[quote]js385787 wrote:
I view this whole thing as I mentioned above, as a bit of a betrayal. If she can’t stick it out with me during my final year and support me, then I don’t know if she’s worth keeping around and marrying, [/quote]
Are you really this big of a drama queen and do you really need to be supported? You’re all grown up, I think you should be ready for the big boy pants now.[/quote]
Lol, x2[/quote]
Wearing the big boy pants doesn’t mean that you just let everyone do whatever they want to you. Either she wants to be in a relationship with OP or she wants to spend a year vacationing in Europe.
[quote]js385787 wrote:
I view this whole thing as I mentioned above, as a bit of a betrayal. If she can’t stick it out with me during my final year and support me, then I don’t know if she’s worth keeping around and marrying, [/quote]
Are you really this big of a drama queen and do you really need to be supported? You’re all grown up, I think you should be ready for the big boy pants now.[/quote]
Lol, x2[/quote]
Wearing the big boy pants doesn’t mean that you just let everyone do whatever they want to you. Either she wants to be in a relationship with OP or she wants to spend a year vacationing in Europe. [/quote]
She can’t spend a year in Europe and be in a relationship with the OP?
[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
^she’s also working (teaching). It’s not a years vacation.
and
“She asserts that this is something she always wanted to do, and feels it would be a great accomplishment for her.”[/quote]
It might be something she always wanted to do, but it sounds as if it was never on the table until she found out the OP was going to move to another city.
The thing is, I really don’t have a problem with what she’s doing. I just think the two of them need some realistic expectations going in. This idea that you need to lock-up a potential mate is ridiculous. Both of them should be dating around and seeing if they click with other people. If they then choose to be with each other, great. If not, then both will be happier in the long run.
[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
^she’s also working (teaching). It’s not a years vacation.
and
“She asserts that this is something she always wanted to do, and feels it would be a great accomplishment for her.”[/quote]
It might be something she always wanted to do, but it sounds as if it was never on the table until she found out the OP was going to move to another city.
The thing is, I really don’t have a problem with what she’s doing. I just think the two of them need some realistic expectations going in. This idea that you need to lock-up a potential mate is ridiculous. Both of them should be dating around and seeing if they click with other people. If they then choose to be with each other, great. If not, then both will be happier in the long run.
[/quote]
Perhaps, but remember we are only hearing one side of the story. She very well could of been planning this for years.
100% agree about having reasonable expectations and dating around if that’s what they want to do. I am in no way saying they should just tough it out.
[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
^she’s also working (teaching). It’s not a years vacation.
and
“She asserts that this is something she always wanted to do, and feels it would be a great accomplishment for her.”[/quote]
She definitely can spend a year in Europe and be in a relationship with the OP. It’s just a matter of understanding her priorities and where the OP fits into them.
As far as the whole working bit and how it’s a great accomplishment, that’s really the part that makes be call BS. She’s working because she probably couldn’t afford to vacation without working. Now, that isn’t a problem on it’s own. But unless it’s the only job she can get, then you have to assume she’s going there because she wants to vacation in Europe.
As far as an accomplishment, that’s also complete bullshit. It’s an experience. That isn’t a problem on its own either. But spending a year in Europe is something any non seriously retarded person can do relatively easily.
At the end of the day, what I’m trying to say is there are clearly some things this girl wants to do before she settles down. You can’t fault her for that, but I wouldn’t advise the OP to wait around for her. Even if the OP is absolutely in love with this girl and certain he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, I still think giving her space is the best long term plan. And giving her space without taking some for himself will lose probably lose her respect. When I say space, I don’t necessarily mean other romantic partners.
[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
^she’s also working (teaching). It’s not a years vacation.
and
“She asserts that this is something she always wanted to do, and feels it would be a great accomplishment for her.”[/quote]
[quote]Silyak wrote:
As far as the whole working bit and how it’s a great accomplishment, that’s really the part that makes be call BS. She’s working because she probably couldn’t afford to vacation without working. Now, that isn’t a problem on it’s own. But unless it’s the only job she can get, then you have to assume she’s going there because she wants to vacation in Europe.
[/quote]
We don’t even know what she will be teaching so how do you know it isn’t an accomplishment? Maybe teaching abroad is a resume builder for her profession.
I don’t have to assume she’s going because she wants a European vacation. I don’t know anyone that goes on “vacation” for a year.
[quote]Silyak wrote:
As far as an accomplishment, that’s also complete bullshit. It’s an experience. That isn’t a problem on its own either. [/quote]
Again, you have no idea what she will be teaching or accomplishing. You’re basing your assumption on limited information.
[quote]Silyak wrote:
But spending a year in Europe is something any non seriously retarded person can do relatively easily.
[/quote]
o_0 okay…
[quote]Silyak wrote:
At the end of the day, what I’m trying to say is there are clearly some things this girl wants to do before she settles down. You can’t fault her for that, but I wouldn’t advise the OP to wait around for her. Even if the OP is absolutely in love with this girl and certain he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, I still think giving her space is the best long term plan. And giving her space without taking some for himself is not a good long term plan. [/quote]
I don’t disagree with this, except if they love each other I don’t think bangin other people is a great long term plan either.
I didn’t ever suggest he should necessarily bang other people. Taking some space could be finding a new hobby, developing a new skill, or meeting new platonic friends.
You’re right that I’ve made some assumptions about what teaching in Europe means. If she’s going to spend a year as a professor at Cambridge, I can see how that would be an accomplishment. I read it as she’s always wanted to spend a year in Europe rather than she has a great opportunity in Europe right now to further her career.
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
It might be something she always wanted to do, but it sounds as if it was never on the table until she found out the OP was going to move to another city.[/quote]
We are getting only one side of the story, and generally those tend to be biased towards the people telling their side.
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
The thing is, I really don’t have a problem with what she’s doing. I just think the two of them need some realistic expectations going in. This idea that you need to lock-up a potential mate is ridiculous. Both of them should be dating around and seeing if they click with other people. If they then choose to be with each other, great. If not, then both will be happier in the long run.
[/quote]
This is great advice. Just be honest with your gf about it.
[quote]Silyak wrote:
I didn’t ever suggest he should necessarily bang other people. Taking some space could be finding a new hobby, developing a new skill, or meeting new platonic friends.
[/quote]
Sorry, this comment wasn’t mean’t to be directed specifically at you.
I agree, taking time apart is perfectly fine if he, she, or both of them decided that’s what’s best for them.
[quote]js385787 wrote:
Now for further context. I am also moving to finish out my studies to another city. Currently we live in the same city. This whole europe idea came after she found out we would have to move for my final year of stuff. She for some reason was not keen on moving there despite it being similar size and whatnot, and that’s when she decided she would go to europe while I was there. At end of it all I will make a lot more then her, and I view this whole thing as I mentioned above, as a bit of a betrayal. If she can’t stick it out with me during my final year and support me, then I don’t know if she’s worth keeping around and marrying, etc when my earning potential is much greater then hers. [/quote]
I did long distance for a year and a half, it actually was not too difficult either, we ended up splitting up in the end but for different reasons. I cared for her enough to marry her, and she felt the same for me so taking the time apart to finish our goals for career options was not too straining. I saw a lot of attractive girls around me at the time too, especially at the gym but I was so head over heels for my chick that the thought of cheating would never cross my mind.
She did eventually show some trust issues and stuff from an old friend of mine that was a female that I slept with years ago. It made her really distraught at the thought of me leaving her for my other friend. I don’t know why she thought I would do it or why it could have been so likely but that was the only challenging part.
OP, I’ve been thinking about this and here is what you should do:
Enjoy the relationship with your girlfriend until she goes away. Feign an understanding of her dreams and aspirations. When she goes, give it about a month, and then break up with her by Skype, saying that the distance is much harder to deal with than you had thought.
This way, she won’t feel like she ruined your relationship because of her dream of living in Europe, and after a month she will probably have a couple of us sleazy European types sniffing around and the transition into single life will be easy.
You will already have scoped out some FWB possibilities, too, so it’s a win-win situation.
The city I’m moving to is like couple thousand km away. It’d also be half decent sspot for her to get a job
Do I need to be supported during my last year? No, not really. I’m not sure what mutual benefit is derived out of such a longterm relationship with an enormous geographical distance. With the time difference of 5-6hrs, and distance, it makes speaking and seeing that person virtually impossible. I would liken it to having a penpal. Now if you actually wanted to be with someone and loved them, I would think opting to go somewhere yourself for a year would not be all that enjoyable - you got no bf, friend or family there - in fact it would probably be lonely to most attached people after a while. Unless you got a big hardon for travelling I can’t see the appeal in it. It’s a year, not a couple weeks of vacation.
Also I do kind of view my earning potential as a reward/favor if some chick and I get married. If she wants to share in on that, I think she needs to share in on some of the hardship as well, make some sacrifices, and earn her place so to speak.
Furthering her career? I don’t know about that. It’s teaching junior high kids or highschool kids. She is also middle 20s age wise, and still lives with her parents, never left home for university since its right in her hometown. I’ve been on my own since 18 past decade or so.
She also hasn’t been planning this forever, this was, like I said, something that was brought to my attention after she found we’d be moving to a different city next fall. Now prior to that we had planned to move from our current city to another one when I thought I’d be all done with my education; however I got a great opportunity to further my own career and education with some extra training for the upcoming academic year , it’s just in a different city then the one we had originally planned to move to this upcoming fall. Also we met during undergrad during my last year, I did make a sacrifice to stay and further my postgrad learning at this particular institution we’re currently at so we could be in same spot while she finished her undergrad/education degree - thus I’ve already made a sacrifice to be near her.
If she doesn’t understand what she is risk that she is giving up on long term by going away then she won’t appreciate you and your earnings when you are married. She will feel that she deserves it and that you should be willing to sacrifice for the relationship. The attitude has been exposed by her floating just floating this plan. Just break up with her now for everyone’s good.
[quote]js385787 wrote:
Also I do kind of view my earning potential as a reward/favor if some chick and I get married. If she wants to share in on that, I think she needs to share in on some of the hardship as well, make some sacrifices, and earn her place… [/quote]
The attitude you have towards women in general, and your girlfriend specifically, is less than desirable. I’m joining the “your relationship is doomed” bandwagon, but not because your GF is going to Europe. You still haven’t said one positive thing about her & pretty clearly think that whoever marries you (God help them) is going to be your servant and/or a gold digger. Bully for you.
[quote]js385787 wrote:
Also I do kind of view my earning potential as a reward/favor if some chick and I get married. If she wants to share in on that, I think she needs to share in on some of the hardship as well, make some sacrifices, and earn her place… [/quote]
The attitude you have towards women in general, and your girlfriend specifically, is less than desirable. I’m joining the “your relationship is doomed” bandwagon, but not because your GF is going to Europe. You still haven’t said one positive thing about her & pretty clearly think that whoever marries you (God help them) is going to be your servant and/or a gold digger. Bully for you.
[/quote]
Gold digger is the last thing I want. That is why she has to show some sacrifice before I’d consider marrying her or anyone else for that matter. As mentioned above I’ve already made a 2 year sacrifice doing post grad studies here just to be near her. Also not sure where this whole servant idea comes from that youre speaking of. Making a sacrifice to be closer to me after I’ve already done the same for her, isn’t being a servant, it’s making the relationship work by allowing us to spend time together and be with one another, not “o I don’t think I’d really like to live there for a year, so why don’t I go off to europe until youre done, since that’s funner for me, and then when youre all done and making 6 figures, then we can move in together and get a house with your money”.
Did you have conversations about moving to this other city? Or did you just spring it on her like “hey, we’re moving across the country; go pack your shit.”
Assuming you didn’t do that, I think this is nothing more than a huge shit-test. She’s bluffing and wants you to beg her to stay.
[quote]js385787 wrote:
Also I do kind of view my earning potential as a reward/favor if some chick and I get married. If she wants to share in on that, I think she needs to share in on some of the hardship as well, make some sacrifices, and earn her place… [/quote]
The attitude you have towards women in general, and your girlfriend specifically, is less than desirable. I’m joining the “your relationship is doomed” bandwagon, but not because your GF is going to Europe. You still haven’t said one positive thing about her & pretty clearly think that whoever marries you (God help them) is going to be your servant and/or a gold digger. Bully for you.
[/quote]
i dont see why you have a problem with his ability to look at this situation from such a pragmatic point of view.
[quote]js385787 wrote:
Also I do kind of view my earning potential as a reward/favor if some chick and I get married. If she wants to share in on that, I think she needs to share in on some of the hardship as well, make some sacrifices, and earn her place… [/quote]
The attitude you have towards women in general, and your girlfriend specifically, is less than desirable. I’m joining the “your relationship is doomed” bandwagon, but not because your GF is going to Europe. You still haven’t said one positive thing about her & pretty clearly think that whoever marries you (God help them) is going to be your servant and/or a gold digger. Bully for you.
[/quote]
i dont see why you have a problem with his ability to look at this situation from such a pragmatic point of view.
[/quote]
You make a fair point; not everyone wants the same things out of a relationship, so I shouldn’t project my own personal desires into someone else’s.
I’m just very turned off by the way OP talks about women so coldly. Who says “If some chick and I get married…” and makes it sounds so cavalier about themselves being a “reward/favor” to women? Never mind, don’t answer that, plenty of arrogant jerks in this world who think that way.
Look, it’s cool to view yourself as a “good catch” or a prize that “any woman would be lucky to have” - confidence is great. But (IMO) a woman with some independence, that thinks for herself, has other interests, is more attractive than one who grovels and begs for your attention. To me, some of your comments have sounded like you’re after the latter - a girl so impressed by your vast earning potential that other things don’t matter.
One thing I’ll give OP credit for the more that I think about it: it’s fine to decide to “hold out” for a woman that gives you “everything you want” in a relationship and it sounds like you’ve decided you could live without your girlfriend. I’m kind of in agreement with you that once you reach a point in the relationship where you can take it or leave it, you ought to just leave it. So I apologize for jumping down your throat so harshly.