[quote]TooHuman wrote:
You should find out if the father knows that it’s not his child. If he is being deceived, it’s your moral responsibility to end the deception, because it will be far worse if the child discovers this on her own in the future.[/quote]
I disagree completely.
[quote]countingbeans wrote:
[quote]on edge wrote:
and periodically have a PI covertly check in on the mother to determine her marriage status.
[/quote]
This is maximum creepy. But the rest of your post is solid.
Nothing an email won’t cover that makes a PI necessary. [/quote]
If mom is ok with staying in email contact then terrific. If she isn’t okay with that, if I’m the father, I’m going to keep tabs in one way or another, creepy or not. My approach would be to make sure I did no harm but was there for the girl if ever needed or wanted.
[quote]countingbeans wrote:
But irrelevant, I couldn’t get mad at her for having a fling while we were officially separated. [/quote]
I actually disagree. Still married, still cheating, if you want to have a fling get a divorce. you in the general sense
[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
[quote]countingbeans wrote:
But irrelevant, I couldn’t get mad at her for having a fling while we were officially separated. [/quote]
I agree if this is in fact the case and she told me pre-birth it might not be mine.
Honestly, this guy sounds like kind of an idiot if he didn’t put two and two together. Unless she got pregnant and got back together with him the next day, like literally the next day. [/quote]
Stranger things have happened.
Heck, stranger things have happened to Ruff!
[quote]countingbeans wrote:
[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
[quote]countingbeans wrote:
[quote]fraggle wrote:
[quote]countingbeans wrote:
[quote]TooHuman wrote:
because it will be far worse if the child discovers this on her own in the future.[/quote]
No way. The older she is when she finds out the easier it will be to handle. [/quote]
Yeah I have to agree. It really sucks for the dad, as I would absolutely want to know if it was me. I would still be the kids dad but I sure as hell would drop the whore wife. But, kids welfare comes first[/quote]
Depends.
If I knew she had a fling when we were separated… Who am I to judge? We were separated. As long as she wasn’t fucking other people when we were agreed to be exclusive, I can’t call her a whore in any way.
That said, I’d rather not know until the kid was older. If that makes me a “beta” I dont’ give a shit. As long as she isn’t banging other people NOW, I’d rather blissful ignorance so I can enjoy my family. Fuck my whole life up when she is in college, not grade school. [/quote]
Maybe whore isn’t the right word assuming what you wrote is how it went down. I couldn’t see myself being married to someone that has basically lied to me for 10 years.
Definitely agree though that at this point you wait until the kid’s an adult and preferably out of the house. [/quote]
As someone who knows who the father of their kids is, it is really, really easy for me to sit here and speculate how I feel and how I’d want it to go down.
I just want to be clear here. Things might be different if I was actually in the situation.
But irrelevant, I couldn’t get mad at her for having a fling while we were officially separated. [/quote]
My assumption was that there was no separation, so I used whore. I agree if it was during a separation that would not be the right word.
However, I can’t think of a more unforgivable lie that your wife could tell you. I am pretty confident my rage would be the same whether we were on a break or not.
[quote]on edge wrote:
[quote]countingbeans wrote:
[quote]on edge wrote:
and periodically have a PI covertly check in on the mother to determine her marriage status.
[/quote]
This is maximum creepy. But the rest of your post is solid.
Nothing an email won’t cover that makes a PI necessary. [/quote]
If mom is ok with staying in email contact then terrific. If she isn’t okay with that, if I’m the father, I’m going to keep tabs in one way or another, creepy or not. My approach would be to make sure I did no harm but was there for the girl if ever needed or wanted.
[/quote]
I mean, fair enough but creeping facebook might be a better option lol.
[quote]fraggle wrote:
However, I can’t think of a more unforgivable lie that your wife could tell you. I am pretty confident my rage would be the same whether we were on a break or not.
[/quote]
True… All the more reason not to know until after the kid is grown, lol.
[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:
[quote]fraggle wrote:
Of course, messing with that now could go a number of directions depending on custody and who actually ended up influencing her upbringing. Its an unfortunate situation with the right answer only knowable in hindsight.[/quote]
Lawyer said I have basically 0% chance of even obtaining visitation, in that the child was born into a marriage and the father accepted parentage. Also, I was not involved for a decade.
The word was “no standing under SAPSIR or something.” Perhaps one of the lawyers could explain. Said both I and the husband are fucked.[/quote]
Yeah, definitely no point then, as at best the kid would split time with the dad and her mom.
Anyone else notice anything with posts showing up where they didn’t exist before? I swear the last time I reloaded this page ruffians reply didn’t exist, along with a few others.
[quote]countingbeans wrote:
[quote]fraggle wrote:
However, I can’t think of a more unforgivable lie that your wife could tell you. I am pretty confident my rage would be the same whether we were on a break or not.
[/quote]
True… All the more reason not to know until after the kid is grown, lol. [/quote]
I imagine the husband knows. My guess is that the family wants to wait to tell the daughter until she is older. A good time to have this discussion would be when the girl notices that she is the only brown person in the immediate family.
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I think, having gone through what you did once before posting on TN, you’re making a mistake posting this. [/quote]
Not getting involved.
[quote]aeyogi wrote:
[quote]countingbeans wrote:
[quote]fraggle wrote:
However, I can’t think of a more unforgivable lie that your wife could tell you. I am pretty confident my rage would be the same whether we were on a break or not.
[/quote]
True… All the more reason not to know until after the kid is grown, lol. [/quote]
I imagine the husband knows. My guess is that the family wants to wait to tell the daughter until she is older. A good time to have this discussion would be when the girl notices that she is the only brown person in the immediate family.[/quote]
Based on the wife telling Ruffian something like yes and don’t screw this up, I assume he doesn’t.
[quote]1 Man Island wrote:
Send em a christmas card as an old neighbor so they have some means of contacting you in the future, if they choose.[/quote]
Yeah, maybe one with those family pictures on it.
"Man, the father says. That guy sure looks like . . . "
[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:
[quote]fraggle wrote:
Of course, messing with that now could go a number of directions depending on custody and who actually ended up influencing her upbringing. Its an unfortunate situation with the right answer only knowable in hindsight.[/quote]
Lawyer said I have basically 0% chance of even obtaining visitation, in that the child was born into a marriage and the father accepted parentage. Also, I was not involved for a decade.
The word was “no standing under SAPSIR or something.” Perhaps one of the lawyers could explain. Said both I and the husband are fucked.[/quote]
SAPCR. Suit Affecting Parent-Child Relationship.
[quote]Jewbacca wrote:
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
I think, having gone through what you did once before posting on TN, you’re making a mistake posting this. [/quote]
Not getting involved.[/quote]
Killjoy!
[quote]Defekt wrote:
I would say send the chick a check, [/quote]
Why send her any money? If anything, set up a trust fund for the kid and name the father the trustee.
One random thing about not revealing the (apparent) true parentage is the girl is a legitimate 1/4 (or maybe 1/2, not sure how that works) Native American, and presumably entitled to be enrolled into the tribe.
I know there are some reasonable financial benefits related to that, and it’s basically a shoe-in in most universities due to Affirmative Action to be an actual enrolled member of a tribe.
(The only reason I thought of that is I know TTR’s wife is Jewish and pondered how Affirmative Action would work in that regard, since Jewish people (and Asians) typically have to score higher than whites on various tests/GPA in order to get into schools. Does it cancel out?)
[quote]on edge wrote:
[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
[quote]countingbeans wrote:
But irrelevant, I couldn’t get mad at her for having a fling while we were officially separated. [/quote]
I agree if this is in fact the case and she told me pre-birth it might not be mine.
Honestly, this guy sounds like kind of an idiot if he didn’t put two and two together. Unless she got pregnant and got back together with him the next day, like literally the next day. [/quote]
Stranger things have happened.
Heck, stranger things have happened to Ruff![/quote]
This - it’s almost like Varqie is researching a book or something…
Just introduce your self if she gets famous…jk might wanna get dna done b4 u shit yur pants… women lie all the time
If her parents are both Anglo, I’m going to assume her dad knows there was an affair while they were separated and accepted her when they reconciled.
She may be too young to have asked questions, but if she looks Native American or Hispanic, she’s eventually going to ask. Maybe in her teens, but it will happen.
You need to talk to your wife about what to do if she someday:
Needs your bone marrow to cure her leukemia.
Wants to know her biological father, extended family.
Wants to recognize her heritage as Native American.
Is suddenly orphaned in a car crash, or had an unfit home life.
Needs financial or other help from you.
Then, if possible you could arrange to have coffee with her biological mother and at least exchange contact information so you’d be updated if any of the above happened. And so you aren’t guessing about who knows what here. This at least requires a conversation, IMO.
Just a thought - My son has a couple of friends who are mixed race (White/African American). They were raised in a very White/ Asian area of Southern California. It was not a big deal to be brown when they were little, but they have both become very interested in connecting with their African American culture as they became older teens and college students. The world reacts to them as a minority, an interest in dating people who can relate or who look like them …
About your tribe - Another friend of my son’s has an Anglo mom but her dad is half Navajo/ half San Carlos Apache. The Navajo tribe WILL recognize her, but the San Carlos Apache tribe WILL NOT, which hurt her feelings because she grew up near that reservation and has mostly Apache friends.
Best of luck, Ruf.
[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:
I’m Mescalero Apache, born on the Rez.
Mom is petite blond, blue-eyed, Anglo, and the carpet matches the drapes.[/quote]
Hilarious.
