”
Steve: Ro-ads. Ro-ods.
Mike: Quiet back there! I’ve taken enough guff from you for one day!
[Turns to state trooper]
Mike: Raving psycho! Butchered 400 chickens and screwed a beagel. I’m taking him back to Nevada where he’s wanted for banging horses!