May Have a Kid Out There

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101

[quote]TooHuman wrote:

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]fraggle wrote:

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]TooHuman wrote:
because it will be far worse if the child discovers this on her own in the future.[/quote]

No way. The older she is when she finds out the easier it will be to handle. [/quote]

Yeah I have to agree. It really sucks for the dad, as I would absolutely want to know if it was me. I would still be the kids dad but I sure as hell would drop the whore wife. But, kids welfare comes first[/quote]

Depends.

If I knew she had a fling when we were separated… Who am I to judge? We were separated. As long as she wasn’t fucking other people when we were agreed to be exclusive, I can’t call her a whore in any way.

That said, I’d rather not know until the kid was older. If that makes me a “beta” I dont’ give a shit. As long as she isn’t banging other people NOW, I’d rather blissful ignorance so I can enjoy my family. Fuck my whole life up when she is in college, not grade school. [/quote]

Of course you can call her a whore. She had a child outside of a stable household relationship. Responsible adults don’t have kids they can’t fucking support.
Further, all that waiting till she’s 18 will do is give the mother a chance to brainwash her daughter she wasn’t an irresponsible whore that manipulated/deceived her father(the fact that he’s not the biological father is irrelevant) into a dysfunctional(YES ALL marriages based on deception/manipulation are dysfunctional) marriage). Telling her now will allow her to confront her mother and come to terms with the terrible reality that she’s NOT a good person and embrace the incredible empathy being shown by her father.
The guys on this thread and the OP showing concern for the girl are far more empathetic than her own damn mother who is putting her own selfishness first by continuing to deceive her daughter. She should reveal the truth, take the shitstorm of JUSTIFIED anger from her daughter and husband, and work towards their forgiveness as hard as she possibly can.

Having a child is THE MOST important decision you can make in your life and this bullshit about just letting people(read: single mothers) off the hook from making terrible decisions is a fucking cancer on society.[/quote]

Jesus. Do you know any people?

This woman asked nothing of the biological father, whom she rightly pegged as a player and not a long term kinda guy. She reunified with her husband and they had the child. They are happy. This is all we know. I can envision a scenario where all concerned but Ruff have known all along, but she does not want the disruption her one-time casual lover would cause if he showed up with expectations and/or guilt and/or potential claims on her daughter.

In which case she has done the right thing and so has her husband.

102

[quote]Doval wrote:

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]Edgy wrote:
my older brother married a chick with a 2 YO boy, then got married a year later. Boy’s dad was a deadbeat, so brother adopted the boy, and had another boy with this chick.

then they tell the boy that my brother is his father (hope he never checks the wedding photos), and everyone in the family backs my brother and his wife on this.

now, boy is 19, in college, and still thinks that my brother is his father.

I think that’s way wrong - at some point, they are going to have to come clean, and tell this boy that they have been lying to him all his life.

right?[/quote]
Meh, same thing happened to me. I found out when I was 18 that my dad is not my biological, I could give two shits. My dad raised me, and put up with my shit, who cares about the guy who donated sperm. [/quote]

What if the guy who donated sperm didn’t know he donated sperm? I’d be pretty devastated if a 19-20 year old one day showed up at my door with proof he/she was my biological child and realize that I had missed out on her growing up or being there for her.

I quite frankly don’t know if I wouldn’t end up in jail for seriously hurting the woman who’d deny me the option of being in my child’s life.

[/quote]
^ There is the rub, BUT in my case my sperm donor jumped off a bridge and killed himself when I was 4. I had no desire to know his family.

But I do see your point, as a father however if someone showed up on my door step I would not pine and dwell on “what I missed”. I would just get to know that person and enjoy the time I have now.

103

[quote]Derek542 wrote:
as a father however if someone showed up on my door step I would not pine and dwell on “what I missed”. I would just get to know that person and enjoy the time I have now.
[/quote]

This, 100% this.

I don’t know if it is getting older or being a dad, but this is what it becomes. The desire to “hurt” the mother or destroy someone else in anger just isn’t there.

Adapt to the situation and move forward.

104

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]Derek542 wrote:
as a father however if someone showed up on my door step I would not pine and dwell on “what I missed”. I would just get to know that person and enjoy the time I have now.
[/quote]

This, 100% this.

I don’t know if it is getting older or being a dad, but this is what it becomes. The desire to “hurt” the mother or destroy someone else in anger just isn’t there.

Adapt to the situation and move forward. [/quote]
Its getting older Beans. You stop sweating the little things and you realize you cant live in the past.

That is for when you are in the nursing home shitting yourself.

105

Well, I have attempted to do a little diligence. I called her after digging the phone number out of an old phone.

No answer. Then I sent a text to the effect of “This is Dave, your old neighbor on ___. Hope this is still your number. My wife and I would love to take you and your husband out to dinner at XYC next time we are in town. Our kids could play. Thanks.”

Theory behind same was to make it innocuous enough to be discovered and also non-threatening in any way.

No response. Not even sure she has the same cell number, although the text went through.

So we did the most mature thing and Facebook stalked her on my wife’s account. Mrs. TTR now calls the child “Mary Snow” or “your bastard” after a couple glasses of wine and agrees there is little doubt about paternity.

Appears to be the only child in the marriage, or she declines to take pictures of other kids. Presumed husband is, indeed, a white guy.

Made no attempt to contact via FB.

Not going to do anything further unless contacted.

106

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
the biological father, whom she rightly pegged as a player and not a long term kinda guy.
[/quote]

Hey! I’m right here, you know.

[quote]

one-time casual lover [/quote]

Way more than once, thank you.

107

[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:

I think she meant “one-time casual lover” as in “former casual lover” not “you-only-did-it-once.”

108

[quote]ActivitiesGuy wrote:

[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:

I think she meant “one-time casual lover” as in “former casual lover” not “you-only-did-it-once.”[/quote]

Oh, I was just trying to make light.

Although I was never a “player.” That implies some sort of gaming-of-women, where the guy makes promises he does not intend to keep.

I just got along with her; we found each other sexually attractive. So we would have sex.

109

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]Derek542 wrote:
as a father however if someone showed up on my door step I would not pine and dwell on “what I missed”. I would just get to know that person and enjoy the time I have now.
[/quote]

This, 100% this.

I don’t know if it is getting older or being a dad, but this is what it becomes. The desire to “hurt” the mother or destroy someone else in anger just isn’t there.

Adapt to the situation and move forward. [/quote]
Its getting older Beans. You stop sweating the little things and you realize you cant live in the past.

That is for when you are in the nursing home shitting yourself. [/quote]

My cousin’s husband is actually living this scenario. Happily rocking along with his family, 13 yr old son and twin daughters when he gets a call from a hs girlfriend who informs him that her 23 yr old son wants to meet him. After a little discussion, girl moved away when they were both 16, pregnant, never tells the kid who the dad is until the guy starts doing his own research. Few paternity tests later, he has another kid. The guy really needed to know as both my cousin’s husband and his father had heart attacks at 27 so there was some definite medical history that needed to be shared.

110

[quote]jbpick86 wrote:

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]Derek542 wrote:
as a father however if someone showed up on my door step I would not pine and dwell on “what I missed”. I would just get to know that person and enjoy the time I have now.
[/quote]

This, 100% this.

I don’t know if it is getting older or being a dad, but this is what it becomes. The desire to “hurt” the mother or destroy someone else in anger just isn’t there.

Adapt to the situation and move forward. [/quote]
Its getting older Beans. You stop sweating the little things and you realize you cant live in the past.

That is for when you are in the nursing home shitting yourself. [/quote]

My cousin’s husband is actually living this scenario. Happily rocking along with his family, 13 yr old son and twin daughters when he gets a call from a hs girlfriend who informs him that her 23 yr old son wants to meet him. After a little discussion, girl moved away when they were both 16, pregnant, never tells the kid who the dad is until the guy starts doing his own research. Few paternity tests later, he has another kid. The guy really needed to know as both my cousin’s husband and his father had heart attacks at 27 so there was some definite medical history that needed to be shared.
[/quote]
Believe it or not, BIG reason I work my ass off at 41 is because I do not know my paternal medical history.

111

[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:

[quote]ActivitiesGuy wrote:

[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:

I think she meant “one-time casual lover” as in “former casual lover” not “you-only-did-it-once.”[/quote]

Oh, I was just trying to make light.

Although I was never a “player.” That implies some sort of gaming-of-women, where the guy makes promises he does not intend to keep.

I just got along with her; we found each other sexually attractive. So we would have sex.
[/quote]

I didn’t mean it as a negative judgment of you but rather as a defense of her (speculated) decision-making and behavior. I think of a player as someone who plays the field and not necessarily a PUA or whatever, though they certainly can be. Simply a non-serious sexual or romantic partner.