[quote]
CaliforniaLaw wrote:
Only marry if your spouse outearns you. Period.
jp_dubya wrote:
that advice is gold. pure gold[/quote]
Unfortunately, the logical implications of everyone following that advice are quite bleak.
[quote]jp_dubya wrote:
CaliforniaLaw wrote:
Only marry if your spouse outearns you. Period.
that advice is gold. pure gold[/quote]
What if everyone in the world were to follow this principle?
DB
Don’t plan. Don’t identify your ideal spouse in advance (You’re in for a surprise!). Don’t hurry.
I got married at 32. We’ve been married now for 19 years and I have no wish for a change. Life is good.
Some random hints to nudge you youngsters. The person you have to know first is not your prospective spouse, but yourself.
I would not recommend marriage before your late twenties. Before then, live together. Kids should be a choice, not a reason for marriage.
If you wouldn’t have married before your gf got pregnant, you probably shouldn’t do it after either (but take your f-n responsibility and be a real father).
Nature is great! Older women gets hotter as you get older yourself. No need to panic.
Good rule of thumb: First consider the ones you would like to go to bed with, then narrow it down to the one you want to wake up with. (saves a lot of scurrying out before dawn.)
Good rule of thumb 2: If you consider yourself “Alpha Male”, you’re probably not.
You could always do as my brother and sister-in-law did and bring your son to the wedding:-)
TQB
[quote]pushharder wrote:
Jinx Me wrote:
Good call man, don’t rush in too young just because all your friends are getting hitched.
Yes, that is the wrong reason to get married.
You’re still figuring out what kind of woman will make you happy for the rest of your life, and whether the two of you will continue to grow and change together, in a similar direction.
Too much “figuring” never did anybody any good. It’s not the “figuring out what kind of woman will make you happy for the rest of your life” that insures success, it’s how hard you work at it once you’re in it.
When people get married too young, things are often great for awhile, but they’re not finished learning what works for them, and they’re not finished growing - they end up changing and growing further apart.
I disagree. I could make the point that marrying young has its advantages and those outweigh the disadvantages. When you marry young you finish growing up together. You adapt to each other. You finish “learning what works” TOGETHER. You don’t necessarily change and grow further apart just because you married young. (I’m not talking about marrying when you’re 15 here, folks)
I’ll bet there are just as many splits from people that waited til they’re say 30 - 35 to marry as there are those that so called “rushed in” at 20 - 25.
In fact, the argument could be made that the longer you wait the more set-in-your-ways you become and therefore less readily adaptable to your new mate.
For the record I had just turned 23 and my wife had just turned 19 when we wed. That was over 23 years ago.
[/quote]
good points Pushharder (in my previous post I do touch upon the problem of becoming more set in our ways as we age). All I know is that the men I was dating in my early twenties were bright, intelligent people, but those relationships ended, even though I thought a few might last. Why? Because for one thing, not enough in common. Also, I came to realize that a relationship requires hard work, but if you’re putting in more than you’re getting out, and it’s draining you and not feeding you, what the hell’s the point??? I don’t think it’s a worthy investment at that point.
Every relationship requires work. But too many people work their butts off just to tolerate each other or justify being abused, because they’re terrified to be single and lose the ‘investment’ they made in the relationship. Looking back, I now see that some of the men I chose were not good for me. Some people might call that selfish. I think it has more to do with self-respect.
Maybe it’s not true for everyone, but for me it definitely took some trial and error to learn what’s really important in a partner, to make me happy and to make me happy to work and invest in the relationship (because it’s making me stronger, not weaker).
And as much as I understand that some people expect perfection with no effort, that doesn’t mean we should just selflessly give ourselves over to someone who’s not worth it. One of my exes, when I tried to address some unhealthy patterns, basically told me that if I was a good girlfriend I should accept that the relationship was going to be unhealthy for me, and stand by him anyway (even though he wouldn’t seek help for himself and used me as his counsellor). He used emotional manipulation and guilt to keep me around for awhile, but I had too much self-respect to stay with someone who expected me to just take abuse. I could’ve stayed, taken his advice and ‘worked harder’, and been miserably banging my head against a wall for years while all my energy got funelled into propping him up. But I have better things to do with my life. It comes down to this - It wasn’t worth it.
But I’m glad I was with him. He was my rock bottom, and being with him really opened my eyes. My current boyfriend is an amazing guy, and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had. I think my previous experiences really helped me recognize how wonderful my current relationship really is.
[quote]TQB wrote:
Don’t plan. Don’t identify your ideal spouse in advance (You’re in for a surprise!). Don’t hurry.
I got married at 32. We’ve been married now for 19 years and I have no wish for a change. Life is good.
Some random hints to nudge you youngsters. The person you have to know first is not your prospective spouse, but yourself.
I would not recommend marriage before your late twenties. Before then, live together. Kids should be a choice, not a reason for marriage.
If you wouldn’t have married before your gf got pregnant, you probably shouldn’t do it after either (but take your f-n responsibility and be a real father).
Nature is great! Older women gets hotter as you get older yourself. No need to panic.
Good rule of thumb: First consider the ones you would like to go to bed with, then narrow it down to the one you want to wake up with. (saves a lot of scurrying out before dawn.)
Good rule of thumb 2: If you consider yourself “Alpha Male”, you’re probably not.
You could always do as my brother and sister-in-law did and bring your son to the wedding:-)
TQB[/quote]
Good post 
I have to add - when I met my current boy, the best boyfriend EVAH, I was dating a jerk. I was loyal to my jerk. But I became gym buddies and then real-life buddies with this other fella, because we were drawn together by common interests (including but not limited to fitness). I started becoming more attracted to him despite myself. One day I realized I’d rather spend time with this ‘friend’ than my boyfriend. I even thought to myself, “that’s the kind of man I need, a guy just like [insert name of ‘friend’]”… Slooowly I started to clue in. Hey, I never said I was a quick study!
Is it still worth it???
Yes, when you have the right person. My marriage is worth it anyways and it was even one of those that had to be worked at. It was one of those cases that the 21 year old guy charmed the young and innocent girl and knocked her up. That made me grow up fast and almost raising two kids. It wasn’t easy but after several years we’re still together. It takes patience and understandings on both sides. I wasn’t always the greatest husband but made it work.
[quote]ProjectX wrote:
but aside from that kind of money, yeah women respect a man that earns his keep instead of sitting around being a worthless stump.[/quote]
Yeah. And vice-versa.
I like what TQB said, don’t expect anything.
I have been married for about 2.5 years and my wife woke up last week and said she wanted a trial separation( WTF is that? Like she was watching TV and took it right from LAW & order or something) I about fell out my chair. Sure things are tough and my Daughter (15 months) is needy…babies tend to be. But man I was floored.
Now I may be an A$$ half the time, lord knows I always have a smart a$$ remark waiting( i’m working on it), and she is very lazy and selfish and spend money like it is water, but I had always thought that time heals all wounds and no matter what I was going to work through what ever life threw at us. I guess she sees it otherwise.
I have been talking to a few of my friends lately, that are also married and we have come to a conclusion about our generation. Being 28 doesn’t mean I have a ton of advice, but I do consider my self a bit intelligent.
I know I am going to sound like an A$$ for this too but it seems to me that todays women think the world owes them something. My wife has a wealthy dad, she watches that Damn MTV and E! channel like it was gospel. She reads those stupid US, allure and instyle magazines. Watches those sappy love story movies. (I did as well)All these media outlets with this ridiculous ideals seem to fill my generations heads with that idea that life is supposed to be a certain way and if it ain’t then cut loose and run. That and they are entitled to everything they see.
And LIFE just ain’t like that. Quit expecting something and then when it doesn’t turn out you get all pissed and say this is not what I had in mind… NO SH!T, it is real life not some fantasy land.
I think Marriage is hard work and if you truly love some one (my wife says she doesn’t any more, horse sh1t) work it out.
Sorry if I pissed anyone off who likes that mtv stuff, just my take.
OH yeah ,
And quit banging everything you see
JASO
This is a good thread.
Interesting to see…especially from someone who’s in their 20’s and has rarely seen marriage work…and the ones that have aren’t great.
Personally, getting married is not something that I want to do, although I suspect one day it will happen…not until I’m into my thirties though.
[quote]BostonBarrister wrote:
CaliforniaLaw wrote:
Only marry if your spouse outearns you. Period.
jp_dubya wrote:
that advice is gold. pure gold
Unfortunately, the logical implications of everyone following that advice are quite bleak.[/quote]
Bullshit. In every marriage, 1/2 the participating parties follow this plan. snicker
[quote]SkyNett wrote:
Sounds like a bunch of whiny, angst ridden bullshit to me.
Marriage is what you make of it. That, and make sure you know who the fuck you’re marrying - if I had a dime for every dipshit who got married for all the wrong reasons I’d be a millionaire.
Not to mention, if the guy’s wife was fucking around on him, then he must have had one seriously shitty lawyer if he couldn’t prove infidelity on her part.
Be confident in yourself, confident in the person you married and strive to improve yourself, and your marriage will follow suit.
Unless you married some fucked up psycho - then it’s your fault for having shitty judgement.[/quote]
Doesn’t work like that for infidelity. In a no-fault state like Florida it doesn’t matter, ie, the faithful partner receives no benefit for their fidelity. The woman gets the children unless you can prove her to be an unfit mother and if that is the case you will wind up paying her alimony since an unfit mother is unfit for any work. You will probably wind up paying for counseling for her unfit tendancies and when declared fit there is a good chance she will be awarded the kids by the state.
Marriage is broken in no-fault states-period. There is no stick-it-out if one partner wants to quit.
My sons know that they are sticking their necks out if they get married and my daughter knows that she will have the advantage in any divorce proceedings over her husband.
You don’t have to be married to have children.
As far as choosing well goes-in my military unit in 2000 we had five divorces among my friends. All officers. All decent men. All wives were professionals-physical therapist, nurse, drug rep, another nurse and a lawyer. All the women found boyfriends at work and destroyed five marriages.
University of Arizona did research and found that in the 3000 divorces surveyed, 9/10 were initiated by women and 3/4 of those divorces were no fault of the men involved. Women said they were unhappy-no one’s fault but needed a change. Majority of the men were unaware of wife’s unhappy state (intensity of).
Theory. Women unlike men are told every day by culture that they are worthless if they aren’t beautiful and young. Once she looks in the mirror and finds the is no longer either (in her mind) the damage is done.
[quote]Irish Muscle wrote:
IMO, go to thailand, pay 12 euros and you can have the sweetest wife for a week. When you get bored of her, you can get another one.
the cool thing? she only gets 12 euro.
but you, on the other hand, got alot of AIDS.
who cares if she didn’t love you[/quote]
You must be used to being unloved.
[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:
Irish Muscle wrote:
who cares if she didn’t love you
You must be used to being unloved.
[/quote]
What’s love got to do with marriage?
[quote]Yo Momma wrote:
Zap Branigan wrote:
Irish Muscle wrote:
who cares if she didn’t love you
You must be used to being unloved.
What’s love got to do with marriage?
[/quote]
They go together like a horse and carriage.
[quote]Zap Branigan wrote:
Yo Momma wrote:
Zap Branigan wrote:
Irish Muscle wrote:
who cares if she didn’t love you
You must be used to being unloved.
What’s love got to do with marriage?
They go together like a horse and carriage.
[/quote]
HAHA. That was funny about a century ago.
[quote]Yo Momma wrote:
Zap Branigan wrote:
Yo Momma wrote:
Zap Branigan wrote:
Irish Muscle wrote:
who cares if she didn’t love you
You must be used to being unloved.
What’s love got to do with marriage?
They go together like a horse and carriage.
HAHA. That was funny about a century ago.
[/quote]
This I’ll tell you mother
You can’t have one without the other
[quote]jp_dubya wrote:
BostonBarrister wrote:
CaliforniaLaw wrote:
Only marry if your spouse outearns you. Period.
jp_dubya wrote:
that advice is gold. pure gold
Unfortunately, the logical implications of everyone following that advice are quite bleak.
Bullshit. In every marriage, 1/2 the participating parties follow this plan. snicker
[/quote]
Ummmm, I think you missed the point that if EVERYONE would only marry someone who outearns them, no one would be getting married, because everyone who earns more than you would never marry you if they followed that rule…
[quote]Yo Momma wrote:
Zap Branigan wrote:
Yo Momma wrote:
Zap Branigan wrote:
Irish Muscle wrote:
who cares if she didn’t love you
You must be used to being unloved.
What’s love got to do with marriage?
They go together like a horse and carriage.
HAHA. That was funny about a century ago.
[/quote]
Actually, it was funny right now.
[quote]Jinx Me wrote:
jp_dubya wrote:
BostonBarrister wrote:
CaliforniaLaw wrote:
Only marry if your spouse outearns you. Period.
jp_dubya wrote:
that advice is gold. pure gold
Unfortunately, the logical implications of everyone following that advice are quite bleak.
Bullshit. In every marriage, 1/2 the participating parties follow this plan. snicker
Ummmm, I think you missed the point that if EVERYONE would only marry someone who outearns them, no one would be getting married, because everyone who earns more than you would never marry you if they followed that rule…[/quote]
I think he got it. Only 1/2 the people marry someone that earns more than they do.
[quote]wqp3 wrote:
As far as choosing well goes-in my military unit in 2000 we had five divorces among my friends. All officers. All decent men. All wives were professionals-physical therapist, nurse, drug rep, another nurse and a lawyer. All the women found boyfriends at work and destroyed five marriages.[/quote]
Generally speaking people who have a happy marriage/good relationship aren’t interested in pursuing new relationships. But if one’s needs aren’t being met in their current relationship that’s when meeting someone who is interested in meeting those needs becomes attractive.
[quote]wqp3 wrote:
University of Arizona did research and found that in the 3000 divorces surveyed, 9/10 were initiated by women and 3/4 of those divorces were no fault of the men involved. Women said they were unhappy-no one’s fault but needed a change. Majority of the men were unaware of wife’s unhappy state (intensity of).[/quote]
Women tend to initiate divorce more because they tend to be the one who tries the hardest to maintain the relationship. Most guys tend to see their spouse’s efforts at maintaining the relationship/marriage as “nagging”. When the wife stops nagging the husband starts to think that the wife must have gotten over all the stuff she had previously been nagging him about.
That’s an easy leap to make since the guy didn’t like hearing it in the first place. What’s happened though is that the wife has figured out her husband doesn’t care anymore about the stuff she cares about. One of two things generally then happens.
The woman starts making plans for leaving the marriage, or she maintains a growing sense of dissatisfaction in the marriage. Usually an unhappy spouse isn’t looking to have an affair or meet someone new, but the fact is they are very susceptible to having someone else start meeting their needs.
This is usually a slow process, but it undermines the marriage even more. An affair is the result of a spouse making a connection outside of the marriage. If such a connection is to occur it’ll happen where the spouse spends the most time interacting with other people.
Most of the time for guys when an affair is discovered or their spouse finally voices her dissatisfaction it will seem like a bolt out of the blue. The guy knows that his marriage isn’t perfect, but he thought in some ways things had been improving (the no nagging bit). But what was really happening was that the wife had given up on him and was simply waiting for sufficient motivation to leave.
That motivation can be something happening in the marriage, or it can be that she’s found someone else who is willing to meet her needs. Whatever it is it spells out the end of the marriage and the wife oftentimes is the one who initiates the divorce.